Drugs, murder, masturbation and sex with bears. The usual.

·  Dear Bloggess, My shrink told me that i am sadistic. Apparently that's where my sarcasm comes from and all of my mean hurty thoughts. He wants to work on that. But I think being sadistic and having evil thoughts is super funny (which is apparently what defines me as sadistic). If I lose the sadistic sarcastic me, will I become a sticky sweet born again bore? If I keep my witty yet mean sadistic side, will my kid go to hell?  -Judy

Dear Judy.  I totally have that problem too.  When I take too many meds I’m normal but zombie-like and when I don’t take enough I think the cats are controlling my destiny (totally not a joke, sadly) so I meet in the middle and take just enough drugs to keep me rational yet still interesting.  For me that’s zoloft with a double xanax chaser.  For Hunter S. Thompson it was 19 uppers and a horse tranquilizer.  I guess what I’m trying to say is "find your balance".  Also, don’t kill yourself.  And don’t get caught with horse tranquilizers because those things are illegal.  Unless you’re a horse.  Then it’s cool because it’s not like a horse could give himself a tranquilizer.  No opposable thumbs.  Clearly he was drugged, not of his own volition.  The horse is the victim here.  I hope you also have ADD in addition to sadism because this stopped being rational seven sentences ago.  And this is what happens when my medications are off.

·  I found Playboy magazines and an empty container of vaseline in my husband's sock drawer. Should I be alarmed? ~ Laura

Yes. Obviously your husband is too lazy to get a new bottle of vaseline. Masturbating without lubrication can lead to painful calluses which look a lot like herpes and if your husband sees what suddenly looks like herpes then he’ll assume you are cheating and will probably stab you while you are sleeping.  If I were you I’d replace the empty vaseline bottle with a giant tube of astroglide and a note that says “Howard, your laziness is going to get me murdered one day.”  He will totally understand.

·  Does having oral sex make me as slutty as regular sex? ~ 22Tango

Depends.  Oral sex is awesome and not slutty at all if you are doing it safely with a committed partner.  Regular sex is dangerous and illegal if you are doing it with an unwilling bear.  Bottom line?  Stop having sex with bears.  This is probably the best advice I've ever given in the entire time I've written this advice column.

Note: "Stop having sex with bears".  That needs to be on a t-shirt.  Or screamed over the intercom at WalMart.  Also, I need more questions, people.  Nothing mathy, please.