"Bitchface" is the new "evil eye". I assume.

·   Dear Bloggess:  Please advise how I can get vicodin in the UK because it isn't approved over here ~ Firehorse_on_SL

Move to America.   Or you could have it mailed to you but you might get arrested so probably if you’re going to take those sorts of chances you should skip the vicodin and go straight to smuggling heroin.  Or robbing banks.  Or robbing banks to pay other people to smuggle heroin for you.  Basically this whole question proves exactly why vicodin should be legalized everywhere.  Because drugs cause crime.

·    Dear Jenny the Bloggess, So at my school there's this guy I see around campus all the time who gives me the nastiest stares all the time. Like, his bitchface is so frightening that it could turn you to stone. He started giving me the bitchface a year ago when he assumed I wanted his dick for no reason. Now I see him all the time and I'm terrified. His evil, gay glare haunts me every time I walk by, but I'm too scared to make eye contact, say anything or just all-around cause conflict for fear that he will use his eyes to melt my face like that guy who picked the wrong Holy Grail at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade... I've contemplated getting my (much cuter) boyfriend to just push him in front of a car, but that's not exactly...well... legal. Help a homo out. –Roberto

Next time he gives you the bitchface just huff with frustration and scream “FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, KEN:  I DON’T DATE MEN WITH AIRBORNE GONNORHEA”.  Then walk away like you can’t even believe you’re still having to explain this to him.  He’ll never bother you again.  Or he’ll punch you.  But if he does he’s kind of an asshole because you shouldn’t get mad about getting lumped in with people who have gonnorhea.  Especially because I think that’s treatable.  Or not.  I should look this shit up.  My point is that he’ll probably have to go to the doctor just to prove to everyone that he doesn’t actually have gonnorhea and everyone needs to be tested occasionally so technically it’s like you’re doing him a favor.  He’ll probably thank you later.  Unless during his check up they find out he has testicular cancer.  No ever thanks you for that.

·   Dear Bloggess, I sleep like the dead. Well, more like the undead, because I can do stuff, like deactivate alarms and make false promises, all the while not coming out of an REM state. I can sleep through thunderstorms, clock radios, and hundreds of inner-city schoolchildren screaming right outside my window. This is not a useful skill. My sleep self has no concept of what is best for my waking self, and causes me to be frequently late to both academic and social gatherings. I fear that if an emergency situation were to arise, I would not be able to save myself due to my minds "sleep before all else" priorities. Please Bloggess, how do I train myself to be a light sleeper? ~ Devin

Dear Devin, I am going to shoot you in the face.  Oh my God, NO I’M NOT.  I’m so sorry.  I’m just not myself because I have chronic insomnia and haven’t been sleeping and I read your question about being able to sleep too well and I kind of wanted to rip off your balls and push them through your nose while-OH MY GOD.  Seriously, what is wrong with me?!  I’m so sorry.  That was totally uncalled for.  Okay, honestly?  The best way to MAKE yourself wake up is to drink a ton of water before going to sleep and you’ll be forced to get up to pee.  I learned that technique from the ancient Native Americans.  And by “Native Americans” I mean “an episode of The Simpsons”.