You could go to prison for most of this advice.

·    Dear Jenny, I have this one friend who is otherwise a great person but a month and a half ago she borrowed some money from me which I really need back already but she won't give it. I don't want to be an awful friend by always telling her to give me the money already and I'm going through a lot of trouble trying to make up new ways to say it nicely. And every time I come up with something she is just like "Of course I'll pay you back!" But actually she never does. And I'm starting to get really broke and really pissed here so what should I do? ~ Pissy McAnnoyed

You are never going to get that money back.  Sorry.  That’s why I never lend my friends money.  Instead I just tell them that I don’t like to lend money to friends so instead I’ll just buy something of theirs.  Like I’ll buy their new car for $800.  And when they get all pissy I’ll be all “Dude.  You can totally buy it back from me later.  I know you’re good for it.”  Then I sell their car.  Or hide it behind my house.  Then later when they try to give me the $800 to buy it back I’m all “No, your car is in hiding.  The interest has doubled.  You owe me $4,000.”  And they won’t have $4,000 so then I’ll break their kneecaps.  That’s the only way they’ll learn.  That’s why my friends never borrow money from me anymore.  And also why I have so many cars. 

·    Dear Bloggess, My boss never stops complaining. She's always coming over to my desk to interrupt me when I'm working to tell me about her headache, or her infected foot, or her sore neck, or a rash she has on her back. It's never ending. I can't get anything done, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up stabbing her for being so irritating. What to do? ~  Jen

Next time your boss comes to complain say “Oh my God, that’s so hot” and when she’s all “Um…what?” say “I kind of have a fetish for sick people.  Please..tell me more about your rash”.  And when she does, roll your eyes back in your head with pleasure and then start writing shit down and when she asks about it just tell her you’re writing down all her symptoms for “later” when you’re alone and wink at her.  Then ask if you can have a few minutes to yourself and shut the door.  Then come out again and ask if you can see the rash.  She’ll probably never talk to you again.

·    Dear Jenny, My husband is about to deploy to Iraq in January so my 10 month old daughter and I will be moving back home to Louisiana to stay with my family. Here's my problem. My mom drives me insane! She always comments about how I need to lose weight, don't eat that, etc. AND money. OMG Money is like the worst. She wants to know IN DETAIL my debt and everything about it, demands me to not purchase certain things, etc. I am 23 years old and I really, REALLY need some sort of come-back to make her stop asking things that are just not her business! ~ goingbacktohellouisiana

First of all, I salute you and your husband for your sacrifice.  Especially your sacrifice because your mom sounds like hell to live with.  The key to living with critical parents is to strike first.  Your mom is criticizing “with love and concern” and that’s the worst kind of criticizing because you can’t tell her to fuck off without looking ungrateful, especially if she’s putting you and your kid up even though you’re over 18.  Legally, she could invite you over and then have you arrested for trespassing.  Trust me, I know.  So instead of spending the next deployment defending yourself, you need to attack first.  As soon as you walk in the door you need to start in on your mom’s cholesterol problem and throw out all her favorite foods.  Also, she can have no (insert her favorite drink) because it causes diabetes in people over (insert whatever age your mom is).  Then look at her worriedly all the time and ask why she’s lost so much hair.  Tell her you think it’s from stress and that you are demanding that she adopt a stress-free lifestyle immediately and whenever she asks critical questions about you or your debt or anything else scream “THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, MOTHER.  YOU ARE BORROWING TROUBLE.”  Then, when she looks all shocked that you screamed just lean in and be all “Mom, are you okay?” and she’ll be all “Why did you yell at me?” and you can look at her like she’s lost her mind and be all “Mom, have you had your medication today?  MICKEY MOUSE HAS NO ARMS!” and when she’s all “WHAT?!  Mickey Mouse has no arms?” you can shake your head sadly and say “Mom, I think maybe you need help”.  Then you have her committed for accusing you of saying Mickey Mouse has no arms.  Unless you have a more responsible brother who has power-of-attourney and would get the house, in which case skip all that and just convince her she needs a vacation for the rest of the deployment.  And that you will be happy to house-sit while she’s away.  For a small fee.  Then while she’s gone, sell all her furniture and tell her robbers stole it.  That way you have a free place to stay and you’ve solved your money problem too so you’re kind of doing your mom a favor because she won’t have to worry about your debt anymore.  It’s basically win-win.