Your baby pushed me down the stairs

·    Dear Bloggess: I had brunch with a friend and her newborn today. I have been infertile for 32,847 years. She lambasted me for not being enthusiastic enough during her pregnancy despite the fact that I did make genuine and sincere efforts to contact her and congratulate her. I think maybe I don't want to be friends with her anymore. Please advise. ~ infertilemyrtle

Your friend is just crazy with hormones and sleep-deprivation and is not in her right mind so you can’t really hold it against her for being a douche-canoe.  At the same time though?  You’re not going to want to be friends with her for awhile because she’s going through the hell of being a new mom and you’re going through the hell of not even getting to go through the hell of being a new mom and I’ve been in both of those positions and they both suck.  That’s why you should just tell her that you can’t hang out with her anymore because her baby’s being an asshole.  Tell her that you think that she’s an enabler since she’s staying with the baby even though he destroyed her vagina and that you just can’t stand by and watch a friend get battered like that by a baby.  And ask if you can see her stitches.  And when she says “no” then say “That’s the first sign of domestic violence.  Hiding your injuries.”  Then lean in so the baby can’t hear you and tell her that the baby called you fat when she was in the bathroom.  Your friend’ll probably refuse to speak to you again until the baby’s two years old and then you can just tell her that you never said anything like that because “that’s fucking crazy” and that she must have been hallucinating from lack of sleep.   Unless you still can’t stand her when her baby is two.  Then tell her that her you can’t hang out with her because her baby tried to push you down the stairs.

·    Dear Bloggess, I am single. Very single. So single I have not had a date in over a year, and then it was with some guy who could talk about nothing but his family's geneology and Battlestar Galactica for hours. My friends say all the guys I've gone out with are obnoxious know-it-alls. I've asked them to find me better guys, but they don't know any. I've tried online dating, singles groups, and church -- no luck. I'm going to be 40 soon so I'm running out of time. Where are all the non-obnoxious men hiding and how do I meet them? ~ thirtynineandthreequarters

Forty is the new 32 so no worries on that.  I would however be concerned about your lack of commitment to getting hooked up.  Have you ever even watched Battlestar Galactica?  Because it’s kind of kick-ass.  Honestly, it’s like you’re not even trying.

·  Dear Bloggess: So I'm totally having sex with a guy at work and no one knows. The thing is I'm 38 and he's 28 and SUPER HOT so I completely WANT people to know. How do I let people find out without him knowing it was me?? ~ Steamy

Start a rumor that he’s blowing his boss to get a promotion.  Then he’ll start telling everyone he’s sleeping with you just to defend his himself.  Or wait until he sends out a mass email and then reply to all with something like “I WANT YOU TO PLOW ME.  Again.”  Then send another email out that says “Oh my Gosh.  I just want to apologize for that last email.  I can not believe I hit ‘reply all’.  I hate it when people do that.  My bad.”   And then send another one that says “Oh, and also I apologize for exposing all of you to the ‘plowing’.  The ‘plowing’ is private.  And awesome.  And very aerobic.”  Then send another email resigning because it looks better on your resume to say that you quit rather than that you were fired and forcibly removed from the premises for abusing the email system by writing company-wide emails about plowing.  And in your resignation letter say you’re quitting because of over-exhaustion from “too much plowing”.  That would be awesome.