Beauty is skin deep but a good liver lasts years.

Dear Bloggess:  My ex-boyfriend dumped me and is marrying this woman who is so ugly she makes my bones hurt.  She’s not nearly as pretty as me.  WHY IS HE DOING THIS?  Seriously.  She’s REALLY ugly. ~ Lecia

Lecia ~ Sounds like you’re paying too much attention to appearances.  Sometimes people are beautiful on the inside.  Like, maybe she has a really sexy liver.  Does your boyfriend drink a lot?  He might just be marrying her so he can poison her and then harvest her organs.  And then he’ll come back to you and he’ll be able to drink even more than before.  Except he shouldn't poison her because that damages the liver.  Congratulations.  You're in love with a dumb murderer who doesn't understand biology. Unless he's planning on just strangling her.  Then he's not as dumb as I thought. Plus you can have her eyes.  Made into earrings.  Unless you’re blind.  Then you should use them as real eyes. This is all basic common sense stuff here, Lecia.

Dear the Bloggess:  I need to learn Mandarin Chinese to impress a guy.  Can you help? ~ Jezebel98

When I had to learn French I had a really hard time with pronuncation so I’d just use little tricks to help me.  Like, I used to pronounce “boulangerie” as “bow- lingering” but then I realized I could just picture a Werewolf Sex Shop and I’d just think “Boo. Lingerie”.  Bingo.  Now I can ask for Werewolf lingerie in French.  Which does not come in handy, surprisingly.  Also, I just had to look up “boulangerie” because I didn’t have a trick to remember how to spell it and turns out it means “bread shop”.  The fuck?  No wonder I always get escorted out of boulangeries by the police.  La Policia.  I’m not sure if that’s really French for “police” but it feels right.

Dear the Bloggess:  Why do so many people say “Dear the Bloggess”?  Shouldn’t it be “Dear Bloggess”?

Maybe those people are Canadian.  I think the “the” is silent in Canada.  Those people are all fucked up.

Dear the Bloggess:  Just hypothetically…because I’ve never done this because obviously this would be something only a terrible person would do…have you ever accidentally run over your boyfriend’s cat with your car and then left it there in the street all day so that when he found it when you were both leaving for dinner you could act shocked and pretend you hadn’t accidentally done it yourself? ~ Genevieve

Not accidentally.  No.

Just an FYI: You're only supposed to have one butt.

·  Dear Bloggess:  My husband always want to slap me on the butts, like every f...ing time he pass by me, at first it was funny but now I don't feel it so funny anymore. How can I make him stop slapping me so much? ~ Geminix07

I think the more important question here is “why do you have more than one butt?”  Because you’re only supposed to have one.  Is it possible your husband thinks your other butt is some sort of leech and he’s trying to whack it off you?  Or are you like my friend whose daughter refers to her vagina as her “front butt”?  Because if your husband is slapping you in the vagina that is totally uncalled for.  I understand why you’re mad.  It would make me furious if someone was just haphazardly slapping me in the vagina.  Inappropriate, that’s what that is.  Threaten to press charges.  Or just mirror the same mischevious smile he has on his face and slap his ballsack as hard as you can.  Then be all “I love slapping!  Your turn again!”  Then kick him in the ballsack.  And tell him you kicked because your hand is tired from slapping.  Then when he’s doubled-over in pain say “Okay.  Fine, whiney.  No more slapping today.  But if you want some more just slap me on the butt(s) again and I’ll get my slapping foot out.  I could do this all day!”  Then walk away.  He will never slap any of your butts again.

·     Dear Bloggess:  What is the funniest bear? ~ Lauren

Polar bear, for sure.  Unless you mean “ironically funny”.  Then I’d go with Panda.  All bears are funny though.  Except for bear cubs.  Bear cubs are trying too hard.

·       Dear Bloggess, I need your help. I am dating a guy. He's awesome, but for my last religious holiday, he wanted to join in for a day of fasting to 'support me.' He's atheist. For one, it isn't something you can really do without believing in my God. Two, it involves fasting, and I don't know what to think about a person who would starve themselves for what they think is an imaginary friend. I told him okay, which is more than a lot of people in my position would do, but I tried to talk him out of it... and he FLIPPED. Yelled a lot and stormed out of the room. I'm just wondering, is this how normal gays act? I've never dated a full gay before. Maybe I lucked out and avoided the drama whores? Should I just laugh nervously and make no sudden movements? Or smack him one to bring him back to his senses? Gently, of course, but is it necessary? (I had to type this again because the caption wouldn't accept 'invisible-stiletto' as an answer for a foot randomly standing on tip-toe.) ~ Tad

Wait, what did you mean when you said you’ve “never dated a full gay before”?  Like, you only dated gay amputees previously?  Because, frankly Tad, that’s odd.  I mean, dating one gay amputee is fine but more than one?  That’s a weird pattern.  How are you even finding them?  I’ve never even met a gay amputee.  Unless maybe you work at an amputee hospital and you’re so devoted to your work that amputees are really the only people you ever see so then it’s statistically logical that you would date a lot of gay amputees.  Then it’s totally cool.  A little heroic even because I imagine that amputees that just got out of the hospital probably have a lot of emotional baggage that you have to deal with.   Maybe you just need to get used to dealing with non-amputees.  I think you should let your non-amputee boyfriend starve for your imaginary friend if he wants to because it’s not fair to either of you to hold him to the standards of your amputated, gay ex-lovers.  My God…if I had a nickel for every time I’ve said that before.

The secret codes of friendship

 ·    What's your opinion of your calves? ~ Shutterbitch

I don’t raise cattle.  But if I did they’d probably be totally hot.

·    I mean the calves on your legs. I have no idea if you have cows. You could, living in Texas. & most baby cows are actually cute.  ~shutterbitch.

Oh.  Um, they're fine.  "Shapley", I guess?  Personally I’m more concerned about my kneecaps though because the other day I went shopping for jeans with my friend Karen but the jeans made my kneecaps look sad and Karen was all “Why are you so obsessed with kneecaps?” and I’m all “Just tell me the truth…do my knees look fat in this?” and then she considered walking out but I was all “You don’t understand because you’ve never been fat, but chunky chicks' kneecaps bend backward sometimes so I always have to tell myself to bend my kneecaps and not lock them and you can’t see my kneecaps in these jeans so they kind of look automatically fat because you can’t tell they’re being bent.”  Then my friend said I needed help.  She’s wrong.  I just need jeans that show off how well I can bend my knees.

·    Dear Jenny, At my wedding reception, a "friend" was actively trying to get my guests to leave early to go to a roller skating party with her. She's a grown woman and not only should she have realized by now that roller skating is not nearly as much fun as it sounds, but she should know better than to ask my maid of honor to leave the wedding early to FUCKING ROLLER SKATE. My question is: Is this person a giant C-word? Or am I being too harsh? ~ Really Steamed

Your friend is an idiot.  Roller skating is one of those things that is never as fun as it sounds. But then again, attending a wedding is kind of the same way.  But at weddings there’s usually free booze.  Did you have an open bar at your wedding?  If so, your friend is probably mentally ill and you should feel sorry for her.  If not then maybe “roller skating party” was code for “Let’s go find a bar that plays kareoke music” in which case you probably should have gone with her.  This is why I insist all my friends write their secret code phrases into my address book so I can look them up whenever they say anything.  Except a lot of times I’m looking up the phrase and they’re all “No.  It’s not a code.  I’m really asking you if I can use your bathroom.”  That’s why I always ask them to preface anything they say with “This isn’t a secret code”.  Usually they forget though and so even though I know they’re probably really asking me if I want to meet for lunch I huff and go through the motions of looking it up in the secret codeword phrasebook until they say “Fuck!  This isn’t a secret code!” because otherwise how are they ever going to learn?

I don’t have a lot of friends.  

Your baby pushed me down the stairs

·    Dear Bloggess: I had brunch with a friend and her newborn today. I have been infertile for 32,847 years. She lambasted me for not being enthusiastic enough during her pregnancy despite the fact that I did make genuine and sincere efforts to contact her and congratulate her. I think maybe I don't want to be friends with her anymore. Please advise. ~ infertilemyrtle

Your friend is just crazy with hormones and sleep-deprivation and is not in her right mind so you can’t really hold it against her for being a douche-canoe.  At the same time though?  You’re not going to want to be friends with her for awhile because she’s going through the hell of being a new mom and you’re going through the hell of not even getting to go through the hell of being a new mom and I’ve been in both of those positions and they both suck.  That’s why you should just tell her that you can’t hang out with her anymore because her baby’s being an asshole.  Tell her that you think that she’s an enabler since she’s staying with the baby even though he destroyed her vagina and that you just can’t stand by and watch a friend get battered like that by a baby.  And ask if you can see her stitches.  And when she says “no” then say “That’s the first sign of domestic violence.  Hiding your injuries.”  Then lean in so the baby can’t hear you and tell her that the baby called you fat when she was in the bathroom.  Your friend’ll probably refuse to speak to you again until the baby’s two years old and then you can just tell her that you never said anything like that because “that’s fucking crazy” and that she must have been hallucinating from lack of sleep.   Unless you still can’t stand her when her baby is two.  Then tell her that her you can’t hang out with her because her baby tried to push you down the stairs.

·    Dear Bloggess, I am single. Very single. So single I have not had a date in over a year, and then it was with some guy who could talk about nothing but his family's geneology and Battlestar Galactica for hours. My friends say all the guys I've gone out with are obnoxious know-it-alls. I've asked them to find me better guys, but they don't know any. I've tried online dating, singles groups, and church -- no luck. I'm going to be 40 soon so I'm running out of time. Where are all the non-obnoxious men hiding and how do I meet them? ~ thirtynineandthreequarters

Forty is the new 32 so no worries on that.  I would however be concerned about your lack of commitment to getting hooked up.  Have you ever even watched Battlestar Galactica?  Because it’s kind of kick-ass.  Honestly, it’s like you’re not even trying.

·  Dear Bloggess: So I'm totally having sex with a guy at work and no one knows. The thing is I'm 38 and he's 28 and SUPER HOT so I completely WANT people to know. How do I let people find out without him knowing it was me?? ~ Steamy

Start a rumor that he’s blowing his boss to get a promotion.  Then he’ll start telling everyone he’s sleeping with you just to defend his himself.  Or wait until he sends out a mass email and then reply to all with something like “I WANT YOU TO PLOW ME.  Again.”  Then send another email out that says “Oh my Gosh.  I just want to apologize for that last email.  I can not believe I hit ‘reply all’.  I hate it when people do that.  My bad.”   And then send another one that says “Oh, and also I apologize for exposing all of you to the ‘plowing’.  The ‘plowing’ is private.  And awesome.  And very aerobic.”  Then send another email resigning because it looks better on your resume to say that you quit rather than that you were fired and forcibly removed from the premises for abusing the email system by writing company-wide emails about plowing.  And in your resignation letter say you’re quitting because of over-exhaustion from “too much plowing”.  That would be awesome.

What to do when you find a mushroom in your belly-button.

·     Dear Bloggess:  Ok, here's my problem: I am dating a really great/sexy/awesome guy. He keeps in shape and is very handsome. The problem that he refuses to walk around naked in front of me. He seriously NEVER does it. It has become somewhat of a joke between us. After having sex he waits until I get up to do so, it's ridiculous. So my question is why do you think he has such a problem with it and how can I convince him to get the hell over it? I want to be able to watch him walk away. Not in a creepy way. Well maybe in a creepy way. Help! ~ ARF

You know, technically I don’t like to walk around naked either so maybe it’s just that he’s self-conscious and needs some encouragement.  Or maybe it’s like when an animal won’t show you its belly until they trust you completely.  Or maybe someone tattooed “Property of Butch” on his ass when he was in prison.  Or maybe he has a superfluous nipple on his back.  These things happen.  I suggest honest communication.  Ask him “Do you have a superfluous nipple on your butt?  Because I will support you in that.”  But don’t say that if the idea of a superfluous nipple creeps you out because you need to be honest.  But keep in mind that there are a lot of people with superfluous nipples out there.  Like, way more than you think.  In fact, the other day I think I thought I found one on forehead but turns out it was a spider bite.  It was a close call.  Basically what I’m saying is that if you’re planning on dumping this guy for a superfluous ass nipple I think maybe you should do a little soul-searching and think about how you’d feel if later someone discovers a superfluous third nipple on you.  Because that could totally happen, my friend.  And then where would you be?  Screwed, that’s where.

·    Dear Bloggess, I am a poor grad student. Because of textbooks and school fees, I'm going to squeak through September with little cash. What's the most absolutely fucking cheap diet you can recommend, that won't give me scurvy? ~ Nick

Back when I was in college, my best friend took me under his wing and taught me how to survive on pennies a day.  We found a place nearby that had unlimited refills if you bought their cups but it was a scam because the cup was paper and got soggy immediately so we’d take the flimsy cup and laminate it with saran-wrap so it wouldn’t get soggy and then we’d go in every day with our saran-wrap cups for free refills.  Also, at the movie snack stand they usually have a bunch of free relish, catsup, cheese and butter-flavoring.  Bring ziplog bags with you and fill up on the way out.  Ramen noodles are your friend.  Pour complimentary pouches of lemon juice on it to prevent scurvey.  Make friends with the people who own chinese buffets and ask if you can buy their leftovers.  Once I got 32 springrolls for two dollars.  That was a hell of a day.  My other best friend in college got hit by a train on her bike and got free food at the hospital, plus a massive settlement.  When she was still recovering we’d stop by and cheer her up and then we’d tell the nurses she needed more food and we’d then eat it all.  She still has a limp but it was kind of awesome for the rest of us.

·  Dear Bloggess, The other day my boyfriend and I were doing the down and dirty. Mind bump-n-grind he noticed that I had something in my belly button. I laughed it off finished the deed and sprinted for the bathroom. I pulled the lint out, only its not lint. It's a mushroom. What do I do? ~ Linty McLints A Lot

I think you need to go to the doctor.  Unless, maybe you just like to store mushrooms in your belly botton in case you get trapped in an elevator.  Then you need to see a psychiatrist.

·    Dear Bloggess: Me again.   And I don't mean mushroom like I am fat and accidentally dropped one in there or placed it there for later. I mean like it was growing in my belly button. Me, mushroom, grow, bellybutton. Got it? ~ Linty McLints A Lot

Got it.  Doctor.  Go see one yesterday.

Shallow People Need Help Too.

·    Dear Bloggess:  Are crocs manly? I hate that I like to wear them now.  HATE.  I need to know if I am dooming myself to someday wear a mumu. These things like to snowball…  ~ nichiren24

Dude.  Wearing crocs is like the manliest thing ever.  The only thing more manly is if you wore a vest made out of a shark. With sleeves made out of leapard arms and gloves made from panther paws.  Which you killed with your bare hands. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.  And aren’t crocodiles even more dangerous than sharks?  I say so because crocodiles can fight you on land and in the water but when you drag a shark out in the desert he’s kind of fucked after about 10 minutes.  In conclusion, yes, crocs are totally manly.  Unless you’re referring to those little plastic shoes.  Those aren’t really manly at all.  But you know what?  Wear ‘em anyway.  You know what I’m wearing today?  A t-shirt from an opium den and square-dancing skirt.  True story.  And it’s awesome.  Just wear those crocs with enough confidence (and a large gun if you have one) and no one is going to fuck with you.

 ·    Dear bloggess help me! I have realized that I am sooooo shallow. Like, it’s so bad. I'll meet someone with a great personality and an ugly face and not be fully into them, not realizing that its completely because they’re ugly. What should I do? -Shallow bitch

You only think this is a problem because you’ve been trained by society to thing judging people on appearance is bad but lucky for you, there are a lot of shallow men out there who are only looking for a hot body so you just have to find one of those guys and marry him.  Bingo.  Except that in 10 years you’ll start to sag and gain weight and he’ll leave you for the babysitter.  But then you get plastic surgery and become a cougar and have superficial flings with many, many hot men and then when you get to be 50 you realize your life is empty and you get hit by a car and go blind and realize how ironic it is because you can’t even see yourself get old and you put on your make-up wrong because you can’t see but then some guy falls in love with you anyway and you fall in love with him even though you assume he’s fugly since he’s with someone who accidentally puts lipliner on her eyes but then on your deathbed you feel his face and find out he was hot all along and you realize that you finally learned to not actually care about looks and see the beauty inside people and then they make your story into one of those tragic Lifetime movies which is awesome, except that now you’re dead so you don’t get any of the money from it.  That’s why it’s so tragic.  

·    Dear Bloggess, My boyfriend is an avid hunter. When he has had a few rounds, he becomes an avid "annoy my girlfriend by blowing my hunting calls inside the truck as she drives my drunken self home from the party" man. How can I convince him of the danger of this act without actually shoving said hunting calls down his throat? ~ Elizabeth

Next time he does it start laughing and tell him that he’s blowing on a butt plug.  Then when he insists that it’s his duck call be all “Are you kidding?  Just how drunk are you?  That’s totally a butt plug” and then he’ll start doubting himself and he’ll be all “What?  No.  I’m pretty sure this is my duck call” and then you be like “No.  That’s totally a butt plug.  Where did you even get that?!” and then take it and toss it out the window and make him gargle when he gets home and then later when he asks where his duck call went tell him you thought you saw him trading it for a butt plug at the party and then he’ll vaguely remember something about a butt plug and will never bring it up again. 

I'm not sure but I think I just got a question from Fonzie.

 ·    Dear Blogess, What can I do to keep semi or totally weird men from talking to me in the public transit? ~ Papermaiden

Make up a language that doesn’t exist and say the same phrase to them over and over with various inflections until they leave you alone.  I personally use “Je ne butchita ruby kosack” but there are no real rules on this.  Don’t use a real language though because weird people are often bilingual and then they’ll try to talk to you in whatever language you chose and then you’re fucked because he only thing worse than talking to weird men on the bus is having your Latin criticized by weird men on the bus.  And getting stabbed by weird men on the bus.  That one’s bad too.

 ·    Dear Bloggess, I just got an email from this friend of mine. Apparently I was quite mean to her whilst drunk last week. I obviously don't remember this at all. The email was an entreaty of sorts. She was offering me the chance to make amends. My first impulse was to reply with, "Yo, sorry about that. I'm an alcoholic," but then I started thinking about it and I've decided that I'm not sorry. I don't know why I was mad, but like, fuck her. I don't want to be friends anymore. Drunk Me just knew it before Sober Me. My question is: should I just not respond to her email? Or should I get piss drunk and be mean again? Or like, get drunk and not respond to her email? Or is all this going to end in a stabbing? ~ notreallyabadperson

Being mean is never good, even when drunk.  Your best bet is open communication so that all the hurt is addressed and can be dealt with in a healing way so you can move on with your relationship.  Except I just re-read your question and you actually want to get rid of this chick, so never mind.  You are totally on the right track.  Except that she’s going to tell all your other friends what a bitch you and no one wants that.  Instead email her and tell her you were being mean because someone left you an anonymous note linking her to the murder of your dead parents and then tell her that out of respect for your friendship you won’t tell the cops but that she needs to never talk to you again because it’s too painful.  And everytime she tries to explain that she never murdered your parents just scream “YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE.”  Then you win.  Except if she knows your parents you might need to fake their murder just so this all makes sense.  I’m sure your parents will understand though.  And if they don’t it’s probably because they don’t love you enough.  Or possibly they’re just being mean to you because they’re drunk.  That shit happens a lot from what I hear.

·    Dear miss "she rocketh" i have a friend with a severe case of the flatulence and on top of that he always has the urge to take a dump. what could be his problem and what can he do about it, eh? ~ JD

JD, it sounds like your friend just needs to poop.  I suggest pooping.  Problem solved.  Also, I assume by your “eh?” that you are Canadian and when I started this advice column I vowed that I’d fix America first before moving on to “America’s Hat” but I’m pretty I’ve fixed most of the America so I think we’re cool.  Or maybe you’re Fonzie?  In which case you are spelling “Ayyy” wrong but that kind of makes sense because wasn’t there a very-special-episode where Fonzie admitted he can’t spell?  I think there was. Or I may have just dreamed that.  Go poop, Fonzie.  We’ll wait.

Stop fucking with the alcoholics, you guys.

 ·    Dear Jenny the bloggess, I recently came to the awesome place veteran fuck-ups like to refer to as "rock bottom" and wound up in hospital, then in A.A. It was pretty bad, they took all my clothes so that at many, many points in the ordeal I had to walk barefoot to the bathroom dragging an I.V. The hospital took my clothes, not the alcoholics. The alcoholics have clothes. Mostly. I have no problem with this now (I *seriously* need to continue with A.A, even though they're kind of God-Squad) but I'm only 20, and New Zealand has an intense drinking culture. What's a kickass way to respond to people who want me to drink? ~ Eleanor 

Eleanore: First of all? You rock.  That’s a lot of shit to go through at 20 and I salute you.  I have a lot of friends who don’t drink because they’re alcoholics and most of them just say “None for me.  I have a drinking problem” and that works except for when other people say “It’s not a problem.  You drink.  You fall down.  You wake up two days later.  No problem!” and then you want to stab them because they’re assholes and also because they stole that whole thing from a t-shirt.  But I’ve compiled several options for you to help get the drinkers off your back.

1.      Tell the people you’re with that you are an alcoholic and would appreciate their support. Hand them a pamphlet about alcoholism.  Educate them.  Most of them will never talk to you again because they’ll think that you’re implying that they’re alcoholics.  Because they probably are.

2.      Tell them you can’t drink because your dog was killed in a drunk-driving accident and now you think it’s your duty to stay sober so you can be a designated driver and save other people’s dogs.  Because you’re kind of a hero.  Except that now you’ll have to drive drunks around and they never remember their address and your car is going to smell like vomit all the time.  Maybe just call them all taxis instead.

3.      Tell them you can’t drink because you’ve already had way too much heroin.

4.      Tell them that your shrink told you that you can’t drink because it mixes with your meds and that  last time you drank when you regained consciousness you were standing over the bartender and you’d somehow gouged out his eye with a spoon.  Say this in front of the bartender so he’ll refuse to serve you even if your friends get too drunk to remember the story later.

5.      Order water in a tumbler.  Pretend it’s vodka and that you just have a kick-ass alcohol tolerance.  Make fun of your friends who are light-weights, then a month later decide to stop drinking because your “tolerance is so high that it’s a waste of money”. 

6.      Say you’re allergic to alcohol and even a single sip could kill you and that whoever you’re with would probably be charged with your murder and you’re just trying to protect them from prison.  Then tell them that they don’t even have to thank you because that’s just the kind of person you are.  And later when they’re too drunk to remember that you said that you’re allergic and they tell you to just have a damn drink you can be all “I’m saving you from yourself.”  Plus, it sounds really heroic and Christ-like and everyone at the bar will be impressed and want to sleep with you.  Except that you’re a girl so everyone at the bar probably already wants to sleep with you.  That’s the great thing about having a vagina. 

·    Dear Jenny The Bloggess, It is unfortunate to say this, but my parents really are evil people (believe me it is true but I'd have to write a freakin book to explain how... so just believe me on this one). To them I am a major disappointment... why? I don't live on the same street as them. But I have a great job, life, and turned out to be a damn good person. I would like to tell them to leave me alone, or find some way to never deal with them again. What do you think I should do? –Ace

 Ace, do your parents live on Sesame Street?  The reason I ask is that it seems like the kids of the people who live on Sesame Street are forced to stay there and never grow up and it’s kind of sad really.  It’s like they’re in a state of arrested development.  I guess what I’m saying is that if you are on Sesame Street you should move because it’s kind of lame and if you aren’t on Sesame Street you need to just distance yourself from your parents because if they’re disappointed in you now just for not living on the right street imagine how upset they’ll be when you get arrested for drug smuggling.  Consider a pre-emptive strike and fake your own death or maybe do something to have them disown you.  I suggest doing porn, because that way you get disowned and you make some walking-around money.  So basically, everyone wins.

Don't cook your baby. Simple as that, people.

·    Dear the bloggess: clearly, the image that i saw when i followed this link is the most hilarious and awesome thing ever. i was practically cheering when i saw it. my question is: what is wrong with all the commenters? am i suddenly in some sort of alternate universe? seriously, the tone of the comments disturbs me and makes me worried for the world in general, and i thought maybe you could help make me feel better. ~ lacey

Holy crap.  It’s not you.  It’s the rest of the world that’s fucked up.  That is the most awesome baby costume ever and all those people who are demanding that it be removed from the website are probably just sensitive about it because it reminds them of that time they wanted to cook their baby.  Clearly these people have problems because you’re not supposed to want to cook your baby.  Like, ever.  That’s kind of my advice for the day: Don’t cook your baby.

·    Dear Bloggess, what should I do with my mother's ashes? She wasn't very nice, and I'm afraid to spread them since they might gravitate to the rest of her ashes and she might reform. By reform I mean become whole, not reform from her evil ways because that would be kinda cool. ~ Rikki

Do you still have the body?  If so, cut the head off before it gets cremated.  Keep the head separate and have it cremated separately and keep those ashes in a sealed vault.  Money-saving hint:  If you take the head to your vet and tell them that it’s your cat they’ll cremate it for way cheaper than a mortuary.  But be sure to put the head in something really well-sealed and warn them that the cat exploded and there’s blood and urine everywhere so they won’t be tempted to open up the bag and see that it’s actually a human head and not a cat. Trust me, it’s a huge hassle to have to explain if they find the head and then you have to get a new vet because they’ll ask you to never come back.  Don’t ask me how I know this.

·    So, Jenny the Bloggess, I have a question for you. I have this friend who 90% of the time an awesome friend. But that 10% of the time she's really shitty. And it usually involves men. She's got a fiance and is off the market, but whenever we go out and someone shows an interest in me she gets that look of crazy over her and, in attempts to draw attention her way, will throw me under the metaphorical bus. She brings up weird things like, "did you know her right boob is bigger than her left?" and generally just makes fun of me or talks badly about me in a semi joking manner to the guy I'm talking to ultimately resulting in them scurrying away in the other direction or throwing looks of pity my way..like last night she spent 10 minutes trying to convince this guy that I'm a cold-hearted medusa who eats puppy intestines for breakfast. Whats the deal? How do I get her to stop - that doesn't involve stabbing? ~ AnnaLynn

I hate to break it to you, AnnaLynn, but that girl is not your friend.  She’s evil and is trying to destroy you.  She’s just really good at hiding it 90% of the time.  I mean, probably it’s just that she has low self-esteem but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s an asshole.  Tell her to stop being an asshole or you’ll stop being her friend.  Trust me, there are plenty of assholes out there to replace her with and some of them probably have the same shoe size as you so you can steal their shoes.  That’s kind of the only good reason to hang out with assholes.  They often have good shoes.  Also, if you decide to stick with the asshole and she brings up the fact that one of your boobs is bigger than the other again just look at the dude she’s talking to and say “She’s right.  One boob is big and magnificent.  And the other one is even bigger.  It’s kind of awesome.” And then turn to your friend and stage-whisper “But don’t worry, friend.  You’re going to blossom any day now. I just know it”.  Then turn to the dude and shake your head like “No.  She’s really not going to.  It’s tragic really”.  Because if you’re going to hang out with assholes you should at least have fun fucking with them.  

The wrong way to dump someone

·      Dearest Bloggess ~ Our 9 yr. old son wants to quit football. This is his second year playing and he is quite good. I'm not sure we should let him because I don't want him to grow up and be a quitter. My husband took him to football practice last evening and apparently my son had a bad attitude which resulted in the whole team having to run laps. I heard tires squealing and stones flying as my husband came home with our son from practice. My husband was hollering and carrying on and my son was in tears. To me, football is not worth all this commotion. Although I told my son this a.m. that he had to let me know after school what he wanted to do, quit or finish out the season...as I'm sitting at work, I'm thinking we should force him to finish out the season. Maybe he'll thank us? Maybe he'll hate us and kill us in our sleep? Please help! ~ Badmomma

Okay, remember in Full Metal Jacket when that one slow guy kept fucking up and everyone else got punished for it and so one night the whole troop tied him to his bed and beat him violently with soap bars wrapped in tube socks?  That’s basically what your son’s coach is setting him up for.  And in the end that guy turns into a psychopath and kills the drill instructer and himself so maybe you should put your son in tennis instead. Also, spoiler alert:  I think I just fucked up Full Metal Jacket for you if you hadn’t seen it already.

·      Dear TheBloggess, So I went on a date with this seemingly cool guy. Things went fairly well even though he's slightly overweight and smokes. I thought I could get over that because I'm not that shallow. We talked a few nights after the date until I realized I'd prefer a muscular non-smoker. Thinking he'd take this well, especially since we've only talked no more than 5 days, I told him I wasn't feeling it. He then proceeded to freak out as if we've been dating for years. I mean this dude was crazier than a fucking coconut. He kept insisting he was a catch and I was missing out. Here's my question. Is there any easy way to pinpoint the psychos when you first meet them? Also, what should I do if this crazy tries to hunt me down?  ~STILLinSHOCK

Let me ask you something:  When you told him you weren’t into it did you say something like “Hang on. I just realized that I’d prefer a muscular non-smoker”.  Because if so, you’re kind of asking to get stabbed.  Here are a few examples of the right and wrong way to dump people:

Good way to dump someone: I thought I was ready to date again but I was wrong. I’m still fucked up and violent.  You should run away now.

Bad way to dump someone:  I’ve been talking to my friends and they all agree I could do way better. 

Good way:  I just found out I have a lot of VD.  Like, all of them.  It’s not fair to you to expose you to that.  Also, you should get tested for tuberculosis as soon as possible.

Bad way:  I’m just not attracted to you.  Is your son single? 

Good way:  There’s something wrong with me and I am unable to commit.  I’ll write you a letter of recommendation for your next date though.  Would you like a hand-job on the way out?

Bad way:  I’m just too tired to fake all my orgasms anymore.  Honestly, it’s fucking  exhausting.  Here’s a set of kitchen knives as a parting gift.

"Bitchface" is the new "evil eye". I assume.

·   Dear Bloggess:  Please advise how I can get vicodin in the UK because it isn't approved over here ~ Firehorse_on_SL

Move to America.   Or you could have it mailed to you but you might get arrested so probably if you’re going to take those sorts of chances you should skip the vicodin and go straight to smuggling heroin.  Or robbing banks.  Or robbing banks to pay other people to smuggle heroin for you.  Basically this whole question proves exactly why vicodin should be legalized everywhere.  Because drugs cause crime.

·    Dear Jenny the Bloggess, So at my school there's this guy I see around campus all the time who gives me the nastiest stares all the time. Like, his bitchface is so frightening that it could turn you to stone. He started giving me the bitchface a year ago when he assumed I wanted his dick for no reason. Now I see him all the time and I'm terrified. His evil, gay glare haunts me every time I walk by, but I'm too scared to make eye contact, say anything or just all-around cause conflict for fear that he will use his eyes to melt my face like that guy who picked the wrong Holy Grail at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade... I've contemplated getting my (much cuter) boyfriend to just push him in front of a car, but that's not exactly...well... legal. Help a homo out. –Roberto

Next time he gives you the bitchface just huff with frustration and scream “FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, KEN:  I DON’T DATE MEN WITH AIRBORNE GONNORHEA”.  Then walk away like you can’t even believe you’re still having to explain this to him.  He’ll never bother you again.  Or he’ll punch you.  But if he does he’s kind of an asshole because you shouldn’t get mad about getting lumped in with people who have gonnorhea.  Especially because I think that’s treatable.  Or not.  I should look this shit up.  My point is that he’ll probably have to go to the doctor just to prove to everyone that he doesn’t actually have gonnorhea and everyone needs to be tested occasionally so technically it’s like you’re doing him a favor.  He’ll probably thank you later.  Unless during his check up they find out he has testicular cancer.  No ever thanks you for that.

·   Dear Bloggess, I sleep like the dead. Well, more like the undead, because I can do stuff, like deactivate alarms and make false promises, all the while not coming out of an REM state. I can sleep through thunderstorms, clock radios, and hundreds of inner-city schoolchildren screaming right outside my window. This is not a useful skill. My sleep self has no concept of what is best for my waking self, and causes me to be frequently late to both academic and social gatherings. I fear that if an emergency situation were to arise, I would not be able to save myself due to my minds "sleep before all else" priorities. Please Bloggess, how do I train myself to be a light sleeper? ~ Devin

Dear Devin, I am going to shoot you in the face.  Oh my God, NO I’M NOT.  I’m so sorry.  I’m just not myself because I have chronic insomnia and haven’t been sleeping and I read your question about being able to sleep too well and I kind of wanted to rip off your balls and push them through your nose while-OH MY GOD.  Seriously, what is wrong with me?!  I’m so sorry.  That was totally uncalled for.  Okay, honestly?  The best way to MAKE yourself wake up is to drink a ton of water before going to sleep and you’ll be forced to get up to pee.  I learned that technique from the ancient Native Americans.  And by “Native Americans” I mean “an episode of The Simpsons”.

Apparently you actually *can* be too good at blow jobs.

·  Dear Bloggess:  Is it cruel to kill lobsters so I can steal their claws and then make them mechanised and pinch my friends with remote-controlled dead lobster claws? ~ Raz

More like it’s cruel not to.  Mechanized lobster claws sound awesome.  Use your gifts, my friend.  But you should check first to make sure your friends don’t have some severe shellfish allergy because if someone dies after you pinch them with your remote-controlled lobster claws you’re totally going down for murder.  Or maybe voluntary manslaughter.  Depends on how good your lawyer is probably.  You should probably get your friends to sign some kind of waiver first.

·  Dear Blogess: I love giving head. I love it alot. I love it more than the guys I have given head to in the past. I'm really good at it, too. My problem is that my boyfriend (along with every guy ever) has come to EXPECT really awesome head every time I want sex. I don't see this as a fair trade off. My question is how can I continue to enjoy giving head without setting guys up to expect it without sacrificing any sex? ~ Hetter

I'm going to let you in on a little secret…everyone who gives blow jobs is good at it.  Because there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob. From what I’ve heard.  And even if you suck at it (no pun intended) your boyfriend will still say you’re awesome because that’s how they get you to do it longer.  It’s just a horrible trap.  And that’s actually fine as long as you’re getting something out of it too.  Like maybe claim that you can’t get properly aroused unless you watch someone clean out your garage while you eat onion rings.  That’s totally worth a good blowjob.

·  Dear awesome Bloggess AKA Jenny, I'm a 19 year old, 1st semester girl sophomore in college. Thing is, I don't know what I want to do with my life. And I'm not sure the whole college thing is working for me. O great, wise Jenny, what could I do with my life that wouldn't land me in jail, a mental hospital, addicted to any substances, or an STD-ridden prostitute? ((Preferably something legal)) If possible, I'd also like to dis-include babies, 'cuz they smell funny. ~ Mari

Mari, if I could talk to my 19 year old self I’d tell her to be more confident, that flossing is a waste of time, and to become a ninja.  Being a ninja is probably the best job ever because you never hear any of them complaining about it.  Also, if you get bored or want a vacation you can just disappear for a few weeks to the tropics and everyone just thinks you’re being a kick-ass ninja because you’re so fucking invisible.  Then demand a raise from whoever-it-is-that-pays-you-to-be-a-ninja.  You’ve totally earned it.

Water bras kill people. Possibly.

·    Dear Bloggess, I have new girlfriend. We were talking the other day....just that casual 'Getting to know you' stuff, and she admitted that when she was five she punched a guy for being cheeky when she was 'boss of the class' (I kid you not) Am I wrong to be very scared? Thanks. ~ Brad

Brad, it’s like you don’t even understand what ‘Boss of the Class’ is.  It’s a pretty big deal and you get to be the boss.  Some rules are going to change and some innocent people are going to get hurt.  That’s what happens during any regime change.  The important thing to focus on is how she got to be Boss of the Class.  Is this some sort of class ritual where everyone gets a turn and she gracefully accepted her role when it was offered to her, or did she knife the teacher in a violent coup and take over control of the school?  Either way, she sounds awesome.  Those are the kinds of leadership skills you can’t even get from school.  Marry that girl.  Then take over Cuba.  Or maybe Hawaii.  Someplace tropical.

·      Dear Jenny; Is there anything you can do if you have really small boobs? I don't currently have money to get implants but even if I ever will I'm not sure if I should get them. Does getting silicons automatically make you slutty and inconsiderate for not donating that huge sum of money to the children of Africa or something? ~ A-Cup

One of my friends had a water bra and she loved it except she said it got kind of cold in the winter.  And one time she popped one side of the bra at work and half the water squirted out.  Which was kind of hysterical.  For everyone in our office.  Not so much for her.  She tried to say that she'd just spilled water on that side of her shirt and we were all “Was it hot water?  'Cause it made one of your boobies shrink.”  We all laughed and laughed.  Later she killed herself.  It was like a year later and it probably had more to do with the fact that she was about to go to prison again for forgery and less because of the water bra incident but I have to think that the whole water bra thing couldn’t have helped.  The point here is that you should love and accept yourself for who you are, because water bras kill people. 

·      Dear Bloggess, Through your endearing stories, I think I've fallen in love with your husband, Victor. So my question is threefold: What exactly does he do for a living? Do you think he would move halfway across Texas? Would you demand some kind of alimony if he left you for me? (see part 1 and please feel free to expound upon whether or not we could afford said alimony) ~ me

Sadly, Victor cannot move because of the terms of his parole.  And he’s currently unemployed because both of his legs fell off.  From contagious leprosy.  And his penis.  That’s gone too.  Also, most of his face. Poor, mangled, highly-contagious, unable-to-control-his-bowels Victor.  He’s basically a torso with an ear.  Tragic really.  Come get him.  Bring a carseat and a bunch of diapers.

·      So, is it weird that I had a dream that I was trying to psychoanalyze a re-occurring dream I keep having? If I then have that same dream again, would that rip a hole in the time/space continuum? ~ Meso Ahsum

Probably.

How to stop your cat from being an asshole.

·    Dear Bloggess, I recently shaved my head. I like it, but how should I deal with the inevitable haters comparing me to Britney Spears? Am I allowed to punch them until they have to carry their teeth around in a sack? Or is that too classy? Yours, Miz Mae

No need to resort to violence.  Just look at them innocently and say, “Oh. Britney Spears has cancer too?  How sad.”  Then walk away really quickly before they can ask follow-up questions.  Then they’ll just think you have cancer and will feel bad for judging you.  And then later when they ask how your cancer is going just say “Oh I don’t have cancer.  I just have the ability to change my hairstyle without being badgered by assholes.  Oh wait, no.  Apparently I don’t have that either.  Oh well.  At least I don’t have cancer.” 

·     How do I stop my cat from being an asshole? I constantly ask him, "What the fuck Brodie? Why are you such a fucking asshole?"--- but I get no response. An example of his behavior: The other day, he was on my bed looking at me with crazy eyes. His tail was swishing in a weird manner and his eyes were really crazy. You probably don't understand just how crazy they were. So I pushed him off the bed and closed my eyes to go to sleep. Then he attacked my head! Even though he's declawed, I actually had a cut and bruise on my head. So again, how can I stop him from being a jerk? ~ Nikki

Prozac.  No shit.  Your cat sounds depressed and they totally give animals prozac now to treat that.  And what’s really awesome is that it’s almost exactly like people prozac so if you run out of yours you can take the cat’s prozac.  I had a friend who did that once because she had crappy insurance and couldn’t afford antidepressants but animal prozac is way cheaper so she bought that.  It was like her cat had better health coverage than she did.  So she got the cat on prozac and then took all of its prozac.  Then the cat died.  She said it got hit by a car but I suspect it was suicide.  This is why you should adopt another cat that doesn’t have depression but fake it so you can get meds for it and then give its prozac to the depressed cat that you’re stealing meds from.  It's totally win-win.  Everyone gets cheap, illegally-obtained drugs and more homeless cats are off the street.  Who’s against that?  Republicans, probably.

·     Madam Bloggess, I have this coworker - let's call her Jane - who thinks that it's appropriate to comment on my apparel. She's constantly telling me how my shoes don't match my shirt, or how "those colors clash", or how "it's not appropriate to wear anything that shows body hair of that length." I'm an engineer, and as such, I'm not built to know these thing - or more importantly - care. How do I tell her to keep her rude, unhelpful comments to herself? Many Thanks, Kate

Okay, I totally had your back until the “it’s not appropriate to wear anything that shows body hair of that length” part and then I got distracted.  Are we talking about pubic hair, Kate?  Because if you’re wearing something that shows off your lady-garden you either need a longer skirt or some serious lawn work.  No one likes a giant 70’s bush, Kate.  Nobody.

Your baby is an alcoholic

·    Hi Bloggess. I have a headache. ~ Uncle Leonard

 It’s probably because there’s too much blood in your head.  I saw this documentary on trepanation, where they put a hole in your skull to let all the extra blood out of your head and it’s supposedly awesome, although the only people actually saying that it’s "awesome" are the people who just got a hole drilled into their head so I’m not sure how reliable they are.  Maybe you should just take some Advil. 

·    Hi Bloggess, How do you handle it when people write malicious comments on your blog? Are you sensitive to them and delete them, or do you leave them there, ignored? Do you write back to them? Blondie

The great thing about your personal blog is that you get to make the rules.  You can delete mean comments, ignore them, make fun of them…it’s totally up to you.  I wrote a whole post on my other blog about this last year.  Is it cheating if I just link there?  Too bad.  Keep in mind that if you’re getting lots of mean comments it might be you that's the problem.  Are you writing about eating children for dinner?  Because that shit’s inappropriate.  If you keep getting one irrationally rude person over and over who is only a distraction you can always go in and edit their comment from “I WILL STAB YOUR DAMN FACE IN” to “You are the best blogger in the world and I want to be exactly like you” and then when she sees it and writes “I NEVER SAID THAT!  YOU ARE A LOSER” go edit that to say “I just had to come back and say how much you mean to me.  I love you.  Please adopt me”.  Keep doing that until her head explodes. 

·    Dear Bloggess, I used to drink only 2-3 times a year and I'd have 1-2 drinks. Then one weekend, my husband and I went to New Orleans for the first time. I drank four Hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's and then we went back to the hotel and had fun. Now I'm pregnant. And I REALLY want another Hurricane or a Margarita or even a glass of wine. Is this a pregnancy craving? Is it because I conceived while drunk? Does that mean this baby is going to be an alcoholic? Why is this baby making me crave alcohol? It's almost like it *wants* to have a birth defect. ~ Rachel Y

The short answer?  Your baby is probably an alcoholic.  When crack addicts have babies their baby is born addicted to crack so it makes sense that your fetus is an alcoholic.  I mean, I’m no doctor but it sounds like your fetus has a severe drinking problem.  Then again, my doctor told me that an occasional glass of wine while pregnant was fine.  Of course, I never drank when I was pregnant because I’m a better mother than you.  Except I did once ride a roller coaster when I was pregnant so I guess we’re probably even.  Except that your baby is an alcoholic and mine isn't.  So yeah, not really even at all now that I think about it.  Your baby needs an intervention.

The single greatest phrase in the history of ever

·    Dear Bloggess: Can you get testicular cancer from keeping a cell phone in your pocket? I'm concerned. -Lauren

I’m concerned too.  Isn’t Lauren a girl’s name?  If so, I can actually diagnose you from here: You do not have testicular cancer.  Please send me $250.  It would be less but I’m out of your network and your HMO is shitty.  That’s what you get for living in America. 

·   Dear Bloggess, A very close friend asked me to tell her honestly my opinion of men she dates. For the last couple of months she has been dating a guy and I finally got to meet him last weekend. What a douche canoe. He probably has his own advice column too, 'cause the dude knows EVERYTHING. How can I tell her what a complete assclam she is dating without making her hate me? Staje

You have to tell your friend that the guy is a douche canoe.  Not only because she specifically asked you to be honest with her but also because “douche canoe” is probably the single greatest phrase in the history of ever and it must be shared with everyone.  Douche canoe.  Seriously, I can’t even stop saying it.

·    Dear Bloggess:  OK------this just happened...and I am still upset. I am coming down with something horrible, maybe the swine flu. I can feel it in my body and it is the flu whether it is the swine shit I don't know but a lot of kids at the local college have it. But that's not the problem. The problem is that I have a fever and even though I probably shouldn't have gone out or be around people I went to the viewing tonight of the dead mother of a man and woman I know. I don't know him as well as his sister but I saw him by the casket talking to two very respectable people and as I went up toward him he turned to me and I hugged him and as I did I said very loudly "Congratulations!" Then I thought to myself "What the FUck did I just say?!!?!" but it was already too late to try to make it as if I had said something sensible and I could feel the other people in the room staring at me as if I were fanged or covered in feces, which is pretty much how I felt. Then I said "I'm really sorry about your mom" but the urge to crawl under the casket where they couldn't see me was not at that time an option, even though I was looking for ways to become invisible and the fucking technology hadn't been invented yet so I was there with everyone looking at me as if I am deranged, and I didn't want to say "...that I have a fever, and I am usually lucid but this is just really really strange even for me, and I have said some strange shit in my time." So my question is, should I go to the funeral and tell them about my weird twin brother who I have never seen because we were separated at birth but I was just told about and I heard he is back from Tierra del Fuego and perhaps they have seen him . . .? Or just commit suicide and be done with it? ~RDC

Dude.  The last thing this guy wants to think about is how dead his mom is so technically by saying something unfathomably inappropriate you gave his brain a break from thinking depressing thoughts.  If my mom died I’d probably want to kill myself but if someone told me “Congratulations” I’d be too bewildered to swallow all that poison I’d saved up because I’d want to stay alive long enough to tell everyone the story of the guy who congratulated me on having a dead mom.  If anything you probably saved that guy’s life.  I wouldn’t expect a thank-you card though.

You are not a unicorn

·    Dear Bloggess: What is the link between auto immune diseases and anxiety? I have ulcerative colitis.  Is my immune system attacking my nerves along with my colon? I am going to hide in the bathroom for a while. ~ anxious

 I don’t know but I have two auto-immune diseases and an anxiety disorder too.  Mine are a joint disease and a blood disease though so they’re much less messy than yours.  Isn’t colitis when you shit yourself uncontrollably?  Because that would make me anxious too.  Or maybe the anxiety is causing the colitis?  Like that “Fight or Flight” thing where you naturally want to void your bowels when confronted with danger.  My science teacher said it was because if you get rid of all your poop you weigh less and so you can run away faster but I think it’s more likely that people don’t want to catch you if you’re covered in your own feces.  Either way, yeah, I think they’re linked and I’m sorry because that’s a crappy (no pun intended) disease.  My diseases just cause me to be occasionally bed-ridden and have a lot of miscarriages.  And I have to take a cancer drug that might actually give me cancer.  And I had to give myself like 500 shots in the stomach to have my kid.  So yeah, my stuff sucks but I think shitting yourself is a worse disease. You win.  Or lose, I guess.  Wait, was this a contest?  I say we call it a tie.

·    Hey there Jenny, So I'm in high school (:P) and I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my appearance but my 'Best Friend' Kailtyn makes this very hard. Everyday in Geography she is bragging about her gimungo tits and how she is a 'c' cup and blah blah blah. Not only that but she also makes jokes and comments on my boobs and how I am a wimpy B. Wimpy?! Since when are b's whimpy?! Anywhoo, I figured since you have a fantastic sence of humor you could help me with something smart assy to say. Help! -Sage

B’s are fine, chica.  Anything bigger than a B gets all saggy after breastfeeding and you spend the rest of your life envying the still-perky B-cup girls. Except not me because I’m a D and I didn’t breastfeed correctly so my boobs are still kind of awesome.  I brag about them in Geography every day.  Oh wait…no I don’t.  Because I don’t have a self-esteem problem. And I’m not in Geography.  You have two options:  The first is to pull your friend aside and privately tell her that bragging about her boobs is making her look like she has a self-esteem issue and that she’s vicariously giving you one by dragging you into it.  If that doesn’t work then the next time she starts bragging about how big her boobs are, lean in and whisper loudly (with innocent, yet worried concern) “Kaitlyn, your boobs really are huge.  Like, even bigger than normal.  Are you pregnant?”  She’ll freak out and deny it but every time she brings it up in the future just whisper “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?"  Eventually she’s going to stop.  Or admit that she’s pregnant.  Either way, the attention is off you.

·    Dear Bloggess: I hit my head really hard on my washing machine. Now I have a bump that makes me look like a unicorn. Since I have this bump, and I suffered the pain for it, do I get magical powers? Unicorn powers? If so, what are they and how do I activate them? Can I choose my powers? I choose the ability to create Sonic ice out of thin air. I would be the King Midas of ice connoisseurs. I'm so glad auto spell check knew what word I was trying to say just then. What were we talking about? ~ Amber

 Dear Amber, it sounds like you have a concussion.  You need to see a doctor immediately or you could die.  Don’t go to sleep or you could die.  And don’t eat anything or you could throw up and die.  And I just realized you left me this question like a month ago.  Fuck.  If you’re still awake you should probably go to the emergency room.  My God, I suck at this.

High school sucks for everyone.

·    Dear Bloggess, My step-daughter is six and she talks non-stop. From morning till night, she blabs all the time. And most of the time what she says is neither amusing nor can it be used for my own financial gain. What is something I can think of to pass the time while she talks at me? ~ Jodi

I usually think about survival plans for various end-of-the-world scenarios.  That way I look like I’m concentrating on what my kid is saying and I’m better prepared for any emergencies.  It’s good for both of us.  Like, think about what would happen if a ninja attacked right then?   Where would you go?  How would you hide?  Map out an escape plan complete with contingencies.  Now start again but replace the ninja with a dinosaur.  Then move on to what you would do if a chimpanzee was trying to get into your car to eat your face off and all you had was a hammer.  Could you hammer a chimp to death?  What if the chimp was just mad because you ran over its mother?  Could you still do it?  I could.  Because I’m mentally prepared.  And now it’s your turn.

·    Dear Bloggess, I just paid about $20,000 for law school, which there is no way I can get back. Unfortunately, I also just discovered I hate law school. What should I do? Love, Meg

Spray paint a big C in the Law School’s sign so it looks like it says “Claw School” and then tell them that you thought you were paying to get a degree in fixing claws and ask when the claw lessons start.  Then when they explain that this is law school and that claw school doesn’t even exist threaten to sue them for false advertising.  Tell them you’ll settle for $20,000 and then if they say no, go to class and constantly interrupt the professor to ask questions about claws and when he doesn’t know the answers be all “WHAT KIND OF CLAW PROFESSOR ARE YOU?”  Evenutally you’re going to get your money back.  Or end up in jail.  In which case your law training will come in handy so I hope you were occassionally listening in class and not just thinking up new claw questions.

·    Dear Bloggess, I'm in high school and dealing with this one manwhore who insults and makes stupid arguments with me because he thinks he's impressing me with his brilliant logic. He really pisses me off. Once he told me that I was stupid for staying a virgin and that I won't be fully mature until I have sex. I told him I hope he gets gonorrhea. Actually I didn't, but should have. So anyway. I guess my question is, should I stab him, or something else? Stabbing is pretty much the only thing I can think of. ~Lydia

Lydia, run.  First of all, in total seriousness, that guy is basically daring you to sleep with him.  Sadly, that kind of crap will actually work on a lot of girls dumber than you so he probably already has gonorrhea, along with most of the dumb girls he’s manipulated into sleeping with him.  For God’s sake, don’t stab him because you’re going to get gonorrhea all over you.  Ignore him.  In 10 years you'll struggle to even remember what his name was.  Unless he gave you gonorrhea.  You always remember the name of the first guy who gave you gonorrhea.

Your husband is probably cheating on you. I can help.

·  Dear Bloggess: My husband shaved his chest hair for the first time in ... ever. I really need help figuring out what is UP!? New modeling career, new girlfriend, scabies? He's being a little secretive about it. ~ Imp3

Lots of Olympic swimmers shave their chests so they can swim faster so I wouldn’t worry about it.  Unless he’s not in the Olympics.  Then he’s probably cheating on you.  Or he has lice of the chest hair.  Which he probably got from cheating on you.  Either way, it’s kind of a blessing that he shaved because when you drug him and use a home-made tattoo pen to permanently write “I’m married, bitch” on his chest you’d have to shave him anyway.  Technically he’s saving you time.  And if he’s still unconscious after that you should tattoo “And I have crabs too” on his ass because some women don’t care if men are married, but they usually all care about crabs.  And if he’s still unconscious after that he might be dead.  How many sedatives did you give him?  That’s probably too many.

·  What if everything you touched turned to waffles? ~ Michael

I’d keep it a secret so the government wouldn’t try to use me as an assassin and instead I’d spend the day sneakily touching all the people who annoy me.  Then I’d travel to Ethiopia and turn all the sand into waffles so I’d end hunger but I’d still do it on the down-low because I’m kind of saint-like that way and I don’t need the credit and I wouldn’t even tell my family but then one day I’d be in the bathroom and I’d go to wipe and I’d accidentally turn myself into a waffle and my husband would be all “WHO DROPPED A WAFFLE IN THE TOILET?” and the answer would be silence.  Because that waffle was me.  I’m not sure how this qualifies as “advice” unless this actually happens to you and then you can learn from my mistakes.  Don’t wipe.

·  Dear Bloggess: Do you think I'll ever be able to explain to my Mom that we moved half-way around the world for adventure, not to escape her? Even thought that might be the real reason. ~Bea

I think you might be over-reacting.  Mothers always support and understand the choices their children make and I’m sure she’s very happy for you.  Unless this is my daughter and you are feeling me out to see how I would react to you moving halfway around the world.  Pretty fucking pissed off is how I would be, Hailey.  WTF?  Are you trying to kill me?  Is that what you want?  For me and your father to die alone while you’re off getting malaria in some third-world country?  Also, you are fucking four.  You don’t get to move anywhere that I don’t want to move to.  You can’t even tie your own shoes yet. You are totally grounded.

What to do if you're afraid of black people

·    Dear Bloggess:  I’m mortified to admit this but I need help. I’m afraid of black people.  I know that this is wrong and I feel really bad about it but I never knew any in the town I was from and now I moved to a new town and they’re everywhere.  It’s not that I’m racist.  I’ve just never known any and I get really anxious around them. Help!  ~ Kat

Dear Kat:  It’s true.  Black people can be very frightening.  They are different from you and I and have dangerous mood-swings, and powerful jaws that can crush a man’s skull in seconds.  Wait, no, those are pandas.  Black people are fine.  They’re just like you.  Except black.  If you took off the skin of a black person and a white person you’d probably go to jail, but before you got arrested you’d realize that they look exactly the same.  Totally gross and bloody.  And that’s the message here:  Black, white, brown, albino…we’re all equally gross underneath our skin.  Ask yourself this, Kat:  Would you be afraid of a Smurf just because his skin is a different color than yours?  I would, because Smurfs aren’t real and if you’re seeing one you probably had a stroke or something.  You should go to the hospital immediately.  Better yet, ask a black person to drive you to the hospital so that you can get to know them and discover that black people are actually quite awesome.  Except for the ones who are assholes.  Just because you're black doesn’t mean you can’t be an asshole.  No race has a monopoly on being assholes.  Except for mermaids.  I think we can all agree here that mermaids are assholes.  PS. Don’t ask the person driving you to the doctor if you can “feel their hair”.  You’re embarrassing all of us.  

·    Dear Bloggess: I have this close friend who's always whining about how we don't do much. We do, really, but she's always comparing our lives with this rival girl clique. Like even when we're having a blast at a party, taking photos, on a natural high, she totally ruins the moment by comparing us to them. Your answers are pretty brilliant so how can I kindly tell her to STFU and appreciate us for who we are? ~ Sa-Woosh

Next time she says something about how much better they are than you guys be all “Well, I’m convinced.  Those girls are way better than us.  And that’s why I’m leaving you for them.”  And then when she’s all “What?  No!  They are totally not better than us.  We’re better!” and then be like “Okay, fine.  But we have to find a way to bring them down once and for all.  Does anyone have access to anthrax?”  Then your friend will realize that maybe having a “rival gang of girls” is a dumb idea to begin with and will reassess her priorities.  Or she’ll poison the other girls with anthrax.  Either way, this is going to end.

·    Jenny, my boyfriend is kind of an insensitive, selfish jerk. I'm too stubborn to leave him, so I need an extra hand in MacGyvering an attentive, mature, considerate man out of this tunnel-visioned, videogame-raging, brilliant yet dense as all fuck nerdboy. the obvious tricks won't work--sexy lingerie, tying him up, tying MYSELF up, turkey baster... you name it, I've tried it. I get more love from my shower head. HALP ~ Rachaelsaurus

 Clearly you haven’t found the right kind of lingerie to distract him.  Is he into World of Warcraft?  Dress up as a sexy Deathknight in leather and chains and challenge him to get out his "polearms".  Or if he’s into Legend of Zelda, use this fairy as inspiration.   If he’s into Grand Theft Auto then steal a car and park it in his driveway and tell him you did it because you wanted to bond with him and you thought he’d like it.  Also, it’s important you have blood on you, I think.  If he likes point-and-shoot games you should just shoot him.  In the foot.  Guys love that shit.  And if he doesn't appreciate it then he wasn't worth being with in the first place.  Shoot him in the knee and tell him if he tells anyone about it you'll shoot out his other knee.  Now go find someone who loves you for you.  You deserve it.

The kinds of arsonists you should and shouldn't date

·  Hi Bloggess, I was sharing things with my *very* new boyfriend and I admitted that when I was five I punched a guy for being cheeky when I was 'boss of the class' (I kid you not) and he admitted he set fire to things like FIELDS when he was TEN. Am I wrong to be very scared? ~ Elle

When my mom was young she set fire to a field.  It was an accident, she says.  Then when I was 10 I went bike-riding and my mom was burning trash out in the back field because we were too rural to have trash pick-up and when I got back our entire backyard was on fire and my mom was inside watching tv and talking on the phone.  The point is that I think my mom is an arsonist.  But she’s also a kick-ass mom.  So I guess what I’m saying is that you can’t judge people by what they set fire to.  Unless they set fire to live animals or small children.  Don’t date those people.

·  Dear Bloggess, I recently got a really cute haircut that is, like, boy-style-short. It's great for summer and it shows off my eyes. I absolutely loved it. Then, my husband came home and he loved it, too! Even though I kind of look like a boy! Now I am worried that he is secretly gay, a pedophile, or both, though I actually have a tremendous rack. What should I do? ~ Middle-Aged-Woman

Honestly, I think you have good reason to be worried.  Victor gets all kinds of pissed off at me when I get my hair cut short because of the whole I-feel like-I’m-having-sex-with-a-boy-thing.  This is why I own so many wigs.  In short, your husband is probably gay.  Or just really supportive.  Either way you should keep him because he actually noticed your haircut and already that puts you way ahead of almost every other married woman I know.  Which is basically why we all hate you and your sensitive, gay husband.

·  Hi Bloggess - A crazy TV preacher convinced my Grandma to stop taking her Alzheimer's meds and to instead take 2 tablespoons of his blessed dishwashing detergent every day instead. What I'm wondering is - how can I get his home address? He isn't listed in the phonebook. I'm planning to leave my Grandma on his front lawn as a life lesson. ~ Wendy

I think the real life lesson here is that the elderly shouldn’t have access to TV or phones.  Years ago, my grandmother gave a ton of money to Jim and Tammy Faye Baker.  Before she had cable the worst thing she could do is buy too many cookies from traveling Girl Scouts.  That’s why it’s your duty to rip the cable and phone wires out of the houses of your grandparents. And don’t even think about letting them on the internet.  Isolate them completely. Start with the phone so they don’t call the cops while you’re destroying their TV.  Trust me, I’ve made that mistake before.  

You and those bears are saints

·  Dear Bloggess, A new guy moved in next door to me and since our apartment building has a no-smoking rule he thinks that means no-smoking inside. So he stands outside right next to MY door, which is, of course, open because it's freekin hot as hell and I don't have AC. Instead of "Welcome to the building," my first words to him were, "Oh, you're a smoker. You know that's coming into my house right?" I feel like we got off on the wrong foot, but I don't really want to be on the right foot with someone who would be so CLUELESS as to stand in front of their new neighbor's house and SMOKE for Chrissakes. Am I crazy? What would you do? ~ Tea Silvestre

Go outside to water your lawn at the same time and spray the shit out of him with a garden hose.  If you don’t have a garden hose you can use a spray-bottle. Then when he’s all “WHAT THE HELL?!” be like “”Oh, I’m so sorry!  I’m a forest ranger.  It’s totally involuntary.”  Then he’ll light another cigarette and you spray him in the face again.  Then whisper “Only you can prevent forest fires” and say it kind of off-kilter so that you seem a little dangerously unstable.  Then install a motion-activated sprinkler outside his door so he gets drenched every time he walks outside.  No kidding, I used the spray-bottle method to keep my cats off the kitchen counter and it totally worked so this'll probably make your neighbor quit smoking.  It’s like you’re saving his life.  He’ll probably thank you one day.  Or stab you.  Keep your distance if he tries to hug you, just in case.

·  Ok, so my best friend just called me to tell me that the final piece of her 'perfect life' puzzle has just been found. And I'm happy for her and all that crap, but I don't even know what my 'puzzle' looks like. And I'm crap at puzzles. Actually, I hate puzzles. And if I hate puzzles, does that mean my life is never going to get any better? Crap. ~ Bea

Get the hell away from that chick.  No kidding. Everytime anyone says something crazy like that, something terrible happens to them.  Every tragic story on the news is about some cop who was eaten by wolves the day before retirement, or a girl who won the lottery and the next day she got cancer and fell into a thresher.  It’s like your best friend is just begging to be buried in an avalanche or something.  The best thing you can do is stay away from her.  Or do something to fuck up her life so she's less of a target.  Like hire a bunch of bears to maul her husband and eat her savings account.  No one has ever died in an avalanche while they’re nursing their mauled, recently bankrupted husband back to health.  I looked it up on the internet.  Basically you and those bears are saving her life.  You and those bears are saints.

·  Dear Bloggess: My boss goes on and on about how HER daughter makes her own baby food and her daughter's baby sleeps through the night and blah blah blah . . . how do I deflect that crap since i'm lucky to even see my baby at the end of the day? ~ Roo

Anybody's baby will sleep through the night if you give it enough whiskey, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good idea.  Also, baby food tastes awful.  Have you ever tried it?  It tastes like vomit.  So, yeah.  Your boss’s daughter is really good at making food that tastes like vomit.  She must be so proud.  Sadly, you can’t win at this game so just give up and try a new angle.  Start mentioning to your boss how amazing your mom’s boss is.  Mention that your mom’s boss brings in home-grown organic lunches for all her employees and lets them work from home every Friday to increase productivity and that your mom’s boss also has a naturally high metabolism and once saved a baby kitten from a fire.  It probably won’t help but it’ll make you feel better.

How to force someone to propose to you

· Dear Bloggess: How do I make my boyfriend propose to me so that he thinks it is really his idea but it was secretly my thoughts sneaking into his brain and controlling his impulses? ~ Claire Smith

Have a fortune cookie made that says “Will you marry me, Claire Smith?” and next time you’re both at a chinese restaurant sneak it on the table and then open it and say “YES!  YES I WILL MARRY YOU, YOU WONDERFUL MAN!”  And say it loud enough that everyone turns around and cheers.  Then whisper that you are so happy that you are going to give him the most amazing blow job in the history of the world as soon as you get in the car.  Then before he can explain, pull him out to the car and right after the blow job when he's still kind of dazed ask to borrow his phone.  Find his mom's number on his phone and tell her that you guys just got engaged.  Now it's kind of set in stone.  You’re pretty much guaranteed a successful marriage starting off like that.

· Dear Bloggess: I am a 30y/o single female and I've been intentionally single most of my adult life. I've never wanted to get married or have children. Lately I've started feeling like I could change my mind on that; however, the idea of dating is completely daunting to me. I am very independent after being raised in an abusive home and fending for myself for literally 2/3 of my life and am not sure how to let go of that control and share my life with somebody else--especially when it seems so difficult to just find a nice man. At 30 I don't want to kiss a bunch of frogs to find a prince. Do you have any suggestions for how to go about dating? Will I be sorry I asked you? ~ Miss V

Go out and find the guy who is perfect for you. Now dump him.  No joke.  Break up with him immediately.  If you’ve been raised in an abusive home and have never had a real relationship you are probably a terrible judge of who is right for you.  Now choose someone who is exactly the opposite of who you thought you were attracted to.  That, my friend, is the guy for you.  You're welcome.

· Dear Bloggess: I'm living in France for the summer. I think the produce guy at the market might have a crush on me. When he puts my produce in a bag he always tells me he's going to put "un petit cadeau" (a little gift) in there too, "just for me." So far it's been an apricot or some parsley or something like that. But it sounds dirty to me. Sometimes I'm afraid to open the bag. What do you think? ~ Suzanna

You're right to be concerned.  It’s a well known fact that a bunch of parsley given to you by a total stranger is a proposition for casual sex but a free apricot is a symbol of marriage.  This guy is clearly fucking with you and you shouldn’t sleep with him until he gives you a pomegranate, which is considered a binding agreement to pay support for any child that comes out of the union.  Oh wait, hang on. I just went back and re-read your question and realized it’s not a stranger giving you produce, but the guy who actually runs the produce store.  No.  That doesn’t mean anything. 

Too late, sir. You're an asshole.

·  Dear Bloggess: I am still feeling stabby. People now either ask me about my ex, or look at me with pity and ask me when I am going to date again. Should I tell them I'm a lesbian just to get them off my case? It would work at church, for sure. ~ Gster

Tell them you are considering entering the nunnery, so technically you are dating Jesus.  Then if they judge you they are also judging Jesus.  Pretty sure you go to hell for that.  Also, say stuff like “Oh, your husband didn’t come with you to church today?  My boyfriend did.  Jesus is always with me”.  And smile smugly like you and Jesus feel sorry for them.

·  Is there a way to tell my wife I wish she'd lose weight without being an asshole, or does wanting my wife to lose weight and telling her so automatically make me an asshole? ~ he who shall not be named

Too late, sir.  I'm sorry.  You’re an asshole.

·  Dear Bloggess: One of my coworkers is 20 & I'm 30, but look 25. I'm interested. He's interested, but has no idea how old I am. Should I tell him first, or just go for it, & then be all like, "I can't believe you didn't know that! I never lied to you!!!" ~ crazy claire

I've seen this so many times I can already tell you how this is how it's going to go down.  You are 30 but you say you’re 25 so you could bed this guy who didn't actually care about your age anyway.  Unfortunately, he’s lying about his age too.  He’s 16.  Start looking for a lawyer now because you are about to get arrested.  

·  Dear Bloggess: My mom insisted on teaching my little cousin to say "fluffed" instead of "farted" as she like to announce it to everyone. Which even at 6 years old i found ironic, because my mother has a mouth that would make a trucker blush. ~ missrachell

 I don’t want to alarm you, Rachell, but if you look up the word “fluffer” it’s not someone who farts.  It’s someone who keeps porn stars aroused and “cleaned up” in between takes.  No joke.  “Farted” is way less offensive than “fluffed”.  Is it possible your mother is just really mean and is messing with you and your cousin on purpose?  I say “probably”.

My mother is a terrible alcoholic

· Dear Bloggess: I know this woman. Beautiful, charming, intelligent. The problem is, she's accident-prone. She always seems to have a burn, sprain or fracture. I'm very attracted to her and I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual but I'm afraid of getting caught in the crossfire. Any suggestions? ~ Garret

That’s so weird.  I think I totally know this woman too.  Beautiful, charming, intelligent, covered in bruises?  “Falls down the stairs” a lot?  Hangs around with a guy named Garret?  I’m going to level with you, Garret.  I’m pretty sure she didn’t fall down the stairs and what’s more, I’m fairly certain you hit her with your car.  Ask yourself this:  Have I recently blacked out or lost long periods of time?  Did I have to have my front bender fixed after what I assumed was a hit-and-run?  Did I once wake up with a tattoo that says "My name is Eric. Fuck you"? Does this woman flinch whenever I try to give her a high-five?  If the answer to these questions was “yes” then I suspect you have a split personality who is battering this girl for flirting with you.  You need help that honestly I’m not even qualified to give you.  Unless you have a lot of extra cash.  Then give me a call.  But not cash you woke up with that’s covered with bank-teller blood.  Clean money, Garret.  This is important.

·  dear jenny the bloggess, i actually just had a baby and i have spectacular boobs right now, but they look like they're plastic, and sort of make me feel like i sold out and purchased a spectacular set even though i came about them honestly. can you help? ~ Pamela

I don’t understand the problem.  Do women wearing expensive purses feel bad that they didn’t go to the sweatshop and handcraft them themselves?  Do people eating KFC feel bad that they didn’t strangle their own chicken?  Do girls on birth control brag about their IUD only if they whittled and installed it themselves?  No.  Store-bought or natural, boobies are wonderful and should be celebrated.  Flaunt them with pride and if you hear someone whisper that they must be fake then just smile and take that as a compliment.  Then kick them in the stomach as hard as you can. That's the only way they'll learn.

How do you deal with a hangover? ~ Michael

Easy.  Never get sober.  Or you could do what my mother suggests and just "drink a lot of water to avoid dehydration" but it’s been my experience that water almost never gets you drunk.  My mother is a terrible alcoholic.  Because she doesn’t drink alcohol, I mean.  Not because she drinks too much.  If she drank too much she’d be a “terrific alcoholic”.  That’s how adjectives work.

"Snow Cream": It's not what you think it is.

· Dear Bloggess: What even IS fat-free half n' half? ~ jamie

No one knows, Jamie.  But I will tell you that when I used to work at a snow cone stand we offered “snow cream” for an extra dollar and the guy who trained me was all “Psst.  Wanna know what the ‘snow cream’ really is?” and I got kinda freaked out because he was raising his eyebrow suggestively and I’d just eaten some snow cream myself but turns out it was just “half ‘n half” that we poured into another container so we could charge a dollar for a tablespoon of half 'n half.  I didn’t really answer your question but now you know what ‘snow cream’ is so I think you owe me a dollar.  

·  Dear Bloggess. A friend and I have a standing lunch date with a coworker who is never satisfied with his food. Today at lunch, he felt that his chicken quesadilla had extraneous ingredients (and by that I mean onions and tomatoes, not les cucarachas) and he proceeded to meticulously remove the offending vegetables, place them in his napkin, animatedly toss the napkin to the opposite side of the table, and then loudly announce that if we wanted any of those things, we were free to have them. He rants about food too hot, too cold, messy presentation, slow service, expense, leaving tips, incorrect orders, extra toppings...anything and everything. What can we say to him when he's having one of his "episodes"? Well, what would YOU say - and we'll just repeat it. ~  Annette

Super easy.  Next time he starts muttering about something on his plate that fails to meet his expectations just freak the fuck out about it.  Make a tremendous scene.  Like, if there’s guacamole on the side and he doesn’t like guacamole yell “I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT!  MY FRIEND SHOULD NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS KIND OF RIDICULOUS HARASSMENT!” and then when the manager comes over scream “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO HIM?!  IS IT BECAUSE HE’S HANDICAPPED?!”  And it’s even better if he isn’t disabled because then he’ll be like “I’m not handicapped!“ and you can be all “YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PRETEND FOR THESE PEOPLE, CHARLES” and then when he tries to calm you down, crumple over the table and have a crying jag and be all “I’m sorry.  I just can’t handle that you are treated this way simply because you are Jewish.”  (Bonus points if he isn’t actually Jewish.   And if he is Jewish instead say “Puerto Rican” or “a World War I veteran”)  At this point he will be so mortified that he’ll be too terrified to ever complain in front of you for fear that you’ll lose your shit again.  And next time when his food arrives, give him the crazy-eye and grasp the table-edges and flare your nostrils and be all “Is it okay?  You tell me if it isn’t and we will END THIS THING!”  And chances are he will say it’s perfect even if there’s a human finger floating in it.  Everyone wins. Except for the guy who lost a finger.  Someone needs to get that thing in some ice.

· Why do birds suddenly appear.. every time.. you are near?  ~ JoD

Those are buzzards.  I keep a lot of raw meat in my pocket.

Who to leave your kids to if you die suddenly

·  Dear Bloggess, My dog has the farts so bad it's like his butt is snoring. Will the inadvertent inhalation of this kill me, and do you know where I can find a dog ass-sized cork? Holding my breath in anticipation of your answer. ~ Gassed in OK

My kid has this book called “Walter the Farting Dog” except we call it “Walter the Tooting Dog” because I think “fart” is an inappropriate word for a four-year-old and yes, I’m aware of how odd that sounds coming from me.  Anyway, the whole book is about how this dog can’t stop farting and so the family is going to send him to the pound but then burglars break in and Walter stops the burgalers with the power of farts.   I think the book might have been written by a dog because now everytime my dog farts I’m all “There aren’t any burglars here, Barnaby Jones, but I appreciate the effort”.   

·  Dear Bloggess: Who should I leave my kids to if I die in a spectaular plane crash with my husband on the way to my upcoming cruise? I have no good choices. ~ ktjrdn

You should leave them to some really wealthy celebrity who doesn’t already have kids.  That way they won’t want to keep them but have their reputation to protect and instead will put them in some kick-ass fancy boarding school and hire maids to show them love and when the celebrity dies of some drug-related death in a few years your kids will inherit all their money.  Now your kids are millionaires.  In fact, it's kind of selfish not to go ahead and give them to the celebrity right now.

·  Dear Bloggess: I really want to travel but the idea of actually doing it freaks me out. I'm afraid that I'll get stranded without my wallet and ID or that some TSA agent will be having a bad day and take it out on me or any number of other scenarios that I know wouldn't really happen except that I know they would, you know? How do you do it? I know you have things that freak you out too but somehow you manage to go to blogger conventions and visit aircraft carriers and all sorts of stuff. How do you talk yourself into those things? Please don't tell me it's the wig, 'cause I don't think I can do that. ~ Steve

Xanax.  I take a lot of it.

OHMYGOD wait!  Can we go back to the last question?  Because I have an even better idea than giving your children to a celebrity.  Give them to the Pope.  Because first of all, this would be the first time a Pope became a parent so your kids just made history and also I’m pretty sure they automatically go to heaven.  Plus, lots of giant hats to play with. 

It's all your fault. Or possibly not.

·  Dear bloggess, there is a strange clicking noise next to my computer stand in the corner. I don't know what it is. ~ stalkerkaren

Are you typing right now?  It’s probably your keyboard.  Or, possibly a small mouse on its keyboard who is blogging bad stuff about you.  That shit happens to me all the time.  Except it’s with humans who don’t live in my house.  Not mice who do.  Mostly because I don’t have mice in my house.  But I do have ants so I’m not going to judge you.  Much.

· Dear Bloggess:  Both of my parents are divorced. My mom is remarried. My dad remarried, then divorced, and is now DATING his 2nd ex-wife. My husband's parents are also divorced. His dad is remarried (and of all of them, is the one who SHOULD be divorced again, because that woman is a shrew!). His mom remarried, then divorced, and is now DATING her 2nd ex-husband. This makes for /awesome/ holidays, let me tell ya.  What the fucking fuck is wrong with the Baby Boomers? Do they have relationship ADHD? Has a lifetime of being called /baby/ boomers made them into actual babies? Are they just fucking with me? ~ Anonymous

*Eek.*  I don’t think I’m qualified to answer this because my parents are still married.  Probably because I was such an awesome kid.  My husbands’ parents/step-parents have like eight marriages between them though and I’m pretty sure it’s because of something that my husband did to make that all happen even though technically I think a lot of those divorces happened before he was even born.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is probably your fault somehow because I read a used book about divorce once and it said it was important to blame the kids.  Or to not blame the kids.  I can’t remember.  Honestly I really just flipped through the pages to make sure no one had left any money inside it.  You’d be surprised how many people use dollar bills as bookmarks.  This doesn’t really answer your question but I did just give you an excellent money-making tip so I’m pretty sure we’re square here. 

· Dear Bloggess: So I just moved out of this really shitty flat in Britain to a new one, and the management company is run by this woman. We'll call her Bitcherella. Anyway. Bitcherella is trying to screw me every way possible and despite the fact that I am better than her (like better educated, better spoken, better dressed WAY better lookin') she totally scares me. I even tried putting on my black high heeled boots so I could tower over her but she still scares me in that I'm a mid 40s divorcee who ate way too much ice cream and I want to take it out on you...kinda way. So yeah, how can I intimidate her the next time we have a meeting? I mean apart from whipping out the photos I have as proof that she is wrong and I am right. I want to make her suffer like I do?

Whenever I get pissed off about someone my dad says “Wow.  You must really like them” and I’m all “WTF?!  I HATE THEM” and he says “Well, you sure are giving them a lot of free rent in your head so you must really like them” and then I kind of want to stab my dad a little because that doesn’t make any sense at all.  But then it distracts me from hating whatever stupid person I was hating on because then I feel bad for wanting to stab my dad so actually, now that I think about it, technically that totally works.  Awww.  Thanks, daddy.

Why you shouldn't use an advice column to find kidnappers.

Dear Bloggess: My three-year old daughter keeps asking friends and random strangers if they have a penis or a vagina. Should I discourage this? --Denise

Oh, she’s just curious.  Just pull her aside and tell her that everyone has a penis or a vagina.  Except for aunt Claire.  She was born without either.  But we don’t talk about that.  Ever.  And say the aunt Claire part really darkly so it sticks in her head and kind of freaks her out and scares her away from even thinking about random strangers genitals.  It’s for her own protection really.  It’s even better if you don’t actually even have an aunt Claire because then the kid won’t ask if they can see her (lack of) genitals and instead your kid will just be kind of quiet and freaked out at family reunions, wondering which one is Aunt Claire and if she ever got a vagina and everyone will think you have a really well-behaved child.

Dear Bloggess:  First off, why doesn't it accept mug as an answer for a cup with a handle? That's a freaking mug. If you borrow a car and promise to return it, then it's considered theft. But why isn't it considered kidnapping when you take a child for a visit, promise to return him, and then don't? My former in-laws asked if my 3yo son could come to visit, and I agreed, for a period of 3 weeks. They said they agreed and now are refusing to bring him home to me. I can't get to where they live, which is bumble-frick nowhere Minnesota, cause I don't drive and the hound doesn't go to their village (seriously, a village). None of the cops I've talked to, in Michigan or MN, will help. They're trying to get custody of him. Both my ex and I want him here with me. The ex lives in CA, so even harder for him to get there. Any readers want to go for a drive with a total stranger?I want my baby back, he just turned 3. ~ BJ

BJ, are you using my advice column as a way to hook-up with strangers interested in kidnapping your child (back)?  Because that’s kind of awesome.  And also kind of insane.  I don’t really have any advice here except don’t bring mace or a baseball bat because both of those are considered weapons in a kidnapping even though technically they’re non-lethal.  I wish to God I didn’t know that from experience.

I'm newly single (almost divorced). How do I get my groove back? I forgot how this whole flirting thing works. I feel like such a dork.. ~  Lex

Okay, first of all you need some smoking hot lingerie and a bikini wax.  But don’t show them to anyone.  Just know they’re there and embrace that exciting sense of mystery.  Then get your labia peirced.  Also, I’m assuming Lex is a girls name.  If not, don’t do any of that.

How to groom testicles that were wounded in battle

 ·   Dear Bloggess: This is a grooming question: I'm thinking of shaving my man-sack instead of continuing to braid the longish ball fur. The problem is that while I was in Viet Nam I had an accident during a rocket attack that involved my man-sack and contents being caught in a bunk as I jumped up to grab my rifle. The problem now is that I have stretch marks on my now severely elongated man-sack that may be off-putting to the casual observer. The issue is exacerbated by my now being an old man and the natural drooping attendant with age. Shaving will make the unsightly stretch marks more obvious but my arthritis and poor vision is making braiding impossible. Any suggestions other than taping them to my chest and wearing a loose shirt as that only made it appear that I had twin goiters. Thank you for your consideration. 

Dude.  You have a ballsack that was wounded while defending our country.  If anything you should be proud of your droopy ballsack and wear it like a badge of honor.  In fact, did you know that a very droopy ballsack turned upside down looks like a heart?  A very hairy, kind of disgusting, upside down heart.  And if other people can’t see the heart in your genitals I say it’s their loss.  I salute you, sir, and your dangly balls. ON BEHALF OF AMERICA.

·   Is watching the new Star Trek going to in any way taint my love for William Shatner? I really want to see it, but if I watch it I'm afraid when I think of Captain Kirk I'll be thinking of that new guy. I do not want to live my life that way. Please help. ~ MayoPie

If one movie can taint your love of the Shat then you never really loved him to begin with.  These are the rules of Shatner.

·   Dear Bloggess:  I have these great black thigh-high stiletto boots that my mean ol' boss tells me I can't wear to work anymore because "It's not professional." or some such nonsense... Do you want them? ~ Librarian Linda 

Yes.  I totally do.  Also, this isn't really an advice question.  But I'm keeping it because I need new shoes. Unless you are not a size 9.  Then you are just wasting everyones time.

My vagina is eight miles wide

· Dear Bloggess:  I have had the song "Rhinestone Cowboy" by Glen Campbell stuck on a continuos loop in my head since the age of ten. Any suggestions? Signed: Singin' the same old song in Houston 

The only way to get one earworm out of your head is to replace it with another.  I suggest “My Vagina is 8 Miles Wide” which is awesome because not only does it push every other song out of your head but also you find yourself at the grocery store singing “My vagina is eight miles wide….absolutely everyone can come inside” and then you realize that everyone is looking at you.  Probably because they just haven’t heard the song themselves because otherwise they’d totally sing along.  This is why everyone needs to go listen to it now and learn the lyrics.  There will be a sing-along later.

· Dear Jenny.Bloggess: I have a question I can't ask people because how do you ask someone how to remove "MAN STAINS" from white towels? And how come "MAN STAINS" aren't white? Any additional information on "MAN STAINS" would be helpful. ~NeatLady

When you say “MAN STAINS” are you referring to the blood-stained towels you have after murdering a man?  Because those should be burned in an open field. You don’t keep the towels that can be used against you as evidence.  This is Murder 101, people.  To be brutally honest, if you’re even considering keeping the bloody towels you clearly are not even remotely capable of commiting a murder.

· Dear Bloggess: How do I keep my children from turning into assholes? Asshole runs in the family. Thanks! ~ Bekki

It’s been my experience that the asshole gene usually skips a generation.  One generation is an asshole.  The next generation recognizes the asshole gene and strives to fix it and protect their children from anything that might ever make them an asshole, ironically *making* them an asshole because they never learned how much it sucks to be around an asshole because they don’t ever get to see one and then-OHMYGOD “MAN STAINS”….I totally just now got this.  I’m sorry, I have to skip back to the last question.  Are you refering to semen, NeatLady?  Because that makes way more sense.  But I think the answer is the same.  Burn the towels in an open field.  I did look it up on another site and it said that you could use borax, hydrogen peroxide, or “convince your partner to swallow”.  I am not making this up.  Like, “I’m just trying to save you from tough laundry stains, baby”.  It’s almost like they’re asking to get stabbed.  In which case you can use the same towels to mop up the blood as you did for the semen because you’re conserving resources and that’s good for the environment and everyone.

So to answer your question, Bekki, yeah.  Your kids are probably going to be assholes.  But your grandkids will be awesome so I guess my advice is just get your kids pregnant as soon as possible.

This is probably my best advice post ever.

I’m a little drunk.

And that's how I would commit suicide in the jungle

·  Dear Bloggess:  You and Victor seem to have it all figured out. how do I get my husband to finish the house projects he starts?? He goes halfway and then starts a new one and it's driving me nuts!! Save this marriage! ~ Wendy

Okay, maybe it seems like Victor and I have the perfect marriage but let me take you back five years ago...  I’m all “Let’s clean this filthy house” and while I’m off scrubbing down the bathroom I hear this terrible racket coming from the living room and Victor has spread 8,000 comic books all over the floor and I’m all “WTF, Victor?!” and he’s like “I’m reorganizing my comics by date and condition so don't come in the living room for the next two weeks” and then I freaked out because the house is even messier than before and Victor gets pissed off that I "can’t recognize the importance of organization" and stomps off to watch TV, leaving the living room covered in Spider Man heads and then I get out the matches because fire cleans everything.  Except for mylar comic books sacks which smell terrible when you burn them and also they melt to the carpet and release toxic fumes when they’re on fire.  Apparently.  And that’s why we had to move from our last house.  Because Victor couldn’t finish a simple project.  So now we have a new house and Victor never leaves out anything and I’m not legally allowed to be near matches anymore.  So yeah, I guess we do kind of have a perfect marriage.

·  My blog seems to attract mean commenters and drama hogs. You never seem to get mean comments. Are you just deleting them or paying people to be nice to you? Help me, Obi Wan. I'm close to quitting. ~ Heather

That is an excellent question but I already answered that like a year ago on my other blog.  Is it cheating if I just link to that?  It feels like cheating.  Oh fuck it.  Just go here.  Then come back.  We’re not done yet.

·  You are in the middle of the jungle. You are really sick. The ER in the jungle has no doctors. What do you do? ~ jen plus two

 Dude.  I pick up some fatal disease like once a week.  Like, once I got a dog disease.  True story.  I will not survive this jungle fever even if I had the best doctors available so I’d ask my pet monkey to smother me to death with a pillow.  I have a pet monkey, right?  Because I can’t imagine why I’d go to the jungle unless it was to get a pet monkey.  Unless I got sick before I found my special monkey.  That would be tragic.  Fuck.  Now I’m suicidal and I have no monkey.  Congratulations, Jen.  This is the most depressing question ever.

PS.  When I refer to “jungle fever” I’m referring to whatever fatal malaria-type disease I’ve picked up, not interracial dating.  Interracial love is awesome and should be celebrated …not “cured” by letting your pet monkey suffocate you.   I probably don't need to add this clarification but it’s worth it if it saves even one life.

PS.  I need more questions.  For real.  Leave 'em in the comments and all will be revealed.  Unless I can't think of a good answer or I get distracted.  That happens a lot.

In which I fix problems by ignoring them

· Dear Bloggess: Want to know what's making my brain bleed? My four year old's whining. Fix that for me, please. Or fix me so that I don't care about the whining. Either way works. ~ mothergoosemouse

Okay, you actually asked me this three months ago so chances are 25% or higher that now you have a five year old instead of a four year old.  I’m pretty sure I just solved your problem with procrastination.   You’re welcome.

·  So my husband is a mouth breather. Except he only does it at night, where he does this annoying pff pff thing with his mouth. Sometimes he does it and it scares the dog so much she frantically tries to wake him up by sniffing his face (she's a dog, why doesn't she just bite his nose or something?) Lately he has been sleeping facing me. And I have to sleep on the side facing him, or I can't sleep. Anyway, he has horrible horrible horrible night breath, which I can smell because he breaths through his mouth. So instead of just the pff pff and the dog sniffing his face, I have the pff pff, the dog sniffing his face and death breath. Is it okay to shove those listerine strips in his mouth when he is sleeping? He says no. I think it might help. Your thoughts? ~ Morgan

Oh my God my husband does that pff pff thing too!  It makes me want to strangle him.  He says that I snore like mad but first of all I think he’s lying because no one else ever complains and also snoring is way less annoying than pff pff because it’s so quiet that you think you should be able to ignore it but you can’t because it’s like chinese water torture and you just want to stab them in the face but it’s too dark to find a knife.  Also, the listerene thing is dangerous because he might choke in his sleep so instead shove the listerine strips up his nose while he sleeps.  The nasal passsages are attached to the mouth anyway so that probably works just as well.  Also, the stinging might wake him up long enough for you to go to sleep and since the listerine strips dissolve there’s no evidence.  Just tell him you saw an ant crawling around his nose earlier in case he gets suspicious.

·  Dear Bloggess, Have you ever noticed that you talk about stabbing a lot? Just sayin'. Forever yours, Britt

I talk about stabbing a lot because this is an advice column about dealing with people.  If it was a home-improvement column I’d talk about housepaint a lot.  

Yes, Virginia. There is such a thing as a bad blow job.

·  Dear Bloggess, I have had prostate surgery and can no longer ejaculate. Every other function is working fine. Two questions. One, why do women think I am lying to them when I tell them this? And, second, why aren't they lining up to see what it is like to give a 'dry' BJ...??? ~  Vince Spence

Dear Vince, Okay, first of all the reason girls don’t believe your dry BJ proposition is because of a lifetime of “We don't need a condom baby, I’m infertile”, “I’ll pull out, I swear”, “I’ll tap your head right before” and “I’ll just ejaculate in your hair”.  Lies.  All lies.  Yours is pretty clever lie though because yours intrigues them into getting their face down near the penis to see the scar, I assume.  Nice work, dude.  But if I were you I wouldn’t use the term “dry BJ”.  No one wants that.  It’s been documented.  (Relatively SFW but turn down your speakers first.)

·   Dear Bloggess, What is the proper etiquette of pooping in public restrooms? Do you just let it go all willy-nilly, regardless of other people, smells, sounds, etc.? Or do you carefully time your grunts, farts and plunks to occur when someone flushes so you can disguise the fact that you're doing a number two? ~ Brittany

What exactly do you mean by “public”?  Do you mean an airport bathroom filled with strangers, or the shared bathroom in your office?  Because there are different rules for that shit.  If it’s like an airport then your goal is to get out of there as fast as possible and screw the noises because it’s not like anyone there is taping you, probably.  If it’s a public bathroom where you work and your coworkers might recognize your shoes then you should sing to yourself while you poop because that masks the noise.  I suggest something by Journey because it’s impossible not to join in when someone is singing Journey and then the whole bathroom starts singing and it’s awesome and also good for work morale.  Unless no one starts singing in which case you work with assholes and you shouldn't even try to protect them from poop sounds. Only the spiritually dead don’t sing along.  Like, watch...“Just a small-town girl, living in a lonely woo-orld.  She took the midnight train going aaaanyyywheeere.”  If you weren't just compelled to sing the rest of the song out loud you need medication because  you are dead inside. 

Or you could do what I do and just go find a bathroom on another floor where no one knows you.  Except I never have to do that because I don’t poop.  Ever.  That’s disgusting.

·  How would you respond to an 83 year-old dad who tells you he saw another drug delivery 'go down' - with one guy on a neighbor's roof flashing a light so smugglers knew the coast was clear, men delivering big boxes of dope to another neighbor's garage, and large police vans scaring the criminals into hiding? He saw all of this last night - out our front window - at around 1:30am - during a heavy snow storm. Three years ago he saw Mexicans taping envelopes of money to elm trees in the field. ~ Joey Brill

Joey, I would say that’s awesome.  My dad thinks Waco was “a government conspiracy” and I think he’s talking about the whole Branch Davidian thing but it possible he’s just talking about the entire city of Waco.  It’s hard to tell with him.  Either way it keeps me and my sister entertained so I say go with it.

Moms love male prostitutes

Dear Bloggess, I think you're cool. You're cooler than my mom. But deep, deep down inside, my mom is still the coolest. You see, my mom is a single parent for over 20 years, raising 5 kids on her own. I know she's lonely and want to have someone (a man) to love and be loved. She's 52 this year by the way. But she's still hot. I say that coz I'm her daughter and everyone said I looked like her and anyway, how do I get men to bring her out for dinner and end up marrying her? I love my mom and I want her to finally find happiness in her marriage. Thanks! Anita

Did you ever see “The Parent Trap”?  Because I didn’t but I think it’s a how-to on trapping people into being parents.  That might help.  But I think you need to have a twin or someone who looks like you?  Or maybe just buy your mom some socks.  Everyone likes new socks.  Or a male prostitute.  Everyone likes a male prostitute.  That’s why they’re always so popular.

Dear all wise, all benevolent Goddess.... (ok, scrap that last one).... I think I'm addicted to the TV show Supernatural. I get totally into it. Last time I got that into a show, it was Dark Angel, and since then I've had this all consuming girl-crush on Jessica Alba even though her movies completely suck, but I always have to watch them. (But I love cats anyway, so it didn't change that, just made me want to be one even more - oh and I started worshiping the cat goddess of egypt and they say when you find one of your cat's whiskers you should keep it and then burn it and make a wish, but I can't cos it came from my cat and I don't want to burn it - oh and I should also point out I'd never pluck a whisker from a LIVE cat, cos that's totally against everything I believe in... like, cats, you know?) Anyway, I'm scared cos I'm addicted... what do you think will happen this time? Should I stop watching?~  Mwa

I know this is an advice column but am I allowed to say “I don’t know”?  Because I don’t.  I think I get one “Skip me” card a year and I’m using it here.  Pass.

Where are the traveling midget porn shows? ~ raya21

Well, fuck.  Looks like I used that skip-me card too soon.  Look, I don’t know where you find traveling midget porn shows.  This is an advice column.  Not an information booth about porn shows. Wait, hang on.  I just googled “Where can one find traveling midget porn shows?” and it said “no results found” so I think that means that they don’t exist.  So if you’re interested in starting one the market is open.  Also, if you take the midget porn question out of quotes the number one google hit is actually to this advice column. It's hard not to be proud.

Updated:  Okay, we just took a hit and now we're just in the top three google searches for the midget porn question.  I feel strangely disappointed.

I'm not really Catholic enough to answer these questions

· Dear Jenny, The figure below is a five-point star. AKA a decagon. So do I type "star" or should I try to impress the captcha with my geometrical knowledge and type "decagon"? Are captchas easily impressed? Or am I just wasting my time? ~ Mermanda

I’m pretty sure a five pointed star is a pentagram and according to all the horror movies I’ve seen it’s a sign of the devil and/or apocolypse.  I’ve only seen pencils, shoes, and bugs used as the captcha picture on this site. Have you been using a ouijia board lately?  My suspicion is that you are being haunted by some sort of poltergiest.  Drink some holy water and say the Lord’s Prayer.  If you accidentally can only say it backward you've probably been possessed.  Call the Catholic church.  You’re going to need an old priest and a young priest.

·  How do you hook up with a bartender in a "happily ever after" kind of a way without running the risk of being forcibly ejected from the bar? I mean, the normal signs of mutual-like are there...but isn't it different with a bartender? Isn't he *paid* to be nice to me? But he remembers my name, my drink, that I don't like cherries, always comes over to talk to me....maybe I'm just an alcoholic who just tips well??? ~ Hannah-Lane

Bartenders are not allowed to sleep with you.  It’s like hobo-code except instead of hobos they’re bartenders so it’s kind of a different code completely.  But basically bartenders can't sleep with you because they got you drunk and it’s a conflict of interest or statutory rape or something.  I don’t know.  I don’t know bartender code that well.  But here are the basic points I know:  If he gives you free drinks he probably likes you.  If he sleeps with you, you just got engaged.  If he tries to renege after sleeping with you he owes you a pony.  This is the bartender code.

· Keep your penis out of haunted vaginas. ~ Jim Thompson

Jim, that’s not even a question. It’s more of a statement or exclamation.  But technically it is good advice so I’ll allow it.  Never stick anything in a haunted vagina.  They're like electrical sockets.  But even more dangerous.

How to deal with coworkers that need to be stabbed a lot

·  Dear Bloggess, How can I deal with the ignorant assholes who sit near me at work without stabbing them in the eye with a letter opener? ~ Jen

Put down the letter opener.  Instead, poison their coffee slowly.  That way they’ll get sick enough to not come to work anymore and you won’t go to prison or get blood on you.

 ·  Dear Bloggess, could you tell me whether enjoying midget porn makes me a bad person. Please answer at your earliest convenience... or I shall watch more midget porn and go to those special shows that come through town occasionally sort of like roving carnies, except for midgets and live porn shows instead of clowns piling out of cars and flame breathing people being shot all the way across the Big Tent. I used to feel bad about enjoying the midget porn so much, but everyone has to make a living, right? Plus, who doesn't like to make porn? The midgets sure seem to enjoy it, so I don't see what the problem is. Plus, it's a lot more fun to watch midgets than all those weirdos on elephants. ~David

Enjoying midget porn does not make you a bad person but calling it midget porn does because “midget” is not politically correct and you’re supposed to say “little person”, except if you google “little people” the first thing that pops up are the Fisher-Price Little People toys and it’s possible that’s the kind of porn that will come up.  So I guess for safety’s sake it’s okay to use “midget” if you’re looking for porn because no one wants to look at toys having sex.  Unless you’re into that stuff.  Which, yes, makes you a bad person.

·  Dear The Bloggess, I need to figure out something not retarded, ugly or lame to give my bridesmaids as a present at my wedding. What should I do that's not a tote bag, flask, bracelet, picture frame, blah, blah, blah? Help me...I suck at wedding planning. Seriously, yo. Worst. Bride. Ever. My bridesmaids' happiness with their presents is now in your hands. Ready, go! ~Kate

Pygmy Jerboas.  Like, dozens of them. And what’s awesome is that they’re so damn adorable that even if some get loose during the wedding everyone will be all “Awwww…they are so fucking cute!”  But for God’s sakes, don’t accidentally step on one because when they smell blood they go bananas and it’s not cute at all when you’re having your father-daughter dance and 30 pygmy jerboas are devouring their dead brother off the bottom of your shoe.  Unless you really hate to dance and want a distraction so no one looks at you.  Or you could just do what I did and get married in a church that doesn’t allow dancing.  Wait, was this question about how to avoid dancing?  Maybe you should just get everyone flasks.  FILLED WITH PYGMY JERBOAS.  That would be the awesomest wedding ever.

How to repel strange men who want to make babies with you

·  Dear Bloggess, My sister is taking summer classes at a local college. This one guy from her swimming class keeps talking to her when she is trying to eat lunch in between her classes. Today he told her he has three daughters and a son living across the country from him and then asked her if she would like to have a child with him. I kid you not. At the end of the conversation he asked her if they were officially going out. She weakly declined saying that she isn't interested in dating right now. How can she get rid of this creep-o?~ MySisterHasNoBackbone

She needs to tell him that she’s not allowed around children or people who have children because of "the restraining order" and then just walk away and it wouldn’t matter even if he repeats that to someone else because clearly he’s crazy and people wouldn’t believe him.  And if he keeps trying to talk to her she needs to say “Mmmm…I can smell children” and then walk off.  Sometimes you have to out-crazy them.

·  Dear Bloggess, I'm a 23 year old gay male. I have been single for a year now after getting out of a horrible and verbally abusive relationship that lasted for 2 years, which was 2 years too long. I have tried dating a few other guys (not all at the same time because I'm not a skanky man whore), but nothing seems to last. One guy told me I was perfect for him, but he didn't have the spark and I offered to light him on fire. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Going straight is not an option because cooter scares me. Do you have any advice to attract the hot gay men? ~Jeff

Jeff, I have no idea but I accidentally attract hot gay men like crazy-cakes.  I think it’s because I can sing the entire score to Wicked and also because I have really bad hair and they always want to fix it.  Maybe fuck up your hair a bit to use it as a trap?  

PS.  Wasn't "Cooter" the deputy on the Dukes of Hazzard?  Why is he scaring you into staying gay?  That seems threatening.  You should never let anyone scare you into being straight *or* gay.  Especially a fictional '70's cop.  Because he doesn't actually exist.

·  Dear The Bloggess, I don't enjoy having sex with my well-endowed and well-motioned spouse. Why is that? He's damn good at it - really, really good to where I could pimp him out and make lots of cash off his talents - and I'm only 30. Could I possibly be frigid? Should I ask my gyn if there may be some chemical imbalance or something? I'm very sure I only have the hots for men. What gives that I can get by happily on sex only three times a month? ~ Lisa

It’s probably your anti-depressants.  They do that to me too sometimes.  You should try drinking more.  Or if you aren’t on anti-depressants your lowered sex drive might be caused by depression.  You should try anti-depressants.  Or maybe a combination of booze and anti-depressants.  Check with your doctor first but I'm pretty sure he'll be with me on this one.

You're going to need your penis

Dear Bloggess, I want your advice. For some reason, you come across as wise to me (or chemically imbalanced in a positive way). I've just moved from a relatively small town (Eugene, OR) to LA (actually Burbank, CA). I'm young (24). I'm a college graduate. I make pretty good money at my job. I'm in good shape (I run marathons, because I'm an asshole that likes to rub my accomplishments in other peoples faces). I think that I'm a handsome guy, but I could be completely wrong on that one (I might be a fugly dude, but I don't think so). I want to start dating, but haven't dated in about five years. It completely terrifies me. I'm not really terrified of the dating part. I'm terrified of being shot down by females, in general Do you have any advice on how I can get back on the market? ~ Gavin

Gavin, you sound like a good guy with bad self-esteem.  My advice to you is to find some great girl and badger her with insults until she feels she has no choice but to be grateful that you are willing to take her, and her broken spirit, and her (now heavy) emotional baggage.  Or you can just realize that you are kind of awesome and get over your fear of rejection and acknowledge that you will get your heart broken a few times until you find that nice girl who loves you for you even if you don’t run marathons anymore and you get all fat.  ‘Cause guess what?  That shit’s happening.   It’s up to you but personally I suggest choice two because the girls in choice one eventually end up cutting your penis off while you sleep.  You’re going to need your penis.

Why are bugs so attracted to me? And is it wrong to teach your cat to eat the bugs? ~ Lillie

Cats are supposed to eat bugs.  Especially june bugs.  My cats go crazy for those fuckers.  I think you have a broken cat.

Dear Bloggess, How do I get rid of my stinky, annoying, hairy friend that is way too self absorbed for her own good? I have tried being mean but she just doesn't get it and I am too nice to just tell her I hate her. ~ Nikki

Oh fuck you, Nikki.  I am not hairy.  Unless you’re not talking about me.  Then my advice is to stab her.  Unless she’s me.  Don’t stab me.  Fuck.  Now I’m all paranoid about being hairy.  And getting stabbed.  You’re dead to me, Nikki.  

Herpes makes you very angry

· Dear Bloggess, I  just don't know about you anymore. You whined and kicked like a three-year-old to get people to come and leave you questions and I did, I took those minutes out of my diminishing supply of life just to do you a solid, and what do I get for it? Bupkiss, that's what. Oh, I forgot, you're from TEXAS, ya'all, where they haven't figured out English OR Spanish yet, so what are the odd of you knowing bupkiss? Jack shit is what I got, to put it in words you'll understand if you ever rouse from your stupor. Well, no thanks to you, I solved my own conundrum (ask an adult, though of course you don't know any, what that means) without bizarre references to stapling midget clown tits to fish or whatever else comes to you when you're stoned on meth. Don't even DREAM of answering my question now. ~ Exasperatron

Dear Exasperatron ~ I apologize.  The answer to your question is “yes”.  That is herpes.  Also, I don’t know why you’re asking me when the doctor has already diagnosed it.  I’m not a medical professional, dude.  Also, stapling tits to clown fish will not help your herpes.  It will kill the fish and is a waste of tits.  Also, I prefer to call them "bosoms" because it’s funnier and less offensive.  Also, you mispelled “y’all” and I don’t know what “bupkiss” is but my spellcheck says it’s a word you just made up.  Probably some sort of hallucinatory side-effect from your untreated herpes.  Please get medical attention, which I think consists of walking on the beach since herpes sufferers are always doing that in their commercials.  I’m sorry, I don’t know much about herpes.  Ask me how to get rid of Chlamydia.  That one I totally know.

· Would it be ethical for me to train babies to battle like gladiators for the merriment of the public? ~ scamps

No.  But it would be awesome.

·  I am a semester and a half away from finishing my geology degree. How much to you charge for scientific papers? Honestly, I don't care if plate tectonics is caused by cyclops or the Tibetans living inside the hollow planet, I just don't have the energy to do it myself anymore. ~ Chocobo

A lot of people are going to tell you that the easiest way to get an A in all these geology classes is to sleep with your professors but those people are wrong because that would make you a slut.  Instead, sleep with the Dean.  That way you only have to sleep with one guy (or girl) for your degree and you’ll have way more spare time that you can now use for studying Geology because technically you’re going to need to know some of it even if you are sleeping with the Dean.  I mean, don’t geologists tell us when earthquakes and tsunamis are coming?   I’m pretty sure you can’t just guess on that shit. Aso, I apologize but I think I need to go back the baby gladiator question because are these babies orphans?  If so I think maybe it’s kind of ethical because remember how the orphans in “Annie” all bonded together over the cruelly opressive Mrs. Hannigan and then in the end they all got adopted by that bald billionaire?  That was awesome.   So I think I just changed my mind. I’m totally in on the baby gladiator thing.

This post is fascinating *and* educational

Dear Bloggess, You did not answer my question about whether enjoying TLC shows about deformed people/mutants makes me a bad person. Please answer at your earliest convenience... or I shall be forced to watch more television shows about terribly short, tall, limbless, faceless, and/or lesion-covered people. ~ Mermanda

Dear Mermanda, When I was in sixth grade I watched that Faces of Death movie where they hit a monkey with a hammer and ate its brain.  I don’t know what that has to do with limbless people but it should make you feel better about yourself since no monkeys die in those TLC shows.  Except that after I wrote this I just looked up Faces of Death on the internet and turns out that whole monkey beating scene was fake.  So basically I think that means I’m better than you.  Except that I totally watch all of those TLC shows too.  Like the one with the two girls that only had one body?  That was kinda fucked-up.  Except if you say “that was fascinating and educational” people will judge you less. 

·  Ok, here goes. I'm a funny, smart, witty and reasonably charming gal. I'm 29, with a college degree, a stable family, promising job and I shower every day (usually). I even take the time to slap on some makeup and make myself look nice when I go out in public. The problem? I'm eternally single. Never had a significant relationship, never had a man tell me he loved me, never lived with anyone. I have tons of friends, a lot are male, and I have no problem connecting with them. What's the deal? Why can't I find a guy who wants me as a woman and not just a friend? Everyone says "be patient, just be social and be yourself," blah blah blah. Well fuck that! It hasn't worked and I'm pushing 30. This is getting ridiculous. I'm not asking for a proposal, I just want someone to regularly cuddle with that doesn't purr or have whiskers. I'm toeing some serious cat-lady waters. ~  Lindsay

Okay, someone has to be the crazy cat lady but that doesn’t mean it has to be you.  29 is the new 22 so you’re still totally fine.   Plus, all the guys who got married when you actually were 22 are now going throught their first divorce so they are back on the market.  But now it’s a market filled with broken, recently divorced men so be careful.  Maybe get a dog. 

Dear Bloggess: My horoscope keeps saying stuff like, "And you might want to start giving a little thought to looking into some new career opportunities for yourself," and "You should just make sure that you take advantage of any positive new job opportunities that could be available to you right now." I personally think horoscopes are bullshit, but I'm starting to get a little weirded out by how persistent they are this month. Am I getting fired, or what? Thanks bye. ~ Shelley

Okay, I just went to get my online horoscope so I could prove to you how totally wrong they always are and mine says “There's not a whole lot going on under the surface today -- at least, not as far as you're concerned!”  What the fuck does that mean?  I’m pretty sure they just called me shallow.  Those people are assholes, Shelley.   

Words that will get you banned

· I asked a question last night and today it is gone? Was it deleted because I used the "A" word and the "S" word? ???? OR for some other reason I am unaware of??? ~  Laura

I don’t ever delete comments and I’m cool with pretty much every word in the world except for “fustrated”.  “Fustrated” will get you banned.  “Flustrated” gets you a warning.  "Libary" takes 10 points from Gryffindor and using a different number of question marks for each question gets you a weird look from me.  I’m glad we could clear this up.

· I think you are the voice inside my head ... so I will shut up now because I think I am talking to myself. ~  CarrieJ

I can’t just be a voice because right now I’m itchy so I must have a body.  But you might be a voice in my head.  Quick – check the refrigerator.  Is there pizza in there?  If so we are probably the same person.

· Dear Bloggess, My ex-hubby owes me big time for all the abuse he put me through over the many years we were married. He has a small penis and an even smaller brain. His nose is big and keeps getting in my personal business. Which should I cut off first, his tiny penis or his big ass nose? ~ HeOwesMe

I get that he owes you but what are you going to do with a dismembered penis or nose?  Nothing, that’s what.  Instead, break into his house and steal from him.  You can pawn a stolen VCR.  You can’t pawn a ripped-off penis.  These are the rules of pawn shops.

I swear to God I don't pick these subjects, y'all.

·  Dear Jenny, There was this girl I went to high school with. I had nothing of any consequence to do with her, but I knew who she was and a couple of years later in college I met a guy who was dating her. He was all like, 'Oh, you know this girl?' Then before I could answer he started calling her a cock teaser and said if she didn't put out he was going to rape her. I thought that was fucked up and I said so, and it kept nagging at me so much I tried to find a way to warn her. She wasn't listed in the campus phone directory nor any other directory that I could find in those dark days before Google. I called and asked around. No luck. Long story short, twenty plus years later I ran across her on the Internet. Would it be as creepy as I think it would be to drop her an email and ask if anything happened? I think I mostly want to know how guilty to feel for not trying harder. Yours without Christ, ~ M R Mild

Okay, first of all, you are not allowed to look up someone on the internet to ask if they got raped 20 years ago.  That’s bad netiquette.  Secondly, you do not control the world or rapists.  No one does.  Not even God.  So if God doesn’t feel guilty about the rapes that may or may not have happened in the world I don’t think you should either.  You tried your best, sweetness.  Time to move on.

·  Sweet Jesus, do I HAVE to Facebook friend all these people from high school that suddenly crawled out of that tidy box I've put them in? Granted, our twenty-year reunion is this summer, but I NEVER expected them all to be back like a bad stain.  ~ daysgoby

If the question above is any indicator they probably just want to ask you if you were raped.  I suggest just putting it on your facebook status so they don't ask.  Like, “NOT RAPED” or something like that.  Mine’s going to say: "ONLY LIGHTLY MOLESTED BUT I’VE HAD A LOT OF THERAPY AND THE GUY IS DEAD NOW ANYWAY SO NO WORRIES BUT THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN AND MAYBE WE COULD CHANGE THE SUBJECT BECAUSE THIS IS KIND OF AN UNFORTUNATE TOPIC, RIGHT?”.  Unless there’s a character limit on Facebook and then I’ll just put “NOT RAPED” for brevity sake.

·  Dear Dr. Jenny, There is a heifer cow at my job that has repeatedly stabbed me in the back. I'm getting annoyed and want to hurt her. How can I continue to come to work everyday without committing a crime? Oh for shit's sake, why am I asking you how not to committ a crime? I need help. ~ IrreverentCoach

My mom always used to say “Burn me once?  Shame on you.  Burn me twice?  Shame on me.  Stab me in the back three times?  I am going to cook your fucking cat in your oven”.  I actually added that last part but I’m pretty sure that’s where she was going with that.

 ********

Hey, do you have a question for me?  Preferably one that doesn’t have to do with rape and/or molestation?  Leave it in the comments, people.  Also, if you’ve already asked a question that I haven’t answered it’s probably just because I’ve answered it but just haven’t published it yet, or possibly that you are a lost cause.  Probably the first one though because God doesn’t make mistakes.  That’s what I always tell people who are lost causes.  

First, pretend you've been seeing a lot of tarantulas around

·  Dear Bloggess - I am dating a new guy. I told him about your website and that you are HILARIOUS and told him to read it. He doesn't find you funny. I took this personally and I tried to end things because of his lack of taste and he said I was being irrational and unreasonable. My friends also think that my allegiance to a total stranger may be causing me to miss out on a good man. What should I do? ~  Elle

My husband reads my blogs and he doesn’t think they’re very funny either. But he’s still a very good husband.  So my advice to you is to marry that guy.  Unless he actually is my husband.  Does he have curly brown hair and a giant kung fu tattoo on his back?  If so, please stab him in the left hand and if he comes home stabbed I’ll know he was cheating on me with you and then I’ll stab him in the right hand so that you’ll know you stabbed the correct guy.  If he doesn’t come home stabbed again then it’s not the same guy and you can feel free to marry him except you might go to jail for the stabbing so if I were you I’d tell him you saw a giant tarantula on his hand and that’s why you stabbed him.  If anything he should be thanking you.   

· I am in love with my best friend. He is also my husband's best friend. Please make me laugh about this. because it is so hilarious. and textbooksoapoperastupid. ~ sylvia p

DO NOT sleep with your best friend who is also your husband’s best friend because first of all I think that’s incest.  Also because you have a husband.  Also, I just looked up “incest” in the dictionary and I think you’re clear on that one.  Unless your husband’s best friend is also your cousin.  Or a dog.  That’s not incest but it’s still inappropriate.  Why do people keep asking me about sleeping with dogs?  I’m getting a little icked out over here. 

·  Dear Helpful Jenny, If I keep my pants in the freezer, will they last longer like my steaks? My pants do not stay fresh as long as I would like. I find fresh pants to be the most welcoming thing. ~ Laverne Smoot

Dear Laverne Smoot, I’m kind of speechless but this question is far too awesome not to print.  Also, I totally want to put my pants in the freezer now.

The great tragedy of horses

 ·  Dear Bloggess, what is the best way to "talk dirty" in the bedroom? ~ Dawn

I find that “Oh my God, you are HUGE” is always appreciated.  Unless you are saying it to a woman.  Then you are going to get knifed.

·  How about some advice for delicately removing someone from your circle of friends? ~ Jewels

There is no way to delicately remove someone from your circle of friends without looking like a snobby bitch so instead you should find a way to get that person to leave of their own volition.  I suggest sleeping with their husband and then leaving your monogrammed underpants in her bed.  Then spray paint “I DON’T LIKE YOU SHELLY” on her wall.  Then when she stops hanging out with you you can be all “I don’t know what her problem is.  Snobby bitch.”  Also, stay the fuck away from my husband.

·  Do you think horses really want to wear the latest Nike shoes? Or are they happy with their current shoes? Cos I mean seriously, technology in shoes has moved forward massively in the last hundred years. ~ Claire Smith

I think if horses had a choice they wouldn’t wear shoes at all.  That’s why when you get home the first thing you take off is your shoes.  But horses never get to take off their shoes.  That is the great tragedy of horses.

·  How do you make teenagers your little minions since they don’t listen anyway to you.

~Tonya cinnamon

Teenagers always listen to me.  Perhaps you’re just not trying hard enough to open the lines of communication.  Or you’re buying them the wrong type of booze.  They like schnapps.

How to fake a fatal disease to get people to leave you alone

 ·  Dear Bloggess, I will be officially jobless as of Thursday. I enjoy staying home and doing household chores/gardening/etc. and I think we can make it financially if I choose to do this. My problem? We don't have any kids and I never graduated from college, so are people going to think it is super strange that I'm a stay-at-home-wife? Should I just take some classes at the community college so I can just say I'm "in school"? Why do I feel the need to justify my choice to all of these people? ~ Kate

Dear Kate, Tell everyone that you’re an heiress but you like to keep yourself grounded and that’s why you live amongst the “little people”.  And pat their heads when you say that.  Or say you’re in the Witness Protection Plan and that the only thing you were really good at was killing people, and then sigh longlingly.  Or tell them that you decided to use the next year doing what makes you happy “since life is so fragile” and insinuate that you have some kind of fatal disease so they won’t question you.  And then next year act like it’s a miracle you’re still alive and say that owe it all to God and vow to enjoy “what little time you have left” and just keep doing that until they all die.

·  Dear Bloggess, My boyfriend was just diagnosed with BPH. What is BPH? I have no idea. All I know is it's the reason he hasn't done me properly in like half a year. I know it's a medical condition and all, but I'm kind of a jerk and would prefer to actually have fun time rather than deal with his non-functioning prostate. Also, he's nearly 30 and I'm 24, so I think it's probably part of the whole "he's old and boys reach their sexual peak at 15 and it's all downhill from there" thing. So my question is this - do I stick around and behave or take this as a sign that we weren't meant to be and find a younger boyfriend with a less BPH-ed prostate? (I already tried to find an answer to this by looking at Ann Landers, Dear Abby, and Miss Manners archives, but surprisingly enough, none of them ever answer questions about boyfriends' prostates.) ~ AwfulGirlfriend

Okay, I looked up BHP on wikipedia and basically it just makes you pee more often so if he’s having a problem getting it up it might be another problem.  I’m not blaming you directly but it’s probably your fault.  Crap.  I’m sorry.  That was not necessary and not true.  It’s just that “nearly 30” is not “old”, whore.  Shit.  I did not mean to call you a whore.  You are awesome and you probably just need some sex toys.  And also to be forced to read this question again when you turn 35.

· Dear Bloggess: Every work day, I wake up screaming the F word. Is this normal? ~ Sbob

Which F word?  Is it “Phalanx”?  Because you’re spelling it wrong.  It’s spelled with a p.  I get that one wrong all the time too.

·  Ninjas vs Octopi.... Who wins? ~ Konrad

No one wins, Konrad.  No one wins.

When it's appropriate to set fire to other people's houses

·  Dear Bloggess: Guy A: Tall, sweet, sexy, we now have history, and from what I can see, he's emotionally unavailable. Guy B: Tall, sweet, sexy, romantic, emotionally available, but not sure as it's too new to know where it's going. Obviously, the reason I don't ditch Guy A for being emotionally unavailable is because I still really like him and our history ties us together. So ... from experience, we girls know that hanging on to our Guy A types only leads to heartbreak. So how do we let go? Besides making him disappear by cutting his brake lines or something equally accidental? ~ Rosa

Rosa, You are sabotaging yourself by making yourself unavailable for love by investing your time in the emotionally unavailable Guy A, who is emotionally unavailable because he’s married.  I know...you’ve been to his house and he lives alone.  That was his friends house.  That’s why all the pictures were of some other guy and his dog.  Set his friends house on fire to spiritually break the ties forever.

· How to I get rid of people that are overly religious and want me to go to church with them? I am a druid or something. ~ troutay 

Tell them you’ll go to church with them if they go to church with you.  And that your church is in the parking lot of their church.  And that you both have to be naked for God to hear your prayers and if they balk be all “Fine.    I guess you don’t love God then.”  And then when they’re all “Of course I do, I just show it in a different way!” say “Fine.  I will be tolerant and got to your worship service even though you won’t go to mine.  I will be naked though.”  Then suddenly they probably won’t care as much.

·  What to do if I want sex 20 times per month, but my husband is perfectly happy with 4-12 times per month, and will never want sex 20 times per month ever? ~ Manamana

Trick question.  Married people don’t have sex 20 times a month.  It’s in our manual.  

My good advice for the week: Don't snort insecticide

·   Dear Blogges, My mom is religious. I am not. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? ~ Swistle 

Dear Swistle, Just lie about it.  When your mom is all “Isn’t God awesome?” be like “HELL YEAH HE IS!  I’m going home to pray right now!”  And then just go home and watch 'MythBusters'.  But if it turns out that there is a God you’re kind of fucked so maybe pray on the drive home just in case.

·  Dear Jenny, the Bloggess: What's the best way to manipulate people into helping you without actually asking them to help you? I don't want to look needy or anything. Ideas? ~ Kelley

Cry loudly in front of them like you just lost your dog and when they ask what’s wrong be too upset to actually verbalize what’s wrong and then they’ll eventually give you money just to get away.  Don’t thank them though because then they’ll realize you were faking it.  Just let the money fall out of your hands like you’re too distraught to even have muscle control and then they’ll put a big wad of cash in your shirt pocket.  I’m assuming you want money, and not someone to help you do your taxes or something, because this won’t work for that at all.

·  I think an ant just crawled up my nose. What should I do? ~ Sabrina

You know that children’s poem about the old woman who swallowed a fly and then a spider and then a cheetah or something?  She died in the end but probably from the cheetah.  I think the moral of that story is to not snort ant-eaters or insecticide.   Also, I called my mom on this one and she says “Meh.  It’s protein”.  And she used to be a dental assistant so I think she knows what she’s talking about.

·  Spaghetti makes me nervous. Any idea how to deal with that shit? ~ Nena

 Dear Nena, I honestly have no idea how to respond to this.

·  WTF? That should read: SPAHGETTI makes me nervous. ~ Nena

Oh.  Now I understand.  Yeah.  No, that’s totally normal.

How to get girls to want you to sign their boobs

· Dear Bloggess, How to you explain to your friend, that the brother she's setting you up with, is so obviously gay. I mean he didn't even look down my shirt. WTF? ~ Sid

Wait, do you mean it’s *her* brother or are you saying “the brother” like he’s a black dude?  Because if it’s some random friend of hers you can totally be all “Uh, that guy’s gay” but if it’s her real-life brother you probably can’t say that.  Instead, make up this whole story about how you and her brother already went out and he was so hot for you and banged you all night long and say it in front of both of them and then he’ll be all “No way!  I’m gay!” and then the ice is broken and he can live his life in the open.  Except your name is Sid and isn’t that a guy’s name?  Is it possible that your friend realizes that her brother and/or random-black-dude is gay but thinks you are a guy?  This question gave me a headache.  Next time, be more specific.

· Dear Bloggess, As an author I'm forced to sit next too assholes at book signings. These pompous pricks feel the need to vomit sageless advice in my direction sullying my clothes and a moment in life where I should be enjoying myself. I'm signing my name on a book I wrote isn't that supposed to be cool not annoying? Seems there are these authors roaming the world that think once they publish one book this gives them access to the be a douche section in life. This usually entails some assmunch telling me how unsuccessful I'll be as an author unless I do everything they've done never mind the obvious fact I'm somewhat successful if my book is sitting on the table next to theirs duh. Next month I have another signing and I'm dreading the event as opposed to being excited. Oh Bloggess in your infinite wisdom should I sit there smile and nod as these flaccid phallics shoot their corrupt load all over me or should I give them a golden shower of justly deserved scorn with a side order of shut the fuck up? ~ Jason Jeffery

Whenever I see people doing book signings I always look the other way because it feels awkward and kind of forced even if I wanted the book because I feel all fan-girly, but if I saw an author stand up and verbally pummel another author and then sit down and start calmly signing books again I would totally be “Sign my boobs, dude”.

I might buy their book too but no promises.

·  I think my girlfriend is really, REALLY bored with me after six years together. She has another boyfriend; what tips can you give me on finding another girlfriend? ~ Tim Thraeryn

Tim, ask yourself this:  "Do I love this girl?"  "Do I spend a lot of time watching her from the bushes?"  "Is there a reason I’m not legally allowed within 200 feet of her?"  If you answered “Yes” to two or more questions you are probably not her boyfriend.  You’re a dangerous stalker.  Luckily, we women are always falling for guys just like you.  You’re gonna be fine.  

Drugs, murder, masturbation and sex with bears. The usual.

·  Dear Bloggess, My shrink told me that i am sadistic. Apparently that's where my sarcasm comes from and all of my mean hurty thoughts. He wants to work on that. But I think being sadistic and having evil thoughts is super funny (which is apparently what defines me as sadistic). If I lose the sadistic sarcastic me, will I become a sticky sweet born again bore? If I keep my witty yet mean sadistic side, will my kid go to hell?  -Judy

Dear Judy.  I totally have that problem too.  When I take too many meds I’m normal but zombie-like and when I don’t take enough I think the cats are controlling my destiny (totally not a joke, sadly) so I meet in the middle and take just enough drugs to keep me rational yet still interesting.  For me that’s zoloft with a double xanax chaser.  For Hunter S. Thompson it was 19 uppers and a horse tranquilizer.  I guess what I’m trying to say is "find your balance".  Also, don’t kill yourself.  And don’t get caught with horse tranquilizers because those things are illegal.  Unless you’re a horse.  Then it’s cool because it’s not like a horse could give himself a tranquilizer.  No opposable thumbs.  Clearly he was drugged, not of his own volition.  The horse is the victim here.  I hope you also have ADD in addition to sadism because this stopped being rational seven sentences ago.  And this is what happens when my medications are off.

·  I found Playboy magazines and an empty container of vaseline in my husband's sock drawer. Should I be alarmed? ~ Laura

Yes. Obviously your husband is too lazy to get a new bottle of vaseline. Masturbating without lubrication can lead to painful calluses which look a lot like herpes and if your husband sees what suddenly looks like herpes then he’ll assume you are cheating and will probably stab you while you are sleeping.  If I were you I’d replace the empty vaseline bottle with a giant tube of astroglide and a note that says “Howard, your laziness is going to get me murdered one day.”  He will totally understand.

·  Does having oral sex make me as slutty as regular sex? ~ 22Tango

Depends.  Oral sex is awesome and not slutty at all if you are doing it safely with a committed partner.  Regular sex is dangerous and illegal if you are doing it with an unwilling bear.  Bottom line?  Stop having sex with bears.  This is probably the best advice I've ever given in the entire time I've written this advice column.

Note: "Stop having sex with bears".  That needs to be on a t-shirt.  Or screamed over the intercom at WalMart.  Also, I need more questions, people.  Nothing mathy, please. 

How to throw away a garbage can

Hi Bloggess, I need your advice. I have a garbage can, the one that goes out to the street to meet the garbage truck twice a week, that is all old and broken and has itself become garbage. How does one throw away a garbage can?  I suppose I could get up when I hear the garbage truck and run into the street in my night clothes like a lunatic and try to tell them that this is actually garbage. I just don't forsee that happening. I suppose the other option would be to chop it up into little tiny pieces and then throw it away, but I'm not a serial killer and don't have time for this task. Any suggestions would be more than welcomed. ~ Cheryl

Dear Cheryl, This actually happened to me too.  I wrote “I ASSURE YOU, THIS IS ACTUALLY TRASH.” but the trash guys would always leave it and Victor said that our trash contract stipulated that everything had to be placed in trash sacks to get picked up so I took 12 trash sacks and duct taped them around the trash can like I was wrapping a big present and then I made a big trash-sack bow and put it on top because I thought it would be funny and Victor yelled at me for wasting trash sacks but it was totally worth it because I put it out late on Friday night and before the garbage collectors showed up on the next morning someone had stolen it.  I can only assume they believed they were stealing some sort of unfortunately wrapped present.  Merry Christmas, assholes.

Dear Bloggess, I have a problem and I think you're the only one who can help me. Last night I picked up this cute girl in a bar and brought her back to my place. When we got here, she threw up on my cat and then passed out in the foyer. When she came to, she didn't know where she was, freaked out and stabbed my then-vomit-scented cat with a swizzle stick. Eventually, I managed to get her sobered up enough to shovel her into a cab and send her home. I took the cat to the vet, where they stitched her up and cleaned the biggest chunks of vomit out of her fur. She's wearing one of those neck cone things now and hates it. My question is this: Do you know where I left my reading glasses? I haven't seen them in days. Also: Did you get home OK? ~ Steve

Steve: First of all, that wasn’t a bar.  It was a library.  Secondly, that wasn’t “your place”.  It was the women’s bathroom.  I’m sorry if your cat got stabbed but maybe next time you assault someone in a public toilet you’ll think twice about bringing your cat.  Also, why would I have a swizzle stick at the library?  Those were reading glasses.  Check in the cat.

Why does this hurt? ~ Heydave

It’s infected.  Stop touching it.

Dwarves, morgues, assholes and hymens

·  Dear The Bloggess:  There are zombies, lurking in the basement of our local hospital and when I uploaded the photos I had taken of them, I discovered that I had accidentally photographed a UFO as well *SIGH* It never rains but it pours. Cheers, Kim

At the hospital that I used to work at, the cafeteria was in the basement, right next to the morgue.  Every time I saw a cafeteria worker pushing a covered cart I always assumed it was actually a morgue worker pushing a body but in disguise so it wouldn’t freak out all the patients.  One of my coworkers was all “Those trays are tiny, dude.  You couldn’t fit a whole body on there” and I’m all “Well, maybe they do it in pieces.  Or maybe it’s a dwarf.  Dwarves die too, you know”.  I forgot what your question was but yes, morgues are totally creepy and dwarves are not immortal.

·  Ok, here's one for you... I dated a guy last year who broke up with me. Twice. Now he's shown up again. He says that the reason he hasn't been able to stay in a relationship in the past is because he suffers from erectile dysfunction (boy does he ever), and the stress and frustration involved make him bolt. He says he wants to try again, this time while getting therapy/counseling/prescriptions, etc. Should I chance it? Looking forward to your advice! ~ Tango.Morin

So he broke up with you twice and he can’t get it up and he needs therapy.  Wow.  How is this guy not already taken?  You should totally take him back so he can stab your sister and cheat on you with your brother.

·  I think I just coined a new word, but I am not sure and I knew that you would be able to help me. The word is "hymenate" which means "to restore the semblance of virginity." I really have no use for such a word, I doubt that I will ever use it conversationally, I also doubt that anyone else would ever have reason to speak it or write it and I do not know why I made it up since virgins are one of my least favorite classes. I mean I like them all right, but they're not good for much when it comes to fleshalism. ----THERE!---I did it again!! "Fleshalism." Heh. "The action of sexualizers" = "fleshalism." Sexualizers!!" Another one!!! I don't need no stinking Webster's... ....do I? I guess that's my question: do I? ~ RDC

Negatory.  Making up words is good for the world.  Like last week I made up the word "juggernaut" and now it's totally being used by fucking everyone.  Except they're totally using it wrong.  It means "Astronaut-Juggler".  It's pretty obvious when you think about it.

Some of my best friends are whores

My neighbors are all 1950s-gather-in-the-evenings-and-socialize people. Every day from 3:00 to 8:00 they gather in their front yards and GOSSIP and BLATHER and blah blah blah. This is a problem, because during that time I like to leave the house to pick up dinner from some fast food joint. (I'm stimulating the economy.) EVERY TIME I walk out, they attack like vultures. "Whatcha doin? Where ya goin? What's with the pajamas? When was the last time you brushed your hair, exactly?" Look, all I want is to sneak out of the house to get to a drive thru where no one will notice that I don't have a bra on. But with the Inquisition gathered outside, I can't. I am trapped in my home, starving. What can I do? I can't be rude to the neighbors, because on the weekends they share their beer. I need advice, but not advice that includes: A) getting out of my pjs, 2) brushing my hair, c.) cooking a real dinner, or IIII) wearing a bra. I need REALISTIC advice. Please halp! ~ Amanda

Dear amanda, Tell them that you are an OB/Gyn and when you get called to deliver a baby you have to go and not stop for small talk and those aren’t pajamas, they’re scrubs and why don’t you people get to work because I HAVE TO GO CREATE LIFE AND YOU’RE JUST STANDING AROUND GOSSIPING ABOUT LAWN CARE.  And then when you come back with Taco Bell ten minutes later just yell “FALSE ALARM!  SHE WASN’T EVEN PREGNANT.  GOTTA GO WAIT BY THE PHONE IN CASE SOME REAL BABIES NEED ME”.  You need to yell it really loud so they’ll be too intimidated to ask you any follow-up questions.  That’s why I yell all the time.

Dear Bloggess, I have a bit of a situation on my hands. My boyfriends wants to get married and make babies. I am 23 and a ballerina, so I want to put off baby-making a couple more years so I can get the most out of my career. How can I help Mr. Butterfly understand the concept of "Ballet first, humans coming out of my vagina later?" ~ MButterfly

Dear M Butterfly:  Wow.  That’s…kinda fucked up.  So your boyfriends want to impregnate you and you need me to convince your husband that your ballet career comes first, and then getting all those human boyfriends out of your vagina comes later?  I don’t really understand your question but you should probably be on the pill and also use condoms just in case. 

 MButterfly again. I meant to say "boyfriend" but I had a liquid lunch so I'm drunk and I accidentally wrote "boyfriends." I wanted to let everyone know that I am not a whore and I only have one boyfriend. The end. ~ MButterfly

Let me assure you that we don’t make any judgments here at 'Ask the Bloggess', whore.  But I’m sure your husband will be very relieved to hear you only have one boyfriend.  You should probably still use condoms though.

I have a question. How come every site I have been on has word or letter confirmations but on this site you have to answer: What picture is this? Well I call it a Mug, but other people may call it a cup....so now I have the pressure of getting it wrong and ruining my post. Why does this site have to be different from the TRILLION other sites out there? Well here goes. Wait I better copy this in case I guess wrong. ~ Risley

Dear Risley.  I have no fucking idea.  But I think it’s a cup. 

This lady has a magical vagina

·  Dear Bloggess, I am so glad you are here to help with some straight-to-the-point advice. Here is my question: What does sleeping on the first date say about a woman? The last two men I slept with on the first date ended up being long-term relationships, 5 yrs each. I just met someone and I don't know what he might think. ~ Violet

Sleeping with a guy on the first date means different things depending on the circumstances.  Sometimes it means you're slutty, sometimes it means you’re impetuous, sometimes it means you are a prostitute and in that case you shouldn’t call it a "date" because then you can’t claim dinner on your taxes.  Seems like with you, sex on the first date is some sort of binding contract and your vagina has magical powers.  Basically I’d be very careful about sleeping with someone on the first date just in case you have a magically binding vagina.  Just my opinion.