Sexomnia: No one's falling for it, asshole.

·   Dear Bloggess:  My male friend told me that he was a sexomniac which is supposedly someone who has sex while asleep and then has no memory of it.  First off I was really weirded out by this but my question is a) do you think he’s making some kind of excuse in case he should try something with me? and b)have you ever even heard of anything like this? ~ Melissa

According to the internet, sexomnia does exist but the internet also says that Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite and that gang members are hiding under your car to stick you with syringes filled with AIDS so you can’t really trust anything you read there.   I’m pretty sure this guy is just laying the groundwork so he can assault you.  Next time he brings up being a sexomniac tell him that you understand his pain because you’re a stabaholic but that it’s not usually a problem for you because you only stab people who are trying to rape you while you’re sleeping.  Then smile and be like “Good luck with that.”  Also, you should probably start sleeping with a knife.  But for God’s sake, don’t put it under your pillow or you will stab yourself in the neck.  That totally happened to me once.  True story.

·   Dear Jenny (and readers), As a straight female, how many people can you have sex with until it means you are a slut? ~ Bonobo Ho

Men consider you to be a slut if you have sex with anyone who isn’t them.  And also, if you sleep with them once and then with anyone else ever again.  Women consider you to be a slut as soon as you've slept with one more guy than they have or when they don’t like your hair.  Basically you’re kind of fucked no matter what.  This is why I suggest only having sex with strangers that no one will ever know about or just with people you’re in a long-term relationship with.  Or maybe just stop caring about what those whores are labeling you as.  Because at the end of the day the only person who gets to judge you is yourself.  Unless you’ve slept with more people than I have.  Then you’re totally a slut. 

·   Dear The Bloggess: So at lunch today my boyfriend and I were discussing baby showers and how I do not like attending them because there are only so many times in your life that you can coo over ass cream (as in diaper rash cream) and be okay with it. The boyfriend assumes that the a$$ cream is for the mom. You know, as in lubrication for rectal rangering during the time that the mom isn't allowed to do the normal kind of sexy fun post-birth-giving. So my question is this? What in tarnation does my boyfriend think goes on at a baby shower? What should I do with this? Is it better that he thinks back-door-bingo is what he should expect after a baby instead of Blow-Pop-fun? I'm so confused. Best, Random

Wow.  I’m confused too.  How have I lived this long without ever hearing the phrase “rectal-rangering” before?  Because honestly, it kind of sings.  Except that my spell-check keeps trying to tell me that phrase doesn't exist and that instead I want “rectal-angering”.  Honestly, I don't think I want either one.  I don’t really have an answer for you but that phrase was just too good not to share.  I salute you (and your extremely misled and destined-to-be-disappointed boyfriend).