You guys are very strange

So this week I ended up opening up the advice column to you guys since I was sick as a dog and I have to say that I was shocked at your answers, which ranged from brilliant to horrible and were quite often better than anything I could actually come up with.  In fact, several were so fascinating that I thought I should share them here.  And not just because I'm incredibly lazy and this is way easier than actually writing advice myself.  Although, let's be honest, it's a pretty big part.  Let's get started, shall we?

Question:   Is it possible that when you are having sex with a guy, can he pee inside of you? Or is it against the laws of gravity? I was just wondering because I get curious about things like that. ~ Jessie.

·      Dear Jessie, Peeing inside you is how a guy fakes an orgasm. However, you're right to question gravity's effect on men. You see, men are unable to have a real orgasm without gravity. That's why you never see a pregnant astronaut. ~ Fred

·       Jessie, I've heard urine is sterile and that Madonna pees on her feet in the shower to prevent athlete's foot. Even if a guy pees while he's inside you, I don't think you need to worry b/c it is safe AND you get the bonus of not having to worry about athlete's foot in your hooha. ~ Fairly Odd Mother

Question :   Hi Bloggess, How do I tell whether I have spider bites on my lip or a cold sore? I've never had a cold sore before, so I didn't know where to begin - I typed "herpes" into Google Images, and quite frankly, was horrified. I typed "face herpes" into a regular search engine, and I still couldn't be sure. It might be spider bites because I didn't think I had any kind of herpes, but it's also November and I can't be sure that there are still spiders around. My husband keeps asking for blow jobs - could that indicate that I might not have something catching? Or does it sound more like he had secret crotch herpes that have now infected my face and now we're all diseased? Help. Thank you. ~  emvandee

·      Emvandee, I encourage you to explore the possibility that your husband had intercourse with a diseased spider. The growth on your face, I regret to surmise, is really a nest of eggs that this diseased arachnid buried in your face. Most likely they are your husband's love children. And they will hatch and dig their way out of your face. But, before stabbing the nest with a knife, let me remind you that you would be stabbing yourself in the face. And, think of the children. Spiders have a short life span. Your husband's spider-lady will be dead soon. You are barren. Consider this spider a surrogate for you and your hubby. It just might save your marriage and, as is your face with spider eggs will your heart fill with love. As for your husband requesting oral sex, understand that most men enjoy a good hummer. Or, just maybe, he wants to be closer to his kids. Nesting in your face. ~ Ran Man

·      Dear emvandee, My guess is that it's probably something you caught from giving your husband blow jobs. If it were a spider bite you should have totally felt them crawling all over your face. Unless you were sleeping. Then you may have thought it was just your husband trying to get another blow job. Although, he may have spider bites on his penis and when you're giving him a blow job their venom may have caused an allergic reaction on your face, in which case I would suggest you quit giving him blow jobs. He probably doesn't care if you have herpes or spider bites, ‘cause hell, he's getting a blow job. I'd question him really hard and see if he's also letting spiders give him blow jobs. ‘Cause I think you have an even bigger problem on your hands.~ The Bare Essentials Today

Question:  Dear Bloggess:  What is the perfect penis size?  How big is "too big"?  How small is "too small"? ~ Self-conscious-in-Detroit   

·      Dear Self Conscious... I think the question should not be "what is the perfect penis size", but "what is the perfect *vagina* size for your penis"...it's gonna be like a goldie locks thing (minus the little girl, I hope). You just need to find the perfect vagina for your needs. ~ Beckles

·      7 3/4 is PERFECT. Girth, I mean.~ Maggie

     There is no such ideal from which to determine a perfect penis size. Every woman is built differently and every woman prefers a penis with dimensions that compliments her vagina. That being said, your penis is most likely too small. Maybe try having sex with someone who has a very shallow vagina. For example, this one dude I know has intercourse with a spider. AND THEY ARE EXPECTING!~  Ran Man

·      Dear Self-conscious-in-Detroit, The question is not 'what is the perfect penis size', the question is 'what is the perfect penis size for you?' I recommend going out and experimenting with different size penises until you find what that feel right and then stick with it.~ Aaron Williams