How to deal with coworkers that need to be stabbed a lot

·  Dear Bloggess, How can I deal with the ignorant assholes who sit near me at work without stabbing them in the eye with a letter opener? ~ Jen

Put down the letter opener.  Instead, poison their coffee slowly.  That way they’ll get sick enough to not come to work anymore and you won’t go to prison or get blood on you.

 ·  Dear Bloggess, could you tell me whether enjoying midget porn makes me a bad person. Please answer at your earliest convenience... or I shall watch more midget porn and go to those special shows that come through town occasionally sort of like roving carnies, except for midgets and live porn shows instead of clowns piling out of cars and flame breathing people being shot all the way across the Big Tent. I used to feel bad about enjoying the midget porn so much, but everyone has to make a living, right? Plus, who doesn't like to make porn? The midgets sure seem to enjoy it, so I don't see what the problem is. Plus, it's a lot more fun to watch midgets than all those weirdos on elephants. ~David

Enjoying midget porn does not make you a bad person but calling it midget porn does because “midget” is not politically correct and you’re supposed to say “little person”, except if you google “little people” the first thing that pops up are the Fisher-Price Little People toys and it’s possible that’s the kind of porn that will come up.  So I guess for safety’s sake it’s okay to use “midget” if you’re looking for porn because no one wants to look at toys having sex.  Unless you’re into that stuff.  Which, yes, makes you a bad person.

·  Dear The Bloggess, I need to figure out something not retarded, ugly or lame to give my bridesmaids as a present at my wedding. What should I do that's not a tote bag, flask, bracelet, picture frame, blah, blah, blah? Help me...I suck at wedding planning. Seriously, yo. Worst. Bride. Ever. My bridesmaids' happiness with their presents is now in your hands. Ready, go! ~Kate

Pygmy Jerboas.  Like, dozens of them. And what’s awesome is that they’re so damn adorable that even if some get loose during the wedding everyone will be all “Awwww…they are so fucking cute!”  But for God’s sakes, don’t accidentally step on one because when they smell blood they go bananas and it’s not cute at all when you’re having your father-daughter dance and 30 pygmy jerboas are devouring their dead brother off the bottom of your shoe.  Unless you really hate to dance and want a distraction so no one looks at you.  Or you could just do what I did and get married in a church that doesn’t allow dancing.  Wait, was this question about how to avoid dancing?  Maybe you should just get everyone flasks.  FILLED WITH PYGMY JERBOAS.  That would be the awesomest wedding ever.