Water bras kill people. Possibly.

·    Dear Bloggess, I have new girlfriend. We were talking the other day....just that casual 'Getting to know you' stuff, and she admitted that when she was five she punched a guy for being cheeky when she was 'boss of the class' (I kid you not) Am I wrong to be very scared? Thanks. ~ Brad

Brad, it’s like you don’t even understand what ‘Boss of the Class’ is.  It’s a pretty big deal and you get to be the boss.  Some rules are going to change and some innocent people are going to get hurt.  That’s what happens during any regime change.  The important thing to focus on is how she got to be Boss of the Class.  Is this some sort of class ritual where everyone gets a turn and she gracefully accepted her role when it was offered to her, or did she knife the teacher in a violent coup and take over control of the school?  Either way, she sounds awesome.  Those are the kinds of leadership skills you can’t even get from school.  Marry that girl.  Then take over Cuba.  Or maybe Hawaii.  Someplace tropical.

·      Dear Jenny; Is there anything you can do if you have really small boobs? I don't currently have money to get implants but even if I ever will I'm not sure if I should get them. Does getting silicons automatically make you slutty and inconsiderate for not donating that huge sum of money to the children of Africa or something? ~ A-Cup

One of my friends had a water bra and she loved it except she said it got kind of cold in the winter.  And one time she popped one side of the bra at work and half the water squirted out.  Which was kind of hysterical.  For everyone in our office.  Not so much for her.  She tried to say that she'd just spilled water on that side of her shirt and we were all “Was it hot water?  'Cause it made one of your boobies shrink.”  We all laughed and laughed.  Later she killed herself.  It was like a year later and it probably had more to do with the fact that she was about to go to prison again for forgery and less because of the water bra incident but I have to think that the whole water bra thing couldn’t have helped.  The point here is that you should love and accept yourself for who you are, because water bras kill people. 

·      Dear Bloggess, Through your endearing stories, I think I've fallen in love with your husband, Victor. So my question is threefold: What exactly does he do for a living? Do you think he would move halfway across Texas? Would you demand some kind of alimony if he left you for me? (see part 1 and please feel free to expound upon whether or not we could afford said alimony) ~ me

Sadly, Victor cannot move because of the terms of his parole.  And he’s currently unemployed because both of his legs fell off.  From contagious leprosy.  And his penis.  That’s gone too.  Also, most of his face. Poor, mangled, highly-contagious, unable-to-control-his-bowels Victor.  He’s basically a torso with an ear.  Tragic really.  Come get him.  Bring a carseat and a bunch of diapers.

·      So, is it weird that I had a dream that I was trying to psychoanalyze a re-occurring dream I keep having? If I then have that same dream again, would that rip a hole in the time/space continuum? ~ Meso Ahsum

Probably.