Sometimes these questions scare me

·    Dear Bloggess, If a cat always lands on its feet and buttered toast always lands facedown, which would be true if you strapped a piece of buttered toast face-up on a cats back and launched it out the window? I tried it once but couldn't get the cat to stop trying to eat the toast off of his back. It was too hilarious to watch and I was laughing so hard that I didn't have the heart to launch him out the window. I think I may have been high and it's really hard to accomplish things when you're in that state. ~ Yvonne

First off, doing experiments on live animals is cruel and I’m totally against that.  Secondly?  The cat lands sideways. 

I know…you’re wondering how I know this.  It’s because I just tried it.  But with a dead cat so no harm done.  The cat landed sideways.  Then my neighbors started yelling at me but I’m not sure why because they knew the cat was already dead.  I mean, they fucking buried it.  I can only assume they were mad that I was trespassing but if they didn’t want me in their backyard then maybe they should have buried the cat in the park.   Or possibly they were mad that I was on their roof.  But, as I explained, they have a two-story and I only have a one-story and I needed the extra height for the experiment.  I tried to explain this but apparently my neighbors hate science.  Or maybe they were mad that I was wasting all that buttered bread.  Hard to tell. 

PS. I just went next door to explain that I understood their concern about me wasting food but they slammed the door in my face before I could even finish.  Probably because they thought I was referring to their cat instead of the buttered toast strapped to their dead cat.  I mean, I thought it was pretty obvious but grieving can fuck with your mind so I yelled “NO ONE WAS GOING TO EAT YOUR CAT” just to reassure them. It’s kind of sad that I even have to explain that sort of thing.

·    Dear Bloggess How do I get my wife to give me blow-jobs? Thanks Drolgerg

Ask your wife what silly thing would she’d really, really like to have but won’t buy because she thinks it’s a waste of money?  Then buy whatever it is for her.  Like for me it’s Blythe dolls and petticoats.  Can’t get enough of them.  Then when she’s all happy and asks why you decided to buy that for her say “I just like to see you happy.”  Then when she asks what you’d like to be happy say “I already have it” and kiss her on the forehead.  BAM.  Your wife’s underwear just melted.  Then a few seconds later good-naturedly add, “Of course, I wouldn’t mind a jet pack like Iron Man” and she’ll be all “Well, if they existed I’d totally get one for you” and then laugh along with her and say “Or sailing around on my enormous yacht would do.  While getting a blow job, of course.”  Then she’ll laugh along with you but in the back of her mind it’ll stick and later that night you’ll probably get a blowjob.  Unless she’s not into subtlety.  Then maybe wrap a shiny necklace around your penis and then she’ll have to use her mouth to pull it off.  But that only works if you’ve married a chick that doesn’t have hands because otherwise she’s just going to use her fingers.  Does your wife have hands?  These are the kinds of details I need when you’re asking questions, you guys. 

·    Oh, mighty and humble Bloggess, please bestow upon me your infinite wisdom in this difficult matter...I married a total a-hole because I got knocked up with his baby. Even though it was a rather tasteful and classy shotgun wedding, now I'm not so sure it was the brightest idea. I mainly did it to keep my jerk-off mother from calling my fetus a bastard child. Anyway, the baby ripped my va-hina on his way out and made sex painful for me. The a-hole hubby thinks all women are like porn stars and that I should want to happily take it up the pooper and then suck it off before he blows a load in my face. I would much rather just get a back rub, but even his back rubs hurt me they are so rough. Do I give the a-hole permission to go screw other chicks and live a sexless life? Or do I leave him, in which case he will go screw other chicks and I will live a sexless life back at home with my jerk-off mother? Oh, woe is me. Please help! ~ LMNOP

Wow.  Is this for real?  Honestly, is this a real letter?  Because it sounds like something pulled straight from a Lifetime movie.  One that stars Valerie Bertinelli and ends with a murder.  Run, sweetie.  If this is real, run away now.