Stop fucking with the alcoholics, you guys.

 ·    Dear Jenny the bloggess, I recently came to the awesome place veteran fuck-ups like to refer to as "rock bottom" and wound up in hospital, then in A.A. It was pretty bad, they took all my clothes so that at many, many points in the ordeal I had to walk barefoot to the bathroom dragging an I.V. The hospital took my clothes, not the alcoholics. The alcoholics have clothes. Mostly. I have no problem with this now (I *seriously* need to continue with A.A, even though they're kind of God-Squad) but I'm only 20, and New Zealand has an intense drinking culture. What's a kickass way to respond to people who want me to drink? ~ Eleanor 

Eleanore: First of all? You rock.  That’s a lot of shit to go through at 20 and I salute you.  I have a lot of friends who don’t drink because they’re alcoholics and most of them just say “None for me.  I have a drinking problem” and that works except for when other people say “It’s not a problem.  You drink.  You fall down.  You wake up two days later.  No problem!” and then you want to stab them because they’re assholes and also because they stole that whole thing from a t-shirt.  But I’ve compiled several options for you to help get the drinkers off your back.

1.      Tell the people you’re with that you are an alcoholic and would appreciate their support. Hand them a pamphlet about alcoholism.  Educate them.  Most of them will never talk to you again because they’ll think that you’re implying that they’re alcoholics.  Because they probably are.

2.      Tell them you can’t drink because your dog was killed in a drunk-driving accident and now you think it’s your duty to stay sober so you can be a designated driver and save other people’s dogs.  Because you’re kind of a hero.  Except that now you’ll have to drive drunks around and they never remember their address and your car is going to smell like vomit all the time.  Maybe just call them all taxis instead.

3.      Tell them you can’t drink because you’ve already had way too much heroin.

4.      Tell them that your shrink told you that you can’t drink because it mixes with your meds and that  last time you drank when you regained consciousness you were standing over the bartender and you’d somehow gouged out his eye with a spoon.  Say this in front of the bartender so he’ll refuse to serve you even if your friends get too drunk to remember the story later.

5.      Order water in a tumbler.  Pretend it’s vodka and that you just have a kick-ass alcohol tolerance.  Make fun of your friends who are light-weights, then a month later decide to stop drinking because your “tolerance is so high that it’s a waste of money”. 

6.      Say you’re allergic to alcohol and even a single sip could kill you and that whoever you’re with would probably be charged with your murder and you’re just trying to protect them from prison.  Then tell them that they don’t even have to thank you because that’s just the kind of person you are.  And later when they’re too drunk to remember that you said that you’re allergic and they tell you to just have a damn drink you can be all “I’m saving you from yourself.”  Plus, it sounds really heroic and Christ-like and everyone at the bar will be impressed and want to sleep with you.  Except that you’re a girl so everyone at the bar probably already wants to sleep with you.  That’s the great thing about having a vagina. 

·    Dear Jenny The Bloggess, It is unfortunate to say this, but my parents really are evil people (believe me it is true but I'd have to write a freakin book to explain how... so just believe me on this one). To them I am a major disappointment... why? I don't live on the same street as them. But I have a great job, life, and turned out to be a damn good person. I would like to tell them to leave me alone, or find some way to never deal with them again. What do you think I should do? –Ace

 Ace, do your parents live on Sesame Street?  The reason I ask is that it seems like the kids of the people who live on Sesame Street are forced to stay there and never grow up and it’s kind of sad really.  It’s like they’re in a state of arrested development.  I guess what I’m saying is that if you are on Sesame Street you should move because it’s kind of lame and if you aren’t on Sesame Street you need to just distance yourself from your parents because if they’re disappointed in you now just for not living on the right street imagine how upset they’ll be when you get arrested for drug smuggling.  Consider a pre-emptive strike and fake your own death or maybe do something to have them disown you.  I suggest doing porn, because that way you get disowned and you make some walking-around money.  So basically, everyone wins.