Your baby is an alcoholic

·    Hi Bloggess. I have a headache. ~ Uncle Leonard

 It’s probably because there’s too much blood in your head.  I saw this documentary on trepanation, where they put a hole in your skull to let all the extra blood out of your head and it’s supposedly awesome, although the only people actually saying that it’s "awesome" are the people who just got a hole drilled into their head so I’m not sure how reliable they are.  Maybe you should just take some Advil. 

·    Hi Bloggess, How do you handle it when people write malicious comments on your blog? Are you sensitive to them and delete them, or do you leave them there, ignored? Do you write back to them? Blondie

The great thing about your personal blog is that you get to make the rules.  You can delete mean comments, ignore them, make fun of them…it’s totally up to you.  I wrote a whole post on my other blog about this last year.  Is it cheating if I just link there?  Too bad.  Keep in mind that if you’re getting lots of mean comments it might be you that's the problem.  Are you writing about eating children for dinner?  Because that shit’s inappropriate.  If you keep getting one irrationally rude person over and over who is only a distraction you can always go in and edit their comment from “I WILL STAB YOUR DAMN FACE IN” to “You are the best blogger in the world and I want to be exactly like you” and then when she sees it and writes “I NEVER SAID THAT!  YOU ARE A LOSER” go edit that to say “I just had to come back and say how much you mean to me.  I love you.  Please adopt me”.  Keep doing that until her head explodes. 

·    Dear Bloggess, I used to drink only 2-3 times a year and I'd have 1-2 drinks. Then one weekend, my husband and I went to New Orleans for the first time. I drank four Hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's and then we went back to the hotel and had fun. Now I'm pregnant. And I REALLY want another Hurricane or a Margarita or even a glass of wine. Is this a pregnancy craving? Is it because I conceived while drunk? Does that mean this baby is going to be an alcoholic? Why is this baby making me crave alcohol? It's almost like it *wants* to have a birth defect. ~ Rachel Y

The short answer?  Your baby is probably an alcoholic.  When crack addicts have babies their baby is born addicted to crack so it makes sense that your fetus is an alcoholic.  I mean, I’m no doctor but it sounds like your fetus has a severe drinking problem.  Then again, my doctor told me that an occasional glass of wine while pregnant was fine.  Of course, I never drank when I was pregnant because I’m a better mother than you.  Except I did once ride a roller coaster when I was pregnant so I guess we’re probably even.  Except that your baby is an alcoholic and mine isn't.  So yeah, not really even at all now that I think about it.  Your baby needs an intervention.