Death by bacon

·  Dear Bloggess: Yesterday, I met the world's fattest cat. Like, my cat is pretty damn fat, and this cat made my cat look bulamerxic. (A mix of anorexic and bulimic.) Anyway, the owner is my boyfriend's dad's girlfriend and she is insane. She was feeding this cat bacon. BACON. How do I save this poor unfortunate feline? ~ CatActivist123

I appreciate your initiative but no one wants to be saved from bacon.  Even cats.  In fact, I would suspect that most cats would prefer death-by-bacon over death-by-being-hit-by-a-car or death-by-euthanasia-because-I-wouldn’t-stop-peeing-on-the-couch.  In fact, death-by-bacon sounds like an awesome way to go.  Now I’m craving a bacon sandwich.  Except the bread would be made of bacon.  And the mayonnaise is mixed with bacon bits. And it’s wrapped up in a napkin.  Made of bacon.  Mmmmm…bacon.

·  Question: So, I'm about to go on a three week religious fast and I need your sagely advice. Do clowns count as food? And if so, which food group? Cause I totally say they're in the meat category, but my husband says they're too fruity for that. Also, how many times can you get away with calling licorice a vegetable before people call bullshit on you? ~ CyraEm

You should never eat clowns because they taste funny.  *Rimshot*  Actually, you shouldn’t eat clowns because cannibalism is illegal and will give you brain lesions.  True story.  Licorice is sort of a vegetable since it’s made from a root so I think you can get away with your claims. Surprisingly though, licorice can be deadly when eaten in large amounts and recently a woman was hospitalized for eating too much.  So I guess technically it’s kind of healthier to eat clowns than it is to eat licorice.  Maybe skip both of them and have some healthy bacon instead.

·  Question: When trying to get to my seat a movie theatre or sporting event, do I face my ass or my crotch towards the other patrons? ~ Lily

Always choose ass.  Because if you put your crotch toward their face you’ll be looking down at them to make sure you don’t hit them with your crotch and they’ll be looking at your crotch because it’s right there screaming “Look at me!  I’m a crotch!” and then they’ll notice that you’re looking at them looking at your crotch and then it’s awkward for everyone.  This never happens with ass.