Use twitter or you're going to get murdered

·    Dear Bloggess:  Why won’t everyone stop asking me to get on twitter? ~ Georgia

Because twitter is awesome.  Also because it eats up several hours of your day and so you fall behind all of the other people who aren’t using twitter so we need everyone on so that we all stay even productivity-wise.  It would be like if suddenly 10% of your friends turned into vampires who didn’t have to sleep anymore and they used that time to better themselves and they took all the good jobs and got the promotion you were up for because you had to be unfairly unconscious while they were off taking night classes like a bunch of assholes.  Then we’d have to kill those 10% so that we could make it even again.  And also we’d have to kill them because they’re dangerous vampires.  Mostly because of the job competition thing though.  We’re still in a recession, y’all.  So basically get on twitter or you might be murdered is what I’m telling you.  Luckily for you I already wrote a small tutorial on how to not use twitter.  Is it cheating if I just link to it here?  Too bad.  Here it is.  I also have a short warning on what to do when twitter starts to molest you, which was much more valid before they changed the wording on twitter.  I can only assume twitter did this on purpose to fuck with me.

Above all, twitter is about using discretion, attacking William Shatner and getting really unhelpful advice.  Also, it’s to ask people if they remember the “Tato Skins commercial from the 80’s” when everyone else at your dinner party is all “What the fuck are you talking about?”  The people on twitter know the Tato Skin song and will sing it to you and make fun of the people at your dinner party for making you feel stupid.  Then you’ll show everyone at the party your twitter responses on your phone and you’ll be all “SEE!” and your husband will accuse you of being addicted to twitter and you will be all “I cannot believe you just said that” and then you’ll tweet that shit out and everyone else on twitter will not be able to believe it either and your husband will say that you are proving his point but you’ll be too busy reply to all your replies to yell at him so twitter just saved you from fighting.  If anything, my husband owes twitter a thank you letter.

Sadly, people on twitter are also very good at tweeting out meaningless crap which should not be tweeted at all and then retweeting meaningless crap written by someone else just in case you missed it.  Especially if it comes from a celebrity.  If you see something like “RT @Oprah: ‘I’m in the make-up chair now.’  ZOMG OPRAH, I like eyeshadow!” you should immediately unfollow that person and also block them and send them a cobra in the mail.  Or just ignore them.  Or make fun of them.  Whatever works best for you.  That’s the great thing about twitter.  There are no rules. 

In fact, I’m going to spend this morning retweeting shit that shouldn’t be retweeted because it sounds like fun and it distracts me from all my looming deadlines.  You should do that too so that we all fall behind together.  This is what community is all about, y’all.