Shallow People Need Help Too.

·    Dear Bloggess:  Are crocs manly? I hate that I like to wear them now.  HATE.  I need to know if I am dooming myself to someday wear a mumu. These things like to snowball…  ~ nichiren24

Dude.  Wearing crocs is like the manliest thing ever.  The only thing more manly is if you wore a vest made out of a shark. With sleeves made out of leapard arms and gloves made from panther paws.  Which you killed with your bare hands. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.  And aren’t crocodiles even more dangerous than sharks?  I say so because crocodiles can fight you on land and in the water but when you drag a shark out in the desert he’s kind of fucked after about 10 minutes.  In conclusion, yes, crocs are totally manly.  Unless you’re referring to those little plastic shoes.  Those aren’t really manly at all.  But you know what?  Wear ‘em anyway.  You know what I’m wearing today?  A t-shirt from an opium den and square-dancing skirt.  True story.  And it’s awesome.  Just wear those crocs with enough confidence (and a large gun if you have one) and no one is going to fuck with you.

 ·    Dear bloggess help me! I have realized that I am sooooo shallow. Like, it’s so bad. I'll meet someone with a great personality and an ugly face and not be fully into them, not realizing that its completely because they’re ugly. What should I do? -Shallow bitch

You only think this is a problem because you’ve been trained by society to thing judging people on appearance is bad but lucky for you, there are a lot of shallow men out there who are only looking for a hot body so you just have to find one of those guys and marry him.  Bingo.  Except that in 10 years you’ll start to sag and gain weight and he’ll leave you for the babysitter.  But then you get plastic surgery and become a cougar and have superficial flings with many, many hot men and then when you get to be 50 you realize your life is empty and you get hit by a car and go blind and realize how ironic it is because you can’t even see yourself get old and you put on your make-up wrong because you can’t see but then some guy falls in love with you anyway and you fall in love with him even though you assume he’s fugly since he’s with someone who accidentally puts lipliner on her eyes but then on your deathbed you feel his face and find out he was hot all along and you realize that you finally learned to not actually care about looks and see the beauty inside people and then they make your story into one of those tragic Lifetime movies which is awesome, except that now you’re dead so you don’t get any of the money from it.  That’s why it’s so tragic.  

·    Dear Bloggess, My boyfriend is an avid hunter. When he has had a few rounds, he becomes an avid "annoy my girlfriend by blowing my hunting calls inside the truck as she drives my drunken self home from the party" man. How can I convince him of the danger of this act without actually shoving said hunting calls down his throat? ~ Elizabeth

Next time he does it start laughing and tell him that he’s blowing on a butt plug.  Then when he insists that it’s his duck call be all “Are you kidding?  Just how drunk are you?  That’s totally a butt plug” and then he’ll start doubting himself and he’ll be all “What?  No.  I’m pretty sure this is my duck call” and then you be like “No.  That’s totally a butt plug.  Where did you even get that?!” and then take it and toss it out the window and make him gargle when he gets home and then later when he asks where his duck call went tell him you thought you saw him trading it for a butt plug at the party and then he’ll vaguely remember something about a butt plug and will never bring it up again.