Do ravines still exist? Or are they just called ditches now?

·    Dear Bloggess: Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? Just a thought....because I think about these things.... ~ Brielle

If by “animal crackers” you mean those cookies shaped like animals, then yes, they eat them.  If by “animal crackers” you mean like peanut butter crackers but with crushed animals in them instead of peanut butter, then no.  No one eats those.  Because they don’t exist.

·    Dear Bloggess, My boyfriend lives 2 hours away in the summer. We're both working all the time, so it's hard to see each other more than once every other week or so. We keep contact through texts and phone calls. However, as the summer's ending, our work schedules are increasing, so I haven't seen him in a month. And over the past few days, he's gone from talking to me to explicitly ignoring me. There are may obvious options but speculating is only going to make me feel horrible. What's going on? Why is he ignoring me? ~ D.C

I know that your first thought is that he’s found someone else but there are many other less horrible reasons that he hasn’t called.  Like maybe he’s trapped in a ravine.  Or has been eaten by bears.  Also, I’m sorry your boyfriend was eaten by bears but that’s the sort of thing that happens when you get trapped in a ravine.  At least he wasn’t cheating on you though.  Unless he was.  In which case he totally deserved to eaten by bears and probably subconsciously got trapped in a ravine on purpose out of guilt.  I think this problem just solved itself and-OMG, hang on!  What’s pâté?  It’s crushed animals that you put on crackers, isn’t it?  Shit.  I think I just fucked up that last question.  God, I’m really, really terrible at this.  

This font is not Comic Sans

·    Dear Bloggess, I used to have a friend who began acting like a complete jackass and thus our friendship ended. Now she seems to harbor this intense hatred for me and I can't figure out what I did to warrant such vitriol. (hold on just a second, while I look up this word to make sure I'm using it properly...) (Ok, it means sulfuric acid, but I think that's appropriate so...) Anyway, she badmouths me to all our mutual friends, spreads vicious lies about me, and so forth. Quite frankly I'm sick of it! I haven't done anything to her, but I'm about to unless you have a better plan... ~ Aggravated enemy

My grandmother always used to say “living well is the best revenge” but I suspect that’s just because she’d never considered arson.  But I have and let me tell you, it’s never as awesome as you suspect it’s going to be and you occasionally end up with no eyebrows.  Plus, bitchy people never change as a result of revenge so you just end up wasting time and butane.  Honestly, the best thing to do is just ignore the crazy and get on with your life.  Which is basically what my grandmother was saying, now that I think about it.  “Living well is the best revenge” is kind of grandma-code for “Maybe you should stop focusing on the bastards and instead spend that time learning to be a professional BMX biker because those assholes are never going to change, Jenny.”  My grandmother gave awesome advice.

·    Dear Bloggess:  I want to know how you got your little girl reading chapter books??? Mine is so intimidated by reading, which makes me sad and frustrated, which doesn't help the whole thing. AT. ALL. ~ theharmonjournal

We read a lot in the house and she picks up on that and if she doesn’t we beat her.  KIDDING.  I’m kidding.  She’s just naturally good at reading and I encourage it by letting her stay up an extra half hour if she spends that time reading.  You can encourage your kids by reading to them and making them enjoy stories but deep down kids are just like adults.  They kick ass at some stuff and totally suck at others.  Hailey is an awesome reader but she’s a terrible window washer.  Also, she cannot mix a cocktail at all because she doesn’t understand fractions.  And also because she’s five and you’re not supposed to teach five-year-olds to mix cocktails.  My point though is that you can do things to encourage your kid to read but it’ll probably make you both much less frustrated if you find something that she naturally excels at and focus on that.  Like, maybe your kid is awesome at fractions and knows that ½ cup of amaretto means “one half of a cup” and not “one cup of amaretto and then 2 cups of amaretto”.  Which?  Actually sounds pretty good, now that I think about it.  Huh.  Maybe not knowing fractions is fine.  I forgot what this question was about.

What to do when Jesus talks to you

·    Dear Bloggess, So I've been on this whole trying to be a better Christian thing lately and I've hit a wall. I realized that if Jesus came down from Heaven and told me to leave my children to follow him I totally would NOT do it. So, because I'm a good mom and refuse to abandon my babies, am I going to hell? ~ Katie

Statistically speaking, if you see Jesus and he asks you to do something crazy that’s probably less of a “religious vision” and more of a “tumor pressing on your brain”.  Besides, Jesus would never ask you to desert your kids.  God might though.  God’s kind of a wild card on that stuff.  But the good thing is that he has Jesus up there to calm him down.  Like, remember on Dennis the Menace how Mr. Wilson was basically a good guy except that he got really pissed off easily and Mrs. Wilson would always be the cool-headed one who quietly got Dennis to stop being such a douche and always made Mr. Wilson calm down and not murder Dennis?  Basically God is Mr. Wilson and Jesus is Mrs. Wilson and we’re Dennis.  So pretty much we can be horrible fuck-ups as long as it’s unintentional and well-meaning and Mrs. Wilson will totally have our backs, but if we suddenly move from digging up all Mr. Wilson’s prize petunias to setting fire to everyone’s garages Mrs. Wilson is probably going to be all “Okay, you know what?  I’m calling the cops”.  I don’t know who the cops are in this analogy.  Maybe the devil?  I’m not good at analogies.  My point here though is that if you think Jesus is saying anything to you that seems dangerous to your children you shouldn’t worry about it because you probably just have brain cancer.

·    Dear Bloggess, How many restraining orders do you actually have? And from what? ~ Amanda

Surprisingly, I don’t have any.  Probably because people underestimate me.  Unless you’re asking how many restraining orders I’ve taken out on other people.  Then the answer is still none because most of the people who would want to stalk me have the same social anxiety disorder that I do so they never leave the house.  Sometimes mental illness is a good thing.

This is *BULLSHIT*.

·    Dear bloggess: Every time I’m on twitter I see people talking about the latest “INTERNET DRAMA” but they won’t say exactly what it is and so I end up feeling like I’m eavesdropping on a public conversation that I can’t weigh in on.  Is there a website or something that tracks all this so I don’t feel like I’m left out of the conversation? ~ Gerta

I don’t think so but I’ve been blogging long enough that can boil the whole thing down for you even without knowing the details.  Jane writes something judgmental about Jake.  Everyone attacks Jake.  Jake defends himself and slanders Jane with screenshots of her own horribleness.  Jane freaks out and begins writing cryptic hashtagged tweets about Jake.  Jane’s twitter followers begin retweeting them, not knowing that they are about Jake, who they also follow.  Jake gets mad at the retweeters and yells at them.  Half the retweeters get mad at Jane because now they feel used.  The other half gets mad at Jake for yelling at them.  Jermaine writes a post about how shitty Jane is being to Jake.  Jill writes a post about how Jermaine needs to mind his own damn business and stop asserting himself in the drama.  Jake accuses Jill of link-baiting.  Jessica falls down a well and no one realizes it because they’re all to busy trying to figure out which side to be on.  Jane apologizes to Jake.  Jake becomes Jane’s best friend.  All of Jake and Jane’s followers hate them now because they’ve spent the last week screaming at each other over a fight which (Jermaine is now pointing out) was probably just set up to get traffic to Jane and Jake so that they could make an extra seven dollars in ad revenue that month.  Everyone yells at Jermaine for implying that they’re too stupid to figure that out for themselves.  Jewel writes a post about this being a learning experience for the internets and creates a badge for people to use to show their support in “just being nice from now on”.  No one uses the badge.  Jewel writes another post calling everyone out for being unsupportive, badgeless assholes.  Thirty-nine people blog about Jewel’s hypocrisy.  Jewel writes 35 tweets threatening to quit blogging.  No one cares.  Jessica decides to just live in the well because clearly no one is ever coming for her.  And that’s basically it in a nutshell.  That’s why you really don’t need to know what’s going on regarding internet drama because it’s kind of a cycle that resolves itself eventually and really the best thing to do is just stay quiet and avoid any sudden movements or else you’ll probably get shit flung on you.   If you really feel left out then you can always leave a cryptic tweet that doesn’t align yourself with anyone in particular because everyone reading it will assume you agree with them anyway.  I suggest something like the standard “THIS IS BULLSHIT.”  It’s like a pair of shoes that go with everything.  I honestly can’t recommend it enough.

Cyberbullies are dicks.

·    Dear Bloggess, I love your blog, I'm always trying to think of cool questions to ask you & what crazy things you'll come up with. If you were to write a question to yourself, what would it be? What kind of reply would you give for your own question? ----curiously yours K-JO

 I would ask myself where all the brownies went to and then I’d be all “I ate them” and then I’d be like “ALL OF THEM?  You ate 10 brownies in 2 days?” and I’d be like “YOU WERE THERE.  WHY ARE YOU ACTING SO SURPRISED?” and I’d be like “BUT I WANT BROWNIES NOW” and I’d be all “WELL, SO DO I, ASSHOLE” and then I’d tell myself to go buy more brownies but then I totally wouldn’t do it because I’d still be mad that I called myself asshole.  Myself is an asshole.  That’s who the asshole is.  Oh my God, I have a headache now.

·    Dear bloggess: I'm planning a wedding (and by the way - wedding planning sucks SO hard).  Anyhow, part of my family can't come to the event, and so I'm hanging out with them a few weeks later - reunion style, because that would be cool.  My mother the raging lunatic finds this out and sends me the most awful, misguided email about how that side of the family is full of dark secrets and how it's so "dangerous" to hang out with them.  It's a spiteful email filled with things I already know coated in an evil lunatic spin.  We get into it, via email, which is never a good idea.  It disobeys the cardinal rule about not feeding trolls on the internet.  Finally, Captain Batshit (mi madre) insults me, to which I have a snappy reply, followed with her telling me that we will "make nice" until the wedding and then go our separate ways.  At that point, is it even worth it for her to come?  It's like going to a Rolling Stone concert now, just to say you were there (I did that, they weren't very good).  Is it better to have batshit-fucking-insane family or to do your own thing without the aid of obviously nutso relatives?  I realize it's my mom, but this is a recurring and deep-seated issue that she seems to have.  OBVIOUSLY I can't stab her.  ~ drunky smurf.    ¯\(°.o)/¯

I agree that stabbing isn’t an option, mostly because her crazy might leak out all over you.  Your mother sounds like a total lunatic and at this point there isn’t much you can do with her except to realize that she is nuts and that her bizarre issues have nothing to do with you.  I suggest lithium.  For her.  Or for you when you have to deal with her. Any mom that would disown her daughter for talking to family members probably isn’t a mother worth having.  Unless the other side of the family that she wants you to avoid is the Manson family and they want you to help them escape from jail so you can go on a violent crime spree with them.  Then I think your mom’s probably got a point. 

·    Dear bloggess. Ok, so there's this horrible girl at my school, and I don't like her very much. She has this way of whenever she's around me, she feels the need to make me feel awful about myself. Anyway, she has a blog. (It's kind of awful. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I'm trying to paint the picture) She mentioned me in her blog by my full name (which in itself is bad enough because she's giving my information without my consent) and she also said some pretty horrid things about me. She claims it was all in good fun but it really hurt me and when I asked her to take my name off, she just started being awful about and giving me a really hard time about it. What do you think I should do? Both about stopping her being horrid and about getting her to take my name out of the post. Thankyou so much. :) Ophelia x

Ophelia, most of the time cyber-bullies are created because they’re bullied themselves.  Or sometimes they’re just insufferable assholes.  Hard to tell.  Regardless, if you’re being harassed or threatened you can call your local police to get help.  First though, talk to your parents or your school counselor and see if they can help get her to take it down before getting the police involved.  If all that doesn’t work, I suggest making friends with hackers who can pepper her blog with photoshopped pictures of her enthusiastically stabbing kittens while wearing last year’s jeans.  These are both good options.

I miss banana-clips

·   Dear Bloggess:  I’m a recovering alcoholic and I’m about to go spend a week with old friends who are all big-time drinkers.  I don’t mind them drinking in front of me but how do I stop them from pressuring me into drinking?  They make me feel like such a prude. ~ Lorainne

“Not drinking” is the new “drinking” so technically you’re a trend-setter and you should probably look down your nose at your friends.  Unless I’m one of them.  Then you need to stop judging me.  It’s a lot like when banana-clips went out of style but I couldn’t say no to my banana-clip because it was the only thing that stayed in my hair so I just kept wearing it even though it was horribly inappropriate and I’d pressure everyone else to wear banana-clips too because then I’d feel less stupid if I wasn’t alone.  Drinking is like banana-clips.  It’s not going to help your reputation but sometimes people just can’t let go.  But you, lucky girl, have thrown away your symbolic banana-clips and should proudly wear your whatever-the-cool-sober-people-are-wearing-now.  And when the drunks pressure you just say “I’LL NEVER GO BACK TO BANANA-CLIPS” and they’ll think you’re insane but that’s okay because they’re probably too drunk to remember it anyway.  Or they might just assume that you actually are drunk because why else would you be talking about banana-clips at a bar?  Either way, I’m pretty sure you win. 

·   Dear bloggess:  I feel like I’m doing too much for my boyfriend and he feels like he’s doing too much for me. Who's right? ~Sausage McB

You know how when your cat is allergic to itself and he jumps up on you and he has these tiny, crusty boogers on his nose and he tries to rub them on you to get them off and you’re all “Ew, gross!” and then he gives you this hurt look like "I'm just trying to love you" and so you feel guilty so you decide to pull off the cat bogies but then when you do you don’t have a Kleenex to wipe them on and you just got comfortable on the couch so instead you wipe them on the cat and then the cat looks at you like “Really?”  And you’re all “What?” and he’s like “I can’t fucking believe you just did that” and you’re all “I’M HELPING” and then he shakes his fur and the snot balls fly off and one lands on your cheek and you’re all “YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE” and he’s all “Of course I didn't.  I’m a cat.  I can’t even talk” and you’re like “That’s no excuse for being an asshole”?  That’s exactly what relationships are like.  Sometimes you’re the cat and sometimes you’re the owner but either way you love and depend on the other too much to euthanize them or to scratch their eyes out while they sleep.  And that's how you know you're in a relationship.  I forgot what your question was but I think the answer is "Maybe get a dog".  

Your intestinal parasites don't make you better than me.

·   Dear the Bloggess; I am twenty-one years old and have just discovered drinking. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but my twenty year old sister is a huge prude and keeps dropping hints like telling horror stories of people that were such alcoholics they forgot how to use their brains and leaving pamphlets around and avoiding me when I am drunk. What can I do to tell her I am not in danger, just a normal human being, and please don't judge me? Thanks ~ Forever Young

You shouldn’t try to change your sister’s mind about the dangers of drinking because those fears might save her from turning into a raging alcoholic when she turns 21.  Plus, more booze for you at family get-togethers.  Instead of trying to convince her that a glass of wine won’t give you permanent brain damage you should just convince her that she’s right and that you are now randomly mentally-impaired and whenever she accuses you of being drunk just tell her that it’s your mental disability kicking in and then she’ll be forced to help you up off the floor so you won’t throw up in your hair again because you always have to help people with mental disabilities.  It’s a rule, I think.  Also, you should keep in mind that you might just be a really annoying drunk and maybe she’s just trying to find a subtle way of saying “You look like a douche and you can’t hold your alcohol properly.  You are embarrassing us all.”   Sometimes you have to learn to read between the lines.

·   Dear Bloggess, Have you ever felt a hole in your stomach? Like, not an ulcer, but like something isn't right? Because, each night when I go to bed, I get this feeling deep in my stomach that doesn't allow me to sleep. I'm not in love, nor do I feel terribly lonely. I just got back from a very awesome trip to a different country, and while I loved my time there, it feels good to be home. So, what is this feeling that comes only at night, when I'm sleeping in bed? Thus far, you're the only person I've asked because, recently, you're the only person who can make me laugh. Your hopelessly devoted drone, Mike

Dear Mike, I’m no doctor but I’m 100% sure that you have a tapeworm.  Probably you picked it up from whatever dirty, foreign country you traveled to.  Probably Canada.  (Kidding, Canada.  Stop sending me severed moose heads). According to the internet, the best way to get rid of the tapeworm is to have someone grab it when it comes out of your butt at night.  So good luck finding someone to do that.  In other words, you’re probably going to die.  But technically we’re all going to die so you’re no worse off than the rest of us, plus you’re probably thinner than me because of the tapeworm and now you think you’re better than me.  Fuck you, Mike.  Your intestinal parasites don’t make you any better than me.  They just make you sexier than me.  Unless we’re both asleep and there are worms crawling out of your butt.  Then I’m sexier.  Probably.  This is why y'all need to submit pictures with your questions.

Blogher. Let's shut up about it now.

This last week I've been flooded with emails about the upcoming Blogher conference so this is an all-Blogher post.  I apologize in advance.  Also, if you're still freaked out after reading this post then check out the Serenity Suite.  I'll be there when I'm not hiding in bathrooms.

·    Dear Bloggess:  I’m going to Blogher this year and everyone keeps talking about these private parties that I’m not invited to.  I feel like a total loser.  ~Karen

Dear Karen:  There’s no rhyme or reason to who gets invited to what and there are tons of private parties that I wasn’t invited to.  Probably because I’m too pretty.  Or because I arbitrarily set fire to hotel rooms.  Or because no one likes me.  I’m going with the second one though because I like to think my reputation precedes me.  It sucks to hear about something you weren’t invited to but technically those people are doing you a favor because almost all of these private parties are sales pitches.  Like, one of them is a get-together with experts to teach you about electrical plugs and what constitutes proper flotation devices.  I’m not shitting you.  This is a real party that people are bragging about being invited to.  If you were going to New York on vacation would you purposely use that time to watch a video about electrical safety?  Because if so you can have my invitation.  The best private parties are the ones that aren’t private at all and that happen organically in the lobby of the hotel while you’re waiting for a shuttle with a bunch of strangers and you decide to just skip the conference altogether and instead go to a bar nearby and visit and then later you wake up with tattoos in a burned-out shell of someone else’s hotel room.  This is how good conferences work.

·    Dear Jenny, I’m going to the Blogher Conference but I feel out of place because no one ever comments on my blog and I’m afraid everyone else is going to laugh me because I’m not popular. ~ Jude

If the people you’re talking to are judging your worthiness by your technorati ranking then you are hanging out with the wrong people.  Mainly because technorati is broken.  And also because those people are assholes.  Avoid the assholes.  This is good advice no matter where you are.

·    Dear Bloggess:  What are you wearing to blogher? ~Janet

A t-shirt with my technorati ranking on it.

·    Dear bloggess:  I’m going to blogher and I want to hang out with the popular bloggers.  Is there a special place the cool A-listers hang out? ~ Cheri

“Popular blogger” is an oxymoron.  It’s like being the sexiest National Scrabble Champion or the best local Newt Gingrich impersonator.  Being a popular blogger doesn’t make you any more interesting to hang out with and truthfully, a lot of popular bloggers are really good at blogging only because they’re so shitty at dealing with people in real life situations.  That’s kind of the reason why most of us turn to blogging…because we’re terrified of real people.  If you just want to hang out with cool people you should probably check out the people catering the conference who have never even heard of blogging.  Or maybe go to a cheerleader conference instead.

·    Dear Bloggess:  I can’t afford to go to blogher this year and I’m sad.  Advice?  ~ Chickalotta

Just pretend you were there.  Seriously.  Blogher is so big that you only see 5% of what’s going on anyway so just get on twitter and be all “OMG.  Hanging out with the bloggess.  She just got arrested for setting fire to a hotel room when she found out she wasn’t invited to a private party about how to change spark plugs.” And then everyone else will be all “Well, that sounds reasonable” and then later just blog “I’m not talking about Blogher this year.  Too much drama” and then everyone will be “Oh, exactly” even though there wasn’t actually any drama at all but they’ll just pretend they know what you’re talking about or else they’d feel left out and people will suspect that they weren’t there either.  This is how blogging works.

·    Dear Bloggess: Can we PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT BLOGHER ALREADY?  ~Anne

Yes.  Yes, we can.

Actual, useful advice

My advice for the day?  Stop what you're doing.  Take a walk outside until you can find grass.  Take off your shoes, stand barefoot, close your eyes and feel the sun on your face.  Remember the days when that was all it took to make you happy.

This column would be longer but I'm too busy doing the same thing.

Don't give up.

·   Dear Bloggess, Is it okay to be 20 and to have never had a boyfriend? Is it okay to be a bit fussy? I've seen most of my friend’s relationships go down in flames and I have had to be the one on disaster clean up duty, is it bad to be a little bit nervous because of it all? Yours truly Nervy Ness

 If you’re not nervous about the idea of having a boyfriend then you aren’t ready to have a boyfriend.  Men are like guns…you’re supposed to be cautious around them even if you’re an expert because they’re a bit dangerous.  Also, because they go off unexpectedly.  But they’re nice to have around because they make you feel safer.  Except that they might accidentally kill you.  This is why it’s good to be a bit wary around them.  Guns, I mean.  Men are fine.  Unless they have guns.  Then you’re totally fucked.

·   Dear Bloggess: When my husband and I got married we were both atheists but now he’s suddenly into church and it’s a church that stresses how a wife should be submissive and do everything that her husband demands.  He won’t even let me buy anything with his permission.  When I don’t do what he wants he yells “HEATHEN!”  I don’t think he’s kidding. ~Heather

 Go buy a bunch of new clothes and when he says that you should have asked first tell him that he told you to do it in his sleep.  Then the next day wake him up and tell him that Jesus talked to you through him and that Jesus said that everything your husband told you yesterday was wrong.  Do that every time that your husband tells you anything you disagree with and when he gets mad just tell him that you’re doing exactly what he says when he’s channeling Jesus and how can you argue with Jesus?  You can’t.  Eventually he will be so pissed at Jesus for second-guessing his orders behind his back that he will be forced to completely turn his back on all religion.  Congratulations.  Now you’re both going to hell.

·   Dear Bloggess, I was diagnosed with Depression. AND an Anxiety Disorder. I'm only 14. And even though my family knows about it, it's like they don't give a Rat's ass. My Mom is waay too pushy, my sister gets all pissy because she thinks I want attention, my Dad's a bastard and he pretty much just ignores it. I'm too scared to tell anyone else, and I'm pretty sure I have lost all my friends. And I was depressed, for like, a year before I actually dragged my Mom to a counselers office. And no one even batted an eye. I know this all kind of angsty and a bit self-pity-ish. But I feel like I'm all alone, and I am barely hanging on a thread. I though someone like you, who’s kinda of gone through the same thing, could give me some advice. I realize that I didn't actually ask you a question. Sorry. I suck that way. ~dEAdButTERflies

 You don’t suck and you aren’t alone.  I’ve been there and I know it seems impossibly hard right now but it will get better.  Ages 12-18 suck in general even if you aren’t battling depression and anxiety and I’m giving you a mental high-five just for having the determination to see a counselor.  There are a lot of adults who aren’t strong enough to admit they need help so you’re already a step ahead of most people twice your age.  I know your parents seem like idiots right now (and maybe they are) but I bet that they love you and want you to be happy even if they don’t understand what you’re going through.  Don’t give up on them.  Keep them in the loop.  Everyone has a different way of pulling themselves out of the hole of depression.  For me it’s medication, sunshine, exercise and giving myself permission to be sad but reminding myself that when I’m depressed I’m not rational and that feeling alone and thinking everyone hates me is not real and is just the depression lying to me.  Find a friend to confide in, keep seeing your counselor and know that it does get better.  I promise.  Don’t give up.

Bisexuality exists, lesbians.

·   Dear Bloggess, I had the bad taste to get involved with a guy whose ability to grow up has been stunted. I decided to end the relationship after his reaction to some bad news went far, far wide of acceptable human behavior. Anyhow, he still calls. I tried ignoring the calls and he started showing up unannounced. I've tried being rude. I've tried just ignoring his presence when he shows up. I've tried staging the scene as if there were a new man in the picture. He keeps coming back. Should I rock out the windows Home Alone-style and keep a tape recorder next to my phone and playback gunfire when he calls? What would give him the big glaring clue that I don't want him around? ~ TryingToMakeMyEscape

 When he comes over tell him that you’re on your way out but hand him a trash sack and ask if he could weed your lawn while you’re gone.  If he shows up again tell him you’re just heading out but ask him to mow your grass and fertilize it.  At worst you’re getting free lawn care.  And if he says “no” then just say “You are the worst lawn service I’ve ever had.  You’re fired.”  Then when he tries to remind you that he’s your ex just say “Don’t be ridiculous.  I would never date the gardener.”  Then when he’s gone, start dating your gardener because at that point you will be used to all the free lawn care.  Except you'll have to have sex with your gardener so it’s not really free.  It’s more like prostitution.  For lawn care.  This is all terrible advice.  

·   Dear Bloggess:  Okay, so I was trying to admit I have a hot lady crush on this girl I know TO the girl when the conversation swung to the concept of bisexuality, and her belief that all bisexuals are really just confused straight people 'in a phase,' and shouldn't even be part of the GLBT movement. I'm bi. So now I can't come out to the lesbian I supported when SHE came out because I'm afraid of being hated for my sexuality. My question is, is this irony? ~ Anna

It’s less “ironic” and more just “kind of shitty”.  Sexuality doesn’t have any hard-and-fast rules and bisexuality totally exists.  If it didn’t then the GLBT movement would just be called the GLT.  Which sounds like a sandwich.  No one is going to take a movement that sounds like a sandwich seriously.  If anything, your friend should be thanking you for making her movement sound less delicious. 

·   Dear bloggess, my boobs hurt every now and then, completely unrelated to my cycle. I tell myself they're growing, and they feel like their bigger, you know, in my HEAD. But they stay the same size! What is going on?  ~ Syd

You know when you leave your keys on the counter but then you look on the counter and they aren’t there so you look all over the house and an hour later you find them and they were on the counter the whole time and you’re all “WTF?!  I TOTALLY JUST LOOKED THERE AND THEY WEREN’T THERE”?  They were in your boobies.

It's never okay to kill puppies.

·   Dear Bloggess,  I have a boyfriend (I am male) and I love him so much...YAY! And he loves me...YAY!x2 and we currently moved to another state together (sort of..) for Uni... My question is this... We've been together 2 years now, and our relationship is great, but we both feel like we're lacking something… He wants romance (like candlelit dinners and surprise presents), and I just want to spend time with him. (I'm not too romantic... a horror movie would be my idea of a date...Or two player zombie shooter on PS3) What can I do to spice it up? ~ Dylan

 The short answer is to surprise your boyfriend with things like zombie games and tickets to horror movies but eventually he will catch on that these are really more beneficial to you so the best course of action is to cure him from wanting candle-lit dinners and surprises.  Like, maybe when you’re leaning over to kiss him you “accidentally” catch your hair on fire.  Then when you’re in the hospital he’ll find the box you left under the bed that has a dead puppy in it and he’ll be all “WTF, dude?” and you can be like “YOU’RE JUST NOW OPENING THAT?  WHY DID YOU KILL THE PUPPY?  PUPPIES CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT AIR” and he’ll be all “YOU NEVER TOLD ME THERE WAS A PUPPY UNDER THE BED” and then you can be like “THAT’S BECAUSE IT WAS A SURPRISE, ASSHOLE.  Because you like surprises.  So…SURPRISE.  Dead puppy.” And then he’ll never want a surprise or a candle-lit dinner again because they’ll remind him of dead puppies and burning hair.  And you just saved him a lot of disappointment because eventually romantic dinners and surprises come to an end.  If anything he should thank you.  Or his next boyfriend should because he’s probably not going to stick with you after you burn off all your hair and kill his puppy.  Men are notoriously superficial about that kind of shit.  Also, don’t *really* kill a puppy.  Get one that’s already dead from natural causes.  I probably don’t have to clarify that but you never know when some sicko is going to think it’s okay to kill a puppy just to cure someone of wanting surprises.  It’s never okay to kill puppies. 

·   Dear the Bloggess, This is my story. My life is difficult. My butler is imaginary, and I am not sexually attractive to women. Also, I am intellectually impoverished and hungry. Specifically, I have no words to write essays with. They appear to have left. If I don't write essays haste post haste I will be expelled from uni and will be forced to spend the rest of my life either working or being a dole bludger. Furthermore, I live in Canberra, which is an affliction in and of itself. Please Help and God Bless. ~ Stabitha

I don’t know what a “dole bludger” is but I suspect it’s because I’m a muggle.  Nonetheless, when I feel writer’s block kicking in I just pull out the dictionary and remind myself that every great thing ever written is just a jumbled mixed up words from the dictionary placed in a specific order and that usually helps.  Also, when you’re about 3 pages into the report your teacher will stop reading and that’s when you can just copy shit directly from the dictionary.  Or just rip pages out and turn them in.  That’s kind of what dictionaries are there for.  If you look up “dictionary” in the dictionary it says “Great book to steal from”.  I assume.  I don’t actually know for sure because I turned in most of the D section of my dictionary when my college thesis was due.  I got a D.  That’s irony, I think.  I’d check but I burned the “I” section later that semester when I ran out of rolling papers.

Someone get Poohmay to the doctor

·   Dear Bloggess:  I have a big scar on my arm and people always assume it’s from a failed suicide attempt.  It’s from a car accident I had last year but I feel weird explaining that to people.  Should I just not mention it? ~ Laura

I totally understand.  Yesterday I gave my dog (Barnaby Jones Pickles) a bath and now I look like I tried to kill myself, except really inefficiently because these scratch marks are all over the damn place.  But they’re noticeable enough that I kind of want to explain to people that I wasn’t cutting myself but then I thought that would seem defensive so I thought about just writing “My dog did this to me” with a sharpie on my arms but then I worried that they would think I was accusing my dog of assault and that seems like a cry for help and then the police would show up and Barnaby Jones Pickles would get arrested because he’s not wearing a shirt and anyone not wearing a shirt always gets arrested.  Plus, he’s not wearing pants either.  Honestly, it’s like he wants to get arrested.  

·  Dear Bloggess: My 14-year-old watched all three seasons of Arrested Development in one sitting. Does that make me a bad mom? ~ Tracy

I think it’s fine.  I let my five-year-old watch The Simpsons because I think it’s important for her to learn comedic timing.  But I fast-forward through the Itchy & Scratchy parts because I think they’re too violent.  Except most of the time I don’t get to the remote in time so instead I just yell “DON’T LOOK AT THE TV, HAILEY.  LALALALALALAALA DON’T LISTEN TO THE SCREAMING LALALALALALA.”  I maybe think that makes us both bad moms. 

·  Dear Bloggess:  My 9-year-old wants to name our unborn baby Quepple Rep or Agent 42 or Oobi. Kids suck at names. ~ Rachel Y

It might be the lack of sleep but I kind of think "Agent 42" is a kick-ass name for a baby.  Honestly, how different would your life be right now if people had called you "Agent 42" your whole life?  There’s a mysterious air of dark intrigue to it.  I once knew a girl who named her son “Mister”.  That’s a shitty name.  Every time someone yells for him every man in the vicinity would look up.  Of course, they’d probably look up every time you yelled “Agent 42” too, but it most likely be out of awed respect and envy rather than annoyance.  

·   I am a human Mqkr but I can not find one convinced by what I think I'm in the stage of Despairing now I want one will really help me lose my thoughts and this one of the most difficult thing I want to talk with him and really I see in your eyes you are very smart I want to speak with you. ~  Poohmay

Dear Poohmay: I think one of us has had a stroke.  You should probably get that shit checked out.

The unanswerable ones

Most of the questions on Ask-the-Bloggess are relatively straight-forward and can be answered with my standard "Just set fire to everything" but occassionally I get a question that I can only answer with "I have no fucking idea".  Except that I would never say that because that would be unhelpful.  So instead I post these unanswerable questions here for you guys to answer because you always come up with much more helpful advice than I do.  Probably because you're not as drunk as I am.  Please stop judging me. 

·    Dear bloggess: If you swallow after a blowjob, is that like a cannibalism hors d-oeuvre? ~ Jami 

·    Dear Bloggess, Did my Mom tell me the truth when she said my uterus would flare up and reject hostile penile missiles? She said my ovaries would punch it in the face, and if that didn't work, my fallopian tubes would strangle it. Do all babymakers come with violent self-defense mechanisms? ~ Sioux

·    Dear The Bloggess, What would happen if you hired two private detectives to follow each other? ~ KT

·    I was not going to leave a comment but the Captcha word is: also snapped. I am thinking oh how fitting, cause I am just about to also snapped (wrong tense of the word, but what the hell). I have recently started watching True Blood and I am addicted to it and now I want to be a "fangbanger". My question is do you think it is possible that I can be a "fangbanger"? I think vampires are hot, and that is why I am about to also snapped. ~ Virginia

·    Dear Bloggess, I really don't know what to do. I just received an urn with my father's ashes in it. I want to put it on the shelf next to the urn with my mom's ashes, but they fought like they were on Bully Beat Down every day. Also, they both died on Halloween day - only seven years apart. I am wondering what will happen if I put them next to each other. I have small children in the house. Signed, Don't Go Into the Light

·    How do I convince my wife she's beautiful? Her low self-esteem(which  seems to stem from her conception that she is not attractive and feminine enough. Though, she doesn't think she's fat.) is something I often worry about. I've tried to be poetic and praising of her eyes, her face in general, her cheeks, and her hair. In case you need to know, my wife is a realdoll head with all the components a normal human head would have. ~ Jeffrey Gunn

I blame Scott Baio

·   Dear Bloggess: Once someone told me "you gotta be a big girl someday," so I took a deep breath and grew up. Now, I am tired of being a big girl, I wanna quit. Now what? ~ Abigirl

Two words:  Sex change.  But you’ll have to change your name to something more masculine.  I suggest “Hank”.  Hank is an awesome name for a guy.  I like "Charles" too but Scott Baio ruined it for everyone.  That guy's an asshole.  Now I've forgotten what your question was.  I blame Scott Baio.

·    Jenny, the bastards at work blocked TheBloggess.com OVERNIGHT. I was able to see your site yesterday and today, I get a message that says "This Websense category is filtered: Social Networking." I'm able to access your AskTheBloggess site (obviously), for now, but it's not the same. I see they also tried to block some of my other favorite blogs. I'm feeling very stabby. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? Work? Pshaw. How do I convince these fuckers that I'm still being more productive, even when I check your site once or twice a day, than the people that take 4 or more smoke breaks?! ~ Loren

Tell your boss that you need to have access to thebloggess.com because it has several worksheets that you use on a regular basis in your work.  In fact, I just made one for you so that you don’t even have to lie.  I was going to do one about the periodic table of elements but then I thought a worksheet about how to deal with your inappropriate rage in the workplace might be something that your boss would have a vested interest in getting you access to as soon as possible.  This works better if you’re angrily holding a fork in one of your clenched fists when you tell him you need to access that worksheet immediately, but maybe make it a plastic fork so that he feels dumb about calling security.

·   Dear Bloggess, Recently I found out my husband, who I have a 1 year old with and am currently pregnant with baby #2, has been cheating on me and left me to be with one of the many girls he cheated on me with. I'm angry with myself because I want him back knowing that he thinks a lot of other girls are "more wow" than me. I'm trying really hard to move on and be happy but don't have a clue where to start. What would you do? ~ IvyQ

 Oh, IvyQ.  Go back and re-read your question.  You already know the answer.  Obviously you need to let him crash at your place when his girlfriends eventually get tired of loaning him money and then let him use you and let your children see that they deserve to be in a relationship where their spouse treats them like total crap because they aren’t worthy of having someone who treats them well.  Or?  Leave this asshole in the dust, concentrate on your kids, lean on friends and family for support, and use this opportunity to grow (even though it’s painful and hard and so incredibly difficult) because you know that one day it’ll be okay and that your children will see the incredible example of an amazing woman who pulled herself up after being stupidly tossed aside.  One day soon that man will come crawling back.  They always do.  It’s up to you if he crawls back to a woman who thinks that this guy is the best she can do, or to a confident woman who realizes she’s so much better than him.  I’m leaning toward option two.

She's actually about as qualified as I am to give advice

I realize I’m like a week behind on this advice column but I’ve been very busy because Netflix sent me season two of Arrested Development so I’ve enlisted some help by asking my 5-year-old daughter (Hailey) your questions and transcribing exactly what she says.  She’s really good at this.  Plus, I can pay her in stuffed animals that she already owns because she has a really bad memory.  That’s why illegal child labor is such a lucrative thing.  Let’s begin:

·   I’m desperate.  I need to choose a major in college but I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.  HELP!  What should I be, oh wise one? ~ Lorrainne

Oh, you should be a scientist.  You should learn about why milk is so milky.  Or sew rainbows together.  Or doll science!  You should do doll science.  Can I have a popsicle?

·    Is it unusual that during last nights season finale of Grey’s Anatomy I cried like a small child who had just seen her mother being stabbed into tiny pieces and then eaten? I feel like its kind of unhealthy to be that addicted to a TV show.... ~Adah

 I cried when I watched “Elmo Lost in GrouchLand” because Elmo got lost.  It was really, really, really sad.  Then mommy said we couldn’t watch Elmo anymore so instead I watched “Milo and Otis”.  You should watch “Milo and Otis” instead too.  It’s about a cat who walks on a chicken and nobody's mother gets eaten.   Can I have a Popsicle?  Pleeease?

·   Question: I have a bajillion nicknames for my 8 year old son ("Little One," "Sweetness," etc.). He has one nickname for me and it's not "Mom." I kid you not, it's "Parsley Slash Chicago Joe." (Yes, he writes out the word "slash" on his notes and pictures.) What does that mean??? P.S. My captcha is "buns Boswell" which I think would make a kickass nickname. ~ amber

 “Buns Boswell” is not a good nickname.  “Sully Pettibone” is a good nickname.  Also, “Rosalita Horsey-Head”.  “Parsely” is not a nice name.  You should make your son have a long time-out and tell him to think about things before he says them out loud.  POPSICLE!  POPSICLE!  I NEED A POPSICLE!

Advice I'd give myself at 21

·    Dear Bloggess:  I'm a long time reader of whatever, and I remember that you decided to quit your job because you'd rather write. I came to that conclusion this morning. I guess I should first give you some background: 21, 3rd year college student (double major in creative writing and sociology), supervise and just had an interview for a manager's position, still live at home-its free, and if I don't start taking more classes starting next fall it'll take me 6 years to finish my undergrad.  I would so much rather write, and I know I have a lot less to lose than you did when you decided to quit your job. I came to the realization that my job does not really benefit me in any way, what I want to do is write/teach...and the pay from those will suck compared to my current paychecks but I came to the realization that my time is priceless, why can't I do things that will personally benefit me? Or will keeping the job and saving my money benefit me more than "following my dreams or whatever"? ~ Johnsie

PS: and then I'm like, "Now's the best time to become a starving artist or whatever while I'm 21 and have no bills to pay." I also really want to try and start an artists collective. Not sure how to execute it, but it would be a hell of a lot easier if I wasn't giving up 15 hours of my life a week. (You probably rolled your eyes at the 15 hours a week thing because you probably worked full time.)

Short answer?  I have no idea.

Honestly.

When I was 21 I was going to school full-time in the day and working full-time at night.  I wrote for the college newspaper long enough to realize how much I hated writing for newspapers and got a degree in Journalism, which I never actually used.  Then I got several soul-crushing jobs that I tried to pretend were very fulfilling.  And then I found blogging.  And after a few years of trial and error I found my voice, and then an audience, and then a community, and then myself.  And it’s wonderful.  But it doesn’t pay what a real job would and you have no insurance and you end up taking a lot of freelance work and spending much more time doing spreadsheets and invoices and proposals than you ever dreamed.  And for me, it’s totally worth it.  But here’s the thing...when I was 21 I wanted to be a ballerina.  Desperately.  I cried when I watched ballet but I couldn’t afford lessons and I wasn’t coordinated enough to get a scholarship.  Instead I watched others become ballerinas and thought that one day I’d have the money to hire to trainer and finally learn how to become a dancer.  That never happened.  Partially because I can barely walk across the room without running into a door, partially because it’s too expensive, but mostly because I’ve realized it’s not really what I’m here for.  The things we want at 21 are seldom the things we want at 30.  I don’t actually remember learning anything important in college.  What college gave me though was a break to figure out who I was before I started life.  At 21 I hadn’t had enough joy or tragedy in my life to burn away everything that wasn’t me.  By 35, I had.  And that’s when I decided to quit my job and give myself one year to write.  And one year later I sold my book.  Which has been incredible…and also incredibly hard.  I work full-time in the day on free-lance writing, and correspondence and ad design and associated bullshit to pay the bills and then I stay up all night working on my book and somewhere in between I try to be a mom and wife and myself.  I don’t regret for a moment the decision I made to follow my dreams, but if I had made this decision at 21 I think I would have been very disappointed because I would never have had “real-life” to judge this by.  Without years of doing spreadsheets and invoicing at a company I would never be able to appreciate how much less odious the task is when you’re doing it for yourself.   Without having to deal with mean coworkers or difficult people I wouldn’t be able to fully enjoy how amazing it is to get to choose who I work with now.  Without having gone through years 21-35 in corporate America I wouldn’t be who I am and I wouldn’t have this story to tell.  For me, following my dreams at age 21 would have been a mistake because I didn’t know which dream would still be the one giving me inspiration to keep pushing so many years later.

That being said?  Go for it.   Start your collective, write, follow the dream you have.  Do it now.  Do it while you’re in school or working or doing whatever you need to do to stay on track, but do it.  And remember that college teaches determination (which you need to organize an artists collective) and that real-life jobs pay real-life bills that stack up during the strange time when you’re finding out who it is you really are and what you really want.  Go find yourself.  The world is waiting for you.

(We will return to violently snarky advice next week.  Promise.  Just had to get this all out. ~Jenny)

Cannibalism is the new black

·    Dear Bloggess, So birth happens to be just around the corner for me, and I've heard a lot of different opinions when it comes to the mirror. Do I want to watch my crotch be ripped open when my baby girl comes out? Cause it's a "miracle." Or do I just want to say no and keep pushing? And if I do want to say no, should I take advantage of being a bitch when I say no? Cause you're allowed to be a bitch when you're giving birth... Just saying. ~Bree

Speaking from experience, do not look.  It’s like your vagina is blowing a bubble.  Honestly, no one wants to see that.

·    Dear Bloggess: What is the proper response for people who ogle your lunch at work? It's very stressful. I've taken to planning my lunch when I hope no one will be in the kitchen. Still doesn't work. If they smell it, they come charging in, leaning over my shoulder, breathing into my plate, asking, "mmmmm.... what's that?" I get all feral in those moments but instead of attacking them, I usually mutter something and scurry off with my food clutched like a football to my chest. There must be a better way to handle this. ~ cardancer

Just sigh deeply and whisper, “It’s my mother.  My people believe that if you ingest the body of our ancestors they never die.  I’ve found that if I mix mother in with Lean Cuisine she goes down easier.”  Then generously offer them a bite and when they refuse just grab your mother/lunch furiously and storm out like you can’t even believe they’d insult your family like that and whisper “Don’t listen to them mother.  You’re delicious.”  They’ll probably never bother you again.  About anything.  

·  One time, I waited until my boyfriend at the time was asleep... well, passed out... and I took a sharpie and painted two eyes and a smiley face on his balls. It was just nice to have someone give you eye contact and really engage you while you were down there. ~ hannahbanana 

This is not a question.  But it’s fucking awesome.

High school is shitty

·    Dear Bloggess, okay, so there is a guy in one of my classes who makes fun of me at least twice a week because I have small boobs. and by small I mean I’m still an A and I’m a junior in high school. what can I say to him to make him lay off other than "fuck you, asshole." that’s my usual comeback, which isn’t very clever. ~ IBTC 

“Fuck you, asshole” is actually fine because he’s not really worth a clever retort but if he’s really bothering you I suggest leaning in and stage-whispering “I know you’re just joking but it’s starting to kind of bother me.  I mean, how do you handle it?” and then when he’s all “How do I handle what?” then say quite seriously “How do you handle it when you hear everyone talking about how small your penis is?  Is that why you don’t use the urinals anymore?   Because that’s what the other guys are saying and I don’t know why you let them get to you.  I’m sure it’s not really as small as everyone says.  And besides you’re young.  You’re still growing.  Probably.”  And then if he ever messes with you again just smile kindly like you genuinely feel sorry for him and say “I know.  I feel your pain” while you look at his crotch.  Eventually he’ll either stop or at least you’ll be able to entertain yourself with his discomfort. 

·    Ok, so I was thinking...what's the difference between euthinasia and execution...? ~ Adriana

One of them is more difficult to spell than the other.  

·    Dear Bloggess, If you were a mermaid, what would your mermaid name be? Would you be benevolent, or evil? Would you live among the coral, or in an undersea sand mansion? What about Victor? Much love! Michael.

I would be a benevolent mermaid named Doctor Starlight SmashHammer and I would live in the sewers because I don’t like unexpected visitors. Victor would not be a mermaid because “they don’t exist”.  Victor just broke my heart. 

Ballsack etiquette

·    What is the proper protocol for dude's balls hanging out of tight shorts, resting on seat of M15 downtown bus, sitting across from you? Semi-cute.  Because no matter what you say, I think I may have handled it incorrectly. ~Jessica 

Wait, is the dude semi-cute or are the balls semi-cute?  I can’t tell what noun we’re modifying here.  Regardless though you should always tell people when their balls are hanging out because that’s just good manners.  But be careful because once I thought I saw a guy with his nugget-pouch hanging out of his shorts but turns out that he just had a hamster sleeping in between his legs.  True story.  Sometimes balls turn out to be hamsters. Helpful hint:  You can usually tell the difference between hamsters and ballsacks because hamsters have faces. The trick is to make a loud noise because then the hamster will turn around to see what the hell your problem is.  Ballsacks almost never respond to loud noises. 

·    Dear Jenny, I'm a senior in high school, and I have 20 days left of school. I'm the girl who used to chill with the orange blonde haired chicks, but then I was all "Hey you guys wanna watch Star Wars instead of going to homecoming?" and they didn't dig that too much. It didn't happen exactly like that, but the point is that they're douche lords, especially since I've embraced my own nerdy video-game related interests. My question is this: how do I survive the last few days of idiocy (preferably avoiding an invitation to prom because SCREW THAT) and also, is college just an extension of high school...because if it is...I can't even think of an action that would satisfy my horror. ~ Megan

Megan, you should enjoy and appreciate your last few days in high school because you will remember them the rest of your life.  Like when you’re in prison you’ll be all “Well, at least I’m not in high school”.  Ditto for the first time you get hit by a train or mugged at gunpoint.  High school is life’s way of giving you a record low to judge the rest of your life by.  College, on the other hand, is awesome.  Unless you join a sorority.  Then it’s a lot like high school.  Unless you make up your own sorority and fill it with weird, unpopular kids that eventually save the school with some sort of hard-rock musical montage.  Then you just became every 80’s movie I ever saw. 

·    Dear Bloggess:  Should I give up on my boyfriend because this long distance relationship hurts me a lot? He wants to have sex with older woman and I'm younger than him. By older, he means 40-ish woman (found on craiglist). He's 30. He lives in a different country, he doesn't want to get married and he wants to do other women. I love him but I don't think I can't be in this relationship anymore. No, I don't want him stabbed, burned or harmful-variants. I just need an advice because I am at the verge of completely giving up on him. ~ seriously-in-need-for-advice-girl

Is this a joke? You’re "on the verge" of giving up on a man who lives in a different country, doesn’t want to marry you, and is using craigslist to find women to have sex with because he’s not attracted to women your age? Does he also skin live kittens and set fire to orphans?  Is this the same guy that murdered Batman’s parents?  I refuse to answer this on the grounds that I think I’m being “Punked”.  If it’s not a joke though then just read your question again.  “He lives in a different country, he doesn't want to get married and he wants to do other women.”  I’m pretty sure you just answered your own question here.

May the 4th be with you.

·    Dear Bloggess, What do you do when childless (by choice) people tell you to watch "The Supernanny" in order to improve your parenting? I'm feeling both stabby and pathetic. Which emotion should I act on, and how? I'm really a perfectly decent parent - our daughter gets food and love and books and cuddles; she just doesn't like to go to bed. So: revenge or self-flagellation? ~ Jenny

Anyone stupid enough to think that you can learn how to be a good parent by watching tv is not worth bothering with.  We don’t pay attention to the stupid people, Jenny.  Because they’re stupid.  And besides, you’re going to get judged by childless people and parents alike so you might as well get used to it.    Like today when I dropped my 5-year-old off at kindergarten and her teacher was all “Uh…are you wearing a robe?” and I was like “Of course I am. It’s National Star Wars Day” and I explained that I’m wearing my bathrobe because it’s the closest thing I have to a Jedi costume and she just kind of stared at me.  Probably because she was thinking that she wished that the school celebrated Star Wars Day because any day that you’re encouraged to not change out of your bathrobe all day is pretty fucking bad-ass.  Or possibly she was judging me.  Hard to tell.  The important thing though is that I was wearing a bathrobe and she was wearing pants and so I win.  I win the contest that she didn’t even know we were having.  The contest of who-gets-to-wear-a-robe-to work.  I win. The point is?  No matter what you do you are going to get judged anyway so you might as well go with your gut and do what feels right for you and your family because in the end that’s all that really matters. Stop listening to assholes and put on your bathrobe, little ninja.  You’ve totally earned it.

(Also?  I have no idea why that picture is so tiny or how to fix it.  Click here for the blown-up version.)

·    Bloggess:  Could use some advice....have you ever drank and cut your own hair? I am considering doing it tonight.  ~ Kellyn

First of all, I apologize because this probably would have been more helpful if I answered this last week when you asked this.  Secondly?  No.  This is a horrible idea.  I did it once and it looked AWESOME except the next morning I was all “WHO THE FUCK CUT MY HAIR?” because it had looked totally kick-ass right before I passed out but then later I woke up looking like a practical joke.  And I looked around to see who had done it AND THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE THERE.  Victor insists this is what happens when you cut your hair when you’re drunk but I’m pretty sure that fairies did it.  Like, you know how the tooth fairy comes to get your teeth when you lose one?  I’m pretty sure there are hair fairies that do the same thing with cut hair but you never see them because they usually hang out at barber shops but when you cut your hair in your own kitchen they come in to pick up the hair and apparently these fairies were pissed that I’d left so little hair for them so in revenge they gave me the worst haircut ever.  And they left all the hair in the sink and when I tried to rinse it down the garbage disposal it got clogged and I didn’t want to call a plumber to tell them that my disposal was full of human hair so instead I dropped a lit match down the drain, which (surprisingly) sort of worked but then my house smelled like burned hair for week.  Thanks a lot, fairies.  You guys are assholes. 

Even Dr. Phil would be like "Yeah. I have no fucking idea."

You might assume from reading this column that these questions pretty much answer themselves.  "Set fire to that bitch in the next cubicle, at least try the meth so you don't look rude, accuse family members of being pandas in disguise to get out of cooking Thanksgiving dinner"...these are all standard answers that anyone with a psychology degree can deliver.  But there are a few questions that stump even me.  That's why this post is dedicated to the Most Unanswerable Questions in the Fucking World.  Feel free to answer any of them because honestly?  I have no damn idea.  Let's begin:

·   Dear Bloggess: There are biceps and triceps, right? Are there also uniceps? or monoceps? It doesn't make sense to have a 2 and a 3 without having a 1, does it?~ Kitten

·    Question: Since when hasn't it been sexy to blow chunks on a man's penis? I thought that was, like, the best part? I mean, every time I do it, the man is always like, "Wow. I'm done." I just assumed it meant instant ejaculation. I'm confused. ~ Sarah P

·   Dear Bloggess, if someone were a horseback-riding spy, would it be called "equestrianage"? Also, how sneaky are horses? ~ Jackson

·  Dear Bloggess: Does it make you lesbian if you really like Lady Gaga? But you're really not lesbian. ~  paparazzi

· Oh hey you know what's worse than ponies? FUCKING LLAMAS. One time I was walking a sheep on a leash around downtown Annapolis (okay it was more than one time) and at least 65% of people were whispering behind me about the llama I had with me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD THAT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SHEEP AND A LLAMA? Also my Captcha is late jail and I kind of want to know what punishment they give you if you're late to jail. ~ Sara

· Dear Bloggess: How well do you have to know somebody before you can lick their face? Do we have to be married, can we be strangers, or is this in that special category like peeing on each other? I'm kind of going through a phase where I want to lick things. ~ Procrastinateher

·   Dear Bloggess: Has it ever occurred to you that every question asked of you on this site was secretly asked by Victor, and that he's just pretending to be these imaginary "people" with problems just so he can finally discover the secret of your inner psyche? Just the thought scares the shit out of me. Your husband could be trying to get to know you better AS WE SPEAK. ~ By Possibly Not Victor 

· Dear Bloggess: I once lived next door to a girl with no arms or legs and my first thought when I met her was "how can she whack?" then I wondered if the war amps made some kind of long handled prosthetic dildo device. Later on I wondered how she ate and climbed the stairs in her apartment. ~ EdenSky

·  Dear Jenny, the word captcha is yelling MUTATION STONES at me. Is there anything wrong with my stones? I don't have stones. But now I'm worried. Are my stones in danger? ~ Nicole.

FYI...Cheating on Jesus is a sure way to go to Hell.

·  Dear Bloggess,  I met this guy who was the same kind of different as me. We hit it off. Then he sent me a kiss off email and called me a "fair maiden". I may be beautiful, but fair maiden is a little out there. He completely offended my sensibilities as a writer. So I'm back to being betrothed to God. Jesus is my boyfriend. No point really. Just thought I'd tell you. ~ Gster

You realize that God and Jesus are two different people, right?  Because basically you just admitted to cheating on God with his son.  Which is kinda fucked-up even for this column.  This is a dangerous game, Gster and you are playing with fire.  You need to pick one and just stick with him.  I recommend Jesus because he always has wine. But be careful not to scream “Oh God!” in the sack or he will totally think that you’re thinking about his dad in bed.  Also?  Pretty sure I’m going to hell for even discussing this.  You people owe me.

·  Dear Bloggess, I was recently in a love triangle with a boy and a girl, and I ended up choosing the girl. The boy is still a dear friend of mine, but he's convinced that I am gay, and that I just haven't realized it yet. He says is not going to date anyone else until I realize this and realize that I belong with him. I know I like chicks. How do I convince him of this so that he can move on? ~ A.

Alex, you don’t accidentally go gay.  You’re probably bisexual.  But none of that matters because the real issue here is that this guy kind of sounds like a stalker.  Or possibly an incurable romantic.  Here’s how you can tell:  If he’s standing on your front lawn holding a boombox playing “In Your Eyes” he’s probably an incurable romantic and if you don’t make out with him, I will.  If he carved his initials on your face after he chloroformed you he’s probably a dangerous stalker.  This is a simple rule that you should print out so you always have it with you. 

·  Dear Bloggess, my mom and my sister are constantly stealing my socks from my sock drawer. All the time! I never have any socks to wear because they're always taking them! I've tried throwing my thongs in my sock drawer to get them to back off but not even those will stop them! I don't know what to do about those sock thieves! ~Sockless

Easy.  Shove a dead snake into one of your socks.  Then when your mom or sister finds it and screams just nod and tell them that you think a whole nest of them must be in there because that’s the third dead snake you’ve found in that drawer.  If that doesn’t work then fill the drawer with live scorpions.  If that still doesn’t work you should set fire to your sock drawer.  But then you won’t have socks either.  This is the price you pay when you choose to make a stand over socks.  Invest in flip-flops.

Drugs are good. Except for meth. Avoid meth.

·    Dear Bloggess:  I am a high school student in Chemistry. Right now, we are doing a project on a specific element, mine being tin. I asked my teacher if I could quote you in the paper if I could find anything about tin, be it serious or not, on any of your websites. I haven't yet and I wanted to post a comment on Ask The Bloggess, but this school computer wouldn't let me. If you could say anything about tin on any of your blogs, that would be absolutely amazing. You would be cited in a research paper, which would be awesome.  Thanks, Savannah 

 Savannah, I am shocked that your school computers will not let you access “Ask the Bloggess” as this site is filled with valuable educational tidbits.  I am very glad that you asked me about tin because I happen to know a lot about it.  Tin was discovered in 1973 when an old farmer was attempting to create a polymer that goats won’t eat.  He failed, miserably, but succeeded in accidentally inventing tin.  The farmer, known only as Trout Von Liptenschtien, was going to throw out the newly created element when a tribe of gypsies came across his discovery and bought it for a bawdy dance and a song that was mostly humming.  In short, he was totally ripped off.  This is why most people don’t trust gypsies to this very day.  Tin is the most badass of all the elements and is mainly used to protect against vampires, who are slightly allergic to it.  The Catholic church holds that vampires will burst into flames when touched by blessed tin but scientific study has shown that the element only causes vampires a vague sense of unease and occasionally a mild skin irritation.

Please send me a copy of your research paper if you use me for a resource.  That would be awesome.

·    Dear Bloggess,, My friend showed me the post where you talked about depression and the anxiety attacks and all that sort of stuff because it made her think of me. And honestly... I can see why. I think I might actually need medication and I don't want my mom to know. I'm 18, but I have six dollars to my name and can't get a job currently (long, long story) so without her I can't get any form of help. I love my mom, but if I tell her that she's going to think I'm crazy or trying to get attention or some stupid crap like that because that's how she rolls. I just don't know what to do. -K. P.S. I just realized that I didn't actually ask a question in my post. Fail. ~ katieisaninja

Katie, if you think you need drugs then you probably do.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  Lots of people need drugs, including myself.  I don’t know your mom but speaking as a parent, most parents would rather be able to help their children than to see them suffer.  If you’re in school you can get advice on how to approach your mom from a counselor and if you’re not in school then these places can help.

You’re not alone, Katie, and things will get better.  Also, there’s not a joke here.  I apologize for that.  Sometimes there’s just not.  This is one of those times.  Go get some drugs.  Not meth though.  Avoid meth.

Avoid lunatics.

·    Dear Bloggess, My sister told me I need to get a hobby. I said I had a hobby: giving blow jobs. She said you can't collect blow jobs. My question is can you collect blow jobs? ~ Holly

Your sister is right.  You can’t own blow jobs.  You can only give them away.  It feels like there’s probably a good analogy for life in there but I’m too drunk to find it.

·    Dear Bloggess, How can I stop myself from reading the comments on blog sites and youtube videos? I'm guaranteed to find at least three that make me wish Science had focused on giving us the ability to punch people through the internet instead of making toys to facilitate better cybersex. I'm betting a lack of internet-punching can't be good for my blood pressure.~ Kaz

Oh Kaz, never read comments on youtube.  Ever.  Ever.  I’d explain why but it’s easier to just show you why using a video someone else made:

Exactly.

·    Dear Bloggess, I just got this email from my friend who's studying medicine, saying she just found out in one of her lectures that the contraceptive pill mimics the first trimester of pregnancy, and in your first trimester you hormones are such that you are attracted to guys that smell like your dad. So, without dwelling too long on that, her point was, if you're on the pill, come off it for awhile before you marry your boyfriend, because he obviously smells like your dad and you might want to find out whether he still does it for you even when dad-smell is no longer your thing. Then I remembered my friend is studying naturopathy, not medicine, and no offence to all the naturopaths out there, but in that case do I still need to take her advice seriously? I like my boyfriend just fine. ~ Esther

I had a friend who was a Naturopath and she told me that that the premise of Naturopathy is that you should rely on your body’s natural ability to heal and maintain itself rather than on medicine and doctors.  Then I was all “So then why would we even need Naturopaths?  I’m pretty sure your whole belief system just made you irrelevant”.  Then she got mad at my logic and stopped talking to me which actually worked well for everyone involved.  Avoid lunatics, Esther.  This is my advice to you.

How do blind people know when to stop wiping?

·    Dear Bloggess, Where's a place that I can find nice, attractive, all-around good men? ~ Debby

Elementary schools.  Mostly because the majority of the men are there to pick up their kids so you know they’re good parents.  Maybe stand outside and look for ones that aren’t wearing wedding rings.  But if the school officials ask why you’re loitering at the elementary school do not tell them that you’re there looking for a date.  That does not go over well and you will be labeled a sexual predator.  You're going to have to trust me on this one.

·    Dear Bloggess, How do blind people know when to stop wiping? ~ Paul

 I don’t know the answer to this so I asked a friend who is legally blind and he said “Well, how do sighted people know when to stop wiping?” and I was all “First of all, Paul, it's rude to answer a question with another question.  And secondly, we check the toilet paper, obviously” and he was all “You look at your own shit?  That’s disgusting.  What the fuck is wrong with you?!”  Awesome.  Now I’m being judged by blind people.  Thanks a lot, Paul.  I don’t have an answer for you and now I have a complex.  Everyone loses.

·    Dear Bloggess, I will be serving as the Best Woman in my friend's wedding next week. As such, I must give a toast... How do I nicely say that I support this marriage wholeheartedly because since she has been with her fiance she has been WAY less of an asshat? I think we can all agree it is a very positive side effect of their relationship, but I hesitate to say asshat in front of the parentals. ~ Alias McGee

“Asshat” is an great word but not really “wedding appropriate”.  I suggest using the more elegant “douche-knuckle” because with the right pronunciation it sounds sophisticated and vaguely French.  If you say it with a smile and enough confidence people will just nod agreeably and assume it’s a fancy word that they should already know.  Then later you’ll hear the bride’s family warmly calling each other “douche-knuckles” and that’s when you know you’re really making a difference in other people’s lives.

Someone has to marry the assholes

·  Dear Bloggess:  I met the greatest guy ever. He's manly, but not afraid of talking about his feelings. He's totally punk rock, but he doesn't have a criminal record and has never been in a band. We come from the same sort of weirdness. There's nothing lacking. The only thing I'm worried about is that he is under-employed. Not that he doesn't want to work, or isn't looking. There's just not a lot of demand for his profession in this economy. Do I break up with a great guy because we're in "The Great Recession"? Or, do I hang on to him and hope for the best, like everyone else is with their stocks? ~ Jeni

This is basically a question of consistency.  Awesome guys often turn into assholes when they’re unemployed, but if he’s awesome even when he’s struggling to find a job it sounds like he’s consistently awesome.  Assholes are consistent too.  They’re consistently assholes.  An asshole is still an asshole no matter what kind of job he has.   It’s really up to you which kind of consistency you choose.  Personally, I’d go for awesome but it’s really up to you.  Someone has to marry the assholes.

·  Dearest Bloggess, So I'm quite the sexual libertine; I have sex about once a week with any of a handful of guys, but I'm on the pill and I always use protection so it's fine. Lately, however, I've found a guy who I'm totally into, and we've had sex every night for a week and one time we didn't use a condom. My poor little vagina is sore and burns. Did this sexy bastard give me an STD or am I just experiencing the consequences of having my fragile flower pounded on a nightly basis? Cheers. ~ Cezzy

If you’re having sex every week with a handful of guys then you need to be tested for STD’s regularly regardless of whether you’re using a condom.  There’s really no joke here.  Sometimes there’s not one.  Sorry about that.

·  Dear Bloggess: My roommate is really loud and annoying. I swear, everything she does is loud. She eats loudly, she showers loudly, she talks loudly, she listens to her music loudly, and she even sleeps loudly. How can I tell her this without looking like a douche-canoe? ~Phil

How do you know she showers loudly?  Are you in there with her?  If so, I think we found your problem.  Stop following your roommate into the shower.  It’s creepy and you need to quit it.  Unless you mean that she’s so loud that you can hear her showering while you’re in the living room.  Then you need to shove some hearing aids in her ears while she’s asleep and then when she wakes up she’ll think that the world suddenly got crazy loud and she’ll be way more quiet.  Or possibly she’ll get electrocuted in the shower from the hearing aids.  I don’t really know how hearing aids work.  Either way though I think I just solved your problem.

The secret of life. Or something like it.

·  Dear Bloggess: I am currently staying up to finish two (organic chemistry = deathdeathdeathstabmepleaseeeeee) labs. My question is: do I do the stabbing now or after I hand them in? Because me being dead either way doesn't really make my GPA do anything for me... but then again, I've already stayed up past God-knows-when to finish them and I might as well get them over with? Dilemma, dilemma.. help! ~ Indecisive Girl

Wow.  I probably should have answered this two weeks ago when you wrote this.  But if you’re still alive I’d just like to point out that you don’t really need organic chemistry.  I’ve never even heard of it and I’ve managed to become a productive member of society.  If something makes you want to stab yourself you should move away from that thing and move toward things that make you less stabby.  This is basically the secret of life: Move toward things that make you less stabby.  I should charge for this.

·  Dear Bloggess, What are your views on Mary Jane? ~ Kimber

I think she’s a little naïve, actually.  She sees Spider-Man crawling out of Peter Parkers window and just “naturally assumes” Peter is Spider-Man?  I think most women would naturally assume that Peter and Spider-Man are secret gay lovers.  This is why I suspect Mary Jane is homophobic.  Not a fan. 

·  Dearest Jenny The Bloggess (and current Czar of Martindale), I have a bit of a conundrum, I am a single dad of a wonderful 7 yr old girl. My daughter, from what I understand, will have boobies sooner rather than later. I will be taking her to get her first training bras when the time comes and I am worried that hitting on the lingerie store clerk might be seen as not "polite" or "socially acceptable" but I like to meet women and I figure one who knows lingerie would be pretty awesome, right? So do I flirt with the hypothetical clerk or not? ~ Super-awesome-amazing Dad

No.  No.  No.  You are absolutely not allowed to flirt with a lingerie clerk while your daughter is being fitted for a training bra.  In fact, you’re not even allowed to be there.  Trust me, you may scar your daughter for life if you take her to try on her first bra and also the clerk will think you’re creepy for taking your kid to a lingerie store instead of just going to Target like everyone else.  Plus, lingerie clerks get hit on all the time and will turn you down automatically.  Same goes with strippers and girls who work at porn shops.  Draft an aunt to take your daughter bra shopping when the time comes and just stick with speed dating.  It’s slightly less embarrassing for everyone involved.

Mexico doesn't want your bananas

·  Dear Bloggess; my manager is an over-bearing psycho-bitch micro-manager. I'd very much like to stuff her in a trunk of a car, drive it down to Mexico, and leave her there. Possibly, I would enjoy a well-made margarita while there, before turning around and coming home. The problem is, psycho- bitch is no small chick. So, my question is, if you had to stuff a bitch in a car and drive it down to Mexico, what kind of car would you use? I'm looking for good gas mileage plus sizable storage space. kthanxbye. ~ hannahbanana

This is a terrible idea because you have to get a permit to transport a corpse across state lines.  And entering a different country with a dead body is even more difficult.  Last time I drove over the border to Mexico I had to declare that I had bananas in the car and they were all kinds of pissy about it.  Bananas, for God’s sake.  I can’t even imagine how they’d react if you declared a corpse in the trunk.  Have you considered just finding a new job?  Maybe some place in Mexico?  Don’t bring your own bananas though.  They’re totally assholes about bananas there.

·  Dear Bloggess, I recently moved back to the town that I grew up in to take care of my mother. I moved away five years ago after graduating high school, did some "self discovery" and changed a few of my core values. This includes becoming a democrat and not gong to church anymore. The problem is that the lovely people that I grew up with are disillusioned and believe that I am the same conservative, bible thumping girl I used to be. Every Saturday I am bombarded with invitations to church and I am running out of ways/excuses to get out of it. How do I let the church folk down easy? ~ Toni

You have to be blunt with these people.  They’re often more tenacious than telemarketers because when they bring in guests they get bonus points that work like Marlboro Miles and at the end of the year they get a Nascar jacket or a boombox.  Also, some of them are generous people who just want to help you on your personal spiritual journey.  The problem is that it’s difficult to tell those two types of people apart so usually I just go with “You need to give up on me.  God and I have our own shit worked out.  It’s kind of private”.  Nobody questions you when you have your own private covenant with God.  And if they do question you just chuckle condescendingly and say “God said you’d have a hard time understanding.  He said to tell you he’ll explain it all to you when you’re ready to really listen”.  No one’s ever going to mess with you again.

·  Jenny, what do you think about circumcision being genital mutilation? Should we stop doing it unless medically necessary? I think America is the only country that does it almost automatically. Have you ever seen a circumcision on a baby? They strap them down to a "circum-straint. ~I have a hoo-ha

I don’t really have an opinion on this because I don’t have a penis but I was really relieved when I had a daughter so that I wouldn’t have to chose what style of genitals my kid should have.  That’s a weird decision to make.  My friend MikeD says he’s anti-circumcision because after he got snipped he couldn’t even walk for the next year but I’m pretty sure he was circumcised when he was born so I’m not sure those two things are related.  What I can tell you though is that when I was seven my mom pierced my ears and some people considered that to be “mutilation” but I thought it was kinda cute.  It was less cute though when we found out I was allergic to the earrings and my ears got infected and I threw up a lot.  I’m not sure if people can be allergic to circumcisions though.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I’m not really qualified to answer this question.  I probably should have mentioned that at the beginning.

And then I accidentally gave good advice

·  Hi Jenny, How do you tell a girl you're just not into her without getting stabbed and/or shot? Before this most recent girlfriend, I was totally drop-kicked to the curb and I don't want this most recent one to feel that same hurt. Or should I just grin and bear it? ~ JohKen

Honesty is the best policy in these cases, but with a few exceptions.  “I’m just not attracted to your body type” = immediate stabbing. 

“I’m still a bit immature and I’m not ready to get serious with anyone and I think you deserve to be with someone who’s serious about you” = less stabbing.  Always go for less stabbing if you have the choice. 

·  Dear Bloggess: So I have a friend that, on occasion, ditches me. I have become slightly numbed to her behavior and written off her rude ways as 'oh its just an Amber thing to do'. So today, after making plans with her to grab some lunch we leave it at I'll call her after I have a shower, long enough for her and I both to get ready. I call her back about half an hour later and she says ' I just need another 15 min' I'm all 'Okay, but I'm starving'. 40 min later she calls back saying she had to take a nap, I'm like 'great, I wish you could have told me that to begin with as my stomach is now eating itself' She then proceeds to tell me that I have a bad attitude. I'm in shock, and starving, and eating canned soup cuz that is all I have. I have been ditched yet again with her blaming my attitude. I'm not sure how to handle this. I hate losing fiends. Tell me what to do oh wise master. ~ Kirsten

Technically I understand why she’s blaming you.  She’s been very honest about the fact that she’s bitchy and inconsiderate and it’s a bit unfair for you to expect her to not be, since that’s just the kind of asshole she is.  Not that she’s a bad person.  Some of my very best friends are assholes.  Including me.  I have an anxiety disorder so every party I end up hiding in the bathroom.  Even parties I’m hosting.  Some people think that’s very rude but most of my friends just realize that it’s “a Jenny thing” and make the best of it by supplying me with wine and glasses so I can act as the bathroom bartender at parties.  The best thing to do is to never plan anything with Amber again.  Instead, make your own plans and tell her where you’ll be and suggest that she meet you there if she can, but never expect it.  And never wait for her if she says she’ll be right there.  Just tell her to meet you wherever you want to be next and that way you are in charge of your own life and she has to do the work to be your friend instead of vice versa.  This might actually be the only legitimately good advice I’ve ever given.  I think I’m coming down with something.

·  My dad farts too much. He claims that it isn't intentional, but I think otherwise. What can I do about it? ~ a paper bag

Maybe stop seeing your dad?  Or if you live with him just tell him that you’re very concerned about his health and that you read that farting more than four times a day in men over 40 is a possible sign of embarrassing cancer and an immediate colonoscopy and testicle exam is needed.  Men hate that shit.  Either he’ll stop farting around you or he’ll go in for the exams, which is technically a good idea anyway for someone his age.  You may have just saved your dad’s life.  Good job, hero.

Thumbs are fingers and ponies are assholes

Death by bacon

·  Dear Bloggess: Yesterday, I met the world's fattest cat. Like, my cat is pretty damn fat, and this cat made my cat look bulamerxic. (A mix of anorexic and bulimic.) Anyway, the owner is my boyfriend's dad's girlfriend and she is insane. She was feeding this cat bacon. BACON. How do I save this poor unfortunate feline? ~ CatActivist123

I appreciate your initiative but no one wants to be saved from bacon.  Even cats.  In fact, I would suspect that most cats would prefer death-by-bacon over death-by-being-hit-by-a-car or death-by-euthanasia-because-I-wouldn’t-stop-peeing-on-the-couch.  In fact, death-by-bacon sounds like an awesome way to go.  Now I’m craving a bacon sandwich.  Except the bread would be made of bacon.  And the mayonnaise is mixed with bacon bits. And it’s wrapped up in a napkin.  Made of bacon.  Mmmmm…bacon.

·  Question: So, I'm about to go on a three week religious fast and I need your sagely advice. Do clowns count as food? And if so, which food group? Cause I totally say they're in the meat category, but my husband says they're too fruity for that. Also, how many times can you get away with calling licorice a vegetable before people call bullshit on you? ~ CyraEm

You should never eat clowns because they taste funny.  *Rimshot*  Actually, you shouldn’t eat clowns because cannibalism is illegal and will give you brain lesions.  True story.  Licorice is sort of a vegetable since it’s made from a root so I think you can get away with your claims. Surprisingly though, licorice can be deadly when eaten in large amounts and recently a woman was hospitalized for eating too much.  So I guess technically it’s kind of healthier to eat clowns than it is to eat licorice.  Maybe skip both of them and have some healthy bacon instead.

·  Question: When trying to get to my seat a movie theatre or sporting event, do I face my ass or my crotch towards the other patrons? ~ Lily

Always choose ass.  Because if you put your crotch toward their face you’ll be looking down at them to make sure you don’t hit them with your crotch and they’ll be looking at your crotch because it’s right there screaming “Look at me!  I’m a crotch!” and then they’ll notice that you’re looking at them looking at your crotch and then it’s awkward for everyone.  This never happens with ass. 

The All-Penis Edition

·   Dear Bloggess:  I just noticed that my, and all men's, avatars on this site are women. That is so sexist! I'm worried that you might be all "anti-penis". Please tell me you aren't anti-penis.... ~ Michel

I’m a big fan of the penis and my understanding is that the avatars are actually modeled after Prince Valiant so they’re surprisingly masculine.  But just to make you feel more comfortable, today I’m going to search the unanswered questions for penis-related queries and we'll have an all-penis edition.  You’re welcome.

·    Dear Bloggess: I come to you in this my hour of need for a second opinion: I am re-entering the dating scene and there is an outside chance I may have sex again. As an expression of individuality, pride of heritage and some desperation for attention I'm considering getting genital artwork done. Instead of the now pedestrian piercings I am looking into the feasibility of having my foreskin pleated so as to resemble to the greatest degree possible, a kilt. ~ Toombearassedtosay

Wow.  Okay, genital manipulation is becoming more and more fashionable and I applaud anything that makes you feel more comfortable in your own skin.  Except that I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to have enough foreskin to make an entire kilt out of.  Have you seen a doctor?  Although I haven’t actually seen an uncircumcised penis up close so maybe that’s normal?  Hang on.  Let me look up pictures of uncircumcised penises.

Okay, done.  No.  You should not have enough foreskin to make a kilt.  At most you should have enough to make your penis look like it’s wearing an oversized hoodie.  Which is kind of adorable.  Uncircumcised penises look like rap stars.  Tiny, adorable rap stars.  So now you know.  Go see a doctor, sir.

·    Dear Bloggess: I would still masturbate if I had a waffle penis. I would just do it with syrup and butter. Strike that...syrup and margarine. I'm watching my weight. ~ bleaty

Huh.  This isn’t actually a question.

·    Dear Bloggess:  My mom told me that every time I touch my penis God kills a kitten.  Is that true?  Now all I can think about is all the angry murdered kittens waiting for me in Heaven.  I almost peed on myself last week because it took so long for me to shake my penis out of my pants without using my hands. ~Bobby

Bobby, your mom is a liar.  You’re going to strain something important if you keep this up.  Your penis is your friend, not your enemy.

·    Dear Bloggess:  PENISPENISPENISPENISPENISBABABOOEYPENIS ~PENIS

Yeah.  I think we’re done here.

Get your heart out of your vagina

·  Dear Bloggess: Am I a bad mom if I laugh at my kid when he falls down? ~Lokweesha

 No, you’re not a bad mom.  It’s human nature to laugh when someone else falls down.  Unless he fell down because you pushed him over the edge of a steep, jagged cliff because you thought that would be funny.  Then you’re some kind of monster.  So I guess the answer here is “maybe”?

·  Question: Is it bad form to accuse people of human trafficking? ~ beausaphine

 It depends on what they’re actually doing.  I had a friend who told me he worked in human trafficking but it turns out he was just a crossing guard at an elementary school and he thought “human trafficker” sounded sexier than “crossing guard”.  I told him that using his same reasoning I worked in the sex industry because technically I’d just produced a child using only my vagina.  He didn’t think that was the same thing at all.  Probably because men have double standards. 

·  Dear Bloggess, I am engaged to a man I love with all my heart, and we have a great sex life, but my vagina loves other penises as well. It loves two others, and really misses them. What do I do? Tell my vagina to knock it off because my heart and mind made the choice? I’m so confused. Please help. ~ Split ideas

Listen to your heart.  Your real heart.  Not your vagina’s heart.  Your vagina doesn’t even have a heart.  Because it’s a vagina.  This is all basic biology here. 

Have a burning question that you need help with?  Leave it in the comments, people.  

Use twitter or you're going to get murdered

·    Dear Bloggess:  Why won’t everyone stop asking me to get on twitter? ~ Georgia

Because twitter is awesome.  Also because it eats up several hours of your day and so you fall behind all of the other people who aren’t using twitter so we need everyone on so that we all stay even productivity-wise.  It would be like if suddenly 10% of your friends turned into vampires who didn’t have to sleep anymore and they used that time to better themselves and they took all the good jobs and got the promotion you were up for because you had to be unfairly unconscious while they were off taking night classes like a bunch of assholes.  Then we’d have to kill those 10% so that we could make it even again.  And also we’d have to kill them because they’re dangerous vampires.  Mostly because of the job competition thing though.  We’re still in a recession, y’all.  So basically get on twitter or you might be murdered is what I’m telling you.  Luckily for you I already wrote a small tutorial on how to not use twitter.  Is it cheating if I just link to it here?  Too bad.  Here it is.  I also have a short warning on what to do when twitter starts to molest you, which was much more valid before they changed the wording on twitter.  I can only assume twitter did this on purpose to fuck with me.

Above all, twitter is about using discretion, attacking William Shatner and getting really unhelpful advice.  Also, it’s to ask people if they remember the “Tato Skins commercial from the 80’s” when everyone else at your dinner party is all “What the fuck are you talking about?”  The people on twitter know the Tato Skin song and will sing it to you and make fun of the people at your dinner party for making you feel stupid.  Then you’ll show everyone at the party your twitter responses on your phone and you’ll be all “SEE!” and your husband will accuse you of being addicted to twitter and you will be all “I cannot believe you just said that” and then you’ll tweet that shit out and everyone else on twitter will not be able to believe it either and your husband will say that you are proving his point but you’ll be too busy reply to all your replies to yell at him so twitter just saved you from fighting.  If anything, my husband owes twitter a thank you letter.

Sadly, people on twitter are also very good at tweeting out meaningless crap which should not be tweeted at all and then retweeting meaningless crap written by someone else just in case you missed it.  Especially if it comes from a celebrity.  If you see something like “RT @Oprah: ‘I’m in the make-up chair now.’  ZOMG OPRAH, I like eyeshadow!” you should immediately unfollow that person and also block them and send them a cobra in the mail.  Or just ignore them.  Or make fun of them.  Whatever works best for you.  That’s the great thing about twitter.  There are no rules. 

In fact, I’m going to spend this morning retweeting shit that shouldn’t be retweeted because it sounds like fun and it distracts me from all my looming deadlines.  You should do that too so that we all fall behind together.  This is what community is all about, y’all.

It's pronounced "abortion"

·   Dear Bloggess, I recently went in for a female procedure called an ablation and learned that they couldn't do it because my uterus is too small. WTF? My question is this, what kind of life can I possibly expect to have with a pygmy uterus? Will I need to go to Africa to find a suitable mate? Signed: confused uterus

I don’t know what “ablation” is and I'm too lazy to look it up so I’m just going to assume you mean “abortion”.  When I had my abortion (it was medically necessary, pro-lifers.  Stop yelling at me) the intern filling out the paperwork asked me a series of questions while I was in the hospital bed including “Are you currently pregnant?” and I was all “Uh…Sort of?” and she was like “Well, you can’t have this procedure if you’re pregnant!” and I was all “I can’t have an abortion if I’m pregnant?  Are you fucking kidding me?” and then the doctor came over and apologized for the intern being such an insensitive dumb-ass.  You probably had the same intern.  That girl is a damn menace. 

·    Dear Bloggess: I have a boss that is a bona fide asshole. He is completely worthless; he rides our coat tails (does anyone actually use this phrase anymore?) and is a thunder stealing glory whore who spreads his legs any chance he gets. How do you deal with a shady ass douche-baggy manager? ~ Misty

Write a really brilliant hard-copy report to hand to your boss’s boss and then tell your boss that you can’t find the original but that it was really good.  Wait until his boss says it’s brilliant and your boss takes credit for writing it.  Then type out a new version that’s all about the benefits of injecting heroin into babies and why cannibalism should be legalized and tell your boss’s boss that you’re so sorry but you just realized you accidentally gave him a report that you’d written and that the cannibalism one was the one that your boss actually wrote and tell him to please not tell your boss that you’d accidentally given him the wrong report because your boss will threaten to inject your baby with heroin.  Again.  Then walk quickly out of the office.  You may get fired when they sort all this out but it’ll probably be totally be worth it.

·   Dear Bloggess - Hell's Kitchen is an awesome show. I like when Gordon Ramsay yells at people. "Donkey!" I don't know why I like that so much. I mean, an angry British man calling someone the most horrible names for undercooking meat. It seems an odd fascination, for sure. You should watch the show if you haven't because people are really funny when confronted with in-your-face British anger. I don't have a question. ~ mayopie

Once when I was in New York Victor took me to Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant and it was total crap.  True story.  And the whole time I kept saying “WTF?  This is the dog’s dinner” and Victor was all “Why do you keep saying that?” and I was like “Because that’s what Gordon Ramsay always says" and Victor was all “What?  He never says that” so I googled it and couldn’t find anything to back up my claim.  I can only assume that Victor deleted it from the internet when I was in the bathroom.  That’s why now I always take his blackberry with me into the bathroom so he can't fuck-up the internet just to suit his needs.  I don’t really have an answer here.

Cats in wigs: It doesn't *always* work.

·  Dear Bloggess:  I didn't really like your answer to "What if everything you touched turned to waffles?" way back when. Wanna try again? Cordially and Everlastingly, Michael.

Fine.  If everything we touched turned to waffles then no one would ever masturbate again. 

·  Dear Bloggess:  What’s the saddest food in the world?  What’s the sexiest food in the world.? ~ M

The saddest food ever is sesame seeds because they look like tear drops.  The sexiest food ever is also sesame seeds because if you turn them upside down they look like tiny vampire fangs.  Vampires are always sexy.  Even the tiny ones.  Unless it’s a baby vampire.  If you think a baby vampire is sexy then you probably need to see someone.

Dear Bloggess, I have recently become moderately obsessed with buying my kitty a "confidence wig." The problem is that my cat is a boy, and while I want him to have confidence, I just think it will be awkward for him to have GIRL'S wig. So, I guess my question is, do I make my own cat's wig (toupee?) myself out of hair from India or something, or do I just let him live with the shame of his own fur? BTW, I really feel the Electric Blue is the most reasonable option out of all of them. Thanks! ~ hannahbanana

True story: I bought my cat a pink confidence wig once but she refused to wear it so instead my male cat wore it.  Because he’s secure in his masculinity.  And also because cats don’t have preconceived notions about sexuality and are confused about why you’re putting wigs on them.  Still, Posey (boy cat) looked totally hot and Rolly (girl cat) refused to wear anything other than a rooster hat.  And even that she didn’t really do with flair.  Some cats just don’t have the kind of faces that look good in hats, I guess.  My point here is that you should just let your cats be themselves and not force them to wear unflattering hats.  Instead, just shave “I’m a bad-ass” into their fur so that no one fucks with them.  I don’t know.  I’m not really that great with animals.

Everybody whacks

·    Dear Bloggess, Why don't "they" ever give people all the information? Is it a conspiracy or what? ~ Dawn

Who is “they”?  Are “they” babies?  Because babies just lack the cognitive capacity and language skills to communicate fully.  You should just ask them simple questions that require one-word answers.  Things like: “What does a horsey say?”  “Want some pudding?”  “Does the 310 bus to Cleveland stop here?”  Those are all good questions to ask babies.

·    Dear Bloggess: I wasn't even going to comment until I saw that my Captcha was going to be "President whacks". I love Obama, but that was more than I really needed to know. ~ Mary

Everybody whacks, Mary.  It’s just a fact of life.  That’s why I never shake hands with people.  Instead I just hug them because it’s more friendly and also because almost no one whacks off with their torso.

·    Dear Bloggess, I have a problem that was caused by one of the weirder accidents that I have ever experienced. My dogs need the blinds partially open or they destroy the house. I was involved in some horizontal recreation time when my alarm chirped, meaning that a door opened. My wife left the garage door not quite latched and alarm went off. When she insisted that I see who was there to axe-murder us, I walked through the house in an indecent state. (It's my freaking house, right?) Here's the real problem: My next door neighbor now acts like I am a pedophile or something, so I guess she must have seen me walking around with a woody. I can't stab this poor lady, because she is pregnant with her second child. I can't talk to this lady about what I think happened, because I don't really know what she saw. (“You know when you saw me the other day with a woody, I promise I wasn't showing off for you.”) ~Not Shy Enough Woody

Tell your neighbor that you want to apologize for anything your twin brother may have said or done to her in the last few weeks because you just found out that he went off his meds and so you’ve committed him to an institution.  Now whenever you do something fucked up you can just blame it on your imaginary twin brother who occasionally crashes at your house and walking around naked.  Plus, you’ll seem like a saint for taking care of your mentally-unstable brother.  Unfortunately now every time your neighbor sees you she’s not going to know if it’s you or your twin so I suggest yelling “I’M NOT MY CRAZY BROTHER” every time you see her just to put her at ease.  Or maybe just move.  Those are both good options.

It's a real word but I amn't going to use it.

·   Dear Bloggess: I need you to think hypothetically here. If you were to say in a sentence "I am not", would you be able to say "I amn't"?   xoxo, Little grey

James Joyce used the word “amn’t” in Ulysses (true story) so that kind of makes it fair game, although people will probably make fun of you a lot whenever you use it.  Personally I’m a big fan of the contraction “shouldn’t’ve” and I used it on a memo once and got a nasty response from my boss who scratched it out and wrote “This isn’t a real word, Jenny.  The correct phrase is ‘shouldn’t of’.  These are the kind of mistakes that reflect poorly on all of us in the department.”  Then I cried at my desk a little bit.

·   Dear Bloggess: so what I want to know is this: what happens to the guy if you have pop rocks in your mouth whilest giving him a bj? ~ cokahantas

I assume it’s a lot like giving someone a blow job with a mouthful of sharp gravel.  Which also explodes.  And that can get lodged up in your urethra.  In short? It’s probably awesome.  Or incredibly painful.  Maybe both.  Depends on what you’re into, I suppose.

·   Dear Bloggess, I was just cast in a play (my first ever) and I'm told I might have to take some clothes off, and possible kiss another woman. Should I do it? If not, how should I tell the director that I'm just not comfortable with that? Or should I just suck it up and do it for the art? (I'm not really the type of girl people usually want to see strip naked -- just saying). Help. ~ Ashley

Dear Ashley, does this play take place on a closed set?  Does it smell like astroglide and shame?  Is there another character that walks in during the middle of your lesbian kiss to “fix the cable”?  If so you have found yourself cast in an amateur porno.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Unless you aren’t comfortable being in porn, in which case you should leave.  Trust your gut and never do anything that makes you uncomfortable.  Especially amateur porn because they usually don’t even offer you dental benefits.  It’s not really a great job choice for anyone.

·   Dear the Bloggess: why me? ~ forlorn

 Remember the time that you ran over that gypsy with your car?  That’s why.

Word Captcha is scaring me

·    Dear Bloggess, OK it's time to come clean, and I am not referring to anything antiseptic. 1) I'm a guy... 2) I read your blog... 3) Because you're hilariously hysterical. Hilarical. Is there anything wrong with that? I mean if my guy friends find out will they kick the shit out of me? Not because the blog is really intended for chicks, but rather due to the fact that I am reading a blog at all??? I could use one of your patented bail-out lines, but if you could hyper-masculate it, gee that would be swell. BTW the two Captcha words I had to enter were "train & whizzing" which ironically is hyper-masculine in and of itself. ~ JohKen

JohKen, lots of guys read this blog.  In fact, according to my metrics, this blog is heavily followed by someone in Rockwall Texas.  You know who lives in Rockwall Texas?  Chuck-Motherfucking-Norris.  Chuck Norris reads this blog.  Probably. And every time Chuck Norris checks this blog everyone else reading it immediately gets pregnant.  And the babies aren’t delivered by c-section.  They’re delivered by roundhouse kicks.  Internal roundhouse kicks.  From the Chuck Norris babies.  So, yeah.  This is the kind of blog where you run the risk of being impregnated and then disemboweled by Chuck Norris’s baby.  That’s how bad-ass it is. 

·    My captcha was "cowles three" which instantly gave me a mental picture of 3 hooded cocknuckles. I think there may be some kind of interesting new I-Ching thing going on here...perhaps it IS a prediction of what you need most in your life?? ~ Tea Silvestre

·    Apparently, today is not the day for Couriers. According to your CAPCHA, they are going to be fined. Your advice column is predicting the future now. ~ Michelle

·    My captcha is "An Climaxes" My name isn't an - and why does SHE get to climax and I don't?! I feel cheated. ~ JJ

 ·    Since we're all on the subject of captchas, mine is "the gnawn" and that just sounds like the title of a really bad horror movie. Who gnawed them? And why? Is this about Jeffrey Dahmer's victims? Gross. I forgot my question. The Gnawn of the Dead? Red Gnawn? Persona Gnawn Grata? These aren't questions. ~ Just A Girl

Huh.  I think you people are taking these word captcha things way too seriously.  It’s not like the word captcha is sending you secret messages or horrific poetry that makes you wonder if it’s just a random coincidence or if I need to start sleeping with a gun.  Except that I just tried the word captcha for the first time and now I'm going to have to start sleeping with two guns and Chuck Norris's baby because what the fuck does this mean?

   "Legless Scalper" 

    "Forlorn Asylum"

    "Washroom felony"

"Amorally maim"

"Detailed nippling"

   "Pulsated it"

   "Stroked it"

This is when I decided to stop because I was beginning to get aroused/nauseous but I decided to try it one more time.

  "Poor Journalism"

Touché, word captcha.

It's a total waste of Pop Rocks.

·   Jenny, What happens when you feed Pop Rocks to pigeons? –Caitlin

Nothing.  The pigeons won’t eat them and the Pop Rocks get stuck to your driveway and then you get ants.  Everyone loses.  This isn’t a funny answer but it’s an important one if you'd like to avoid a complete ant infestation. It’s too late for me.  Thanks a lot, Caitlin.

·   Jenny, my friends all tell me that I'm really pretty, and I think I'm fairly nice, and get along with people very well. I have never had a boyfriend before, or even been kissed. Unless you count when you are passed out, drunk. Anyways, my question is, what is wrong with me? Am I destined to be a cat lady forever? - Cat Lady In Waiting

Kinda sounds like you’re a dangerous sexual predator, my friend.  You’re not actually supposed to kiss people when they’re unconscious.  That’s assault.  My advice to you is to worry less about getting a boyfriend and worry more about getting arrested because that shit’s going to happen unless you stop molesting unconscious people.  Unless you meant that you were kissed when you were passed out, in which case just ignore all of that stuff I said and just join a dating site.  Or maybe pass out more often if that seems to work for you.  Or just pretend to be passed out and then when you get kissed spring on him like a bear trap.  A sexy, sexy bear trap.

·  Dearest the bloggest, my serious medical question: I have two toothpastes. One is "natural" but I've been told doesn't completely eliminate morning breath. The other is mainstream and eliminates bad breath but makes the inside of my mouth all peely. Which one should I use? xxoxo, mylittlebecky

Morning breath is unappealing but you know what’s even worse?  The smell of someone’s rotting mouth-skin peeling off.  That’s not good for anyone.  I’m no doctor but it sounds like you probably have horrible mouth cancer.  Or possibly you just ate some really hot pizza and you burned off the skin on the roof of your mouth.  Or maybe it’s an allergy.  I don’t know.  I’m not a doctor.  But if I was a doctor I’d probably tell you that you have cancer and then after you stopped crying I’d tell you that I was just kidding and that it’s really just an allergy because then you might still feel self-conscious about the morning breath thing but compared to having mouth cancer you’d probably feel like peely-mouth-allergy was a blessing. I would be an amazing doctor. 

Sexomnia: No one's falling for it, asshole.

·   Dear Bloggess:  My male friend told me that he was a sexomniac which is supposedly someone who has sex while asleep and then has no memory of it.  First off I was really weirded out by this but my question is a) do you think he’s making some kind of excuse in case he should try something with me? and b)have you ever even heard of anything like this? ~ Melissa

According to the internet, sexomnia does exist but the internet also says that Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite and that gang members are hiding under your car to stick you with syringes filled with AIDS so you can’t really trust anything you read there.   I’m pretty sure this guy is just laying the groundwork so he can assault you.  Next time he brings up being a sexomniac tell him that you understand his pain because you’re a stabaholic but that it’s not usually a problem for you because you only stab people who are trying to rape you while you’re sleeping.  Then smile and be like “Good luck with that.”  Also, you should probably start sleeping with a knife.  But for God’s sake, don’t put it under your pillow or you will stab yourself in the neck.  That totally happened to me once.  True story.

·   Dear Jenny (and readers), As a straight female, how many people can you have sex with until it means you are a slut? ~ Bonobo Ho

Men consider you to be a slut if you have sex with anyone who isn’t them.  And also, if you sleep with them once and then with anyone else ever again.  Women consider you to be a slut as soon as you've slept with one more guy than they have or when they don’t like your hair.  Basically you’re kind of fucked no matter what.  This is why I suggest only having sex with strangers that no one will ever know about or just with people you’re in a long-term relationship with.  Or maybe just stop caring about what those whores are labeling you as.  Because at the end of the day the only person who gets to judge you is yourself.  Unless you’ve slept with more people than I have.  Then you’re totally a slut. 

·   Dear The Bloggess: So at lunch today my boyfriend and I were discussing baby showers and how I do not like attending them because there are only so many times in your life that you can coo over ass cream (as in diaper rash cream) and be okay with it. The boyfriend assumes that the a$$ cream is for the mom. You know, as in lubrication for rectal rangering during the time that the mom isn't allowed to do the normal kind of sexy fun post-birth-giving. So my question is this? What in tarnation does my boyfriend think goes on at a baby shower? What should I do with this? Is it better that he thinks back-door-bingo is what he should expect after a baby instead of Blow-Pop-fun? I'm so confused. Best, Random

Wow.  I’m confused too.  How have I lived this long without ever hearing the phrase “rectal-rangering” before?  Because honestly, it kind of sings.  Except that my spell-check keeps trying to tell me that phrase doesn't exist and that instead I want “rectal-angering”.  Honestly, I don't think I want either one.  I don’t really have an answer for you but that phrase was just too good not to share.  I salute you (and your extremely misled and destined-to-be-disappointed boyfriend).

Do you have any idea how many times you've read this?

Hi.  You’ve probably come here for advice.  Well, too fucking bad.  You know why?  Because this is Groundhog day and I’ve been re-living this day for the last 15 years.  I know, this is when you say that I’ve just stolen this plot from that Bill Murray movie but I’ve never seen that movie so I wouldn’t actually know.  But I do know that that’s what you’re going to say because YOU SAY IT EVERY DAY.  Except now you won’t because you just read this and now you’re too freaked out to leave that comment.  Also? Yes, I’ve tried to see the movie but it’s always rented out and the clerk always says “It’ll be available tomorrow” and THAT DOESN’T FUCKING HELP ME. 

So here’s my advice to you: Do whatever you want to do. 

Seriously.  Live like there’s no tomorrow because guess what?  There isn’t.  Want to go dancing?  Do it.  Want to eat an entire brick of cheese?  Go for it.  Want to tell that cute boy you have a crush on that he should kiss you?  Now’s the time.

In fact, what is the one thing that you would do right now if it was the last day of the world?  GO DO THAT. 

Unless it’s something like crashing tankers filled with powdered Jell-O into the ocean so that the sea turns into Jell-O and all the giant squid get trapped like pineapple chunks because I actually tried that like two years ago and it totally didn’t work.  Probably because of the high salt content.  I don’t know.  I’m not a scientist.

But what I do know is that you should ask yourself what you really, really want to do and (if it doesn’t hurt anyone or involve Jell-O) you should do it.

And that’s kind of good advice whether it’s a never-ending, repeating Groundhog’s day or not.  Yay me.

PS.  Yes, I am aware that this post would have been more helpful this morning so you could have avoided going in to work but I have to rewrite this thing every fucking day and sometimes I get a little distracted and forget to post it until the end of the day.  Sorry.  I’ll post it earlier tomorrow.  Promise.

PPS.  Why are you still here?  Go.  Have fun.  I’ll see you again tomorrow.

Sometimes these questions scare me

·    Dear Bloggess, If a cat always lands on its feet and buttered toast always lands facedown, which would be true if you strapped a piece of buttered toast face-up on a cats back and launched it out the window? I tried it once but couldn't get the cat to stop trying to eat the toast off of his back. It was too hilarious to watch and I was laughing so hard that I didn't have the heart to launch him out the window. I think I may have been high and it's really hard to accomplish things when you're in that state. ~ Yvonne

First off, doing experiments on live animals is cruel and I’m totally against that.  Secondly?  The cat lands sideways. 

I know…you’re wondering how I know this.  It’s because I just tried it.  But with a dead cat so no harm done.  The cat landed sideways.  Then my neighbors started yelling at me but I’m not sure why because they knew the cat was already dead.  I mean, they fucking buried it.  I can only assume they were mad that I was trespassing but if they didn’t want me in their backyard then maybe they should have buried the cat in the park.   Or possibly they were mad that I was on their roof.  But, as I explained, they have a two-story and I only have a one-story and I needed the extra height for the experiment.  I tried to explain this but apparently my neighbors hate science.  Or maybe they were mad that I was wasting all that buttered bread.  Hard to tell. 

PS. I just went next door to explain that I understood their concern about me wasting food but they slammed the door in my face before I could even finish.  Probably because they thought I was referring to their cat instead of the buttered toast strapped to their dead cat.  I mean, I thought it was pretty obvious but grieving can fuck with your mind so I yelled “NO ONE WAS GOING TO EAT YOUR CAT” just to reassure them. It’s kind of sad that I even have to explain that sort of thing.

·    Dear Bloggess How do I get my wife to give me blow-jobs? Thanks Drolgerg

Ask your wife what silly thing would she’d really, really like to have but won’t buy because she thinks it’s a waste of money?  Then buy whatever it is for her.  Like for me it’s Blythe dolls and petticoats.  Can’t get enough of them.  Then when she’s all happy and asks why you decided to buy that for her say “I just like to see you happy.”  Then when she asks what you’d like to be happy say “I already have it” and kiss her on the forehead.  BAM.  Your wife’s underwear just melted.  Then a few seconds later good-naturedly add, “Of course, I wouldn’t mind a jet pack like Iron Man” and she’ll be all “Well, if they existed I’d totally get one for you” and then laugh along with her and say “Or sailing around on my enormous yacht would do.  While getting a blow job, of course.”  Then she’ll laugh along with you but in the back of her mind it’ll stick and later that night you’ll probably get a blowjob.  Unless she’s not into subtlety.  Then maybe wrap a shiny necklace around your penis and then she’ll have to use her mouth to pull it off.  But that only works if you’ve married a chick that doesn’t have hands because otherwise she’s just going to use her fingers.  Does your wife have hands?  These are the kinds of details I need when you’re asking questions, you guys. 

·    Oh, mighty and humble Bloggess, please bestow upon me your infinite wisdom in this difficult matter...I married a total a-hole because I got knocked up with his baby. Even though it was a rather tasteful and classy shotgun wedding, now I'm not so sure it was the brightest idea. I mainly did it to keep my jerk-off mother from calling my fetus a bastard child. Anyway, the baby ripped my va-hina on his way out and made sex painful for me. The a-hole hubby thinks all women are like porn stars and that I should want to happily take it up the pooper and then suck it off before he blows a load in my face. I would much rather just get a back rub, but even his back rubs hurt me they are so rough. Do I give the a-hole permission to go screw other chicks and live a sexless life? Or do I leave him, in which case he will go screw other chicks and I will live a sexless life back at home with my jerk-off mother? Oh, woe is me. Please help! ~ LMNOP

Wow.  Is this for real?  Honestly, is this a real letter?  Because it sounds like something pulled straight from a Lifetime movie.  One that stars Valerie Bertinelli and ends with a murder.  Run, sweetie.  If this is real, run away now.   

My new favorite word

 ·    Dear The Bloggess, how come every time I read your columns one of the recaptcha words is "crowbar"? Are you hinting at what you want for your birthday? Should I be looking for appropriately sized boxes? I mean, I already have your address and the crowbar, but I'm not sure of the etiquette in this situation. Do I just mail it to you or should I fly out there and give it to you in person? Thanks! ~ Koriina

 I don’t have any control over the comment verification thing but maybe PNN is doing it because they know I need a crowbar?  That’s so weird.  And sweet.  Please bring it to me in person.  To paraphrase Nelson Mandela: It never hurts to have a second pair of prints on a crowbar.  Or maybe it was Nelson Muntz who said that.  I may have just dreamt it.  Regardless, it’s pretty kick-ass advice.

·    Dear Bloggess: My friend's ex boyfriend is a raving douchecicle. When she broke up with him because: he was not technically single, a liar, had a spending problem, went bankrupt, and had just quit his job (or was fired - we're not sure), she let him continue to live in her house rent free (she was living overseas). 6 months later he was supposed to be out before she got back, and she didn't want to see him anymore because he's a Major-Assclown so I acted as the middleman. After a week of fighting about it, numerous sad tales of woe, police threats, he FINALLY left the keys and a big fuk'n aquarium with fish in it for us to deal with. We emptied it and put it on the lawn for him to get whenever he wanted, and then 2 days later he said he wanted the aquarium and his shoe polish collection back. Since he was such a cocknuckle to us I was wondering if you had any good ideas for what we should do in revenge? If it involves fish, it would be even more appropriate. ~ Saviour of the Fish

There's really nothing you can do to humiliate a man who is so far down that he’s concerned about his collection of shoe polish.  Life has beaten you to it.  But I am glad you stopped by because “cocknuckle” has just replaced “douche-canoe” as my new favorite word. “Cocknuckle.”  It’s awesome.  Also, when you say it out loud you sound vaguely British which is kind of a bonus.  Cocknuckle.  I honestly can’t stop saying it. 

·    Dear Bloggess, I am seeing this boy who likes to constantly remind me that he's not in love with me to save me from getting hurt. I'm not in love with him, nor do I imply that I am. He also wants to keep things open so that he can find someone to fall in love with. Yes. I know, why do I continue to hang out with him you ask? Because it's the best damn sex I've ever had (and I've been around the block and back). So, do I hang around for the good ol' in out in out, or should I just move along so I can find someone who might actually fall in love with me? ~ sexerciser

It depends on what you want.  There’s nothing wrong with meaningless sex (use a condom, for God’s sakes) if that’s what you really want but it can’t be good for your ego to have this guy continually remind you how much he’s not in love with you.  That’s like the worst foreplay ever.  Here a hint: Vibrators almost never hurt your feelings.  If, however, you do decide to keep seeing this guy I’d suggest taking back the upper-hand and begin reminding him how much you’re not interested in him.  Like maybe tap him on the shoulder during sex and be all “Hey, just wanted to remind you that I’m not really that into you.  Just so we’re clear.  Okay, you can continue”.  Then call him a “cocknuckle”.  But do it in a tender and endearing way so that he’s not sure if he should be insulted or not.  He totally should be but it’s good to keep him guessing.

Vagina staples: Proof that Hollywood's just fucking with you

·    Dear Bloggess, Why are infomercials out to get me? Everything looks sooo amazing on infomercials! Sham-wows, Mighty putty, Miracle ear, Perfect Brownies, the list goes on and on. The problem, you get them home and they don't work. I recently bought the touch and brush, and it fell on the floor and broke. If the touch and brush never works, I may have to end it all. Help me before I buy the big-top-cupcake. ~ Stalker Karen

Is the “Perfect Brownie” that pan that looks like a maze so that all the pieces are crusty end pieces?  Because I hate end pieces and it’s kind of pissing me off that scientists are focused on putting more end-piece brownies in the world when there are more important things that they could be working on.  Like curing cancer, for example.  Or developing brownies that have no crusty end pieces at all.  My point? Stop buying that shit, Karen.  You’re only encouraging them.

·    Dear Bloggess, So Jennifer Love Hewitt bedazzled her junk.  Should we all do that? Do you want a little disco ball 'down there'? ~ Rachel Y

The first time I read this I was under the impression that she truly bedazzled her vagina and I was quite concerned because Bedazzlers work like staplers and I think it’s morally reprehensible that Jennifer Love Hewitt is encouraging girls to staple their vaginas.  Then I researched it and turns out she just likes to glue Swarovski crystals to her cooter so it would “look like a disco ball” and that totally makes sense because, yeah…who doesn’t want to fuck a disco ball?  I’m getting my hot glue gun warmed up right now.  In fact, I just got a call from the local homeless shelter asking if I could serve food today and I was all “Oh, I’d love to help the homeless but I’m too busy gluing Swarovski crystals to my vagina.”  You could tell from the silence on the other end of the phone that they totally understood.

·    Dear Bloggess, So yeah, we have this tenant who rents our basement and he has some kind of sinus problem that causes him to hack and cough and gag. He has been like this since he moved in about a month ago. It is completely grossbuckets and it is driving me mental. My question is twofold: what the hell is he trying to cough up that would take a *month* to get out? Should I just go buy some damn Mucinex and give it to him or should I smother him in his sleep? The latter would be cheaper and also I would not have to leave the house. Thanks, Staje

Most likely your tenant licked an envelope that had beetle eggs on it and now the eggs are hatching and he’s coughing up live beetles.  I recommend fumigation.  Or maybe he just has tuberculosis, which is actually a pretty serious disease.  Still, it’s better than coughing up live beetles.  Unless you really like beetles.  Then it’s not as bad.  This is all pretty basic common-sense stuff here. 

I'm not pregnant, asshole.

·    Dear Bloggess: Should I let my nose piercing close up or not? I am conflicted. You are wise & I seek your guidance. ~ holly

Holly:  You should never let any of your piercing holes close up because then your body starts to believe it can magically close-up all of your holes and then one day you wake up and discover that both of your nostrils have grown over.  Now you have to breathe through your mouth. Then your brain is all “Let’s heal ALL these holes!” and then bam...there goes your vagina.  You’re going to need your vagina, Holly.  Trust me on this one.

·   Dear Bloggess: Do you think Facebook flirting is cheating if you are married? I guess what I mean is online chat sex, cuz it's WAY past flirting. What if it makes you feel sexy again and only makes you want to jump your husband's bones more often? Am I a modern married woman, or just a whore? ~ Annie Ominous 

Yes, it’s cheating.  Instead you should use a chat robot to flirt with because that’s like mental masturbation and no one gets hurt.  

Actual screenshot conversation between me and Splotchy the ChatBot below:  

Why is that screenshot so fucking tiny?  I have no idea.  I blame Splotchy.  Unless you have bionic eyes you'll have to click over here to read the full-sized conversation.  Which was horrific and quite insulting.  So you know what?  Maybe just stick to Facebook flirting after all.  Because robots are assholes who will make you feel fat and fuck up your advice column.

I may need to increase my medication

·    Dear Bloggess, Dieting is such a pain in the ass!! Do you know of any diets that actually work? I need to lose 20 pounds. ~ anon

How fast do you need to lose the 20 pounds?  If you have a few months you can do it with diet and exercise.  If it’s for something this weekend I suggest amputation.  Unfortunately, most doctors won’t perform cosmetic amputations unless it’s for a really good reason like incurable frostbite or if you have a high school reunion to go to.  I’m not 100% sure about the high school reunion thing, but if I was a doctor I’d totally count that as an emergency.  If you can’t find a doctor to amputate then just remove everything from your body that you don’t need.  Pee, exfoliate your feet, pluck your eyebrows, shave your head, remove an eye.  In fact, last month my eye doctor told me I’d had a chunk of cornea gouged out of my eye.  I was all “WTF?” and she was like “Oh, that’s very common” and I’m all “No, it’s not and it’s never happened to me before but it just happened to my husband last month and now it’s happening to me?  How is that a coincidence?!” and she’s all “I’m not House, MD.  I’m just an eye doctor”.  I can only assume that there’s some sort of elf in my house with a tiny melon-baller scooping out bits of eye while we sleep.  So, kind of like the tooth fairy, but with eyes.  And then when I got all freaked out and started raving about how I needed my cornea the doctor was all “Relax.  It totally grows back” which was reassuring but then I thought “If your eyes can regenerate then how do they know when to stop growing?  Like maybe I have enormous eyeballs inside my skull and that’s why I’ve gained 5 pounds this month and also why I have a headache.  Because I have morbidly-obese eyes.  Caused by overzealous eye-elves harvesting eye meat for nefarious purposes." I’m not sure I answered your question but I think I need to go lie down now. 

·     Dear Bloggess, I am a fairly new reader, a young teen, and probably a complete bitch. I dated a boy my own age for a week, to see if it would be fun. It wasn't, so I dumped him. I got jealous later on though, and got him back. Four weeks later, it still wasn't fun. I broke up with him tonight. I feel like I led him on by dating him again, and by responding tersely (but still responding) to his awkward letters of adoration. He makes me feel uncomfortable, and my flesh crawls whenever I stand near him (in a bad way). Did I lead him on? Am I a bitch? I never had this much drama before high school! Thanks. ~ Andrea

Dear Andrea:  You’re not a bitch.  You’re just young and kind of stupid, which is normal because technically you’re supposed to make a series of horrible decisions when you’re a young teen.  Keep in mind though that boys are incredibly stupid and immature at that age too so by choosing to date while you're so young you are automatically setting yourself up to be emotionally damaged by dumb boys who just don’t know any better, or by creepy older guys who you will one day see on “To Catch a Predator”.  Trust me, no one ever looks back says “Oh, I wish I’d started dating assholes sooner”. Your best bet is to wait until you are at least 17 before you start to date.  Unless you are my daughter.  Then you have to wait until you’re 30 and I’m dead. 

·    Dear Bloggess, If I were to ever have kids, what religion do you suggest I bring them up with? –Michael

Which one is the religion where they have to put live rattlesnakes in their mouths?  Not that one.  Maybe pick the one where they aren’t allowed to drive in cars or use electricity because that way you save money by not having to use air-conditioning in their rooms and they get a pony.  Kids fucking love ponies.

Get thee to a doctor

·    Dear Bloggess...my boyfriend used to be engaged to this girl who works at his dentist. I'm still not really sure what she does for a living at the dentist, but she's definitely someone who reaches into people's mouths for a living, and I'm not sure why anyone would want to do that (no offense to the readers of this blog who may be dental professionals). Anyhow, my problem is that, although my boyfriend has not been engaged to for over three years now, he still insists on seeing this dentist for his dental needs twice yearly. When confronted with this seeming anomaly, he has lame excuses such as "Good dentists are hard to find." Is that really true? I'm not sure why this bothers me, but it does. Any snappy advice? ~ cincysly

Easy.  Tell your boyfriend that it bothers you when he sees his ex at the dentist but that you do respect that he wants a good, thorough teeth cleaning and so you’re willing to compromise by learning how to clean his teeth yourself and that you're going to make your own professional electric tooth cleaner using old tattoo pens and that you can’t afford one but you know a guy who can smuggle one out of the local prison but that it’s a little rusty so he’s going to need to get a tetanus shot first.  Then, when your boyfriend refuses, look really hurt and tell him you went through all this trouble just so that he wouldn’t see his ex and that at the very least he should let you try since you’ve already bought a bunch of black towels to soak up the blood and that you would appreciate his support on this since this is technically a present to him.  At this point he will probably be begging you to let him just switch dentists.  Don’t do it though.  You’ve already invested in the towels.  Unless you were just bluffing on the towels.  Then just let him switch dentists.

·    Dear Bloggess, How can I convince my husband that it's a good idea for us to start trying to have our first child? We're both 25 and we've had three accidental pregnancies that ended in miscarriage. I'm starting to think something is wrong, so I want to start trying before aging catches up with my fertility and shrivels my eggs into even more worthless lumps of nonbaby-producing nothingness. I'm desperate for advice! Or at least a little humor. :) Kendra

Dear Kendra:  Um…something is probably wrong with you, sweetness.  People usually don’t just have three miscarriages for no reason at all.  I had three miscarriages and it turns out that I had a rare blood disease that necessitated me taking hundreds of shots in my stomach to stay pregnant.  True story.  It sucked.  But it was way better than having tons of miscarriages, which honestly is not that great for your body or your mental health.  I mean, if your arm kept falling off you’d go see a doctor to figure out what was wrong, wouldn’t you?  Even if it was your left arm and you’re right-handed you’d probably still get that shit checked out, right?  Of course you would.  So go.  Get thee to a doctor.  Now. 

·    Dear Bloggess, My BFF just told me she got Bumpits. Should I dump her? Also, she told me she broke a glass and I had to stop and think what she was using that as a euphemism for, does that mean I'm throwed off? Also, my first question was worded a lot better but your crazy Yo Gabba Gabba captcha erased it when I told it the pic of the pencil was a dildo. ~ yogapantz

I don’t know how to answer your question because I kind of feel drunk when I read it and I haven’t even been drinking.  But let me say this: I had a friend who said you have to learn at least one new thing every day or your day is wasted which I’m pretty sure is the same as “once you’ve learned something new you can go home and watch tv the rest of the day”.  So, did you know that the human head contains 22 bones?  Well, now you do.  Go home and download porn.  You’ve earned it.

Jesus wants you to get drunk. That's what I read, anyway.

 ·    Dear the Bloggess, I currently live and work in Costa Rica. Normally, my job requires me to be around lots of different people, but right now and for the next month or so, it's just me and my super conservative Christian bosses. There is not much to do all day and I'm pretty bored. Like on the verge of flinging myself off a nearby cliff bored. Unfortunately, since my employers are fundamentalists, I can't keep myself amused with alcohol like I normally would, which is really a damn shame because I really enjoy getting drunk and hanging out with people who think drunkenness is a sin. But anyway, my question is, is it possible to have fun with fundamentalists without the help of alcohol? If so, how? ~ merediiith

I don’t know why Christians would have a problem with you boozing it up since Jesus turned water into wine during that wedding in the Bible that was so poorly planned.  Plus, Ecclesiastes 9:7 says “drink your wine with a joyful heart” so that’s like a free Jesus-pass to get your drunk on.  In fact, you should get that Bible verse printed on a t-shirt so that you can point at it when you’re too drunk to explain to your boss that you’re actually doing this for Jesus.   Unfortunately the next line of Ecclesiastes says you must “always be clothed in white” so that sort of fucks up the whole t-shirt thing.  Unless the t-shirt is white with white lettering.  Which would be kinda hard to read.  This is exactly the reason why you should ask a Priest these kinds of religious questions instead of me.  I’m totally unhelpful here.  Maybe just skip the wine and just do cocaine instead.  The Bible doesn’t say anything about cocaine.

·    Dear Bloggess:  I’m a guy who loves Liza Minnelli and showtunes and getting manicures. I’m not gay but everyone assumes I am.  How do I convince hot chicks that I’m not gay and that they should date me? ~ Dave

Dear Dave:  If I said I really wanted a papasan chair right now would you automatically assume that I was high?  Of course you would.  But I’m not actually high at all so I probably need to stop worrying about what other people think about me.  Unless I’m accidentally high, which I’m always a little worried about and then I remind myself that I’m just being paranoid because how do you get “accidentally high”?  But then that reminds me of the fact that pot actually makes you paranoid and OH-MY-GOD-AM-I-HIGH-RIGHT-NOW?  Wait.  No. I’m not.  My point is that it doesn’t really matter whether people suspect that I’m high and you’re gay. What really matters is that you have to be who you are with no apologies and find someone who loves you for you.  Wow.  That last part was actually good advice. I must be accidentally high again.

·    Dear Jenny, I have an advice question that should be posed to your husband so look away as Victor reads this. Victor, my wife seems to share your wife's sense of rationality and general craziness, how do you deal with the bizarre stuff that you seem to deal with on a daily basis? Is there a support group or meditation? Help me out please. Also I am pretty sure our wives are different people as I live in Canada but I am not 100% certain. ~ Distressed Husband

Okay, Victor doesn’t actually read this blog so I just read this question out loud to him and his advice was “Shut up! I’m on a conference call here!” which is pretty much the worst advice ever.  Then I was all “That doesn’t even make any sense.  Are you saying that he needs to tell his wife to shut up?  Because that seems unhelpful” and then he made the universal sign for strangling someone and he pushed me out of his office and shut the door.  This is exactly the reason why this column is not called “Ask the Victor”.  That man gives horrible advice.

"Is my penis haunted?" No. Probably not.

·    Dear Bloggess:  Lately I’ve been having these weird dreams and waking up with some kind of goo on my penis.  My best friend said it was ectoplasm and that my dick was being haunted.  That’s not true, is it? ~ Michael

Dear Michael:  Your penis is not haunted.  You’re just entering puberty, which is totally normal and actually much more traumatic than having your junk haunted.  Also, you need to write this shit down because your best friend just confused wet dreams with poltergeist activity and that is exactly the kind of story you’re going to want to bring up when you’re giving your best-man toast at his wedding.  Seriously, this is all gold.

·   Bloggess, I would like to know: Do you take your own advice? Do you ever even give yourself advice? What sort of advice? ~ enquiring hiveminds

Technically no one should ever follow my advice. If I were to give myself any advice at all I’d advise myself to do exactly the opposite of whatever I told me to do.  Except that means I just told myself not to listen to me so if I ignore that advice then that means I listened to me...and that I listened to me about not listening to me...or that I didn’t listen to me because I listened to me saying not to listen to me.  Fuck.  I’m pretty sure I just created some sort of wormhole here.  I'm going to stop talking now.

·    Dear Bloggess, Today my boyfriend trimmed my girly parts. It was quite erotic - but that's not the point of this story - it's just a side note. This evening, while he was inspecting his handy work - he was poked in the eye by a trimmed pube. Is this karma? His eye is sore, and he feels guilty. I asked Google but go no results. Please help. Also - do we need some sort of special eyewash for this? ~ Kathy 

Wait…he got poked in the eye while inspecting your pubic hair?  Exactly how close was he looking, Kathy?  Is it possible that your boyfriend is actually blind and you just didn’t notice it before?  Because you really shouldn’t let a blind guy trim your lady-garden.  I mean, I’m all for dating blind guys because God knows it’s hot whenever they ask if they can touch your face but there are a few things you’re just going to have to skip.  Things like, having them keep lookout while you pee in the alley.  Or letting them drive your car home.  Or giving them sharp scissors so they can weed-whack your sensitive girlie-bits.  These are all things to avoid when dating blind people.  Honestly Kathy, I’m not even sure why I have to clarify this. 

You guys are very strange

So this week I ended up opening up the advice column to you guys since I was sick as a dog and I have to say that I was shocked at your answers, which ranged from brilliant to horrible and were quite often better than anything I could actually come up with.  In fact, several were so fascinating that I thought I should share them here.  And not just because I'm incredibly lazy and this is way easier than actually writing advice myself.  Although, let's be honest, it's a pretty big part.  Let's get started, shall we?

Question:   Is it possible that when you are having sex with a guy, can he pee inside of you? Or is it against the laws of gravity? I was just wondering because I get curious about things like that. ~ Jessie.

·      Dear Jessie, Peeing inside you is how a guy fakes an orgasm. However, you're right to question gravity's effect on men. You see, men are unable to have a real orgasm without gravity. That's why you never see a pregnant astronaut. ~ Fred

·       Jessie, I've heard urine is sterile and that Madonna pees on her feet in the shower to prevent athlete's foot. Even if a guy pees while he's inside you, I don't think you need to worry b/c it is safe AND you get the bonus of not having to worry about athlete's foot in your hooha. ~ Fairly Odd Mother

Question :   Hi Bloggess, How do I tell whether I have spider bites on my lip or a cold sore? I've never had a cold sore before, so I didn't know where to begin - I typed "herpes" into Google Images, and quite frankly, was horrified. I typed "face herpes" into a regular search engine, and I still couldn't be sure. It might be spider bites because I didn't think I had any kind of herpes, but it's also November and I can't be sure that there are still spiders around. My husband keeps asking for blow jobs - could that indicate that I might not have something catching? Or does it sound more like he had secret crotch herpes that have now infected my face and now we're all diseased? Help. Thank you. ~  emvandee

·      Emvandee, I encourage you to explore the possibility that your husband had intercourse with a diseased spider. The growth on your face, I regret to surmise, is really a nest of eggs that this diseased arachnid buried in your face. Most likely they are your husband's love children. And they will hatch and dig their way out of your face. But, before stabbing the nest with a knife, let me remind you that you would be stabbing yourself in the face. And, think of the children. Spiders have a short life span. Your husband's spider-lady will be dead soon. You are barren. Consider this spider a surrogate for you and your hubby. It just might save your marriage and, as is your face with spider eggs will your heart fill with love. As for your husband requesting oral sex, understand that most men enjoy a good hummer. Or, just maybe, he wants to be closer to his kids. Nesting in your face. ~ Ran Man

·      Dear emvandee, My guess is that it's probably something you caught from giving your husband blow jobs. If it were a spider bite you should have totally felt them crawling all over your face. Unless you were sleeping. Then you may have thought it was just your husband trying to get another blow job. Although, he may have spider bites on his penis and when you're giving him a blow job their venom may have caused an allergic reaction on your face, in which case I would suggest you quit giving him blow jobs. He probably doesn't care if you have herpes or spider bites, ‘cause hell, he's getting a blow job. I'd question him really hard and see if he's also letting spiders give him blow jobs. ‘Cause I think you have an even bigger problem on your hands.~ The Bare Essentials Today

Question:  Dear Bloggess:  What is the perfect penis size?  How big is "too big"?  How small is "too small"? ~ Self-conscious-in-Detroit   

·      Dear Self Conscious... I think the question should not be "what is the perfect penis size", but "what is the perfect *vagina* size for your penis"...it's gonna be like a goldie locks thing (minus the little girl, I hope). You just need to find the perfect vagina for your needs. ~ Beckles

·      7 3/4 is PERFECT. Girth, I mean.~ Maggie

     There is no such ideal from which to determine a perfect penis size. Every woman is built differently and every woman prefers a penis with dimensions that compliments her vagina. That being said, your penis is most likely too small. Maybe try having sex with someone who has a very shallow vagina. For example, this one dude I know has intercourse with a spider. AND THEY ARE EXPECTING!~  Ran Man

·      Dear Self-conscious-in-Detroit, The question is not 'what is the perfect penis size', the question is 'what is the perfect penis size for you?' I recommend going out and experimenting with different size penises until you find what that feel right and then stick with it.~ Aaron Williams

I'm (probably not) dying

Hi.  It’s me, Jenny (the bloggess).  Today is my birthday and I have a horrific cold.  Like, so bad it’s practically a man cold.  This morning my 5 year old woke me up to ask me what I wanted for my birthday and I told her I wanted her to find a cure for the common cold in the next ten minutes.  She brought me a blanket and told me that cures being cold.  Conclusion:  My five-year-old is adorable and a really shitty scientist.  So now I’m still sick and these Ask-the-Bloggess questions are piling up so I thought today we’d try something different.  I’m going to put up a bunch of questions that I’m utterly stumped on and open up the comment section for you to give the advice.  And then you can technically put “personal advisor/life coach” on your resume and I will totally back you up if you need references.  Then we all win.  And I get to go back to sleep.  So I win more, I think.

 Anyway, here are your questions.  Pick one, come up with some awesome advice, leave it in the comments below.  Best answer gets a gold star and/or dirty martini. 

Question 1.  Dear Bloggess:  Is it possible that when you are having sex with a guy, can he pee inside of you? Or is it against the laws of gravity? I was just wondering because I get curious about things like that. ~ Jessie.

Question 2.   Hi Bloggess, How do I tell whether I have spider bites on my lip or a cold sore? I've never had a cold sore before, so I didn't know where to begin - I typed "herpes" into Google Images, and quite frankly, was horrified. I typed "face herpes" into a regular search engine, and I still couldn't be sure. It might be spider bites because I didn't think I had any kind of herpes, but it's also November and I can't be sure that there are still spiders around. My husband keeps asking for blow jobs - could that indicate that I might not have something catching? Or does it sound more like he had secret crotch herpes that have now infected my face and now we're all diseased? Help. Thank you. ~  emvandee

Question 3.  Hi Jenny. You are funny. I am funny too. You are a blogger. Guess what? So am I! But I don't make any money doing it. I started blogging after having my twins in January as a means of therapy. It turns out that a couple of people love my writing. But they aren't sending any checks. I need money to buy diapers. I am using pages from my childhood Precious Moments Bible and duct tape until I can save up the money for Pampers. I am already into the New Testament! Geez! Twins! Can you offer any advice as to how to make money through blogging so that I don't have to go to church this Sunday to steal another Bible? Thank you dearly. ~ Joy 

Question 4a.  Jenny - you are awesome, but you are a terrible advice columnist. I do like the picture verification thingy, though. It says "this keeps out spammers." Guess what mine is? A hammer.

Not only would that deter some ol' spammer if wielded properly, it rhymes with spammer. This is like a poetry thing, right? So will the next one say "this keeps out asshats," and the picture will be a baseball bat? I gotta check.   ~ Fantastic Forrest

Question 4b.  Darn. It still says "this keeps out spammers" and there's a big red ant-like creature. No rhyme. I guess it was a fluke. Wait, maybe they mean Geoffrey Ammer, president of marketing of Marvel Studios, which is producing Ant-Man. That's a little esoteric, don't you think? ~ Fantastic Forrest

Questions 5.  Dear Bloggess:  What is the perfect penis size?  How big is "too big"?  How small is "too small"? ~ Self-conscious-in-Detroit   

We may never know who killed that drifter.

·    Dear Bloggess: What is the best way to get details/gossip out of someone without looking too nosy or gossipy? There's a lot of interesting stories I miss out on because I'm nervous about looking like a gossiper. I don't want to repeat the information, I just want to know it. ~ NosyGirl

Whenever someone mentions gossip I just nod like I totally already know what the gossip is because then they feel less guilty about telling me.  But then sometimes I still don’t understand because they think I know some key point, which I obviously don’t so I say something random like “Wait, are we talking about that drifter that Tiffany killed?” and they’re all “NO.  I’m talking about how Tiffany is sleeping with Tony and OHMYGODWHENDIDTIFFANYKILLADRIFTER?!” and then I’m all “Holy shit.  Tiffany is sleeping with Tony AND SHE KILLED A DRIFTER?” and then they’re all “Wait.  You said she killed a drifter” and then I’m all “Oh.  No, I thought that’s what you said.  It’s a relief though to know that she’s only having an affair with Tony, because I'm pretty sure killing drifters is still illegal” and then the person who just told you about Tiffany sleeping with Tony feels less guilty for telling you the gossip because at least they can say they set you right about Tiffany not killing drifters.  Then we all win.  Until someone at the next table overhears the whole thing and tells everyone else that Tiffany killed a drifter.  Then Tiffany is going to be pissed.  And this is exactly why no one should have an affair with Tony.  Honestly, it’s like Tiffany was asking to be accused of murdering a drifter.

·   Dear Bloggess: It isn't that I try to run over my cat on purpose or anything, but I did it to teach her that cars are B-A-D. After about seven years of dodging my speeding car coming up the drive-way, she now understands she needs to move her ass out of the way. She's much safer now. Seriously, I don't try to run over her. She likes to live dangerously. She's the Jackie Chan of cats and does her own stunts. ~ Danica

Danica, first of all your cat sounds like a total bad-ass. Secondly, this is less of a "an advice question" and more of an "incriminating confession".  The authorities will be by to pick up your cat tomorrow.

·    Dear Bloggess, I have this thing for the boyfriend of one of my really good friends, only it's not really a thing so much as I really want to tap that because you can clearly see the outline of his very large horse-hung penis in whatever pants he wears. Anyways, I'm pretty sure he's a little bit bisexual and might have been interested in having some man-to-man fun, but they are both really good friends of mine so how do I get what I really want with either a) it not effecting my relationship with either of them or b) neither of them even finding out it happened? Thanks.  ~ Wants-his-friend's-boyfriend's-penis

 Okay, this is the part where I whack you in the nose with a newspaper and say “No”.  You do not have sex with your friend’s boyfriend even if he is hung like a horse.  You go find someone else who is single and is hung like a horse.  Or maybe just find a horse. But don’t have sex with it because that’s illegal.  Instead, ride it.  Ride like the wind and feel the warm air whip through your hair and let that distract you from thoughts of penises.  Don’t think about the horse’s penis.  Stop.  You’re thinking about it right now aren’t you?  You know what?  Fine.  I fucking give up.

What to give convicts for Christmas

·  Dear Bloggess, my loathsome sister has invited herself for Christmas lunch WITHOUT TELLING ME - only my parents (thus meaning if I don't accept her, they won't come), any idea how I can shoot her in the face without it distressing the rest of the family or getting blood on the walls? ~ firehose

Keep in mind that Christmas is about family and generosity and that your sister is a part of your family.  Welcome her into your home with love and generously hand her a delicious plate of food.  Congratulations.  You just became the bigger person.  But make sure the plate you give her is the one you’ve been sitting on bare-assed all morning.  Also, hide all your extra chairs so she’s forced to sit on the beanbag chair, which is so low that only the top of her head pops over the top of the dinner table while you’re all eating.  Then tell her how happy you are that she could come, and not to move too much because you keep your pet snakes inside the beanbag chair so that they can hibernate through Christmas because the holidays depress them.   

·  Dear Bloggess, My in-laws are coming up to visit us for Christmas, except for maybe two of my brothers-in-law who may or may not be in jail at the time. What do you get for someone in jail? ~ unsure of the protocol

I suggest packages of cigarettes, even if they don’t smoke.  Inmates use cigarettes as currency so a carton of Camels is basically like a prison gift certificate.  Also, whenever they open up a present from someone else you should say “Oh, you could totally make a shiv out of that!” because that way you’re giving them helpful ideas for prison and also it’s a nice compliment to the person who bought them the gift since they’ll probably feel bad that they didn’t think about buying them cigarettes.  Unless the gift-giver is your great-aunt who knitted them Christmas sweaters.  You totally can’t make shiv’s out of Christmas sweaters.  Honestly, it’s like she wants them get killed in prison. 

·  Dear Bloggess, With the holidays coming up, I am going to be forced to spend some time with my husband's family. They could be worse but the main irritant is that they are always playing the one-upmanship game. Their kids are always smarter and better at everything then everyone else. Their job is better and they make more money. Their family is blah, blah, blah, and so on...Usually I just sit in corner and drink and try to ignore them while counting down the minutes until we can get the hell out of there, but I'm wondering if perhaps you have a totally kick-ass response to nip this issue in the bud. ~ Inferior In-law

Lie.  You don’t see these people often anyway so just immediately be all “Did you hear that I’m going to be in the next issue of Time Magazine?  It’s just a small feature on how I created a new type of panda that poops gold.  I mean, it’s not solid gold, but it’s pretty damn close. I sold the first panda to NASA for a kadillion dollars.  So yeah.  It’s been a pretty bad-ass year.”  Then when they look at you blankly just sigh condescendingly and explain “A kadillion is the next number up from a trillion”.   Then when they to call you out on your story be all “Why would I make that up?” like there’s something wrong with them for even doubting you.

The worst kinds of arsonists

·    Dear Bloggess, one of my good friends is, in fact, a gossiping twat. She's not a very sneaky one so it was easy to figure out. I don't know if she meant anything bad with the backstabbing but it got me in trouble.  –K

There’s an old saying that goes “Burn me once? Shame on you.  Burn me twice? Shame on me.  Burn me three times and I will call the cops and have you arrested for arson.  That’s probably what I should have done the first time you set me on fire, you crazy bitch.”  I’m not entirely sure what the phrase means but I think it has something to do with not hanging around with arsonists or people who can’t keep secrets.  Or arsonists who can’t keep secrets.  Those are the worst kinds of arsonists.

·    My step-sons crazy mother is a nut. No lie. Not even a slight exaggeration. She hates us, hates the fact that we love life and don't live in misery like her and she tries desperately to FUCK our lives up. What is your advice to me?? I've tried to play nice for the past 5 years. By year 3 it went to court and they basically saw she was nuts and gave us what we asked for...BUT SHE'S STILL FUCKING NUTS and WON'T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Any advice is welcome :) Thanks! ~ Melissa

It's hard to cut ties with her until your stepson is an adult so I suggest faking his birth certificate to make him 18. This is even more awesome if your stepchild is actually a baby but you still loudly insist that he’s an adult and tell everyone that he’s “just small for his age, probably because his mother drank so much when she was pregnant with him”.  Find a way to accidentally whisper that to the stepmother and then be all “Oh!  I’m sorry, I thought you were a stranger” and just walk off.  Then send her long, emo emails from the baby asking her for money for college textbooks and flannel shirts. That would be awesome.

·    Dear Bloggess, I am 9 months pregnant and I have a coworker who is totally creeping me out. About a month ago she begged me to let her rub my belly, (I'm pregnant - not Buddha) and when I finally let her she starting crying. I just stood there looking at her with disbelief all over my face. Today she walks past me as I'm making copies, and stops and just stares at me. I asked her if she needed something and she tells me, "I just like to look at your belly." I'm totally creeped out! How can I get her to back off? I really need your advice! ~ Preggo

I don't want to freak you out but I’m pretty sure that lady is planning on cutting your baby out of your stomach.  If I were you I’d pretend that I wasn’t pregnant and instead tell the lady that you’re just fat and really self-conscious about it so she needs to back the fuck up because it’s making everyone uncomfortable.  True story: I had a lady at work that always wanted to hold hands with me.  No shit.  She would find me in the cafeteria and hold my hand while she talked to me and she would not let go.  I’d go all dead-fish-hand on her or try to pull my hand away to look at my watch but it totally didn’t work.  She’d just grab it again and hold my hand while she asked about my weekend.  So I’d be there in the cafeteria awkwardly holding hands with this lady while my coworkers laughed at me from across the room.  It was fucked up. I guess what I’m trying to say here is don’t act like you want to cut babies out of pregnant ladies or forcibly make near-strangers hold hands with you in the cafeteria.   You’re totally creeping the rest of us out.

What you're getting for Christmas

·  Dear Bloggess:  What do girls want for Christmas? ~ Leonard

Depends on the girl, Leonard.  Women are complicated creatures and finding the perfect holiday gift can be daunting.  Luckily for you, I’ve compiled a list of kick-ass shit that chicks dig:

Wonder Woman Underoos    

Ironic angry cat necklace

Sir Fancy Rabbit field bag

Knitted lab rat dissection tray

A commissioned portrait of themselves after the zombie apocalypse

Executive shark print

For you to leave her alone when she’s in the bathroom.

·  Dear Bloggess:  What do guys want for Christmas?  I already know but I’d like to verify your credentials as a gift-picker-outer.  ~ Also Leonard

Blowjobs.

Bacon Wallet

·    Dear Bloggess, I am in love with a guy who is only interested in me when I am pulling away. I only pull away when he acts as though he is not interested in me (i.e., completely stops talking to me). Once I'm pulling away, trying to get over him, he contacts me with texts like "Hi," then when I don't respond, "I can't stop thinking about you," or "I miss you." So I always melt and respond after a while and then we talk and get back together and things are AMAZING and then he starts the cycle again. I want out of this cycle but I have had no luck with the willpower and as soon as I start to get out, he comes back. What can I do? My feelings for him are keeping me from giving new people a chance. HELP ME! PS--I'm not such a stupid person in any other areas of my life. Ok, I can't cook and I may have once been convinced that nougat comes from trees but I actually have a PhD in psychology. I swear. Oh the irony. Slash the pathetic sadness. ~Jessica

Jessica, this is very easy.  You are a Psychologist.  What would you tell your patients in this same situation?  Exactly.  You’d tell them to keep up this pattern of unrequited love and dysfunctional, unfulfilling relationships because they aren’t worthy of being with someone who doesn’t make their life miserable.  Or maybe you wouldn’t say that to your patients at all.  Maybe you’d tell them that this guy has the emotional IQ of a rabid dog and that they’d be better off falling in love with the 2pm bus because at least then they know it’s coming back.  Or maybe you’d shake them violently and tell them what I’m about to tell you: That you are an amazing woman who deserves a man who appreciates you most when you are with him, rather than when you are walking away from him.  I’d hope you’d do the last thing.  Otherwise you’re kind of a shitty psychologist.

Creepy Uncle Ted

·  Dear The Bloggess, With the holidays coming up I'm going to have to go to a hundred and four family parties to go to. I'm single and I hate it when creepy Uncle Ted asks me about my personal life and why I didn't bring anyone. What is a response I can give them that will make them stop asking me who I'm screwing? Thanks!~  stillsingle

Your best bet is to take that creepy factor and just raise the shit out of it.  When Uncle Ted starts to badger you about who you’re dating be all “Why?  Are you asking me out?”  Then creepy Uncle Ted will say something creepy about how if  he was single that he totally would, because creepy Uncles don’t understand boundaries.  Then make your face go stoney and be all “Incest is illegal for a reason, Uncle Ted.”  Then drop your glass on the floor and walk away.  Then every time he comes near you, threaten to call the police.  Also, when Aunt Marge asks why you aren’t dating anyone be all “Well, maybe it’s because I’m too busy fending myself off from relatives to find someone to date.  I’M NOT A LESBIAN, AUNT MARGE.  Why is everyone here hitting on me?!  I’M NOT INTERESTED IN DATING ANY OF YOU.”  Keep doing that until people are too afraid to ask you about relationships ever again.

·  Dear Bloggess: My husband is on the computer all the time. Like, ALL THE TIME. I can't get his attention no matter what I do. How can I get his attention without being completely pathetic?~  LS

Next time he’s on the computer set fire to your living room.  Then be all “What’s that smell?” and make him go find the fire and put it out.  Then the next day when he’s on the computer again set fire to the lawn furniture.  Then glare at him with a raised eyebrow and tell him that you think it’s very suspicious that every time he gets on the computer something catches fire.  Then if he gets on the computer again put some sort of small incendiary bomb in the refrigerator and when it goes off just look at him and say “What the fuck is wrong with you?  HOW ARE YOU EVEN DOING THAT?  And what exactly is that you doing the internet that is worth more than our safety?!”  If he still uses the internet after that you should leave him because I’m pretty sure at that point he’s trying to catch the house on fire.  Honestly, he sounds pretty unstable. 

·  Dear bloggess ~ At least 10% of your advice answers are about stabbing people.  Why all the stabbing? ~Jared

Because sometimes strangling isn’t dynamic enough to get my point across, Jared.  Sometimes stabbing is the only appropriate response. I suppose I could be wrong.  It’s not as if Emily Post wrote a chapter on situations where stabbing is more appropriate than strangling.  I don’t have “manners flash cards” for reference.  I’m making this shit up as I go, Jared.  All I know is that people have a lot of fucked-up questions that can only be answered with stabbing or arson.  Maybe you should ask everyone else why they keep asking questions that can only be answered by stabbing.  What about that, Jared? 

Exactly.

Ask the Bloggess: The holiday edition

·    Dear Bloggess, For Thanksgiving, my mother's brothers came to the house for dinner. They are actually really obnoxious and complete moochers. They only came to the house because no one else would take them in for dinner, not even their father. One is a complete homophobe who I know secretly hates me for being gay, and the other is so far in the closet he can't find the doorknob to come out himself (He's never had a girlfriend that I know of, and he's even admitted to my mother that he's slept with men). They invited themselves to our house for Christmas without asking if we minded. How can I tell those lazy ass moochers that my family doesn't want them at our house, especially for Christmas without making the things awkward? If I need to stab anyone, I will. ~ Jeff

Tell them both that your TV is broken so you need them to memorize and recite a poem to entertain everyone at Christmas.  Then call them a week later to ask them to rehearse it for you but stop them 5 seconds in and tell them that they can’t do that one because it reminds you too much of your dead puppy.  Then start crying.  Then assign them a poem written in Swedish and tell them that they need to have the pronunciation perfect because you’re inviting over a Swedish diplomat and if they mispronounce something it could cause a war.  Call them every day to make them them to practice it and continually correct their Swedish in contradictory ways.  And tell them to get their shit together and that if they don’t have this poem down pat before Christmas you are not going to let them in the house.  Then when they arrive on Christmas day run out to their car and tell them that you were wrong and the diplomat is actually Australian and that they quickly need to memorize a Robert Frost poem instead but that they have to do it sounding exactly like Crocodile Dundee.  Then when they start practicing it be all “More Australian!  NO!  MORE AUSTRALIAN!”  Then be all “You know what?  Fine.  You’re lucky the Australian Prime Minister backed out at the last minute. Fucking amateurs. Next year we’re going to start practicing in April.”  Then let them come in.  It’s Christmas, for God’s sakes.

·   Hi Bloggess: So, the holidays are coming up. I'm trying to pay off credit card debt, my company says we aren't getting bonuses, and yet I still have to get gifts for my family. Do you have any suggestions that don't involve coal or burgling? I'm thinking more along the lines of crafty things I could make for them. –Caroline

I suggest making "Anti-Therapy Scrapbooks" for each other.  It’s an idea I had where you write down all the fucked-up shit you did to your family so they don’t have to go to therapy to uncover all these repressed memories.  Like mine would say “One time we left you in a well for 4 hours because we couldn’t find a babysitter.  But we put you in two layers of clothes and left you a sandwich.  We had no idea there were snakes in that well.  Luckily they weren’t poisonous, right?  LOL.  This is why you’re afraid of wells”.  See? My parents just saved me $1200 of therapy with that one alone.  Aw…memories.

·   Dear Bloggess, What's the most efficient way to club a baby seal? I've asked you this before and you never answered, which just leads me to believe you're racist. please prove me wrong. Also I need to know before Christmas as this is part of a gift. Everlastingly, Michael. 

To club a baby seal you’re supposed to use a stick with a sharp nail on the end of it but baby seals are fast as hell and extremely crafty so more than likely you’re going to end up with a nail stuck through your shin and lock-jaw setting in.  Instead, I suggest clubbing polar bears.  They are much larger than baby seals so you only have to kill one for your Christmas project, plus the Greenpeace people will be much less likely to harass you because they’ll be all “Is that guy trying to kill a bear using a stick with a nail through it?  WTF?  Let’s just leave.”  Because honestly if you could kill a polar bear with a stick and a nail I think even Greenpeace would be kind of impressed.  Unless it’s that cute baby polar bear from the Coke commercial.  Then you’re some kind of a monster.  

FYI ~ Genitals aren't supposed to be moldy

·    Dear The Bloggess, I have a serious problem. My ex-boyfriend's girlfriend is a tremendous bitchnugget. For some reason she thinks I really want his moldy cock and absolutely detests me. She's started to get all up in my space and has started to threaten me. Worse yet, she hangs out with all my other friends and tries to make me miserable. I'm smarter, prettier, and more successful than her, and yet she still tears me down with every chance she gets. I'm starting to feel really, really face-stabby. Unfortunately, I can't afford to go to jail, because I want to eventually have a good job, and also don't know how to make a shiv. What's a good way to make her just go the fuck away? Alternatively, what's a good way to make a shiv in prison? Love you, and please help! -Beleaguered Bunny in Baltimore

Okay, let's walk through this.  You’re smarter, prettier and more successful than her, plus you’ve slept with her boyfriend.  She’s supposed to try to tear you down.  And you’re supposed to go for the bait and get revenge by sleeping with your ex again just to teach her a lesson but then you’ll find out that your ex is all in love with you again since you slept with him and now you have a creepy ex who is stalking you, plus a furiously-violent girl who wants to kill you and has nothing to lose.  Then (probably out of fear) you end up married to this loser and a year later the crazy girl eventually seduces him, which is really not that hard because you’re 8 months pregnant and you can’t even see your feet and he was never faithful to begin with so I don’t see why you’re acting so surprised about this whole thing, Bunny.  This is the circle of life.

The only way to stop this horrific pattern is to immediately distance yourself from your ex’s “moldy cock” and tell his new girlfriend that he seems happier with her than he was with you and that you wish them both luck.  Then never see them again.  Also, just an FYI?  Never tell anyone that you slept with a guy who had "a moldy cock”.  That sounds disgusting and also probably contagious.  You should maybe have your vagina checked out just in case. 

·    Okay, so I've been going through some shit recently. Approximately four family members have died, three of which were close, in the past year along with two other people in the past year, and my diagnosis of a genetic condition that killed two of those four family members, and could drop me at any time. I'm getting heart surgery to get an ICD, plus I'm medicated. Plus the whole 'reassessing my life plan' thing. Also family drama. I'm 21, btw. My problem is that I'm not depressed. I am IronWoman. What I'm having a problem with is that my mom thinks I SHOULD be depressed and is asking me at least once a week if I am. I feel peer-pressured into depression. The only thing different is the fact that I'm more reckless, as in I smoke occasionally and am planning on riding a motorcycle (livin' on the EDGE). My question is this: if I got insurance-covered antidepressants for pretending to be depressed, how much could I sell them for? Cuz if I don't pay for them... gift horse, mouth, etc.~  Kay

Sadly, anti-depressants don’t have much street value.  Which is, ironically, kind of depressing.  Instead, you should ask for sedatives or medicinal LSD.  They have a much higher resale value.  Also, you’re probably going to get arrested for selling drugs, especially the way your luck is going.  Then you will actually need the antidepressants.  You should probably stock up now for all that depressing prison down-time.  Although, technically you’ve been shit on by life so much recently that you may have used up all your bad luck and could be in for a streak of amazing awesomeness, so maybe consider investing half of your drug earnings in lotto tickets or in dog races.  

·    Dear Bloggess, My friend and I are competing over who can hug the most people, but before the start of the competition (in roughly six months) we are practicing our hugging. Here is the question : does hugging a teddy bear makes you better at hugging a person ? ~ snailbunny

I don’t…I don’t even know what to say here.  You win.

Your coworkers are trying to destroy you.

·   Dear Bloggess, I need a snappy retort for co-workers who give me grief for going to Starbucks without asking them if they'd like anything. They think I'm selfish. And I am. Because I'm nobody's bitch. And because I can get my work done and still have time for a Starbucks break while they all feel chained to their desk and expect others to be their gophers. But really I just don't want to be THAT guy. The guy who's in line ahead of you ordering 10 drinks -- venti this, nonfat that, decaf-soy-extra-shot-blah-blah-blah. Everybody hates THAT guy. So, really, I'm doing society a favor by ignoring my co-workers, which makes them selfish and me more saint-like. I'd let them kiss my ring or something, but I don't wear any. Please help. ~ Brian

Next time your coworkers start bitching tell them that didn’t go get coffee and that Brian got it for you.  Then when they say “But...you’re Brian” be all “Yeah.  And?” and then they’ll be to confused to respond.  Then next time you come back with coffee walk by their offices and be all “WTF?  Brian didn’t ask you if you wanted coffee?  THAT GUY IS AN ASSHOLE”.  Then the next day go into each of their offices with your Starbucks cup and be all “I don’t know what to do.  I think Brian might be sexually harassing me.  Why does he always get me coffee and no one else?  What does it mean?”  Then file a restraining order against Brian and send an email to everyone in the office telling them that you’d appreciate it if they didn’t schedule any meetings with the two of you together and that from now on you’ll just be getting your own damn coffee because apparently the whole buying and/or accepting coffee from coworkers thing is just asking for trouble. 

·     Dear the all-knowing Bloggess, I have a major problem. I'm totally in love with this guy but he thinks we're just friends. I've known him for years and have liked him since forever. How can I make him realize that we are perfect for each other in a non-creepy way? I thought about just showing him the jugs but I want him to date me, not stalk me. . ~ WorstFriendEver

There’s a fine line between dating and stalking.  So fine, in fact, that I can’t actually tell the difference.  That’s why I have so many restraining orders.  I say just whip out the goods.  Let him see you when you’re just getting out of a shower.  Then fall on him.  Then be all “Well, hell.  This is already awkward.  Might as well go all the way and have sex.”  Then you’re dating.  Unless he thinks it was just a one-time-thing.  Then pretend you’re pregnant.  Then he’ll stay with you out of guilt.  Then you’ll fess up when you don’t start to show.  Then he’ll leave you and get a restraining order against you.  Then you’ll be like me.  Except that you only have one restraining order.  I have lots. 

I win.

·    Dear  Bloggess - help! I'm a woman in her 30's who has never dated. I'm extremely shy. There's a hottie who sits behind me at work (open office), and I don't know if he's dating anyone. I'm like 12 years old inside and totally clueless. What do I do? ~ Susan

First of all, do not let on that there’s a 12-year-old inside you because that will only scare away normal guys and attract pedophiles.  Instead, find a slutty coworker who will objectively give you advice on men and teach you to flirt and will talk you up to this guy.  Except, technically, dating this guy is a mistake because you always fuck up your first boyfriend and then you’ll see this guy all the time at work and it’ll get weird and then you’ll have to quit.  Instead, date a crack addict.  They’re very easy to manipulate and are usually so high that they don’t realize it when you’re going steady or when you break up with them.  That way you can have an entire relationship under your belt in like 3 days and you’ll feel way more confident before going after your office hottie.

PS.  Don’t give your crack-addict boyfriend your real name or address.  (That last sentence is probably the best piece of advice I’ve ever given here.  You’re welcome.)

Today's theme: Stabbing

 ·   Dear Bloggess, My coworker clips his nails at his desk frequently. Picturing his nail fragments flying around the office and getting wedged in the keyboard makes me want to puke all over the place, Exorcist style. I think he's taking prenatal vitamins or something because he clips his nails almost every workday. Whose nails grow that fast? Also, the clipping goes on for an eternity. I think he might have some extra fingers he's been hiding from us. Or worse. He is clipping his toe nails too. GAG. Please help. How can I make this stop without actually having to talk to him. He's such a douchebag that I would like to avoid face-to-face communication as much as possible. ~ Amanda

Amanda, I think your coworker might be Nosferatu.  Take a large stake and ram it into his heart.  If he dies, he was probably Nosferatu.  Be sure to bring a copy of the Nosferatu movie to court if this goes to trial.  Except I just remembered that at the end of Nosferatu they found out that he could only be killed by a pure woman willingly let him drink her blood so long that he lost track of time and then he turned to dust in the morning.  So I guess what I’m saying is that if you stabbed your coworker in the heart, don’t bring the Nosferatu video to the murder trial as evidence because it’s probably going to work against you.  Instead, you need to skip the stake and just take one for the team and offer yourself up to him near dawn.  Or find a suicidal virgin.  I don’t know.  I’m not really an expert on Nosferatus. 

·   Dear Bloggess, I need help. Bad. My friend/ex-girlfriend is a drama seeking whore. Wherever drama is she's attracted to it. Which is why most of the guys she dates are attention seekers. She feels the need to fix their problems. This is where my problem comes in. I want her back but I don't have anything exciting happen in my life! What can I do? - Desperate Alex

Dear Alex:  Sometime in the next month I’m going to stab you, repeatedly.  You won’t know when or where to expect it but it’s going to happen.  Me, stabbing you.  In fact, you should print this out and put it all over your house, your car, and your ex-girlfriends car so that you’ll be prepared for the stabbing.  This is what comes from dabbling in the world of bio-molecular science and trying to play God, Alex.  I know your dark secrets.  

(PS.  You’re welcome.)

·  Dear Bloggess:  Where can I go to meet guys who aren't bores or assholes? ~  thirtynineandthreequarters

Prison.  Or more accurately, right outside of prison.  Both because convicts tend to have fascinating stories about stabbing and also because they’ve usually had at least a little counseling in jail so they’re probably technically safer than non-convicts.  Also, they often don’t have a ride home because all their friends are in jail so you can give them one and use that time to get to know them/get engaged to them.  Don’t just pounce on the first convict that walks out the prison doors though because those guys are clingy and you want to pick a good one.  I suggest maybe creating your own questionnaire to weed out boring accountants who were in jail for tax issues or violent ice-pick murderers released on a technicality.   Put the ice-pick murderers in the “maybe” pile and tell you’ll totally give them a call later.   But then don’t actually call them or give them your number.  Otherwise you’re probably gonna get an ice-pick in the head.  No one wants that.

You could go to prison for most of this advice.

·    Dear Jenny, I have this one friend who is otherwise a great person but a month and a half ago she borrowed some money from me which I really need back already but she won't give it. I don't want to be an awful friend by always telling her to give me the money already and I'm going through a lot of trouble trying to make up new ways to say it nicely. And every time I come up with something she is just like "Of course I'll pay you back!" But actually she never does. And I'm starting to get really broke and really pissed here so what should I do? ~ Pissy McAnnoyed

You are never going to get that money back.  Sorry.  That’s why I never lend my friends money.  Instead I just tell them that I don’t like to lend money to friends so instead I’ll just buy something of theirs.  Like I’ll buy their new car for $800.  And when they get all pissy I’ll be all “Dude.  You can totally buy it back from me later.  I know you’re good for it.”  Then I sell their car.  Or hide it behind my house.  Then later when they try to give me the $800 to buy it back I’m all “No, your car is in hiding.  The interest has doubled.  You owe me $4,000.”  And they won’t have $4,000 so then I’ll break their kneecaps.  That’s the only way they’ll learn.  That’s why my friends never borrow money from me anymore.  And also why I have so many cars.