Askthebloggess

Beauty is skin deep but a good liver lasts years.

Jenny, bloggess — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:51:17 GMT

Dear Bloggess: My ex-boyfriend dumped me and is marrying this woman who is so ugly she makes my bones hurt. She’s not nearly as pretty as me. WHY IS HE DOING THIS? Seriously. She’s REALLY ugly. ~ Lecia

Lecia ~ Sounds like you’re paying too much attention to appearances. Sometimes people are beautiful on the inside. Like, maybe she has a really sexy liver. Does your boyfriend drink a lot? He might just be marrying her so he can poison her and then harvest her organs. And then he’ll come back to you and he’ll be able to drink even more than before. Except he shouldn't poison her because that damages the liver. Congratulations. You're in love with a dumb murderer who doesn't understand biology. Unless he's planning on just strangling her. Then he's not as dumb as I thought. Plus you can have her eyes. Made into earrings. Unless you’re blind. Then you should use them as real eyes. This is all basic common sense stuff here, Lecia.

Dear the Bloggess: I need to learn Mandarin Chinese to impress a guy. Can you help? ~ Jezebel98

When I had to learn French I had a really hard time with pronuncation so I’d just use little tricks to help me. Like, I used to pronounce “boulangerie” as “bow- lingering” but then I realized I could just picture a Werewolf Sex Shop and I’d just think “Boo. Lingerie”. Bingo. Now I can ask for Werewolf lingerie in French. Which does not come in handy, surprisingly. Also, I just had to look up “boulangerie” because I didn’t have a trick to remember how to spell it and turns out it means “bread shop”. The fuck? No wonder I always get escorted out of boulangeries by the police. La Policia. I’m not sure if that’s really French for “police” but it feels right.

Dear the Bloggess: Why do so many people say “Dear the Bloggess”? Shouldn’t it be “Dear Bloggess”?

Maybe those people are Canadian. I think the “the” is silent in Canada. Those people are all fucked up.

Dear the Bloggess: Just hypothetically…because I’ve never done this because obviously this would be something only a terrible person would do…have you ever accidentally run over your boyfriend’s cat with your car and then left it there in the street all day so that when he found it when you were both leaving for dinner you could act shocked and pretend you hadn’t accidentally done it yourself? ~ Genevieve

Not accidentally. No.

Just an FYI: You're only supposed to have one butt.

Jenny, bloggess — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:00:24 GMT

· Dear Bloggess: My husband always want to slap me on the butts, like every f...ing time he pass by me, at first it was funny but now I don't feel it so funny anymore. How can I make him stop slapping me so much? ~ Geminix07

I think the more important question here is “why do you have more than one butt?” Because you’re only supposed to have one. Is it possible your husband thinks your other butt is some sort of leech and he’s trying to whack it off you? Or are you like my friend whose daughter refers to her vagina as her “front butt”? Because if your husband is slapping you in the vagina that is totally uncalled for. I understand why you’re mad. It would make me furious if someone was just haphazardly slapping me in the vagina. Inappropriate, that’s what that is. Threaten to press charges. Or just mirror the same mischevious smile he has on his face and slap his ballsack as hard as you can. Then be all “I love slapping! Your turn again!” Then kick him in the ballsack. And tell him you kicked because your hand is tired from slapping. Then when he’s doubled-over in pain say “Okay. Fine, whiney. No more slapping today. But if you want some more just slap me on the butt(s) again and I’ll get my slapping foot out. I could do this all day!” Then walk away. He will never slap any of your butts again.

· Dear Bloggess: What is the funniest bear? ~ Lauren

Polar bear, for sure. Unless you mean “ironically funny”. Then I’d go with Panda. All bears are funny though. Except for bear cubs. Bear cubs are trying too hard.

· Dear Bloggess, I need your help. I am dating a guy. He's awesome, but for my last religious holiday, he wanted to join in for a day of fasting to 'support me.' He's atheist. For one, it isn't something you can really do without believing in my God. Two, it involves fasting, and I don't know what to think about a person who would starve themselves for what they think is an imaginary friend. I told him okay, which is more than a lot of people in my position would do, but I tried to talk him out of it... and he FLIPPED. Yelled a lot and stormed out of the room. I'm just wondering, is this how normal gays act? I've never dated a full gay before. Maybe I lucked out and avoided the drama whores? Should I just laugh nervously and make no sudden movements? Or smack him one to bring him back to his senses? Gently, of course, but is it necessary? (I had to type this again because the caption wouldn't accept 'invisible-stiletto' as an answer for a foot randomly standing on tip-toe.) ~ Tad

Wait, what did you mean when you said you’ve “never dated a full gay before”? Like, you only dated gay amputees previously? Because, frankly Tad, that’s odd. I mean, dating one gay amputee is fine but more than one? That’s a weird pattern. How are you even finding them? I’ve never even met a gay amputee. Unless maybe you work at an amputee hospital and you’re so devoted to your work that amputees are really the only people you ever see so then it’s statistically logical that you would date a lot of gay amputees. Then it’s totally cool. A little heroic even because I imagine that amputees that just got out of the hospital probably have a lot of emotional baggage that you have to deal with. Maybe you just need to get used to dealing with non-amputees. I think you should let your non-amputee boyfriend starve for your imaginary friend if he wants to because it’s not fair to either of you to hold him to the standards of your amputated, gay ex-lovers. My God…if I had a nickel for every time I’ve said that before.

The secret codes of friendship

Jenny, bloggess — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:44:51 GMT

· What's your opinion of your calves? ~ Shutterbitch

I don’t raise cattle. But if I did they’d probably be totally hot.

· I mean the calves on your legs. I have no idea if you have cows. You could, living in Texas. & most baby cows are actually cute. ~shutterbitch.

Oh. Um, they're fine. "Shapley", I guess? Personally I’m more concerned about my kneecaps though because the other day I went shopping for jeans with my friend Karen but the jeans made my kneecaps look sad and Karen was all “Why are you so obsessed with kneecaps?” and I’m all “Just tell me the truth…do my knees look fat in this?” and then she considered walking out but I was all “You don’t understand because you’ve never been fat, but chunky chicks' kneecaps bend backward sometimes so I always have to tell myself to bend my kneecaps and not lock them and you can’t see my kneecaps in these jeans so they kind of look automatically fat because you can’t tell they’re being bent.” Then my friend said I needed help. She’s wrong. I just need jeans that show off how well I can bend my knees.

· Dear Jenny, At my wedding reception, a "friend" was actively trying to get my guests to leave early to go to a roller skating party with her. She's a grown woman and not only should she have realized by now that roller skating is not nearly as much fun as it sounds, but she should know better than to ask my maid of honor to leave the wedding early to FUCKING ROLLER SKATE. My question is: Is this person a giant C-word? Or am I being too harsh? ~ Really Steamed

Your friend is an idiot. Roller skating is one of those things that is never as fun as it sounds. But then again, attending a wedding is kind of the same way. But at weddings there’s usually free booze. Did you have an open bar at your wedding? If so, your friend is probably mentally ill and you should feel sorry for her. If not then maybe “roller skating party” was code for “Let’s go find a bar that plays kareoke music” in which case you probably should have gone with her. This is why I insist all my friends write their secret code phrases into my address book so I can look them up whenever they say anything. Except a lot of times I’m looking up the phrase and they’re all “No. It’s not a code. I’m really asking you if I can use your bathroom.” That’s why I always ask them to preface anything they say with “This isn’t a secret code”. Usually they forget though and so even though I know they’re probably really asking me if I want to meet for lunch I huff and go through the motions of looking it up in the secret codeword phrasebook until they say “Fuck! This isn’t a secret code!” because otherwise how are they ever going to learn?

I don’t have a lot of friends.

Your baby pushed me down the stairs

Jenny, bloggess — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 14:50:41 GMT

· Dear Bloggess: I had brunch with a friend and her newborn today. I have been infertile for 32,847 years. She lambasted me for not being enthusiastic enough during her pregnancy despite the fact that I did make genuine and sincere efforts to contact her and congratulate her. I think maybe I don't want to be friends with her anymore. Please advise. ~ infertilemyrtle

Your friend is just crazy with hormones and sleep-deprivation and is not in her right mind so you can’t really hold it against her for being a douche-canoe. At the same time though? You’re not going to want to be friends with her for awhile because she’s going through the hell of being a new mom and you’re going through the hell of not even getting to go through the hell of being a new mom and I’ve been in both of those positions and they both suck. That’s why you should just tell her that you can’t hang out with her anymore because her baby’s being an asshole. Tell her that you think that she’s an enabler since she’s staying with the baby even though he destroyed her vagina and that you just can’t stand by and watch a friend get battered like that by a baby. And ask if you can see her stitches. And when she says “no” then say “That’s the first sign of domestic violence. Hiding your injuries.” Then lean in so the baby can’t hear you and tell her that the baby called you fat when she was in the bathroom. Your friend’ll probably refuse to speak to you again until the baby’s two years old and then you can just tell her that you never said anything like that because “that’s fucking crazy” and that she must have been hallucinating from lack of sleep. Unless you still can’t stand her when her baby is two. Then tell her that her you can’t hang out with her because her baby tried to push you down the stairs.

· Dear Bloggess, I am single. Very single. So single I have not had a date in over a year, and then it was with some guy who could talk about nothing but his family's geneology and Battlestar Galactica for hours. My friends say all the guys I've gone out with are obnoxious know-it-alls. I've asked them to find me better guys, but they don't know any. I've tried online dating, singles groups, and church -- no luck. I'm going to be 40 soon so I'm running out of time. Where are all the non-obnoxious men hiding and how do I meet them? ~ thirtynineandthreequarters

Forty is the new 32 so no worries on that. I would however be concerned about your lack of commitment to getting hooked up. Have you ever even watched Battlestar Galactica? Because it’s kind of kick-ass. Honestly, it’s like you’re not even trying.

· Dear Bloggess: So I'm totally having sex with a guy at work and no one knows. The thing is I'm 38 and he's 28 and SUPER HOT so I completely WANT people to know. How do I let people find out without him knowing it was me?? ~ Steamy

Start a rumor that he’s blowing his boss to get a promotion. Then he’ll start telling everyone he’s sleeping with you just to defend his himself. Or wait until he sends out a mass email and then reply to all with something like “I WANT YOU TO PLOW ME. Again.” Then send another email out that says “Oh my Gosh. I just want to apologize for that last email. I can not believe I hit ‘reply all’. I hate it when people do that. My bad.” And then send another one that says “Oh, and also I apologize for exposing all of you to the ‘plowing’. The ‘plowing’ is private. And awesome. And very aerobic.” Then send another email resigning because it looks better on your resume to say that you quit rather than that you were fired and forcibly removed from the premises for abusing the email system by writing company-wide emails about plowing. And in your resignation letter say you’re quitting because of over-exhaustion from “too much plowing”. That would be awesome.

What to do when you find a mushroom in your belly-button.

Jenny, bloggess — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 22:55:32 GMT

· Dear Bloggess: Ok, here's my problem: I am dating a really great/sexy/awesome guy. He keeps in shape and is very handsome. The problem that he refuses to walk around naked in front of me. He seriously NEVER does it. It has become somewhat of a joke between us. After having sex he waits until I get up to do so, it's ridiculous. So my question is why do you think he has such a problem with it and how can I convince him to get the hell over it? I want to be able to watch him walk away. Not in a creepy way. Well maybe in a creepy way. Help! ~ ARF

You know, technically I don’t like to walk around naked either so maybe it’s just that he’s self-conscious and needs some encouragement. Or maybe it’s like when an animal won’t show you its belly until they trust you completely. Or maybe someone tattooed “Property of Butch” on his ass when he was in prison. Or maybe he has a superfluous nipple on his back. These things happen. I suggest honest communication. Ask him “Do you have a superfluous nipple on your butt? Because I will support you in that.” But don’t say that if the idea of a superfluous nipple creeps you out because you need to be honest. But keep in mind that there are a lot of people with superfluous nipples out there. Like, way more than you think. In fact, the other day I think I thought I found one on forehead but turns out it was a spider bite. It was a close call. Basically what I’m saying is that if you’re planning on dumping this guy for a superfluous ass nipple I think maybe you should do a little soul-searching and think about how you’d feel if later someone discovers a superfluous third nipple on you. Because that could totally happen, my friend. And then where would you be? Screwed, that’s where.

· Dear Bloggess, I am a poor grad student. Because of textbooks and school fees, I'm going to squeak through September with little cash. What's the most absolutely fucking cheap diet you can recommend, that won't give me scurvy? ~ Nick

Back when I was in college, my best friend took me under his wing and taught me how to survive on pennies a day. We found a place nearby that had unlimited refills if you bought their cups but it was a scam because the cup was paper and got soggy immediately so we’d take the flimsy cup and laminate it with saran-wrap so it wouldn’t get soggy and then we’d go in every day with our saran-wrap cups for free refills. Also, at the movie snack stand they usually have a bunch of free relish, catsup, cheese and butter-flavoring. Bring ziplog bags with you and fill up on the way out. Ramen noodles are your friend. Pour complimentary pouches of lemon juice on it to prevent scurvey. Make friends with the people who own chinese buffets and ask if you can buy their leftovers. Once I got 32 springrolls for two dollars. That was a hell of a day. My other best friend in college got hit by a train on her bike and got free food at the hospital, plus a massive settlement. When she was still recovering we’d stop by and cheer her up and then we’d tell the nurses she needed more food and we’d then eat it all. She still has a limp but it was kind of awesome for the rest of us.

· Dear Bloggess, The other day my boyfriend and I were doing the down and dirty. Mind bump-n-grind he noticed that I had something in my belly button. I laughed it off finished the deed and sprinted for the bathroom. I pulled the lint out, only its not lint. It's a mushroom. What do I do? ~ Linty McLints A Lot

I think you need to go to the doctor. Unless, maybe you just like to store mushrooms in your belly botton in case you get trapped in an elevator. Then you need to see a psychiatrist.

· Dear Bloggess: Me again. And I don't mean mushroom like I am fat and accidentally dropped one in there or placed it there for later. I mean like it was growing in my belly button. Me, mushroom, grow, bellybutton. Got it? ~ Linty McLints A Lot

Got it. Doctor. Go see one yesterday.

Shallow People Need Help Too.

Jenny, bloggess — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:30:49 GMT

· Dear Bloggess: Are crocs manly? I hate that I like to wear them now. HATE. I need to know if I am dooming myself to someday wear a mumu. These things like to snowball… ~ nichiren24

Dude. Wearing crocs is like the manliest thing ever. The only thing more manly is if you wore a vest made out of a shark. With sleeves made out of leapard arms and gloves made from panther paws. Which you killed with your bare hands. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. And aren’t crocodiles even more dangerous than sharks? I say so because crocodiles can fight you on land and in the water but when you drag a shark out in the desert he’s kind of fucked after about 10 minutes. In conclusion, yes, crocs are totally manly. Unless you’re referring to those little plastic shoes. Those aren’t really manly at all. But you know what? Wear ‘em anyway. You know what I’m wearing today? A t-shirt from an opium den and square-dancing skirt. True story. And it’s awesome. Just wear those crocs with enough confidence (and a large gun if you have one) and no one is going to fuck with you.

· Dear bloggess help me! I have realized that I am sooooo shallow. Like, it’s so bad. I'll meet someone with a great personality and an ugly face and not be fully into them, not realizing that its completely because they’re ugly. What should I do? -Shallow bitch

You only think this is a problem because you’ve been trained by society to thing judging people on appearance is bad but lucky for you, there are a lot of shallow men out there who are only looking for a hot body so you just have to find one of those guys and marry him. Bingo. Except that in 10 years you’ll start to sag and gain weight and he’ll leave you for the babysitter. But then you get plastic surgery and become a cougar and have superficial flings with many, many hot men and then when you get to be 50 you realize your life is empty and you get hit by a car and go blind and realize how ironic it is because you can’t even see yourself get old and you put on your make-up wrong because you can’t see but then some guy falls in love with you anyway and you fall in love with him even though you assume he’s fugly since he’s with someone who accidentally puts lipliner on her eyes but then on your deathbed you feel his face and find out he was hot all along and you realize that you finally learned to not actually care about looks and see the beauty inside people and then they make your story into one of those tragic Lifetime movies which is awesome, except that now you’re dead so you don’t get any of the money from it. That’s why it’s so tragic.

· Dear Bloggess, My boyfriend is an avid hunter. When he has had a few rounds, he becomes an avid "annoy my girlfriend by blowing my hunting calls inside the truck as she drives my drunken self home from the party" man. How can I convince him of the danger of this act without actually shoving said hunting calls down his throat? ~ Elizabeth

Next time he does it start laughing and tell him that he’s blowing on a butt plug. Then when he insists that it’s his duck call be all “Are you kidding? Just how drunk are you? That’s totally a butt plug” and then he’ll start doubting himself and he’ll be all “What? No. I’m pretty sure this is my duck call” and then you be like “No. That’s totally a butt plug. Where did you even get that?!” and then take it and toss it out the window and make him gargle when he gets home and then later when he asks where his duck call went tell him you thought you saw him trading it for a butt plug at the party and then he’ll vaguely remember something about a butt plug and will never bring it up again.

I'm not sure but I think I just got a question from Fonzie.

Jenny, bloggess — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:25:50 GMT

· Dear Blogess, What can I do to keep semi or totally weird men from talking to me in the public transit? ~ Papermaiden

Make up a language that doesn’t exist and say the same phrase to them over and over with various inflections until they leave you alone. I personally use “Je ne butchita ruby kosack” but there are no real rules on this. Don’t use a real language though because weird people are often bilingual and then they’ll try to talk to you in whatever language you chose and then you’re fucked because he only thing worse than talking to weird men on the bus is having your Latin criticized by weird men on the bus. And getting stabbed by weird men on the bus. That one’s bad too.

· Dear Bloggess, I just got an email from this friend of mine. Apparently I was quite mean to her whilst drunk last week. I obviously don't remember this at all. The email was an entreaty of sorts. She was offering me the chance to make amends. My first impulse was to reply with, "Yo, sorry about that. I'm an alcoholic," but then I started thinking about it and I've decided that I'm not sorry. I don't know why I was mad, but like, fuck her. I don't want to be friends anymore. Drunk Me just knew it before Sober Me. My question is: should I just not respond to her email? Or should I get piss drunk and be mean again? Or like, get drunk and not respond to her email? Or is all this going to end in a stabbing? ~ notreallyabadperson

Being mean is never good, even when drunk. Your best bet is open communication so that all the hurt is addressed and can be dealt with in a healing way so you can move on with your relationship. Except I just re-read your question and you actually want to get rid of this chick, so never mind. You are totally on the right track. Except that she’s going to tell all your other friends what a bitch you and no one wants that. Instead email her and tell her you were being mean because someone left you an anonymous note linking her to the murder of your dead parents and then tell her that out of respect for your friendship you won’t tell the cops but that she needs to never talk to you again because it’s too painful. And everytime she tries to explain that she never murdered your parents just scream “YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE.” Then you win. Except if she knows your parents you might need to fake their murder just so this all makes sense. I’m sure your parents will understand though. And if they don’t it’s probably because they don’t love you enough. Or possibly they’re just being mean to you because they’re drunk. That shit happens a lot from what I hear.

· Dear miss "she rocketh" i have a friend with a severe case of the flatulence and on top of that he always has the urge to take a dump. what could be his problem and what can he do about it, eh? ~ JD

JD, it sounds like your friend just needs to poop. I suggest pooping. Problem solved. Also, I assume by your “eh?” that you are Canadian and when I started this advice column I vowed that I’d fix America first before moving on to “America’s Hat” but I’m pretty I’ve fixed most of the America so I think we’re cool. Or maybe you’re Fonzie? In which case you are spelling “Ayyy” wrong but that kind of makes sense because wasn’t there a very-special-episode where Fonzie admitted he can’t spell? I think there was. Or I may have just dreamed that. Go poop, Fonzie. We’ll wait.

Stop fucking with the alcoholics, you guys.

Jenny, bloggess — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:22:22 GMT

· Dear Jenny the bloggess, I recently came to the awesome place veteran fuck-ups like to refer to as "rock bottom" and wound up in hospital, then in A.A. It was pretty bad, they took all my clothes so that at many, many points in the ordeal I had to walk barefoot to the bathroom dragging an I.V. The hospital took my clothes, not the alcoholics. The alcoholics have clothes. Mostly. I have no problem with this now (I *seriously* need to continue with A.A, even though they're kind of God-Squad) but I'm only 20, and New Zealand has an intense drinking culture. What's a kickass way to respond to people who want me to drink? ~ Eleanor

Eleanore: First of all? You rock. That’s a lot of shit to go through at 20 and I salute you. I have a lot of friends who don’t drink because they’re alcoholics and most of them just say “None for me. I have a drinking problem” and that works except for when other people say “It’s not a problem. You drink. You fall down. You wake up two days later. No problem!” and then you want to stab them because they’re assholes and also because they stole that whole thing from a t-shirt. But I’ve compiled several options for you to help get the drinkers off your back.

1. Tell the people you’re with that you are an alcoholic and would appreciate their support. Hand them a pamphlet about alcoholism. Educate them. Most of them will never talk to you again because they’ll think that you’re implying that they’re alcoholics. Because they probably are.

2. Tell them you can’t drink because your dog was killed in a drunk-driving accident and now you think it’s your duty to stay sober so you can be a designated driver and save other people’s dogs. Because you’re kind of a hero. Except that now you’ll have to drive drunks around and they never remember their address and your car is going to smell like vomit all the time. Maybe just call them all taxis instead.

3. Tell them you can’t drink because you’ve already had way too much heroin.

4. Tell them that your shrink told you that you can’t drink because it mixes with your meds and that last time you drank when you regained consciousness you were standing over the bartender and you’d somehow gouged out his eye with a spoon. Say this in front of the bartender so he’ll refuse to serve you even if your friends get too drunk to remember the story later.

5. Order water in a tumbler. Pretend it’s vodka and that you just have a kick-ass alcohol tolerance. Make fun of your friends who are light-weights, then a month later decide to stop drinking because your “tolerance is so high that it’s a waste of money”.

6. Say you’re allergic to alcohol and even a single sip could kill you and that whoever you’re with would probably be charged with your murder and you’re just trying to protect them from prison. Then tell them that they don’t even have to thank you because that’s just the kind of person you are. And later when they’re too drunk to remember that you said that you’re allergic and they tell you to just have a damn drink you can be all “I’m saving you from yourself.” Plus, it sounds really heroic and Christ-like and everyone at the bar will be impressed and want to sleep with you. Except that you’re a girl so everyone at the bar probably already wants to sleep with you. That’s the great thing about having a vagina.

· Dear Jenny The Bloggess, It is unfortunate to say this, but my parents really are evil people (believe me it is true but I'd have to write a freakin book to explain how... so just believe me on this one). To them I am a major disappointment... why? I don't live on the same street as them. But I have a great job, life, and turned out to be a damn good person. I would like to tell them to leave me alone, or find some way to never deal with them again. What do you think I should do? –Ace

Ace, do your parents live on Sesame Street? The reason I ask is that it seems like the kids of the people who live on Sesame Street are forced to stay there and never grow up and it’s kind of sad really. It’s like they’re in a state of arrested development. I guess what I’m saying is that if you are on Sesame Street you should move because it’s kind of lame and if you aren’t on Sesame Street you need to just distance yourself from your parents because if they’re disappointed in you now just for not living on the right street imagine how upset they’ll be when you get arrested for drug smuggling. Consider a pre-emptive strike and fake your own death or maybe do something to have them disown you. I suggest doing porn, because that way you get disowned and you make some walking-around money. So basically, everyone wins.

Don't cook your baby. Simple as that, people.

Jenny, bloggess — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 15:42:52 GMT

· Dear the bloggess: clearly, the image that i saw when i followed this link is the most hilarious and awesome thing ever. i was practically cheering when i saw it. my question is: what is wrong with all the commenters? am i suddenly in some sort of alternate universe? seriously, the tone of the comments disturbs me and makes me worried for the world in general, and i thought maybe you could help make me feel better. ~ lacey

Holy crap. It’s not you. It’s the rest of the world that’s fucked up. That is the most awesome baby costume ever and all those people who are demanding that it be removed from the website are probably just sensitive about it because it reminds them of that time they wanted to cook their baby. Clearly these people have problems because you’re not supposed to want to cook your baby. Like, ever. That’s kind of my advice for the day: Don’t cook your baby.

· Dear Bloggess, what should I do with my mother's ashes? She wasn't very nice, and I'm afraid to spread them since they might gravitate to the rest of her ashes and she might reform. By reform I mean become whole, not reform from her evil ways because that would be kinda cool. ~ Rikki

Do you still have the body? If so, cut the head off before it gets cremated. Keep the head separate and have it cremated separately and keep those ashes in a sealed vault. Money-saving hint: If you take the head to your vet and tell them that it’s your cat they’ll cremate it for way cheaper than a mortuary. But be sure to put the head in something really well-sealed and warn them that the cat exploded and there’s blood and urine everywhere so they won’t be tempted to open up the bag and see that it’s actually a human head and not a cat. Trust me, it’s a huge hassle to have to explain if they find the head and then you have to get a new vet because they’ll ask you to never come back. Don’t ask me how I know this.

· So, Jenny the Bloggess, I have a question for you. I have this friend who 90% of the time an awesome friend. But that 10% of the time she's really shitty. And it usually involves men. She's got a fiance and is off the market, but whenever we go out and someone shows an interest in me she gets that look of crazy over her and, in attempts to draw attention her way, will throw me under the metaphorical bus. She brings up weird things like, "did you know her right boob is bigger than her left?" and generally just makes fun of me or talks badly about me in a semi joking manner to the guy I'm talking to ultimately resulting in them scurrying away in the other direction or throwing looks of pity my way..like last night she spent 10 minutes trying to convince this guy that I'm a cold-hearted medusa who eats puppy intestines for breakfast. Whats the deal? How do I get her to stop - that doesn't involve stabbing? ~ AnnaLynn

I hate to break it to you, AnnaLynn, but that girl is not your friend. She’s evil and is trying to destroy you. She’s just really good at hiding it 90% of the time. I mean, probably it’s just that she has low self-esteem but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s an asshole. Tell her to stop being an asshole or you’ll stop being her friend. Trust me, there are plenty of assholes out there to replace her with and some of them probably have the same shoe size as you so you can steal their shoes. That’s kind of the only good reason to hang out with assholes. They often have good shoes. Also, if you decide to stick with the asshole and she brings up the fact that one of your boobs is bigger than the other again just look at the dude she’s talking to and say “She’s right. One boob is big and magnificent. And the other one is even bigger. It’s kind of awesome.” And then turn to your friend and stage-whisper “But don’t worry, friend. You’re going to blossom any day now. I just know it”. Then turn to the dude and shake your head like “No. She’s really not going to. It’s tragic really”. Because if you’re going to hang out with assholes you should at least have fun fucking with them.

The wrong way to dump someone

Jenny, bloggess — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:35:02 GMT

· Dearest Bloggess ~ Our 9 yr. old son wants to quit football. This is his second year playing and he is quite good. I'm not sure we should let him because I don't want him to grow up and be a quitter. My husband took him to football practice last evening and apparently my son had a bad attitude which resulted in the whole team having to run laps. I heard tires squealing and stones flying as my husband came home with our son from practice. My husband was hollering and carrying on and my son was in tears. To me, football is not worth all this commotion. Although I told my son this a.m. that he had to let me know after school what he wanted to do, quit or finish out the season...as I'm sitting at work, I'm thinking we should force him to finish out the season. Maybe he'll thank us? Maybe he'll hate us and kill us in our sleep? Please help! ~ Badmomma

Okay, remember in Full Metal Jacket when that one slow guy kept fucking up and everyone else got punished for it and so one night the whole troop tied him to his bed and beat him violently with soap bars wrapped in tube socks? That’s basically what your son’s coach is setting him up for. And in the end that guy turns into a psychopath and kills the drill instructer and himself so maybe you should put your son in tennis instead. Also, spoiler alert: I think I just fucked up Full Metal Jacket for you if you hadn’t seen it already.

· Dear TheBloggess, So I went on a date with this seemingly cool guy. Things went fairly well even though he's slightly overweight and smokes. I thought I could get over that because I'm not that shallow. We talked a few nights after the date until I realized I'd prefer a muscular non-smoker. Thinking he'd take this well, especially since we've only talked no more than 5 days, I told him I wasn't feeling it. He then proceeded to freak out as if we've been dating for years. I mean this dude was crazier than a fucking coconut. He kept insisting he was a catch and I was missing out. Here's my question. Is there any easy way to pinpoint the psychos when you first meet them? Also, what should I do if this crazy tries to hunt me down? ~STILLinSHOCK

Let me ask you something: When you told him you weren’t into it did you say something like “Hang on. I just realized that I’d prefer a muscular non-smoker”. Because if so, you’re kind of asking to get stabbed. Here are a few examples of the right and wrong way to dump people:

Good way to dump someone: I thought I was ready to date again but I was wrong. I’m still fucked up and violent. You should run away now.

Bad way to dump someone: I’ve been talking to my friends and they all agree I could do way better.

Good way: I just found out I have a lot of VD. Like, all of them. It’s not fair to you to expose you to that. Also, you should get tested for tuberculosis as soon as possible.

Bad way: I’m just not attracted to you. Is your son single?

Good way: There’s something wrong with me and I am unable to commit. I’ll write you a letter of recommendation for your next date though. Would you like a hand-job on the way out?

Bad way: I’m just too tired to fake all my orgasms anymore. Honestly, it’s fucking exhausting. Here’s a set of kitchen knives as a parting gift.

"Bitchface" is the new "evil eye". I assume.

Jenny, bloggess — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:41:53 GMT

· Dear Bloggess: Please advise how I can get vicodin in the UK because it isn't approved over here ~ Firehorse_on_SL

Move to America. Or you could have it mailed to you but you might get arrested so probably if you’re going to take those sorts of chances you should skip the vicodin and go straight to smuggling heroin. Or robbing banks. Or robbing banks to pay other people to smuggle heroin for you. Basically this whole question proves exactly why vicodin should be legalized everywhere. Because drugs cause crime.

· Dear Jenny the Bloggess, So at my school there's this guy I see around campus all the time who gives me the nastiest stares all the time. Like, his bitchface is so frightening that it could turn you to stone. He started giving me the bitchface a year ago when he assumed I wanted his dick for no reason. Now I see him all the time and I'm terrified. His evil, gay glare haunts me every time I walk by, but I'm too scared to make eye contact, say anything or just all-around cause conflict for fear that he will use his eyes to melt my face like that guy who picked the wrong Holy Grail at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade... I've contemplated getting my (much cuter) boyfriend to just push him in front of a car, but that's not exactly...well... legal. Help a homo out. –Roberto

Next time he gives you the bitchface just huff with frustration and scream “FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, KEN: I DON’T DATE MEN WITH AIRBORNE GONNORHEA”. Then walk away like you can’t even believe you’re still having to explain this to him. He’ll never bother you again. Or he’ll punch you. But if he does he’s kind of an asshole because you shouldn’t get mad about getting lumped in with people who have gonnorhea. Especially because I think that’s treatable. Or not. I should look this shit up. My point is that he’ll probably have to go to the doctor just to prove to everyone that he doesn’t actually have gonnorhea and everyone needs to be tested occasionally so technically it’s like you’re doing him a favor. He’ll probably thank you later. Unless during his check up they find out he has testicular cancer. No ever thanks you for that.

· Dear Bloggess, I sleep like the dead. Well, more like the undead, because I can do stuff, like deactivate alarms and make false promises, all the while not coming out of an REM state. I can sleep through thunderstorms, clock radios, and hundreds of inner-city schoolchildren screaming right outside my window. This is not a useful skill. My sleep self has no concept of what is best for my waking self, and causes me to be frequently late to both academic and social gatherings. I fear that if an emergency situation were to arise, I would not be able to save myself due to my minds "sleep before all else" priorities. Please Bloggess, how do I train myself to be a light sleeper? ~ Devin

Dear Devin, I am going to shoot you in the face. Oh my God, NO I’M NOT. I’m so sorry. I’m just not myself because I have chronic insomnia and haven’t been sleeping and I read your question about being able to sleep too well and I kind of wanted to rip off your balls and push them through your nose while-OH MY GOD. Seriously, what is wrong with me?! I’m so sorry. That was totally uncalled for. Okay, honestly? The best way to MAKE yourself wake up is to drink a ton of water before going to sleep and you’ll be forced to get up to pee. I learned that technique from the ancient Native Americans. And by “Native Americans” I mean “an episode of The Simpsons”.

Apparently you actually can be too good at blow jobs.

Jenny, bloggess — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:49:02 GMT

· Dear Bloggess: Is it cruel to kill lobsters so I can steal their claws and then make them mechanised and pinch my friends with remote-controlled dead lobster claws? ~ Raz

More like it’s cruel not to. Mechanized lobster claws sound awesome. Use your gifts, my friend. But you should check first to make sure your friends don’t have some severe shellfish allergy because if someone dies after you pinch them with your remote-controlled lobster claws you’re totally going down for murder. Or maybe voluntary manslaughter. Depends on how good your lawyer is probably. You should probably get your friends to sign some kind of waiver first.

· Dear Blogess: I love giving head. I love it alot. I love it more than the guys I have given head to in the past. I'm really good at it, too. My problem is that my boyfriend (along with every guy ever) has come to EXPECT really awesome head every time I want sex. I don't see this as a fair trade off. My question is how can I continue to enjoy giving head without setting guys up to expect it without sacrificing any sex? ~ Hetter

I'm going to let you in on a little secret…everyone who gives blow jobs is good at it. Because there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob. From what I’ve heard. And even if you suck at it (no pun intended) your boyfriend will still say you’re awesome because that’s how they get you to do it longer. It’s just a horrible trap. And that’s actually fine as long as you’re getting something out of it too. Like maybe claim that you can’t get properly aroused unless you watch someone clean out your garage while you eat onion rings. That’s totally worth a good blowjob.

· Dear awesome Bloggess AKA Jenny, I'm a 19 year old, 1st semester girl sophomore in college. Thing is, I don't know what I want to do with my life. And I'm not sure the whole college thing is working for me. O great, wise Jenny, what could I do with my life that wouldn't land me in jail, a mental hospital, addicted to any substances, or an STD-ridden prostitute? ((Preferably something legal)) If possible, I'd also like to dis-include babies, 'cuz they smell funny. ~ Mari

Mari, if I could talk to my 19 year old self I’d tell her to be more confident, that flossing is a waste of time, and to become a ninja. Being a ninja is probably the best job ever because you never hear any of them complaining about it. Also, if you get bored or want a vacation you can just disappear for a few weeks to the tropics and everyone just thinks you’re being a kick-ass ninja because you’re so fucking invisible. Then demand a raise from whoever-it-is-that-pays-you-to-be-a-ninja. You’ve totally earned it.

Water bras kill people. Possibly.

Jenny, bloggess — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 21:10:08 GMT

· Dear Bloggess, I have new girlfriend. We were talking the other day....just that casual 'Getting to know you' stuff, and she admitted that when she was five she punched a guy for being cheeky when she was 'boss of the class' (I kid you not) Am I wrong to be very scared? Thanks. ~ Brad

Brad, it’s like you don’t even understand what ‘Boss of the Class’ is. It’s a pretty big deal and you get to be the boss. Some rules are going to change and some innocent people are going to get hurt. That’s what happens during any regime change. The important thing to focus on is how she got to be Boss of the Class. Is this some sort of class ritual where everyone gets a turn and she gracefully accepted her role when it was offered to her, or did she knife the teacher in a violent coup and take over control of the school? Either way, she sounds awesome. Those are the kinds of leadership skills you can’t even get from school. Marry that girl. Then take over Cuba. Or maybe Hawaii. Someplace tropical.

· Dear Jenny; Is there anything you can do if you have really small boobs? I don't currently have money to get implants but even if I ever will I'm not sure if I should get them. Does getting silicons automatically make you slutty and inconsiderate for not donating that huge sum of money to the children of Africa or something? ~ A-Cup

One of my friends had a water bra and she loved it except she said it got kind of cold in the winter. And one time she popped one side of the bra at work and half the water squirted out. Which was kind of hysterical. For everyone in our office. Not so much for her. She tried to say that she'd just spilled water on that side of her shirt and we were all “Was it hot water? 'Cause it made one of your boobies shrink.” We all laughed and laughed. Later she killed herself. It was like a year later and it probably had more to do with the fact that she was about to go to prison again for forgery and less because of the water bra incident but I have to think that the whole water bra thing couldn’t have helped. The point here is that you should love and accept yourself for who you are, because water bras kill people.

· Dear Bloggess, Through your endearing stories, I think I've fallen in love with your husband, Victor. So my question is threefold: What exactly does he do for a living? Do you think he would move halfway across Texas? Would you demand some kind of alimony if he left you for me? (see part 1 and please feel free to expound upon whether or not we could afford said alimony) ~ me

Sadly, Victor cannot move because of the terms of his parole. And he’s currently unemployed because both of his legs fell off. From contagious leprosy. And his penis. That’s gone too. Also, most of his face. Poor, mangled, highly-contagious, unable-to-control-his-bowels Victor. He’s basically a torso with an ear. Tragic really. Come get him. Bring a carseat and a bunch of diapers.

· So, is it weird that I had a dream that I was trying to psychoanalyze a re-occurring dream I keep having? If I then have that same dream again, would that rip a hole in the time/space continuum? ~ Meso Ahsum

Probably.

How to stop your cat from being an asshole.

Jenny, bloggess — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:33:20 GMT

· Dear Bloggess, I recently shaved my head. I like it, but how should I deal with the inevitable haters comparing me to Britney Spears? Am I allowed to punch them until they have to carry their teeth around in a sack? Or is that too classy? Yours, Miz Mae

No need to resort to violence. Just look at them innocently and say, “Oh. Britney Spears has cancer too? How sad.” Then walk away really quickly before they can ask follow-up questions. Then they’ll just think you have cancer and will feel bad for judging you. And then later when they ask how your cancer is going just say “Oh I don’t have cancer. I just have the ability to change my hairstyle without being badgered by assholes. Oh wait, no. Apparently I don’t have that either. Oh well. At least I don’t have cancer.”

· How do I stop my cat from being an asshole? I constantly ask him, "What the fuck Brodie? Why are you such a fucking asshole?"--- but I get no response. An example of his behavior: The other day, he was on my bed looking at me with crazy eyes. His tail was swishing in a weird manner and his eyes were really crazy. You probably don't understand just how crazy they were. So I pushed him off the bed and closed my eyes to go to sleep. Then he attacked my head! Even though he's declawed, I actually had a cut and bruise on my head. So again, how can I stop him from being a jerk? ~ Nikki

Prozac. No shit. Your cat sounds depressed and they totally give animals prozac now to treat that. And what’s really awesome is that it’s almost exactly like people prozac so if you run out of yours you can take the cat’s prozac. I had a friend who did that once because she had crappy insurance and couldn’t afford antidepressants but animal prozac is way cheaper so she bought that. It was like her cat had better health coverage than she did. So she got the cat on prozac and then took all of its prozac. Then the cat died. She said it got hit by a car but I suspect it was suicide. This is why you should adopt another cat that doesn’t have depression but fake it so you can get meds for it and then give its prozac to the depressed cat that you’re stealing meds from. It's totally win-win. Everyone gets cheap, illegally-obtained drugs and more homeless cats are off the street. Who’s against that? Republicans, probably.

· Madam Bloggess, I have this coworker - let's call her Jane - who thinks that it's appropriate to comment on my apparel. She's constantly telling me how my shoes don't match my shirt, or how "those colors clash", or how "it's not appropriate to wear anything that shows body hair of that length." I'm an engineer, and as such, I'm not built to know these thing - or more importantly - care. How do I tell her to keep her rude, unhelpful comments to herself? Many Thanks, Kate

Okay, I totally had your back until the “it’s not appropriate to wear anything that shows body hair of that length” part and then I got distracted. Are we talking about pubic hair, Kate? Because if you’re wearing something that shows off your lady-garden you either need a longer skirt or some serious lawn work. No one likes a giant 70’s bush, Kate. Nobody.

Your baby is an alcoholic

Jenny, bloggess — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 20:09:49 GMT

· Hi Bloggess. I have a headache. ~ Uncle Leonard

It’s probably because there’s too much blood in your head. I saw this documentary on trepanation, where they put a hole in your skull to let all the extra blood out of your head and it’s supposedly awesome, although the only people actually saying that it’s "awesome" are the people who just got a hole drilled into their head so I’m not sure how reliable they are. Maybe you should just take some Advil.

· Hi Bloggess, How do you handle it when people write malicious comments on your blog? Are you sensitive to them and delete them, or do you leave them there, ignored? Do you write back to them? Blondie

The great thing about your personal blog is that you get to make the rules. You can delete mean comments, ignore them, make fun of them…it’s totally up to you. I wrote a whole post on my other blog about this last year. Is it cheating if I just link there? Too bad. Keep in mind that if you’re getting lots of mean comments it might be you that's the problem. Are you writing about eating children for dinner? Because that shit’s inappropriate. If you keep getting one irrationally rude person over and over who is only a distraction you can always go in and edit their comment from “I WILL STAB YOUR DAMN FACE IN” to “You are the best blogger in the world and I want to be exactly like you” and then when she sees it and writes “I NEVER SAID THAT! YOU ARE A LOSER” go edit that to say “I just had to come back and say how much you mean to me. I love you. Please adopt me”. Keep doing that until her head explodes.

· Dear Bloggess, I used to drink only 2-3 times a year and I'd have 1-2 drinks. Then one weekend, my husband and I went to New Orleans for the first time. I drank four Hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's and then we went back to the hotel and had fun. Now I'm pregnant. And I REALLY want another Hurricane or a Margarita or even a glass of wine. Is this a pregnancy craving? Is it because I conceived while drunk? Does that mean this baby is going to be an alcoholic? Why is this baby making me crave alcohol? It's almost like it *wants* to have a birth defect. ~ Rachel Y

The short answer? Your baby is probably an alcoholic. When crack addicts have babies their baby is born addicted to crack so it makes sense that your fetus is an alcoholic. I mean, I’m no doctor but it sounds like your fetus has a severe drinking problem. Then again, my doctor told me that an occasional glass of wine while pregnant was fine. Of course, I never drank when I was pregnant because I’m a better mother than you. Except I did once ride a roller coaster when I was pregnant so I guess we’re probably even. Except that your baby is an alcoholic and mine isn't. So yeah, not really even at all now that I think about it. Your baby needs an intervention.