Disclaimer: This is all terrible advice. It's just awful.

Hi.  I’m Jenny.  And I’m here to fix you.

You may be saying to yourself "Oh I’m fine, thanks” but that’s the denial talking.  I assure you, you are way more fucked up than you think you are.  And now you’re all “Who the hell asked you, nosey bitch?” and that’s exactly what I thought you’d say.  Because you have problems.  And I’m going to fix you.  You’re welcome.

So this is my advice column.  The thing that makes me most qualified to have an advice column is the fact that someone gave me an advice column.  Also I’m better than Dr. Phil, who is apparently following me on twitter.  I’m not sure if it's the real Dr. Phil but the advice he was giving out was total crap so it’s probably him.  I spent an entire afternoon arguing with Dr. Phil about his completely unrealistic and unhelpful tweets and even though most of it only happened in my head it’s pretty clear who won.  A few examples of Dr. Phil's advice vs. my advice:

Dr. Phil: Never assume that you're stuck with the way things are. You have the ability to make a difference.

Me: Never assume that you're stuck with the way things are. Things can get way shittier.

Dr. Phil: The world in which you live depends on the world you choose to see and the values you choose to express!

Me: The world in which you live depends on where you were born and if you have access to clean drinking water.  Otherwise you are in for a lot of diarrhea.

Dr. Phil: Who is to say what reality is? We all determine our own reality as we live our own paths of lives. live it.. go find your path!

Me: Who is to say what reality is?  The police.  Psychiatrists.  People who can put you away.  Creating your own reality is a sign of psychosis.  Go find your meds.

Dr. Phil: You can either suffer the painful consequences of ignoring it, or you can enjoy the outstanding benefits of acknowledging and accepting responsibility.

Me: I just quit my job this week.  True story.  It was awesome. 

Dr. Phil: You have the opportunity to respond to whatever happens in your world. And the way you respond determines the quality of your life.

Me: You have the opportunity to respond to whatever happens in your world. You're probably going to choose badly though.  I suggest adding booze to the equation because then you have an excuse for whatever dumbass thing you’re probably going to do anyway.

Dr. Phil: Anything the mind can conceive & believe, it can acheive.

Me: Where's my fire-breathing unicorn?

Dr. Phil: The hardest drug we all have ingested is procrastination 24/7mg.

Me: I once took a horse pill.  Like literally, it was a pill for a horse.  I think it was a tranquilizer.  I woke up two days later next to three naked hippies.  I was still wearing clothes but I got ringworm and headlice.  That never happens when I take "procrastination".  Also, you can't prescribe 24/7th's of a mg of anything.  You are a terrible doctor.

Dr. Phil: People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.

Me: I recommend pretending to be someone else whenever possible.  Like when I pick up my kid from daycare I'm French.  And when they ask me to volunteer for the PTA I'm all "NYET!  I DO NOT SPEAK ZEE ENGLEESH!"  It's awesome.  Like, guess how many cupcakes I've had to bake?  None.  Because I don't even have to listen when they ask.  I just walk away.  Then sometimes I pretend that I'm my twin sister, Genevieve, who speaks a little English and I explain that my sister is also partially deaf and totally contagious.  I never have to make cupcakes again.  What were we talking about?

Dr. Phil: The only power that discouragement has, is the power u give it.

Me: Oh right.  Crazy talk.  When I was in 7th grade this girl tried to beat me up.  I hid from her for like three months and then she got pregnant and they made her go to one of those alternative schools.  Moral - Fertile wombs are the Achilles heels of teen girl bullies. 

Dr. Phil: Everything in ur world begins w/ a thought.

Me: Huh.  Who’s the asshole who thought up tornadoes and lava?   

Dr. Phil: Realize that u are even more beautiful than the most beautiful thing u can comprehend.

Me: Okay, that doesn't even make any sense.  So I'm too dumb to comprehend anything more beautiful than me?  I’ve diagrammed this sentence eight times and it’s making my brain bleed.  Awesome.  Now I have an aneurysm. 

Dr. Phil: Ultimately the only thing that really holds u back is ur belief that u cant move fwd.

Me: Look behind you.  Are your arms tied to the chair?  You've probably just been robbed. 

It was at this point that I realized that I had a gift for giving advice and decided to start my own advice column.  Right here.  You have questions about when to break up with your girlfriend, how to talk to Jewish people, or whether having oral sex makes you as slutty as regular sex.  I have answers.  And some of them will be right.

Please leave your questions below or I will start making them up and attributing them to you anyway.