The single greatest phrase in the history of ever

·    Dear Bloggess: Can you get testicular cancer from keeping a cell phone in your pocket? I'm concerned. -Lauren

I’m concerned too.  Isn’t Lauren a girl’s name?  If so, I can actually diagnose you from here: You do not have testicular cancer.  Please send me $250.  It would be less but I’m out of your network and your HMO is shitty.  That’s what you get for living in America. 

·   Dear Bloggess, A very close friend asked me to tell her honestly my opinion of men she dates. For the last couple of months she has been dating a guy and I finally got to meet him last weekend. What a douche canoe. He probably has his own advice column too, 'cause the dude knows EVERYTHING. How can I tell her what a complete assclam she is dating without making her hate me? Staje

You have to tell your friend that the guy is a douche canoe.  Not only because she specifically asked you to be honest with her but also because “douche canoe” is probably the single greatest phrase in the history of ever and it must be shared with everyone.  Douche canoe.  Seriously, I can’t even stop saying it.

·    Dear Bloggess:  OK------this just happened...and I am still upset. I am coming down with something horrible, maybe the swine flu. I can feel it in my body and it is the flu whether it is the swine shit I don't know but a lot of kids at the local college have it. But that's not the problem. The problem is that I have a fever and even though I probably shouldn't have gone out or be around people I went to the viewing tonight of the dead mother of a man and woman I know. I don't know him as well as his sister but I saw him by the casket talking to two very respectable people and as I went up toward him he turned to me and I hugged him and as I did I said very loudly "Congratulations!" Then I thought to myself "What the FUck did I just say?!!?!" but it was already too late to try to make it as if I had said something sensible and I could feel the other people in the room staring at me as if I were fanged or covered in feces, which is pretty much how I felt. Then I said "I'm really sorry about your mom" but the urge to crawl under the casket where they couldn't see me was not at that time an option, even though I was looking for ways to become invisible and the fucking technology hadn't been invented yet so I was there with everyone looking at me as if I am deranged, and I didn't want to say "...that I have a fever, and I am usually lucid but this is just really really strange even for me, and I have said some strange shit in my time." So my question is, should I go to the funeral and tell them about my weird twin brother who I have never seen because we were separated at birth but I was just told about and I heard he is back from Tierra del Fuego and perhaps they have seen him . . .? Or just commit suicide and be done with it? ~RDC

Dude.  The last thing this guy wants to think about is how dead his mom is so technically by saying something unfathomably inappropriate you gave his brain a break from thinking depressing thoughts.  If my mom died I’d probably want to kill myself but if someone told me “Congratulations” I’d be too bewildered to swallow all that poison I’d saved up because I’d want to stay alive long enough to tell everyone the story of the guy who congratulated me on having a dead mom.  If anything you probably saved that guy’s life.  I wouldn’t expect a thank-you card though.