Get thee to a doctor

·    Dear Bloggess...my boyfriend used to be engaged to this girl who works at his dentist. I'm still not really sure what she does for a living at the dentist, but she's definitely someone who reaches into people's mouths for a living, and I'm not sure why anyone would want to do that (no offense to the readers of this blog who may be dental professionals). Anyhow, my problem is that, although my boyfriend has not been engaged to for over three years now, he still insists on seeing this dentist for his dental needs twice yearly. When confronted with this seeming anomaly, he has lame excuses such as "Good dentists are hard to find." Is that really true? I'm not sure why this bothers me, but it does. Any snappy advice? ~ cincysly

Easy.  Tell your boyfriend that it bothers you when he sees his ex at the dentist but that you do respect that he wants a good, thorough teeth cleaning and so you’re willing to compromise by learning how to clean his teeth yourself and that you're going to make your own professional electric tooth cleaner using old tattoo pens and that you can’t afford one but you know a guy who can smuggle one out of the local prison but that it’s a little rusty so he’s going to need to get a tetanus shot first.  Then, when your boyfriend refuses, look really hurt and tell him you went through all this trouble just so that he wouldn’t see his ex and that at the very least he should let you try since you’ve already bought a bunch of black towels to soak up the blood and that you would appreciate his support on this since this is technically a present to him.  At this point he will probably be begging you to let him just switch dentists.  Don’t do it though.  You’ve already invested in the towels.  Unless you were just bluffing on the towels.  Then just let him switch dentists.

·    Dear Bloggess, How can I convince my husband that it's a good idea for us to start trying to have our first child? We're both 25 and we've had three accidental pregnancies that ended in miscarriage. I'm starting to think something is wrong, so I want to start trying before aging catches up with my fertility and shrivels my eggs into even more worthless lumps of nonbaby-producing nothingness. I'm desperate for advice! Or at least a little humor. :) Kendra

Dear Kendra:  Um…something is probably wrong with you, sweetness.  People usually don’t just have three miscarriages for no reason at all.  I had three miscarriages and it turns out that I had a rare blood disease that necessitated me taking hundreds of shots in my stomach to stay pregnant.  True story.  It sucked.  But it was way better than having tons of miscarriages, which honestly is not that great for your body or your mental health.  I mean, if your arm kept falling off you’d go see a doctor to figure out what was wrong, wouldn’t you?  Even if it was your left arm and you’re right-handed you’d probably still get that shit checked out, right?  Of course you would.  So go.  Get thee to a doctor.  Now. 

·    Dear Bloggess, My BFF just told me she got Bumpits. Should I dump her? Also, she told me she broke a glass and I had to stop and think what she was using that as a euphemism for, does that mean I'm throwed off? Also, my first question was worded a lot better but your crazy Yo Gabba Gabba captcha erased it when I told it the pic of the pencil was a dildo. ~ yogapantz

I don’t know how to answer your question because I kind of feel drunk when I read it and I haven’t even been drinking.  But let me say this: I had a friend who said you have to learn at least one new thing every day or your day is wasted which I’m pretty sure is the same as “once you’ve learned something new you can go home and watch tv the rest of the day”.  So, did you know that the human head contains 22 bones?  Well, now you do.  Go home and download porn.  You’ve earned it.