Creepy Uncle Ted

·  Dear The Bloggess, With the holidays coming up I'm going to have to go to a hundred and four family parties to go to. I'm single and I hate it when creepy Uncle Ted asks me about my personal life and why I didn't bring anyone. What is a response I can give them that will make them stop asking me who I'm screwing? Thanks!~  stillsingle

Your best bet is to take that creepy factor and just raise the shit out of it.  When Uncle Ted starts to badger you about who you’re dating be all “Why?  Are you asking me out?”  Then creepy Uncle Ted will say something creepy about how if  he was single that he totally would, because creepy Uncles don’t understand boundaries.  Then make your face go stoney and be all “Incest is illegal for a reason, Uncle Ted.”  Then drop your glass on the floor and walk away.  Then every time he comes near you, threaten to call the police.  Also, when Aunt Marge asks why you aren’t dating anyone be all “Well, maybe it’s because I’m too busy fending myself off from relatives to find someone to date.  I’M NOT A LESBIAN, AUNT MARGE.  Why is everyone here hitting on me?!  I’M NOT INTERESTED IN DATING ANY OF YOU.”  Keep doing that until people are too afraid to ask you about relationships ever again.

·  Dear Bloggess: My husband is on the computer all the time. Like, ALL THE TIME. I can't get his attention no matter what I do. How can I get his attention without being completely pathetic?~  LS

Next time he’s on the computer set fire to your living room.  Then be all “What’s that smell?” and make him go find the fire and put it out.  Then the next day when he’s on the computer again set fire to the lawn furniture.  Then glare at him with a raised eyebrow and tell him that you think it’s very suspicious that every time he gets on the computer something catches fire.  Then if he gets on the computer again put some sort of small incendiary bomb in the refrigerator and when it goes off just look at him and say “What the fuck is wrong with you?  HOW ARE YOU EVEN DOING THAT?  And what exactly is that you doing the internet that is worth more than our safety?!”  If he still uses the internet after that you should leave him because I’m pretty sure at that point he’s trying to catch the house on fire.  Honestly, he sounds pretty unstable. 

·  Dear bloggess ~ At least 10% of your advice answers are about stabbing people.  Why all the stabbing? ~Jared

Because sometimes strangling isn’t dynamic enough to get my point across, Jared.  Sometimes stabbing is the only appropriate response. I suppose I could be wrong.  It’s not as if Emily Post wrote a chapter on situations where stabbing is more appropriate than strangling.  I don’t have “manners flash cards” for reference.  I’m making this shit up as I go, Jared.  All I know is that people have a lot of fucked-up questions that can only be answered with stabbing or arson.  Maybe you should ask everyone else why they keep asking questions that can only be answered by stabbing.  What about that, Jared? 

Exactly.