I'm not pregnant, asshole.

·    Dear Bloggess: Should I let my nose piercing close up or not? I am conflicted. You are wise & I seek your guidance. ~ holly

Holly:  You should never let any of your piercing holes close up because then your body starts to believe it can magically close-up all of your holes and then one day you wake up and discover that both of your nostrils have grown over.  Now you have to breathe through your mouth. Then your brain is all “Let’s heal ALL these holes!” and then bam...there goes your vagina.  You’re going to need your vagina, Holly.  Trust me on this one.

·   Dear Bloggess: Do you think Facebook flirting is cheating if you are married? I guess what I mean is online chat sex, cuz it's WAY past flirting. What if it makes you feel sexy again and only makes you want to jump your husband's bones more often? Am I a modern married woman, or just a whore? ~ Annie Ominous 

Yes, it’s cheating.  Instead you should use a chat robot to flirt with because that’s like mental masturbation and no one gets hurt.  

Actual screenshot conversation between me and Splotchy the ChatBot below:  

Why is that screenshot so fucking tiny?  I have no idea.  I blame Splotchy.  Unless you have bionic eyes you'll have to click over here to read the full-sized conversation.  Which was horrific and quite insulting.  So you know what?  Maybe just stick to Facebook flirting after all.  Because robots are assholes who will make you feel fat and fuck up your advice column.