I'm (probably not) dying

Hi.  It’s me, Jenny (the bloggess).  Today is my birthday and I have a horrific cold.  Like, so bad it’s practically a man cold.  This morning my 5 year old woke me up to ask me what I wanted for my birthday and I told her I wanted her to find a cure for the common cold in the next ten minutes.  She brought me a blanket and told me that cures being cold.  Conclusion:  My five-year-old is adorable and a really shitty scientist.  So now I’m still sick and these Ask-the-Bloggess questions are piling up so I thought today we’d try something different.  I’m going to put up a bunch of questions that I’m utterly stumped on and open up the comment section for you to give the advice.  And then you can technically put “personal advisor/life coach” on your resume and I will totally back you up if you need references.  Then we all win.  And I get to go back to sleep.  So I win more, I think.

 Anyway, here are your questions.  Pick one, come up with some awesome advice, leave it in the comments below.  Best answer gets a gold star and/or dirty martini. 

Question 1.  Dear Bloggess:  Is it possible that when you are having sex with a guy, can he pee inside of you? Or is it against the laws of gravity? I was just wondering because I get curious about things like that. ~ Jessie.

Question 2.   Hi Bloggess, How do I tell whether I have spider bites on my lip or a cold sore? I've never had a cold sore before, so I didn't know where to begin - I typed "herpes" into Google Images, and quite frankly, was horrified. I typed "face herpes" into a regular search engine, and I still couldn't be sure. It might be spider bites because I didn't think I had any kind of herpes, but it's also November and I can't be sure that there are still spiders around. My husband keeps asking for blow jobs - could that indicate that I might not have something catching? Or does it sound more like he had secret crotch herpes that have now infected my face and now we're all diseased? Help. Thank you. ~  emvandee

Question 3.  Hi Jenny. You are funny. I am funny too. You are a blogger. Guess what? So am I! But I don't make any money doing it. I started blogging after having my twins in January as a means of therapy. It turns out that a couple of people love my writing. But they aren't sending any checks. I need money to buy diapers. I am using pages from my childhood Precious Moments Bible and duct tape until I can save up the money for Pampers. I am already into the New Testament! Geez! Twins! Can you offer any advice as to how to make money through blogging so that I don't have to go to church this Sunday to steal another Bible? Thank you dearly. ~ Joy 

Question 4a.  Jenny - you are awesome, but you are a terrible advice columnist. I do like the picture verification thingy, though. It says "this keeps out spammers." Guess what mine is? A hammer.

Not only would that deter some ol' spammer if wielded properly, it rhymes with spammer. This is like a poetry thing, right? So will the next one say "this keeps out asshats," and the picture will be a baseball bat? I gotta check.   ~ Fantastic Forrest

Question 4b.  Darn. It still says "this keeps out spammers" and there's a big red ant-like creature. No rhyme. I guess it was a fluke. Wait, maybe they mean Geoffrey Ammer, president of marketing of Marvel Studios, which is producing Ant-Man. That's a little esoteric, don't you think? ~ Fantastic Forrest

Questions 5.  Dear Bloggess:  What is the perfect penis size?  How big is "too big"?  How small is "too small"? ~ Self-conscious-in-Detroit