Don't cook your baby. Simple as that, people.

·    Dear the bloggess: clearly, the image that i saw when i followed this link is the most hilarious and awesome thing ever. i was practically cheering when i saw it. my question is: what is wrong with all the commenters? am i suddenly in some sort of alternate universe? seriously, the tone of the comments disturbs me and makes me worried for the world in general, and i thought maybe you could help make me feel better. ~ lacey

Holy crap.  It’s not you.  It’s the rest of the world that’s fucked up.  That is the most awesome baby costume ever and all those people who are demanding that it be removed from the website are probably just sensitive about it because it reminds them of that time they wanted to cook their baby.  Clearly these people have problems because you’re not supposed to want to cook your baby.  Like, ever.  That’s kind of my advice for the day: Don’t cook your baby.

·    Dear Bloggess, what should I do with my mother's ashes? She wasn't very nice, and I'm afraid to spread them since they might gravitate to the rest of her ashes and she might reform. By reform I mean become whole, not reform from her evil ways because that would be kinda cool. ~ Rikki

Do you still have the body?  If so, cut the head off before it gets cremated.  Keep the head separate and have it cremated separately and keep those ashes in a sealed vault.  Money-saving hint:  If you take the head to your vet and tell them that it’s your cat they’ll cremate it for way cheaper than a mortuary.  But be sure to put the head in something really well-sealed and warn them that the cat exploded and there’s blood and urine everywhere so they won’t be tempted to open up the bag and see that it’s actually a human head and not a cat. Trust me, it’s a huge hassle to have to explain if they find the head and then you have to get a new vet because they’ll ask you to never come back.  Don’t ask me how I know this.

·    So, Jenny the Bloggess, I have a question for you. I have this friend who 90% of the time an awesome friend. But that 10% of the time she's really shitty. And it usually involves men. She's got a fiance and is off the market, but whenever we go out and someone shows an interest in me she gets that look of crazy over her and, in attempts to draw attention her way, will throw me under the metaphorical bus. She brings up weird things like, "did you know her right boob is bigger than her left?" and generally just makes fun of me or talks badly about me in a semi joking manner to the guy I'm talking to ultimately resulting in them scurrying away in the other direction or throwing looks of pity my way..like last night she spent 10 minutes trying to convince this guy that I'm a cold-hearted medusa who eats puppy intestines for breakfast. Whats the deal? How do I get her to stop - that doesn't involve stabbing? ~ AnnaLynn

I hate to break it to you, AnnaLynn, but that girl is not your friend.  She’s evil and is trying to destroy you.  She’s just really good at hiding it 90% of the time.  I mean, probably it’s just that she has low self-esteem but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s an asshole.  Tell her to stop being an asshole or you’ll stop being her friend.  Trust me, there are plenty of assholes out there to replace her with and some of them probably have the same shoe size as you so you can steal their shoes.  That’s kind of the only good reason to hang out with assholes.  They often have good shoes.  Also, if you decide to stick with the asshole and she brings up the fact that one of your boobs is bigger than the other again just look at the dude she’s talking to and say “She’s right.  One boob is big and magnificent.  And the other one is even bigger.  It’s kind of awesome.” And then turn to your friend and stage-whisper “But don’t worry, friend.  You’re going to blossom any day now. I just know it”.  Then turn to the dude and shake your head like “No.  She’s really not going to.  It’s tragic really”.  Because if you’re going to hang out with assholes you should at least have fun fucking with them.