The secret codes of friendship

 ·    What's your opinion of your calves? ~ Shutterbitch

I don’t raise cattle.  But if I did they’d probably be totally hot.

·    I mean the calves on your legs. I have no idea if you have cows. You could, living in Texas. & most baby cows are actually cute.  ~shutterbitch.

Oh.  Um, they're fine.  "Shapley", I guess?  Personally I’m more concerned about my kneecaps though because the other day I went shopping for jeans with my friend Karen but the jeans made my kneecaps look sad and Karen was all “Why are you so obsessed with kneecaps?” and I’m all “Just tell me the truth…do my knees look fat in this?” and then she considered walking out but I was all “You don’t understand because you’ve never been fat, but chunky chicks' kneecaps bend backward sometimes so I always have to tell myself to bend my kneecaps and not lock them and you can’t see my kneecaps in these jeans so they kind of look automatically fat because you can’t tell they’re being bent.”  Then my friend said I needed help.  She’s wrong.  I just need jeans that show off how well I can bend my knees.

·    Dear Jenny, At my wedding reception, a "friend" was actively trying to get my guests to leave early to go to a roller skating party with her. She's a grown woman and not only should she have realized by now that roller skating is not nearly as much fun as it sounds, but she should know better than to ask my maid of honor to leave the wedding early to FUCKING ROLLER SKATE. My question is: Is this person a giant C-word? Or am I being too harsh? ~ Really Steamed

Your friend is an idiot.  Roller skating is one of those things that is never as fun as it sounds. But then again, attending a wedding is kind of the same way.  But at weddings there’s usually free booze.  Did you have an open bar at your wedding?  If so, your friend is probably mentally ill and you should feel sorry for her.  If not then maybe “roller skating party” was code for “Let’s go find a bar that plays kareoke music” in which case you probably should have gone with her.  This is why I insist all my friends write their secret code phrases into my address book so I can look them up whenever they say anything.  Except a lot of times I’m looking up the phrase and they’re all “No.  It’s not a code.  I’m really asking you if I can use your bathroom.”  That’s why I always ask them to preface anything they say with “This isn’t a secret code”.  Usually they forget though and so even though I know they’re probably really asking me if I want to meet for lunch I huff and go through the motions of looking it up in the secret codeword phrasebook until they say “Fuck!  This isn’t a secret code!” because otherwise how are they ever going to learn?

I don’t have a lot of friends.