Why you shouldn't use an advice column to find kidnappers.

Dear Bloggess: My three-year old daughter keeps asking friends and random strangers if they have a penis or a vagina. Should I discourage this? --Denise

Oh, she’s just curious.  Just pull her aside and tell her that everyone has a penis or a vagina.  Except for aunt Claire.  She was born without either.  But we don’t talk about that.  Ever.  And say the aunt Claire part really darkly so it sticks in her head and kind of freaks her out and scares her away from even thinking about random strangers genitals.  It’s for her own protection really.  It’s even better if you don’t actually even have an aunt Claire because then the kid won’t ask if they can see her (lack of) genitals and instead your kid will just be kind of quiet and freaked out at family reunions, wondering which one is Aunt Claire and if she ever got a vagina and everyone will think you have a really well-behaved child.

Dear Bloggess:  First off, why doesn't it accept mug as an answer for a cup with a handle? That's a freaking mug. If you borrow a car and promise to return it, then it's considered theft. But why isn't it considered kidnapping when you take a child for a visit, promise to return him, and then don't? My former in-laws asked if my 3yo son could come to visit, and I agreed, for a period of 3 weeks. They said they agreed and now are refusing to bring him home to me. I can't get to where they live, which is bumble-frick nowhere Minnesota, cause I don't drive and the hound doesn't go to their village (seriously, a village). None of the cops I've talked to, in Michigan or MN, will help. They're trying to get custody of him. Both my ex and I want him here with me. The ex lives in CA, so even harder for him to get there. Any readers want to go for a drive with a total stranger?I want my baby back, he just turned 3. ~ BJ

BJ, are you using my advice column as a way to hook-up with strangers interested in kidnapping your child (back)?  Because that’s kind of awesome.  And also kind of insane.  I don’t really have any advice here except don’t bring mace or a baseball bat because both of those are considered weapons in a kidnapping even though technically they’re non-lethal.  I wish to God I didn’t know that from experience.

I'm newly single (almost divorced). How do I get my groove back? I forgot how this whole flirting thing works. I feel like such a dork.. ~  Lex

Okay, first of all you need some smoking hot lingerie and a bikini wax.  But don’t show them to anyone.  Just know they’re there and embrace that exciting sense of mystery.  Then get your labia peirced.  Also, I’m assuming Lex is a girls name.  If not, don’t do any of that.