What to give convicts for Christmas

·  Dear Bloggess, my loathsome sister has invited herself for Christmas lunch WITHOUT TELLING ME - only my parents (thus meaning if I don't accept her, they won't come), any idea how I can shoot her in the face without it distressing the rest of the family or getting blood on the walls? ~ firehose

Keep in mind that Christmas is about family and generosity and that your sister is a part of your family.  Welcome her into your home with love and generously hand her a delicious plate of food.  Congratulations.  You just became the bigger person.  But make sure the plate you give her is the one you’ve been sitting on bare-assed all morning.  Also, hide all your extra chairs so she’s forced to sit on the beanbag chair, which is so low that only the top of her head pops over the top of the dinner table while you’re all eating.  Then tell her how happy you are that she could come, and not to move too much because you keep your pet snakes inside the beanbag chair so that they can hibernate through Christmas because the holidays depress them.   

·  Dear Bloggess, My in-laws are coming up to visit us for Christmas, except for maybe two of my brothers-in-law who may or may not be in jail at the time. What do you get for someone in jail? ~ unsure of the protocol

I suggest packages of cigarettes, even if they don’t smoke.  Inmates use cigarettes as currency so a carton of Camels is basically like a prison gift certificate.  Also, whenever they open up a present from someone else you should say “Oh, you could totally make a shiv out of that!” because that way you’re giving them helpful ideas for prison and also it’s a nice compliment to the person who bought them the gift since they’ll probably feel bad that they didn’t think about buying them cigarettes.  Unless the gift-giver is your great-aunt who knitted them Christmas sweaters.  You totally can’t make shiv’s out of Christmas sweaters.  Honestly, it’s like she wants them get killed in prison. 

·  Dear Bloggess, With the holidays coming up, I am going to be forced to spend some time with my husband's family. They could be worse but the main irritant is that they are always playing the one-upmanship game. Their kids are always smarter and better at everything then everyone else. Their job is better and they make more money. Their family is blah, blah, blah, and so on...Usually I just sit in corner and drink and try to ignore them while counting down the minutes until we can get the hell out of there, but I'm wondering if perhaps you have a totally kick-ass response to nip this issue in the bud. ~ Inferior In-law

Lie.  You don’t see these people often anyway so just immediately be all “Did you hear that I’m going to be in the next issue of Time Magazine?  It’s just a small feature on how I created a new type of panda that poops gold.  I mean, it’s not solid gold, but it’s pretty damn close. I sold the first panda to NASA for a kadillion dollars.  So yeah.  It’s been a pretty bad-ass year.”  Then when they look at you blankly just sigh condescendingly and explain “A kadillion is the next number up from a trillion”.   Then when they to call you out on your story be all “Why would I make that up?” like there’s something wrong with them for even doubting you.