Today's theme: Stabbing

 ·   Dear Bloggess, My coworker clips his nails at his desk frequently. Picturing his nail fragments flying around the office and getting wedged in the keyboard makes me want to puke all over the place, Exorcist style. I think he's taking prenatal vitamins or something because he clips his nails almost every workday. Whose nails grow that fast? Also, the clipping goes on for an eternity. I think he might have some extra fingers he's been hiding from us. Or worse. He is clipping his toe nails too. GAG. Please help. How can I make this stop without actually having to talk to him. He's such a douchebag that I would like to avoid face-to-face communication as much as possible. ~ Amanda

Amanda, I think your coworker might be Nosferatu.  Take a large stake and ram it into his heart.  If he dies, he was probably Nosferatu.  Be sure to bring a copy of the Nosferatu movie to court if this goes to trial.  Except I just remembered that at the end of Nosferatu they found out that he could only be killed by a pure woman willingly let him drink her blood so long that he lost track of time and then he turned to dust in the morning.  So I guess what I’m saying is that if you stabbed your coworker in the heart, don’t bring the Nosferatu video to the murder trial as evidence because it’s probably going to work against you.  Instead, you need to skip the stake and just take one for the team and offer yourself up to him near dawn.  Or find a suicidal virgin.  I don’t know.  I’m not really an expert on Nosferatus. 

·   Dear Bloggess, I need help. Bad. My friend/ex-girlfriend is a drama seeking whore. Wherever drama is she's attracted to it. Which is why most of the guys she dates are attention seekers. She feels the need to fix their problems. This is where my problem comes in. I want her back but I don't have anything exciting happen in my life! What can I do? - Desperate Alex

Dear Alex:  Sometime in the next month I’m going to stab you, repeatedly.  You won’t know when or where to expect it but it’s going to happen.  Me, stabbing you.  In fact, you should print this out and put it all over your house, your car, and your ex-girlfriends car so that you’ll be prepared for the stabbing.  This is what comes from dabbling in the world of bio-molecular science and trying to play God, Alex.  I know your dark secrets.  

(PS.  You’re welcome.)

·  Dear Bloggess:  Where can I go to meet guys who aren't bores or assholes? ~  thirtynineandthreequarters

Prison.  Or more accurately, right outside of prison.  Both because convicts tend to have fascinating stories about stabbing and also because they’ve usually had at least a little counseling in jail so they’re probably technically safer than non-convicts.  Also, they often don’t have a ride home because all their friends are in jail so you can give them one and use that time to get to know them/get engaged to them.  Don’t just pounce on the first convict that walks out the prison doors though because those guys are clingy and you want to pick a good one.  I suggest maybe creating your own questionnaire to weed out boring accountants who were in jail for tax issues or violent ice-pick murderers released on a technicality.   Put the ice-pick murderers in the “maybe” pile and tell you’ll totally give them a call later.   But then don’t actually call them or give them your number.  Otherwise you’re probably gonna get an ice-pick in the head.  No one wants that.