The worst kinds of arsonists

·    Dear Bloggess, one of my good friends is, in fact, a gossiping twat. She's not a very sneaky one so it was easy to figure out. I don't know if she meant anything bad with the backstabbing but it got me in trouble.  –K

There’s an old saying that goes “Burn me once? Shame on you.  Burn me twice? Shame on me.  Burn me three times and I will call the cops and have you arrested for arson.  That’s probably what I should have done the first time you set me on fire, you crazy bitch.”  I’m not entirely sure what the phrase means but I think it has something to do with not hanging around with arsonists or people who can’t keep secrets.  Or arsonists who can’t keep secrets.  Those are the worst kinds of arsonists.

·    My step-sons crazy mother is a nut. No lie. Not even a slight exaggeration. She hates us, hates the fact that we love life and don't live in misery like her and she tries desperately to FUCK our lives up. What is your advice to me?? I've tried to play nice for the past 5 years. By year 3 it went to court and they basically saw she was nuts and gave us what we asked for...BUT SHE'S STILL FUCKING NUTS and WON'T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Any advice is welcome :) Thanks! ~ Melissa

It's hard to cut ties with her until your stepson is an adult so I suggest faking his birth certificate to make him 18. This is even more awesome if your stepchild is actually a baby but you still loudly insist that he’s an adult and tell everyone that he’s “just small for his age, probably because his mother drank so much when she was pregnant with him”.  Find a way to accidentally whisper that to the stepmother and then be all “Oh!  I’m sorry, I thought you were a stranger” and just walk off.  Then send her long, emo emails from the baby asking her for money for college textbooks and flannel shirts. That would be awesome.

·    Dear Bloggess, I am 9 months pregnant and I have a coworker who is totally creeping me out. About a month ago she begged me to let her rub my belly, (I'm pregnant - not Buddha) and when I finally let her she starting crying. I just stood there looking at her with disbelief all over my face. Today she walks past me as I'm making copies, and stops and just stares at me. I asked her if she needed something and she tells me, "I just like to look at your belly." I'm totally creeped out! How can I get her to back off? I really need your advice! ~ Preggo

I don't want to freak you out but I’m pretty sure that lady is planning on cutting your baby out of your stomach.  If I were you I’d pretend that I wasn’t pregnant and instead tell the lady that you’re just fat and really self-conscious about it so she needs to back the fuck up because it’s making everyone uncomfortable.  True story: I had a lady at work that always wanted to hold hands with me.  No shit.  She would find me in the cafeteria and hold my hand while she talked to me and she would not let go.  I’d go all dead-fish-hand on her or try to pull my hand away to look at my watch but it totally didn’t work.  She’d just grab it again and hold my hand while she asked about my weekend.  So I’d be there in the cafeteria awkwardly holding hands with this lady while my coworkers laughed at me from across the room.  It was fucked up. I guess what I’m trying to say here is don’t act like you want to cut babies out of pregnant ladies or forcibly make near-strangers hold hands with you in the cafeteria.   You’re totally creeping the rest of us out.