What to do when you find a mushroom in your belly-button.

·     Dear Bloggess:  Ok, here's my problem: I am dating a really great/sexy/awesome guy. He keeps in shape and is very handsome. The problem that he refuses to walk around naked in front of me. He seriously NEVER does it. It has become somewhat of a joke between us. After having sex he waits until I get up to do so, it's ridiculous. So my question is why do you think he has such a problem with it and how can I convince him to get the hell over it? I want to be able to watch him walk away. Not in a creepy way. Well maybe in a creepy way. Help! ~ ARF

You know, technically I don’t like to walk around naked either so maybe it’s just that he’s self-conscious and needs some encouragement.  Or maybe it’s like when an animal won’t show you its belly until they trust you completely.  Or maybe someone tattooed “Property of Butch” on his ass when he was in prison.  Or maybe he has a superfluous nipple on his back.  These things happen.  I suggest honest communication.  Ask him “Do you have a superfluous nipple on your butt?  Because I will support you in that.”  But don’t say that if the idea of a superfluous nipple creeps you out because you need to be honest.  But keep in mind that there are a lot of people with superfluous nipples out there.  Like, way more than you think.  In fact, the other day I think I thought I found one on forehead but turns out it was a spider bite.  It was a close call.  Basically what I’m saying is that if you’re planning on dumping this guy for a superfluous ass nipple I think maybe you should do a little soul-searching and think about how you’d feel if later someone discovers a superfluous third nipple on you.  Because that could totally happen, my friend.  And then where would you be?  Screwed, that’s where.

·    Dear Bloggess, I am a poor grad student. Because of textbooks and school fees, I'm going to squeak through September with little cash. What's the most absolutely fucking cheap diet you can recommend, that won't give me scurvy? ~ Nick

Back when I was in college, my best friend took me under his wing and taught me how to survive on pennies a day.  We found a place nearby that had unlimited refills if you bought their cups but it was a scam because the cup was paper and got soggy immediately so we’d take the flimsy cup and laminate it with saran-wrap so it wouldn’t get soggy and then we’d go in every day with our saran-wrap cups for free refills.  Also, at the movie snack stand they usually have a bunch of free relish, catsup, cheese and butter-flavoring.  Bring ziplog bags with you and fill up on the way out.  Ramen noodles are your friend.  Pour complimentary pouches of lemon juice on it to prevent scurvey.  Make friends with the people who own chinese buffets and ask if you can buy their leftovers.  Once I got 32 springrolls for two dollars.  That was a hell of a day.  My other best friend in college got hit by a train on her bike and got free food at the hospital, plus a massive settlement.  When she was still recovering we’d stop by and cheer her up and then we’d tell the nurses she needed more food and we’d then eat it all.  She still has a limp but it was kind of awesome for the rest of us.

·  Dear Bloggess, The other day my boyfriend and I were doing the down and dirty. Mind bump-n-grind he noticed that I had something in my belly button. I laughed it off finished the deed and sprinted for the bathroom. I pulled the lint out, only its not lint. It's a mushroom. What do I do? ~ Linty McLints A Lot

I think you need to go to the doctor.  Unless, maybe you just like to store mushrooms in your belly botton in case you get trapped in an elevator.  Then you need to see a psychiatrist.

·    Dear Bloggess: Me again.   And I don't mean mushroom like I am fat and accidentally dropped one in there or placed it there for later. I mean like it was growing in my belly button. Me, mushroom, grow, bellybutton. Got it? ~ Linty McLints A Lot

Got it.  Doctor.  Go see one yesterday.