I may need to increase my medication

·    Dear Bloggess, Dieting is such a pain in the ass!! Do you know of any diets that actually work? I need to lose 20 pounds. ~ anon

How fast do you need to lose the 20 pounds?  If you have a few months you can do it with diet and exercise.  If it’s for something this weekend I suggest amputation.  Unfortunately, most doctors won’t perform cosmetic amputations unless it’s for a really good reason like incurable frostbite or if you have a high school reunion to go to.  I’m not 100% sure about the high school reunion thing, but if I was a doctor I’d totally count that as an emergency.  If you can’t find a doctor to amputate then just remove everything from your body that you don’t need.  Pee, exfoliate your feet, pluck your eyebrows, shave your head, remove an eye.  In fact, last month my eye doctor told me I’d had a chunk of cornea gouged out of my eye.  I was all “WTF?” and she was like “Oh, that’s very common” and I’m all “No, it’s not and it’s never happened to me before but it just happened to my husband last month and now it’s happening to me?  How is that a coincidence?!” and she’s all “I’m not House, MD.  I’m just an eye doctor”.  I can only assume that there’s some sort of elf in my house with a tiny melon-baller scooping out bits of eye while we sleep.  So, kind of like the tooth fairy, but with eyes.  And then when I got all freaked out and started raving about how I needed my cornea the doctor was all “Relax.  It totally grows back” which was reassuring but then I thought “If your eyes can regenerate then how do they know when to stop growing?  Like maybe I have enormous eyeballs inside my skull and that’s why I’ve gained 5 pounds this month and also why I have a headache.  Because I have morbidly-obese eyes.  Caused by overzealous eye-elves harvesting eye meat for nefarious purposes." I’m not sure I answered your question but I think I need to go lie down now. 

·     Dear Bloggess, I am a fairly new reader, a young teen, and probably a complete bitch. I dated a boy my own age for a week, to see if it would be fun. It wasn't, so I dumped him. I got jealous later on though, and got him back. Four weeks later, it still wasn't fun. I broke up with him tonight. I feel like I led him on by dating him again, and by responding tersely (but still responding) to his awkward letters of adoration. He makes me feel uncomfortable, and my flesh crawls whenever I stand near him (in a bad way). Did I lead him on? Am I a bitch? I never had this much drama before high school! Thanks. ~ Andrea

Dear Andrea:  You’re not a bitch.  You’re just young and kind of stupid, which is normal because technically you’re supposed to make a series of horrible decisions when you’re a young teen.  Keep in mind though that boys are incredibly stupid and immature at that age too so by choosing to date while you're so young you are automatically setting yourself up to be emotionally damaged by dumb boys who just don’t know any better, or by creepy older guys who you will one day see on “To Catch a Predator”.  Trust me, no one ever looks back says “Oh, I wish I’d started dating assholes sooner”. Your best bet is to wait until you are at least 17 before you start to date.  Unless you are my daughter.  Then you have to wait until you’re 30 and I’m dead. 

·    Dear Bloggess, If I were to ever have kids, what religion do you suggest I bring them up with? –Michael

Which one is the religion where they have to put live rattlesnakes in their mouths?  Not that one.  Maybe pick the one where they aren’t allowed to drive in cars or use electricity because that way you save money by not having to use air-conditioning in their rooms and they get a pony.  Kids fucking love ponies.