The wrong way to dump someone

·      Dearest Bloggess ~ Our 9 yr. old son wants to quit football. This is his second year playing and he is quite good. I'm not sure we should let him because I don't want him to grow up and be a quitter. My husband took him to football practice last evening and apparently my son had a bad attitude which resulted in the whole team having to run laps. I heard tires squealing and stones flying as my husband came home with our son from practice. My husband was hollering and carrying on and my son was in tears. To me, football is not worth all this commotion. Although I told my son this a.m. that he had to let me know after school what he wanted to do, quit or finish out the season...as I'm sitting at work, I'm thinking we should force him to finish out the season. Maybe he'll thank us? Maybe he'll hate us and kill us in our sleep? Please help! ~ Badmomma

Okay, remember in Full Metal Jacket when that one slow guy kept fucking up and everyone else got punished for it and so one night the whole troop tied him to his bed and beat him violently with soap bars wrapped in tube socks?  That’s basically what your son’s coach is setting him up for.  And in the end that guy turns into a psychopath and kills the drill instructer and himself so maybe you should put your son in tennis instead. Also, spoiler alert:  I think I just fucked up Full Metal Jacket for you if you hadn’t seen it already.

·      Dear TheBloggess, So I went on a date with this seemingly cool guy. Things went fairly well even though he's slightly overweight and smokes. I thought I could get over that because I'm not that shallow. We talked a few nights after the date until I realized I'd prefer a muscular non-smoker. Thinking he'd take this well, especially since we've only talked no more than 5 days, I told him I wasn't feeling it. He then proceeded to freak out as if we've been dating for years. I mean this dude was crazier than a fucking coconut. He kept insisting he was a catch and I was missing out. Here's my question. Is there any easy way to pinpoint the psychos when you first meet them? Also, what should I do if this crazy tries to hunt me down?  ~STILLinSHOCK

Let me ask you something:  When you told him you weren’t into it did you say something like “Hang on. I just realized that I’d prefer a muscular non-smoker”.  Because if so, you’re kind of asking to get stabbed.  Here are a few examples of the right and wrong way to dump people:

Good way to dump someone: I thought I was ready to date again but I was wrong. I’m still fucked up and violent.  You should run away now.

Bad way to dump someone:  I’ve been talking to my friends and they all agree I could do way better. 

Good way:  I just found out I have a lot of VD.  Like, all of them.  It’s not fair to you to expose you to that.  Also, you should get tested for tuberculosis as soon as possible.

Bad way:  I’m just not attracted to you.  Is your son single? 

Good way:  There’s something wrong with me and I am unable to commit.  I’ll write you a letter of recommendation for your next date though.  Would you like a hand-job on the way out?

Bad way:  I’m just too tired to fake all my orgasms anymore.  Honestly, it’s fucking  exhausting.  Here’s a set of kitchen knives as a parting gift.