You're going to need your penis

Dear Bloggess, I want your advice. For some reason, you come across as wise to me (or chemically imbalanced in a positive way). I've just moved from a relatively small town (Eugene, OR) to LA (actually Burbank, CA). I'm young (24). I'm a college graduate. I make pretty good money at my job. I'm in good shape (I run marathons, because I'm an asshole that likes to rub my accomplishments in other peoples faces). I think that I'm a handsome guy, but I could be completely wrong on that one (I might be a fugly dude, but I don't think so). I want to start dating, but haven't dated in about five years. It completely terrifies me. I'm not really terrified of the dating part. I'm terrified of being shot down by females, in general Do you have any advice on how I can get back on the market? ~ Gavin

Gavin, you sound like a good guy with bad self-esteem.  My advice to you is to find some great girl and badger her with insults until she feels she has no choice but to be grateful that you are willing to take her, and her broken spirit, and her (now heavy) emotional baggage.  Or you can just realize that you are kind of awesome and get over your fear of rejection and acknowledge that you will get your heart broken a few times until you find that nice girl who loves you for you even if you don’t run marathons anymore and you get all fat.  ‘Cause guess what?  That shit’s happening.   It’s up to you but personally I suggest choice two because the girls in choice one eventually end up cutting your penis off while you sleep.  You’re going to need your penis.

Why are bugs so attracted to me? And is it wrong to teach your cat to eat the bugs? ~ Lillie

Cats are supposed to eat bugs.  Especially june bugs.  My cats go crazy for those fuckers.  I think you have a broken cat.

Dear Bloggess, How do I get rid of my stinky, annoying, hairy friend that is way too self absorbed for her own good? I have tried being mean but she just doesn't get it and I am too nice to just tell her I hate her. ~ Nikki

Oh fuck you, Nikki.  I am not hairy.  Unless you’re not talking about me.  Then my advice is to stab her.  Unless she’s me.  Don’t stab me.  Fuck.  Now I’m all paranoid about being hairy.  And getting stabbed.  You’re dead to me, Nikki.