Vagina staples: Proof that Hollywood's just fucking with you

·    Dear Bloggess, Why are infomercials out to get me? Everything looks sooo amazing on infomercials! Sham-wows, Mighty putty, Miracle ear, Perfect Brownies, the list goes on and on. The problem, you get them home and they don't work. I recently bought the touch and brush, and it fell on the floor and broke. If the touch and brush never works, I may have to end it all. Help me before I buy the big-top-cupcake. ~ Stalker Karen

Is the “Perfect Brownie” that pan that looks like a maze so that all the pieces are crusty end pieces?  Because I hate end pieces and it’s kind of pissing me off that scientists are focused on putting more end-piece brownies in the world when there are more important things that they could be working on.  Like curing cancer, for example.  Or developing brownies that have no crusty end pieces at all.  My point? Stop buying that shit, Karen.  You’re only encouraging them.

·    Dear Bloggess, So Jennifer Love Hewitt bedazzled her junk.  Should we all do that? Do you want a little disco ball 'down there'? ~ Rachel Y

The first time I read this I was under the impression that she truly bedazzled her vagina and I was quite concerned because Bedazzlers work like staplers and I think it’s morally reprehensible that Jennifer Love Hewitt is encouraging girls to staple their vaginas.  Then I researched it and turns out she just likes to glue Swarovski crystals to her cooter so it would “look like a disco ball” and that totally makes sense because, yeah…who doesn’t want to fuck a disco ball?  I’m getting my hot glue gun warmed up right now.  In fact, I just got a call from the local homeless shelter asking if I could serve food today and I was all “Oh, I’d love to help the homeless but I’m too busy gluing Swarovski crystals to my vagina.”  You could tell from the silence on the other end of the phone that they totally understood.

·    Dear Bloggess, So yeah, we have this tenant who rents our basement and he has some kind of sinus problem that causes him to hack and cough and gag. He has been like this since he moved in about a month ago. It is completely grossbuckets and it is driving me mental. My question is twofold: what the hell is he trying to cough up that would take a *month* to get out? Should I just go buy some damn Mucinex and give it to him or should I smother him in his sleep? The latter would be cheaper and also I would not have to leave the house. Thanks, Staje

Most likely your tenant licked an envelope that had beetle eggs on it and now the eggs are hatching and he’s coughing up live beetles.  I recommend fumigation.  Or maybe he just has tuberculosis, which is actually a pretty serious disease.  Still, it’s better than coughing up live beetles.  Unless you really like beetles.  Then it’s not as bad.  This is all pretty basic common-sense stuff here.