My new favorite word

 ·    Dear The Bloggess, how come every time I read your columns one of the recaptcha words is "crowbar"? Are you hinting at what you want for your birthday? Should I be looking for appropriately sized boxes? I mean, I already have your address and the crowbar, but I'm not sure of the etiquette in this situation. Do I just mail it to you or should I fly out there and give it to you in person? Thanks! ~ Koriina

 I don’t have any control over the comment verification thing but maybe PNN is doing it because they know I need a crowbar?  That’s so weird.  And sweet.  Please bring it to me in person.  To paraphrase Nelson Mandela: It never hurts to have a second pair of prints on a crowbar.  Or maybe it was Nelson Muntz who said that.  I may have just dreamt it.  Regardless, it’s pretty kick-ass advice.

·    Dear Bloggess: My friend's ex boyfriend is a raving douchecicle. When she broke up with him because: he was not technically single, a liar, had a spending problem, went bankrupt, and had just quit his job (or was fired - we're not sure), she let him continue to live in her house rent free (she was living overseas). 6 months later he was supposed to be out before she got back, and she didn't want to see him anymore because he's a Major-Assclown so I acted as the middleman. After a week of fighting about it, numerous sad tales of woe, police threats, he FINALLY left the keys and a big fuk'n aquarium with fish in it for us to deal with. We emptied it and put it on the lawn for him to get whenever he wanted, and then 2 days later he said he wanted the aquarium and his shoe polish collection back. Since he was such a cocknuckle to us I was wondering if you had any good ideas for what we should do in revenge? If it involves fish, it would be even more appropriate. ~ Saviour of the Fish

There's really nothing you can do to humiliate a man who is so far down that he’s concerned about his collection of shoe polish.  Life has beaten you to it.  But I am glad you stopped by because “cocknuckle” has just replaced “douche-canoe” as my new favorite word. “Cocknuckle.”  It’s awesome.  Also, when you say it out loud you sound vaguely British which is kind of a bonus.  Cocknuckle.  I honestly can’t stop saying it. 

·    Dear Bloggess, I am seeing this boy who likes to constantly remind me that he's not in love with me to save me from getting hurt. I'm not in love with him, nor do I imply that I am. He also wants to keep things open so that he can find someone to fall in love with. Yes. I know, why do I continue to hang out with him you ask? Because it's the best damn sex I've ever had (and I've been around the block and back). So, do I hang around for the good ol' in out in out, or should I just move along so I can find someone who might actually fall in love with me? ~ sexerciser

It depends on what you want.  There’s nothing wrong with meaningless sex (use a condom, for God’s sakes) if that’s what you really want but it can’t be good for your ego to have this guy continually remind you how much he’s not in love with you.  That’s like the worst foreplay ever.  Here a hint: Vibrators almost never hurt your feelings.  If, however, you do decide to keep seeing this guy I’d suggest taking back the upper-hand and begin reminding him how much you’re not interested in him.  Like maybe tap him on the shoulder during sex and be all “Hey, just wanted to remind you that I’m not really that into you.  Just so we’re clear.  Okay, you can continue”.  Then call him a “cocknuckle”.  But do it in a tender and endearing way so that he’s not sure if he should be insulted or not.  He totally should be but it’s good to keep him guessing.