My vagina is eight miles wide

· Dear Bloggess:  I have had the song "Rhinestone Cowboy" by Glen Campbell stuck on a continuos loop in my head since the age of ten. Any suggestions? Signed: Singin' the same old song in Houston 

The only way to get one earworm out of your head is to replace it with another.  I suggest “My Vagina is 8 Miles Wide” which is awesome because not only does it push every other song out of your head but also you find yourself at the grocery store singing “My vagina is eight miles wide….absolutely everyone can come inside” and then you realize that everyone is looking at you.  Probably because they just haven’t heard the song themselves because otherwise they’d totally sing along.  This is why everyone needs to go listen to it now and learn the lyrics.  There will be a sing-along later.

· Dear Jenny.Bloggess: I have a question I can't ask people because how do you ask someone how to remove "MAN STAINS" from white towels? And how come "MAN STAINS" aren't white? Any additional information on "MAN STAINS" would be helpful. ~NeatLady

When you say “MAN STAINS” are you referring to the blood-stained towels you have after murdering a man?  Because those should be burned in an open field. You don’t keep the towels that can be used against you as evidence.  This is Murder 101, people.  To be brutally honest, if you’re even considering keeping the bloody towels you clearly are not even remotely capable of commiting a murder.

· Dear Bloggess: How do I keep my children from turning into assholes? Asshole runs in the family. Thanks! ~ Bekki

It’s been my experience that the asshole gene usually skips a generation.  One generation is an asshole.  The next generation recognizes the asshole gene and strives to fix it and protect their children from anything that might ever make them an asshole, ironically *making* them an asshole because they never learned how much it sucks to be around an asshole because they don’t ever get to see one and then-OHMYGOD “MAN STAINS”….I totally just now got this.  I’m sorry, I have to skip back to the last question.  Are you refering to semen, NeatLady?  Because that makes way more sense.  But I think the answer is the same.  Burn the towels in an open field.  I did look it up on another site and it said that you could use borax, hydrogen peroxide, or “convince your partner to swallow”.  I am not making this up.  Like, “I’m just trying to save you from tough laundry stains, baby”.  It’s almost like they’re asking to get stabbed.  In which case you can use the same towels to mop up the blood as you did for the semen because you’re conserving resources and that’s good for the environment and everyone.

So to answer your question, Bekki, yeah.  Your kids are probably going to be assholes.  But your grandkids will be awesome so I guess my advice is just get your kids pregnant as soon as possible.

This is probably my best advice post ever.

I’m a little drunk.