How to groom testicles that were wounded in battle

 ·   Dear Bloggess: This is a grooming question: I'm thinking of shaving my man-sack instead of continuing to braid the longish ball fur. The problem is that while I was in Viet Nam I had an accident during a rocket attack that involved my man-sack and contents being caught in a bunk as I jumped up to grab my rifle. The problem now is that I have stretch marks on my now severely elongated man-sack that may be off-putting to the casual observer. The issue is exacerbated by my now being an old man and the natural drooping attendant with age. Shaving will make the unsightly stretch marks more obvious but my arthritis and poor vision is making braiding impossible. Any suggestions other than taping them to my chest and wearing a loose shirt as that only made it appear that I had twin goiters. Thank you for your consideration. 

Dude.  You have a ballsack that was wounded while defending our country.  If anything you should be proud of your droopy ballsack and wear it like a badge of honor.  In fact, did you know that a very droopy ballsack turned upside down looks like a heart?  A very hairy, kind of disgusting, upside down heart.  And if other people can’t see the heart in your genitals I say it’s their loss.  I salute you, sir, and your dangly balls. ON BEHALF OF AMERICA.

·   Is watching the new Star Trek going to in any way taint my love for William Shatner? I really want to see it, but if I watch it I'm afraid when I think of Captain Kirk I'll be thinking of that new guy. I do not want to live my life that way. Please help. ~ MayoPie

If one movie can taint your love of the Shat then you never really loved him to begin with.  These are the rules of Shatner.

·   Dear Bloggess:  I have these great black thigh-high stiletto boots that my mean ol' boss tells me I can't wear to work anymore because "It's not professional." or some such nonsense... Do you want them? ~ Librarian Linda 

Yes.  I totally do.  Also, this isn't really an advice question.  But I'm keeping it because I need new shoes. Unless you are not a size 9.  Then you are just wasting everyones time.