How to stop your cat from being an asshole.

·    Dear Bloggess, I recently shaved my head. I like it, but how should I deal with the inevitable haters comparing me to Britney Spears? Am I allowed to punch them until they have to carry their teeth around in a sack? Or is that too classy? Yours, Miz Mae

No need to resort to violence.  Just look at them innocently and say, “Oh. Britney Spears has cancer too?  How sad.”  Then walk away really quickly before they can ask follow-up questions.  Then they’ll just think you have cancer and will feel bad for judging you.  And then later when they ask how your cancer is going just say “Oh I don’t have cancer.  I just have the ability to change my hairstyle without being badgered by assholes.  Oh wait, no.  Apparently I don’t have that either.  Oh well.  At least I don’t have cancer.” 

·     How do I stop my cat from being an asshole? I constantly ask him, "What the fuck Brodie? Why are you such a fucking asshole?"--- but I get no response. An example of his behavior: The other day, he was on my bed looking at me with crazy eyes. His tail was swishing in a weird manner and his eyes were really crazy. You probably don't understand just how crazy they were. So I pushed him off the bed and closed my eyes to go to sleep. Then he attacked my head! Even though he's declawed, I actually had a cut and bruise on my head. So again, how can I stop him from being a jerk? ~ Nikki

Prozac.  No shit.  Your cat sounds depressed and they totally give animals prozac now to treat that.  And what’s really awesome is that it’s almost exactly like people prozac so if you run out of yours you can take the cat’s prozac.  I had a friend who did that once because she had crappy insurance and couldn’t afford antidepressants but animal prozac is way cheaper so she bought that.  It was like her cat had better health coverage than she did.  So she got the cat on prozac and then took all of its prozac.  Then the cat died.  She said it got hit by a car but I suspect it was suicide.  This is why you should adopt another cat that doesn’t have depression but fake it so you can get meds for it and then give its prozac to the depressed cat that you’re stealing meds from.  It's totally win-win.  Everyone gets cheap, illegally-obtained drugs and more homeless cats are off the street.  Who’s against that?  Republicans, probably.

·     Madam Bloggess, I have this coworker - let's call her Jane - who thinks that it's appropriate to comment on my apparel. She's constantly telling me how my shoes don't match my shirt, or how "those colors clash", or how "it's not appropriate to wear anything that shows body hair of that length." I'm an engineer, and as such, I'm not built to know these thing - or more importantly - care. How do I tell her to keep her rude, unhelpful comments to herself? Many Thanks, Kate

Okay, I totally had your back until the “it’s not appropriate to wear anything that shows body hair of that length” part and then I got distracted.  Are we talking about pubic hair, Kate?  Because if you’re wearing something that shows off your lady-garden you either need a longer skirt or some serious lawn work.  No one likes a giant 70’s bush, Kate.  Nobody.