Beauty is skin deep but a good liver lasts years.

Dear Bloggess:  My ex-boyfriend dumped me and is marrying this woman who is so ugly she makes my bones hurt.  She’s not nearly as pretty as me.  WHY IS HE DOING THIS?  Seriously.  She’s REALLY ugly. ~ Lecia

Lecia ~ Sounds like you’re paying too much attention to appearances.  Sometimes people are beautiful on the inside.  Like, maybe she has a really sexy liver.  Does your boyfriend drink a lot?  He might just be marrying her so he can poison her and then harvest her organs.  And then he’ll come back to you and he’ll be able to drink even more than before.  Except he shouldn't poison her because that damages the liver.  Congratulations.  You're in love with a dumb murderer who doesn't understand biology. Unless he's planning on just strangling her.  Then he's not as dumb as I thought. Plus you can have her eyes.  Made into earrings.  Unless you’re blind.  Then you should use them as real eyes. This is all basic common sense stuff here, Lecia.

Dear the Bloggess:  I need to learn Mandarin Chinese to impress a guy.  Can you help? ~ Jezebel98

When I had to learn French I had a really hard time with pronuncation so I’d just use little tricks to help me.  Like, I used to pronounce “boulangerie” as “bow- lingering” but then I realized I could just picture a Werewolf Sex Shop and I’d just think “Boo. Lingerie”.  Bingo.  Now I can ask for Werewolf lingerie in French.  Which does not come in handy, surprisingly.  Also, I just had to look up “boulangerie” because I didn’t have a trick to remember how to spell it and turns out it means “bread shop”.  The fuck?  No wonder I always get escorted out of boulangeries by the police.  La Policia.  I’m not sure if that’s really French for “police” but it feels right.

Dear the Bloggess:  Why do so many people say “Dear the Bloggess”?  Shouldn’t it be “Dear Bloggess”?

Maybe those people are Canadian.  I think the “the” is silent in Canada.  Those people are all fucked up.

Dear the Bloggess:  Just hypothetically…because I’ve never done this because obviously this would be something only a terrible person would do…have you ever accidentally run over your boyfriend’s cat with your car and then left it there in the street all day so that when he found it when you were both leaving for dinner you could act shocked and pretend you hadn’t accidentally done it yourself? ~ Genevieve

Not accidentally.  No.