I'm not sure but I think I just got a question from Fonzie.

 ·    Dear Blogess, What can I do to keep semi or totally weird men from talking to me in the public transit? ~ Papermaiden

Make up a language that doesn’t exist and say the same phrase to them over and over with various inflections until they leave you alone.  I personally use “Je ne butchita ruby kosack” but there are no real rules on this.  Don’t use a real language though because weird people are often bilingual and then they’ll try to talk to you in whatever language you chose and then you’re fucked because he only thing worse than talking to weird men on the bus is having your Latin criticized by weird men on the bus.  And getting stabbed by weird men on the bus.  That one’s bad too.

 ·    Dear Bloggess, I just got an email from this friend of mine. Apparently I was quite mean to her whilst drunk last week. I obviously don't remember this at all. The email was an entreaty of sorts. She was offering me the chance to make amends. My first impulse was to reply with, "Yo, sorry about that. I'm an alcoholic," but then I started thinking about it and I've decided that I'm not sorry. I don't know why I was mad, but like, fuck her. I don't want to be friends anymore. Drunk Me just knew it before Sober Me. My question is: should I just not respond to her email? Or should I get piss drunk and be mean again? Or like, get drunk and not respond to her email? Or is all this going to end in a stabbing? ~ notreallyabadperson

Being mean is never good, even when drunk.  Your best bet is open communication so that all the hurt is addressed and can be dealt with in a healing way so you can move on with your relationship.  Except I just re-read your question and you actually want to get rid of this chick, so never mind.  You are totally on the right track.  Except that she’s going to tell all your other friends what a bitch you and no one wants that.  Instead email her and tell her you were being mean because someone left you an anonymous note linking her to the murder of your dead parents and then tell her that out of respect for your friendship you won’t tell the cops but that she needs to never talk to you again because it’s too painful.  And everytime she tries to explain that she never murdered your parents just scream “YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE.”  Then you win.  Except if she knows your parents you might need to fake their murder just so this all makes sense.  I’m sure your parents will understand though.  And if they don’t it’s probably because they don’t love you enough.  Or possibly they’re just being mean to you because they’re drunk.  That shit happens a lot from what I hear.

·    Dear miss "she rocketh" i have a friend with a severe case of the flatulence and on top of that he always has the urge to take a dump. what could be his problem and what can he do about it, eh? ~ JD

JD, it sounds like your friend just needs to poop.  I suggest pooping.  Problem solved.  Also, I assume by your “eh?” that you are Canadian and when I started this advice column I vowed that I’d fix America first before moving on to “America’s Hat” but I’m pretty I’ve fixed most of the America so I think we’re cool.  Or maybe you’re Fonzie?  In which case you are spelling “Ayyy” wrong but that kind of makes sense because wasn’t there a very-special-episode where Fonzie admitted he can’t spell?  I think there was. Or I may have just dreamed that.  Go poop, Fonzie.  We’ll wait.