I miss banana-clips

·   Dear Bloggess:  I’m a recovering alcoholic and I’m about to go spend a week with old friends who are all big-time drinkers.  I don’t mind them drinking in front of me but how do I stop them from pressuring me into drinking?  They make me feel like such a prude. ~ Lorainne

“Not drinking” is the new “drinking” so technically you’re a trend-setter and you should probably look down your nose at your friends.  Unless I’m one of them.  Then you need to stop judging me.  It’s a lot like when banana-clips went out of style but I couldn’t say no to my banana-clip because it was the only thing that stayed in my hair so I just kept wearing it even though it was horribly inappropriate and I’d pressure everyone else to wear banana-clips too because then I’d feel less stupid if I wasn’t alone.  Drinking is like banana-clips.  It’s not going to help your reputation but sometimes people just can’t let go.  But you, lucky girl, have thrown away your symbolic banana-clips and should proudly wear your whatever-the-cool-sober-people-are-wearing-now.  And when the drunks pressure you just say “I’LL NEVER GO BACK TO BANANA-CLIPS” and they’ll think you’re insane but that’s okay because they’re probably too drunk to remember it anyway.  Or they might just assume that you actually are drunk because why else would you be talking about banana-clips at a bar?  Either way, I’m pretty sure you win. 

·   Dear bloggess:  I feel like I’m doing too much for my boyfriend and he feels like he’s doing too much for me. Who's right? ~Sausage McB

You know how when your cat is allergic to itself and he jumps up on you and he has these tiny, crusty boogers on his nose and he tries to rub them on you to get them off and you’re all “Ew, gross!” and then he gives you this hurt look like "I'm just trying to love you" and so you feel guilty so you decide to pull off the cat bogies but then when you do you don’t have a Kleenex to wipe them on and you just got comfortable on the couch so instead you wipe them on the cat and then the cat looks at you like “Really?”  And you’re all “What?” and he’s like “I can’t fucking believe you just did that” and you’re all “I’M HELPING” and then he shakes his fur and the snot balls fly off and one lands on your cheek and you’re all “YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE” and he’s all “Of course I didn't.  I’m a cat.  I can’t even talk” and you’re like “That’s no excuse for being an asshole”?  That’s exactly what relationships are like.  Sometimes you’re the cat and sometimes you’re the owner but either way you love and depend on the other too much to euthanize them or to scratch their eyes out while they sleep.  And that's how you know you're in a relationship.  I forgot what your question was but I think the answer is "Maybe get a dog".